I have my issues with FOX. They have a history of sabotaging some truly great shows by moving them to the "Friday night death-slot" (Fringe), or just outright cancelling them far before their time (Firefly, Arrested Development). So it was nice to see them do something right for a change, namely, air Swan Song, a love letter from Hugh Laurie to the show that introduced him at large to North American audiences & gave him the incredible role of Dr. Gregory House. Such memoirs are often relegated to the last disc in a Blu-Ray boxed set, where only special-feature-junkies (guilty!) will view it. To air it directly before the finale was lovely, & a touching tribute to everyone who has made this show work for the past 8 years from the other side of the camera.
[Spoilers Below]
The actual finale, Everybody Dies, felt a bit forced - it never really felt like the end of the series until the last 4 minutes. I'm sure there will be haters, dismissing the ending as a cop-out, but you can't deny it was very "House". After all, it's always lupus or sarcoidosis until a revelation in the last 4 minutes.
It was extremely satisfying following the #House hashtag on twitter during the last 10 minutes of the West Coast airing. "WTF DID YOU REALLY KILL OFF THE MAIN CHARACTER?" came up often, & was supremely hilarious because a) it's the finale, so that wouldn't be surprising at all, & b) it would be quickly followed by a "nvm. WTF HE'S ALIVE NOW?" You all just got Housed.
House was a wonderful show to invest in. Sure, cases were always solved in 44 minutes (& really, could that guy still have his license?) but it was never just a medical procedural. House was a character so complex that even after 8 years, I never knew what to expect. How far would this guy go? Could he ever change?
A few times each season it would have abstract, surreal episodes that just took your breath away. Three Stories will always be my favourite House episode, with House's Head a close second. Brilliant writing coupled with the always excellent Hugh Laurie made this program appointment television (long after you needed an actual appointment, thanks to DVRs).
"Haven't you ever seen Dead Poet's Society? Carpe Diem, & all that."
Aside from the gold standard set by Boston Legal's Denny Crane &
Alan Shore, has there been a better depiction of male friendship on television? After
all the medical mysteries House will ever tackle are solved, the show
ends with House & Wilson riding off into the sunset to spend their
last months together. There's an implication that when Wilson's cancer
gets really bad, House will let him end it...or perhaps, end it for him.
Where were you?
The finale was lacking one key cast member: Lisa Edelstein (Cuddy). I mean, I get that Cuddy wouldn't bother attending House's funeral after he had driven his car into her house, endangering her & her child. I guess. But with a roster of hallucinations including Stacey (Sela Ward), Cameron (Jennifer Morrison), Amber (Anne Dudek), & freaking Kutner (Kal Penn), you would think he would have hallucinated Cuddy as well, arguably the most important person in his past. Whatever the reasons for Edelstein not returning, it left a hole in an otherwise fitting finale.
One last tidbit: to bring the series full circle, "Cancer's boring" was the last line
of the show. It was also spoken by House in the pilot episode, Everybody Lies, when he didn't want to take on a cancer patient.
The Final Five returns to the Keanu camp after voting out Tarzan. Kim wants to reflect on how far the woman have come & girls rule & boys drool. Um, I don't think it's ok that the girls suddenly go feminist after they spent the first week or so whining to the boys about needing fire, or a proper shelter, or how cold & wet they were the moment a massive-ass storm came rolling in. Future female Survivor contestants: if you want to be a shining light of feminism, learn how to make fire before you begin the game. Learn how to build a shelter. Keep an eye on your supplies & don't let bankers steal them. Go out there already knowing the basics so you don't have to go running to the boys, making women look weak. So, good for you, Final 5, for making it this far, but don't claim it for womanhood. It wasn't girl power that caused the original Menudo to self-implode, give up Tribal Immunity & vote Bill out, causing a downward spiral for the men that they couldn't recover from. That was luck, & the girls took advantage of it. Suffragettes, you are not.
Kim suggests to Sabrina they could vote Chelsea out, because she'd likely get lots of jury votes. Sabrina is shocked; betraying Chelsea has never crossed her mind before. And this is why Sabrina shouldn't win Survivor - by this point, every option available should be weighed. Sabrina later admits that she can't separate the game from reality, & if you can't do that, you can't play this game. Alicia is also on Team Vote Chelsea Out, & it is crazy that everyone is forgetting the better target: Kim.
The Immunity Challenge is basically everything they could think of to throw in one challenge. They have to untie ropes, unlock a gate, walk a balance beam maze, climb up a steep ramp, bounce around on a rope net, untie 5 bags containing puzzle pieces, climb back down, assemble the pieces correctly to get clues, use those clues to find 3 numbers, & use those numbers in a combination in the correct order to release a flag. Can you repeat that one more time, Probst? I'm just going to skip ahead to a flag being raised, because the rope net makes me think of poor Kourtney & her broken arm on that poorly-designed first challenge. Sigh.
