Survivor South Pacific: Ponderosa - Cochran

The Ponderosa episode I have been waiting for is online.  Cochran has joined his former tribe-mates  Jim, Keith, Dawn & Whitney at the Ponderosa camp, & the reception was just as chilly as you'd imagine.  I was as surprised as Cochran was with Dawn's reaction (& I already thought she was awful!), Keith & Whitney continue to be nauseating, & Jim has now taken ownership of that hideous green skirt.  Hey CBS, where's the footage explaining the skirt?

Poor Cochran has to deal with being ostracized again, even eating at the far end of the table away from the cool kids - he says he's happy about getting time to himself, but I feel sad...until he makes a friend with the cutest piglet since the Telus pig.

As always, if you're located in the US, you can watch at www.cbs.com.  For the rest of us, you can watch it here in 3 parts. 

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.12 Honour, Loyalty, Integrity

It will be hard for me to type through my tears, but I'll give it a shot.

Cochran arrives on Redemption Island & Ozzy Christ Superstar is kind & empathetic.  "Sorry buddy.  It happens to the best of us."  Underneath it, he is still his usual arrogant self.  "I've got a way you can not let them win.  All you gotta do is vote for me if I make it....if you had a choice between me & Coach..."  Cochran looks around as if he's examining the structural integrity of the RI shelter.  "It's kind of insulting that it's already a foregone conclusion in his mind that I'm going to lose at the duel."  Ozzy promises to vote for Cochran if he makes it to the end, but we all know that's an empty promise, since Ozzy thinks "he really doesn't stand a chance."  This is right after he told Cochran "Yeah, you have a chance."

It's morning on day 31, & Rick is drying/warming his socks over the fire.  Brandon calls Albert over because he'd "like to say a morning prayer before everybody starts to disperse."  Edna walks away, saying "I'm just gonna excuse myself since I'm not really part of this tribe."

 Poor Edna, left out of the Prayer Circle right when she actually needs it.  We haven't seen that much of her except for that one episode where she wouldn't shut up, but I really feel bad for her right now.  Brandon is a giant douche, masquerading as a saint to pardon all the hurt he's caused - first with Mikayla, now with Edna.  "He made it clear to me yesterday at tribal that I'm not part of this tribe."  She makes an excellent indictment against Coach: "He's the one that's preaching day in & day out that this is reality.  This is real life for these individuals & to treat me like a second class citizen...is that true life?"  She talks to Coach about feeling deceived.  Coach goes Dr. House & quietly says "Everybody gets deceived."

You can't let things like honour & integrity get in the way of deception.

Brandon starts yelling about tree mail from Sprint, but Edna will not be silenced until she's had her say.  "I feel like one guy - a 19 year old high school dropout, who's advertised that he's crazy, gets to dictate to me the direction of my own destiny here?"  Can I get a "bitch, please!"?

The Sprint phone that came with tree mail contains videos of family members, who no longer hide that they're actually on the island.  Everyone tears up & Survivor continues to milk these moments for all they're worth.  Brandon's Dad reminds him to "make the right decisions, not based in the game...make decisions based on your heart."  Yeah, he's going to have second thoughts about that.

Everyone arrives at Redemption Island Arena for what promos have built up to be the duel to end all duels - David vs Goliath.  The hobbits vs the Cave Troll.  Linguini vs the evil chef from Ratatouille. 

As Albert is to Aladdin, so is Cochran to Linguini.

The challenge involves using Coach's favourite all-purpose tool, the grappling hook, to pull 3 bags in.  Then, using a 2 handed pulley system, manipulate a ball around a maze to get to the centre, while avoiding holes throughout.  So, a puzzle challenge?  My prayer circles worked!  No one showed up for them (even though the time & place was well advertised in my last recap), so it ended up being just me & my cat (my husband backed out of the room slowly), but we worked it.

Oh hai God. Can I has pzzle 4 cochran plz? kthnx

Even though this was filmed months ago, I believe Yoda & I had something to do with there being a puzzle challenge, because prayer circles work!  And if God doesn't listen to kittens, who will he listen to?  Who?

Ozzy is doing well with the grappling hooks, & it takes Cochran a little time to figure it out.  There is actually a cartoon "boing" sound when he screws up a toss.  Probst is blatantly encouraging Cochran -  it's obvious that he likes him, but also, I'm sure that as a producer he was salivating over the great underdog story this would be if Ozzy was taken out of the game for really realz by Cochran.  Ozzy has his bags & is already on the ball maze, although going super slow.  Before long, Cochran has all 3 of his bags, & he does not opt for the slow & thoughtful approach to the maze.  He is sending his ball flying through the maze.

This maze has been brought to you by The Dharma Initiative

Ozzy's ball is almost at the centre, but drops through a hole, then it drops again soon after he's back on track.  It continues to be very intense, & a very close race.  There is accompanying music which sounds a lot like the Wildebeest stampede from The Lion King.  For a moment, it is Cochran who has won, but his ball pops out of the centre spot & falls down a hole while Ozzy's ball settles in for the win.  I am genuinely surprised, as I'd hoped all the promos & editing were leading up to an Ozzy defeat.  Some might think Ozzy is gracious after this, but to me, Ozzy continues to be arrogant, speaking to Cochran like a 3 year old that he's having second thoughts about beating in a game of Tic Tac Toe.  "You almost had me!"  He does everything but scruff up his hair & give him a lollipop.  Ugh.

Probst looks a little sad at the outcome.  "Cochran - you almost did it."  Cue emotional music.  "Even though I didn't win, I was going up against probably one of the most confident challenge dominators to ever play this game.  To come so close is dream fulfilment for me - wish fulfilment, because I love Survivor.  I mean, I hope it comes through: I love, I breathe Survivor, & to be here, to be facing you, to hear you say 'Come