Kim wins Immunity for the 3rd time, & everyone is acting as if this gives Kim the power to take whomever she wants to the Final 4. All it really means is that you can't vote for Kim. If she wants Alicia gone, but Chelsea, Christina & Alicia want to take out Sabrina, they totally can. But they are all blindly following Kim. Good for Kim, but depressing & boring for us to watch. Kim is not as entertaining as Boston Rob.
At Tribal, Probst asks Kim why this decision would be hard for her - isn't it easy to take people you could beat to the end? And while you're looking through me with your baby blues, would you like to host the show, Kim? I don't want to be in your way. If this is something you want, I'll just hand it to you. Kim blinks & breaks her hold on Probst & says it's hard because she's attached to all the women left. "I think it's just my heart...like, it does get in the way...Is that a song?" Somewhere in Tennessee, curled up in Keith Tollefson's giraffe neck, is Whitney Duncan, now furiously writing a country song.
"What rhymes with vilified?"
Everyone follows Kim's orders, & Alicia is voted out. I hope there's a supportive bra waiting for you at Ponderosa. Week after week, your breasts tried to escape from my television screen. I had no idea there were so many unflattering bikini tops for large busts. Hopefully you were just as horrified as the rest of us.
Burn it.
Burn it.
Burn it.
You can keep this one.
This Tribal Council was the last time an Immunity Idol could have been played, so I'm wondering why Kim didn't give hers to Chelsea, even if only to play the "I protected my ally" card at the Final Jury?
The next day, the Final 4 do the Fallen Comrades walk. It wasn't aired last season, even though they did it, but isn't it something for the Final 3 to do? Not sure why it was done at this stage. Anyway, usually it's boring & full of "oh, he played with such heart" & slow-mo montages as if these people died, & didn't just, you know, stop playing a game.
First up on the walk is Kourtney, & just like that the best 90 seconds of the 3 hour finale is over. I hear her musical voice admit she'll probably be the brunt of "many a joke for many moons" & I guarantee to physically harm anyone who makes a joke at Kourtney's expense. What happened to her was not cool. Kourtney Moon, I pledge myself in your service, before the old gods & the new. I will be your Brienne of Tarth, my fair Lady Catelyn, as long as we can do shots after I slay some motherf@$%ers.
Then there are a bunch of other people who were voted out.
The final Immunity Challenge is pretty cool - using a long pole, they must move 10 small wooden bowls through a channel-maze-thing to stack all 10 on top of the structure. It all sits on a spring, so it will wobble if you hit the sides, sending all your bowls crashing down. Here's some inside scoop on how this challenge was designed:
Probst: "I would like to have a reason to say 'All the girls are on their poles now', ok?"
Design Team: "We will make it so."
Christina puts forth a great effort, but surprise, surprise: Kim takes the last Immunity & is in the Final 3.
Back at Keanu, Kim says to Christina "Pop quiz: we all know you're going home next unless you change my mind. What do you do? What do you do?" Christina says it's been nice playing & she's just going to enjoy her last day, & you're forgiven & yay for spot #4.
After Christina holds her own head under the water, hoping to make it even easier for Kim to get rid of her, Kim is thinking maybe Christina would be an awesome person to take to the Final 3 after all. Is Christina a genius? Was she reverse-psychology-ing her the whole time? Sadly, no...but that would have been awesome.
At Tribal, Alicia & Kat come out wearing CRAZY amounts of eye-makeup. The Ponderosa videos reveal that Alicia has done the makeup for both her & Kat, & it's awful. It's a more ridiculous version of my stage makeup from a production that I was in, playing a goth.
After a tedious Tribal Council, the Final 3 will be Kim, Chelsea & Sabrina. Christina is voted out & seems totally fine with it. I think she genuinely just wants people to like her, & think nice thoughts about her, & she wants to avoid confrontation. I get that. I'm the same way (unless you mess with Kourtney, & then I will cut you). But I have to think that I would be different playing a game for $1,000,000. I mean, I'm hardcore when it comes to our Rock Band parties, & there's no cash prize.* You want to sing Carry on My Wayward Son? Bitch, no. That is my song. There'll be peace when you are done. Get off my damn mic. Don't you cry no more.
The next day, Sabrina is getting emotional about making it to the Final 3 & you would not believe the triumphant music in the background. You would think she's about to storm a battlefield or something. If anyone gets to be Brienne, it is me.
On to the Final Tribal Council, & opening statements to the Jury. Chelsea asks Probst if she can stand, because she feels "it helps out a little bit". Probst says sure, & asks if she'd like to strip down & oil up, because that would probably help a lot.
Vote for me.
Chelsea's plea helped Kim more than herself: she worked with Kim, but at the merge she knew she had to leave her emotions out of it or she wouldn't get far. So she couldn't do what Kim did without sacrificing the social game, while Kim made emotional connections with everyone.
Kim spoke about her love of the game, how she saw it as a game, the end justifies the means... No mention of having an idol & never using it, & she didn't even use the "outwit, outplay, outlast" motto, which I thought strange. She would have been one of the only people who could say they actually did all three (even if it was boring to watch because no one else around her would make any moves).
Sabrina says her strategy was to have balance - she knew she could be overbearing, so she underplayed the challenges. She says she can't separate the game from real life. Tells the jury she was laid off. Pretty blah.
Jonas is up first, & is very serious. "When I address you by a name, I want you to answer 'Yes, Master Jonas'" & then he dissolves into laughter. He tells Chelsea she's cute & she is all "what? really?"
A different Taylor Swift shocked face than the one I've been using all season? You've been Swifted.
Jonas blushes & says all the guys agree Chelsea is the hottest girl out there, & Kat, Christina, Kim, Sabrina, & Alicia all line up to get slapped in the face by a tuna-wielding Jonas.
Christina asks Chelsea "Why do you hate people?" & it's hilarious. Chelsea says she had to take her heart out of the game, & she's really not a cold-hearted bitch in real life.
Jay says something, but mostly continues to be pretty.
Michael asks for a definition of "blindside" because everyone keeps telling him he was blindsided, but he doesn't play college football or know Sandra Bullock, so what gives? Now that he understands, he asks Kim if she thinks she's perfected the art of a blindside. Um, there is no art, you just have to be willing to make a big move. The only other person willing to make a big move was Troyzan, & nobody would play this game with him.
Tarzan spends his time talking about his wife & thanks the girls for letting him get to the point in the game where his wife could set foot on the island. Talks about how he will always remember her whispered breath & footprints in the sand until God brings them together again on an atomic level, & dude, we already covered that you're a romantic bastard. Unbelievably, Chelsea hasn't had enough of this & says that he has opened up her eyes to the possibilities of love & never knew a love like that could really exist. Whitney Duncan will be up all night writing country songs.
Leif (who I totally captured in DrawSomething, as you can see) is bitter & wants to know why he was voted out. Really? You were 1 of 2 guys left, & it was clear the women were voting the men out after Jay left. Waste of a question.
Alicia stands up & man, she is delusional, & has an extremely poor grasp of the English language for a teacher. "Kim. You & I played this game very similar. I was a kingpin. I had my pawns: Christina & Tarzan. You have your pawns: Sabrina & Chelsea. Homegirl, you know if I was sitting next to you, you'd be shitting bricks right now. Because without you getting me out, I would have had more chances of winning that money than any of youse. And actually, I'm super gladder, because I didn't know Ms. Puerto Rico over here could actually be a potential threat, like, who thought that, you know?"
I'm also super gladder Alicia was voted out, aren't you?
Troyzan, sporting PJ pants, asks Kim one question that will determine if she gets his vote or not. When did she decide to vote him out? Kim says "When we voted Jonas out", but that was not what Troyzan wanted to hear, I guess, so no vote for Kim. Maybe if she had said she knew he was a threat the moment she saw him? I do find this stunt of Troyzan's surprising, because I would have thought a real Survivor fan would put aside any bitterness & vote based on how the game was played.
Kat gets up & says she was hurt & destroyed by Kim voting her out, but she's over it now & would like to share something. "When I was 12, I had 2 open heart surgeries, & in order for me to have kids, I have to have another one in 12 years, which is, like, now, at 22." She's really trying, so no one tell her that her math is wrong. Full House music swells & she teaches the jury a lesson in forgiveness & no day but today & pleads with them to not vote in anger.
Everyone votes, Probst grabs the urn & walks through the forest, & I'm hoping for another great journey-with-the-urn montage, because I cannot get enough of this video from the Vanuatu finale.
I mean, come on, that is awesome. Probst takes the urn & hacks his way through the jungle with a
machete all night long. When dawn breaks, he finds a waiting plane that flies over an
Indiana Jones map to the US, & then he skydives out of the plane, landing
next to a motorcycle which he rides to LA. Come on. Bring that back. Instead, he just walks into the studio.
Chelsea's eyebrows are brought to you by Benjamin Moore.
Now we're in NY for the live show, & hey, I see Blossom in the crowd for a split second. What an appropriate amount of time to showcase someone who has nothing to do with Survivor other than her current show being on the same network! Kind of like when Fringe's Walter Bishop shows up in the American Idol audience & you're like, "Hey, I just spotted John Noble behind Seacrest, smiling & being quiet! Cool beans. I bet Phillip Phillips is his favourite. I'll just have to keep wondering, because spending time on that conversation during a live show would be ridiculous.
Probst spends 3 minutes soaking up the applause before reading the votes. Sabrina gets 2 of the votes (from Troyzan & Leif), & Kim gets the rest.
The least surprising winner in the history of Survivor.
Now, my thoughts on Reunion Shows are that they are always disappointing. Last season, Probst took a question from a little girl asking Ozzy, "How do you
climb trees & swim so well?", yet he didn't have time to say one word to Mikayla, who was a lingerie football player being stalked by another contestant. Seriously. If you only have an hour,
don't waste it on random audience/family members. Talk to the people
who actually agreed to be on your show. I don't want to hear about Russell
Hantz if he's not in the season. I don't care about Colton's Mom (great job on raising a not-horrible person, btw). I never wanted to know that Tarzan's wife only calls him by his nickname during sexytime. And I really, truly don't care about how fabulous Blossom thinks Colton is. I have low expectations for this hour.
Kim has just won, everyone is hugging, the rest of the Survivors come out & there's Kourtney! I can't wait for Probst to give everyone an update on how she's been doing. Probst says "Happy Mother's Day", & I think Awesome! He's going to talk to her first, because she's a Mom who is away from her son on Mother's Day to be here, on your reunion show. Nope.
What we get is a "Worst of Colton" reel, & afterwards, Probst repeats some of the comments we literally just heard 10 seconds ago. Already too much screen time for Colton. He's awful & says he'll own up to it, but really he doesn't say much of anything. Bill, or as my husband yelled when he first came on stage, "Prince!", tries to handle the Colton situation maturely, once again...
...but he's interrupted by Colton. Bill raises his hand a little, to respond, & Probst shuts him down.
Oh, this is what it feels like when the doves cry. I get it now.
Probst goes into the audience to talk to Colton's Mom, & she apologizes for her son & the audience awwws. Save it for your talk show, Probst. Jeff attempts to help her excuse her son's behaviour by saying that since Colton was accepted for being gay, that tells him the Cumbie family is accepting of a lot of things. Like racism!
Instead of going back to the stage where the contestants are, Probst moves back a few rows to Blossom. Excuse me? No worries, Probst assures us that Mayim Bialik isn't there to promote her show, Big Bang Theory, on CBS Thursdays at 8, she's there because she's a fan! Who wrote to him last year! And now is taking up time saying how fabulous she thinks Colton is & that he should have had more time & that she would love to see him on Survivor again.
Probst then pulls a random guy to his feet who says on behalf of the audience, we all hated the character Colton was playing, not the actual Colton. Um, speak for yourself, clueless random guy. Why couldn't you have asked what the deal is with the hot badass chick stuck in the f@#&ing SHADOWS on stage?!?
Kim wins the Player of the Season & the $100,000 that goes along with that. I have to say it's interesting that she won, even though she doesn't have a twitter account, & therefore hadn't been campaigning for votes like, say, Troyzan & Chelsea had been. She doesn't have the kind of online relationship with the viewers that some of the Survivors have, yet she still won.
We get a preview of next season, which will be in The Philippines, & will feature 3 previously medically evacuated Survivors who will join 3 tribes of new players. So NOW we'll talk to Kourtney, right? Because she was medically evacuated in the first episode? Nah. Nobody needs to know about the broken arm that cost Kourtney her job as a motorcycle mechanic. Colton's bacterial infection masquerading as appendicitis is much more intense. What's that? Colton was fine after a few rounds of anti-biotics? Oh. Nevermind.
Probst then mentions the Survivor Auction, where you can bid on items from the season, with all proceeds going to Survivor: Stand Up To Cancer. Hey, you know who outwit cancer? The girl in the shadows on your stage. Maybe now would be a good time to hear about the tumor she had removed after she left the game? The tumor that two Survivor medical evaluations missed? And, I don't know, maybe WISH HER WELL LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING???
Not. Cool. Kourtney, let's get those shots soon, k? Slaying makes me thirsty.
And so Survivor: One World is over. I hope I've added some
entertainment to a season which has been pretty blah. I'll be back next
season - I'm really hoping Jonathan Penner & Michael Skupic will be 2 of the past Survivors returning. Penner is one of my favourite Survivors, & his last evacuation broke my heart.
Anyone you'd like to see back?
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, subscribe, & follow me on twitter: @MomOfKai
As for the Ponderosa videos, Americans can view them at cbs.com, & here they are for the rest of us (there's an almost cat-fight between Alicia & Kat in Alicia's first video. Where was this drama in the show?):
Tarzan:
Alicia:
Christina:
*not that we have Rock Band Parties...that would be lame.....
The Survivor finale begins with Anderson Cooper scuba diving off the coast of Redemption Island. Followed by Meryl Streep discussing the craft of deception she plans on using at the jury. Oh wait - there's a delay. Thanks, NFL.
Survivor begins 33 minutes late, & after a recap of the entire season thus far, the opening is set to quotes from the remaining players. With so many voices speaking over each other, this must be what it feels like to be Brandon.
Fresh from being voted out by God, Brandon shows up at Redemption Island. Ozzy is bewildered that he gave up his immunity necklace. "He wasn't blindsided - he gave up a frickin immunity necklace!...He's playing the game like he's playing with God. He's not. He's playing with human beings that are greedy & want that money." Could someone not have told him that to his face 3 weeks earlier? You're not Christ, & you're not playing with God. But, but...dragonslayers are supposed to be noble!
Also, we want money.
Back at Te Tuna, (I so hope that is the last time I ever have to type that), Coach chides Albert with the same voice Will Forte used when chastising Gilly. He wants Albert to admit that he knew Brandon was going home & kept the necklace anyway. Coach says enough with the bullshit! No more pretending to be holier-than-thou, & no more lies! The dragonslayer will not be made a fool!
The final Redemption Island duel looks to be unfairly suited towards Ozzy's unique background of being reared by otters & monkeys. Just climb a pole & hold on for as long as you can. Add to that the fact that for 2 weeks, Ozzy has been on Redemption Island, fishing, eating, defeating all who come his way & feeling pretty good about his personal paradise, or - dare I say it - heaven, & this looks like 4 scary dudes are mounting their horses & heading Brandon's way for a quick smiting.
"I was raised by monkeys." "I was raised by Hantzes."
It is impressive how long Brandon lasts before ultimately falling. The only explanation I have is that Brandon has fully identified with the OompaLoompa nickname I have given his former tribe, Upolu, & was reenacting a Snozzywanger attack in Loompaland, this being the preferred method of escape in such a situation.
Ozzy would scurry to the top to regain his footing, & I kept thinking he would accidentally grab the top of the pole, which isn't allowed. However, it was not to be, & as much as I wanted Ozzy out of the running, I am happy he didn't go out at the very last challenge. He is truly an amazing competitor.
Brandon falls to the ground & thanks God immediately. He is smiling, says he had a heart-to-heart with God, & holds "no bitterness to nobody." What?!? How is he not bit...ah, he's speaking in double negative code. He is bitter. Clever, Brandon! He exits, of course, to the sound of a church bell.
Probst refers to Ozzy as an underdog, but I don't know if you can call Ozzy an underdog. That's like calling Cochran an underdog in a Woody-Allen-off. Ozzy is back in the game & since no one is congratulating him, he'll do it himself. "I spent the last 15 days just pushing myself every single day with the hopes that if I do make it back to this final stretch, then I'll come harder than I have ever been able to in this game of Survivor." Everyone else: "Yay."
Coach, the man who just will not stand for bullshit, tells Ozzy he wants to take him to the final 3, going so far as saying if he wins immunity, he'll give Ozzy the immunity idol he's been hanging on to.
OK. As Ozzy says, "Who in their right mind would want to take me to the end right now? After battling on Redemption & coming back after 8 people straight? Come on." Here, his arrogance is justified.
The Immunity Challenge is a balancing challenge, but this is no stacking-plates challenge. This looks incredibly difficult. They are to steady a board using a pulley with one hand, & with the other, they must build a house of cards out of tiles that is high enough to cross a line. Dude.
Sophie reveals she does this for fun, & has a book on how to build these. Probst says her tower looks indestructible, & she is confident until she runs out of tiles. She is waiting for someone to bring her more when Probst says "part of this challenge is tile management." Sophie has to take her tower apart & wants to dig out Probst's glorious dimples. Later in the challenge, half of Sophie's tower falls over & she issues a command.
Sophie: "Hey Albert, drop your stack & come pick up my pieces."
Albert: "Um, I'm in a pretty decent spot right now"...also, no fucking way.
Sophie: "Drop your damn stack & pick up my pieces. I'm gonna beat you."
Albert: "Um..."
Sophie: "ALBERT! JUST DROP YOUR STACK!"
Probst made sure that gold was captured on camera, then says there's no helping allowed. "You want Ozzy out of this game? Beat him."
Coach gives Ozzy a run, but amazingly, Ozzy wins immunity. Dude is unstoppable. His plan now is to pit everyone else against each other. He tells Albert about Coach's promise to take him to the final 3. Albert is suspicious, but can't bring himself to believe Coach would cheat on him like that.
Albert: "There's long curly hair all over your jacket, man."
Coach: "Oh, that's mine. My hair falls out when I'm constantly clawing through it."
Albert: "No, this hair is really, really well conditioned. Like, it looks more amazing than unwashed hair should look. This is not your hair....it looks like...Ozzy's?"
Coach: "Wha....I mean..."
Coach: "Dude..trust me....no."
Albert: "So, for my curiosity, did anything ever happen between you & Ozzy?"
Coach: "(mumbles), (drinks water), (walks away)"
I have a spider monkey that comes & grooms me.
At tribal council, the jury is all smiles to see the immunity necklace around Ozzy's neck. Ozzy outs Coach's promise to everyone, hoping to stir up trouble, but Sophie distracts from that, saying she wants Ozzy gone for personal reasons, as she feels disrespected by him. Ozzy thinks Sophie is a spoiled brat, Sophie thinks Ozzy is an arrogant ass. The difference is, Sophie can't take it & has a major breakdown. She has been so strong & so tough, & here she is bawling because some people don't like her. She feels as vilified as Whitney did, y'all. Probst probes for even more tears, & Sophie continues choking on her words because no one likes her & she even says she wishes she had never come here. Don't ever say that on this game! Probst tries to get her head back in the game, sadly not by performing the song from High School Musical. Sophie says she's fine & she'll just win final immunity, so no big deal.
Rick gets voted out, unsurprisingly. Coach stands up for that hug he seems to think everyone wants, & Rick shuts him down.
Back at Te Tuna (damn it), Sophie doesn't want Ozzy to have any plantains, but since he's off scaling trees & eating coconuts by himself, I think he's ok with that. Ozzy being there irritates Sophie, but I can't imagine there's much that doesn't irritate her. She seems highly irritable. All the time.
Coach confronts Ozzy about his spilling the beans at tribal. Ozzy explains he's been burned in the past by trusting people, & one person in particular really crushed him, as he cared about her. He would be speaking of the lovely Parvati, who was a friend & close ally in the Fans Vs Favourites season, until she blindsided him. Here's what Ozzy was like with much shorter hair, & a much fresher wound:
The final immunity challenge is upon us, the winner of which is automatically in the final 3. It is my favourite kind of challenge, the enormous & ridiculous obstacle course followed by a puzzle. Blindfolds are the only component missing to make this a perfect challenge. The Survivors line up, & everyone heads to the leg of the course closest to them, except for Albert. He heads to the one furthest away from him, which is also the one Sophie has gone to. WTF Albert? There are 2 empty legs now, over where you just were. This proves to be a huge mistake, as Albert is constantly getting stuck behind Sophie for the rest of the challenge. There are lots of falls & rolls, aside from Ozzy, who leaps & bounds like a chimpanzee over the net that everyone else is having so much trouble with.
Ozzy has a great lead on the puzzle, but Sophie comes from behind & wins the final immunity. Everyone celebrates except for Ozzy, who swears, because he knows he's done. Ozzy has a tearful moment as he reflects on his game, & doubts that Coach will keep him. This is interrupted by shouts of celebration from everyone else, & Ozzy gives the camera a "see what I have to deal with?" look.
So what exactly is everyone celebrating, specifically? In the most surprising moment since Jeff's green shirt, Coach relinquishes his title of Dragonslayer! But...you gave that title to yourself! Does that mean nothing to you? Coach declares Sophie the new slayer, as she has slayed Ozzy. Now Coach will be known as her Watcher.
A new Dragonslayer is born!
Ozzy plays up Coach's dramatic side, asking him to vote for Albert with him, leading to a tie, & a make-fire-off between the 2. Coach is struggling with which of his words to honour, or is he? Pretty sure he wants a million dollars. At tribal, Sophie votes Ozzy because "I am the new dragonslayer."
Ozzy is voted out, & I am actually really, really sad for him. I have never been a huge Ozzy fan, but you cannot deny that he was made for this game. My husband does not see him as the arrogant douche that I see, & he has whittled away a lot of the hate-on I have for him. It's just sad to see him go out so late in the game, when he's so close. Everyone claps for Ozzy & he has his torch snuffed out for the third time this season. Albert looks to the heavens & thanks God & I realize that all the praying left when Brandon left. Curious.
Coach is so ecstatic to be in the final 3, he doesn't even care about the accuracy of his quotes. "I'm not sure who said it - Mark Twain, Shakespeare - one of those guys - 'If I'm in a dream, let me never wake up.'" Coach, that's not so much a quote as just something people say. Often.
The final 3 have a delicious breakfast on day 39, & they all hug, & Brandon is feeling phantom pains somewhere. Before they head to final tribal council where they will face the jury, they torch the shelter at camp, but there is no Former Tribe-Mate Memorial Walk. I think the only people who were missing it were the former tribe-mates. Semhar had written a spoken word piece for the montage & everything! I happened to get an advanced copy, & here it is:
What Survivor Means To Me
by Semhar
(dedicated to my future lucky husband)
I wrap my legs around you, yet you still walk away, stretching my soul until it is as black as my tears.
I still feel your love, coursing through my veins
that you cut open when you abandoned me, leaving me to die
alone while my blood poured over a single fragrant lily in the garden that our dozen children tilled.
Geez, Semhar, lighten up. It's just a game.
At tribal council, the jury comes in & it appears they've brought Ozzy of Green Gables with them.
That's Ozzy with a Y.
Albert does a lot of pandering in his statement - you're all amazing, so glad I had an opportunity to play with you all, but he also touches on the reason he loves this game, which is the same reason I love this game: it's a social experiment. I had a conversation with someone who stopped watching Survivor years ago, because "it's always the same". It was hard to keep my mouth shut, but I knew it would be like talking strategy with Brandon, & I don't want Jeff Probst to show up in an orange shirt or something. What is so fascinating about Survivor is that it's never the same, because of the people. It could even be the same people, just split up a different way, & it would be a different Choose Your Own Adventure entirely. You could have your game strategy all ready before you go, & when you get there, you may realize it's just not going to work with the tribe you've been dealt. Look at the seasons where it was men vs women...all those flirtatious women were desperate to find a lesbian in their midst as their only selling point was boobies.
Sophie goes logical, which was her plan following her emotional breakdown a few days prior. Her argument was simple - I outwitted, outplayed, & outlasted. Coach was self-deprecating, which was new for Coach, & he did lots of pandering about relationships built in the game. The arguments depend on the jury as well - if you have a bitter jury, which this certainly was, there's virtually nothing you can say to persuade them to throw a vote your way. Especially if you've made it clear you wanted to play with honour & integrity...because it will get thrown back in your face.
Ozzy of Green Gables speaks first. He asks Coach about his word, & Coach fesses up to compromising his word & the way he wanted to play the game. Brandon looks bewildered - he may have just realized in that moment that it wasn't God who voted him out.
Jim is next, & asks Albert the jury classic - tell me why the other two should not be sitting there? Jim also warns not to throw any compliments in there, or his vote is lost. Jim wants to hear straight up, why Coach & Sophie suck, & Albert says, "I love this question - love the way you're approaching the game." Ozzy of Green Gables laughs maniacally & OMG, I think the raspberry cordial is really currant wine! Marilla, put a lock on your liquor cabinet!
Look! Sophie's smiling now!
Dawn wants to know why Sophie aligned with Coach & Albert, in particular. Even though Sophie's voice is so shaky it's making me nervous, she sounds like she had a plan. She says she had wished she was a man before starting this game, because men can always seem to get 2 young girls to follow them to the end, & she knew she couldn't do that. "I saw [Coach] as the equivalent of a young girl. He was someone who said to me 'loyalty is worth more than a million dollars. I want to come out of this game restoring who I am.' That's a guy who's not gonna write my name down." When it came to Albert, he was into strategy, & Sophie wanted someone to discuss strategy with. And with that answer, she sounded like she had a plan from the beginning, & didn't end up there by luck.
Rick is mad & just is mad.
Brandon asks Coach about his word, & Coach says what Brandon wants to hear, & that's that Brandon raised the bar re: Christianity & praying & God, & he thanks Brandon for that. Brandon: I forgive you. Come on, Brandon, you have to make it harder than that! Even God asks for a few Our Fathers before absolving any sins! Brandon asks Albert, "Did you know I was going home?" Albert stalls & goes into his Bella Swan impression once more.
How could...the thing is...they said...look, I tried...when you...
And just like that, because he didn't just say Yeah, I knew. But it's a million dollars!, he's out of the running.
Whitney is mad, calls Albert sleazy, & Sophie condescending. Sophie gets a little emotional again, vowing to work on herself when she gets home.
Edna chooses to speak to the jury, not the finalists & reminds them that everybody lies in this game, so they shouldn't vote based on that. "We signed up to be duped, & they duped us." Like I said after watching Edna's Ponderosa videos, I like her so much more outside of the game! I wish we had seen more of this side of her.
Keith asks about the hidden immunity idol, & Sophie pipes up, telling everyone how Coach actually found it early on with plans to use it for just the 3 of them, & then staged the praying & finding of it for everyone.
Brandon looks devastated, but Keith either doesn't understand what was just said, or...no, I think that's it. He just offers a blank "k, thanks guys".
Cochran is the last member of the jury to have his say. He is impressed with Coach's game, but comments on how Coach says honour so much, the word now means nothing. He would like Coach to discuss his strategy without using the word honour, & it's like a game of Taboo!
I am ready to buzz you out, Coach.
The stress of being forbidden to use his favourite word leads Coach to implode. He says he got caught up in the game, & compares his game to a house of cards that "looks nice for so long...but now everybody hates me, the cards are gone, & the game I tried so hard to play was in shambles."
Everyone votes, & Jeff takes the urn with the votes & walks from the South Pacific to LA, which is not as impressive as these trips used to be:
I mean, that is awesome. Probst takes the urn & hacks his way through the jungle with a machete ALL NIGHT LONG until he finds a waiting plane that flies over an Indiana Jones map to the US, then he SKYDIVES out of the plane, lands next to a motorcycle which he rides to LA, & then unfortunately, just walks into the studio. Not even a skateboard after all of that? Whatever, I am getting a signed buff from that man. That alone is awesome.
2011 Jeff Probst just walks into the studio & suddenly we are live & Coach is a Russian villain from an episode of 24.
And the winner is Sophie! Coach gets a few votes, but there is not even one for Albert (if only this had been a handsome-off!). I never disliked Sophie, but I am sad for Coach. As my husband said, Coach would have been happier losing to Ozzy than Sophie. At least Ozzy is OZZY. Sophie's fairly unlikeable although I know at least one person for whom she was the pick to win it all, & I'm sure that person is regretting not joining the Survivor pool this year because she would have won...
Sophie is celebrating with her family, & the rest of the Survivors come out, led by Papa Gummi Bear, bouncing here & there & everywhere. The entire reunion show needs to be longer (perhaps an extra hour online only?) or better managed. Probst didn't even talk to Mikayla!
I'm a lingerie football player who was stalked by a fellow Survivor. And you don't have time for me?
Ozzy spoke way too much, even if it was inspiring & positive. Or possibly dangerous, with a message for kids that they can do anything, just learn to fall down & pick yourself up. A valuable lesson, for sure, but I fear it will result in many injuries of children trying to hold their breath for 3 minutes underwater. There is no way there should be enough time for Ozzy to field a question from a kid in the audience like "How do you climb trees & swim so well?" Are you kidding me? Don't you read my recaps, kid? OZZY IS AN OTTER-MONKEY, that's how he does it. Let's move on, please.
Keith has cut his hair, completing his transformation into Joe Jonas & holy Adam's apple, look at that neck! His shaggy hair was hiding that? Oh, look in the far left corner - hair can hide an entire Semhar! I understand now.
Coach is discussing (what else) honour & integrity & makes a passing comment about the 7 layers of viking heaven & Jeff goes wild. He is gleeful.
Thankfully, there's time for Cochran, who looks great in something other than sweater vest - & scruff works for him. He is the most entertaining to listen to, by far. He tells Jeff that the reaction he gets from people on the street is positive, "but then I go on the internet like an obsessive freak & everybody hates me." Not everybody! There's me, & I found a tumblr all about Cochran today!
Jeff reminds everyone that Cochran wrote a prize-winning essay at Harvard on Survivor's jury system. Cochran says that "the biggest shock was that my knowledge of the theory & having watched every single episode didn't mean anything once you get out there, because it all depends on who you're put with." So has Survivor changed the previously socially anxious Cochran? "Now I've put myself through really the most socially uncomfortable, psychologically unpleasant experience you can imagine, & it's being broadcast to millions of people who can make fun of you & ridicule you? Like, it makes real world interactions seem like nothing."
Cochran tells Probst he's not dating anyone. Nobody? "No...just come at me." I adore Cochran. While I'd like for Survivor to go back to having a cast of all newbies, I would really love to see Cochran come back in another season with some of my other Survivor favourites, Courtney Yates & Jonathan Penner.
Brandon's bit is a little heartbreaking, as he's disappointed his whole family, & he really believes he played a good game, trying to be Christ-like. He has no support - no one in his family is there, except for Uncle Russell in the audience, trying hard to look bad-ass. No wonder he needs God so much. Brandon says, "I don't think very many people are proud of me", & just remembering how desperately he wanted his tribe-mates, especially Coach, to be proud of him is quite sad.
Jeff speaks to Russell in the audience, which was totally unnecessary, but he was definitely tearing up, & made clear that Uncle Russell & Russell from Survivor were 2 different people. To me, that was his way of saying the guy who has been hard on you is the persona, not the real me. Or he could have been saying "When you talk to me, don't forget the 'Uncle' out of respect, you son of a bitch." Who knows, & already I've spent more time on this than I wanted to.
Ozzy wins the $100,000 Player of The Season/Fan Favourite, with Cochran not even a close second. I gave you my votes, Cochran.
Probst asks Christine about her "very unlikely friendship" with Stacey. First of all, why are you so surprised they're friends, Jeff? "Would you ever have been friends otherwise?" "Um, yes, Jeff." Stacey says Blam! and also that they call each other every day & call each other Salt & Pepper & I feel like my dream of a Wake Up, Long Island! morning show hosted by them is within my grasp if a CBS affiliate would just take my calls!
In other news, Edna is pregnant, Jim is still a jerk & a bully, Whitney & Keith are still in love. For all my teasing about her, you never really know what goes on behind closed, secret marriage doors, so I'm happy they seem happy. I guess.
I'm glad Jeff handed over the cheque at the end of the Live Reunion. I am a huge Survivor fan, & not once have I ever bothered to watch the cheque presentation on The Early Show the next morning. So it's nice to actually see it.
I have really enjoyed recapping this season of Survivor - I've received loads of positive feedback, so thank you for that! Any thoughts on the finale, or on the season in general? Are there any players you would want to see come back?
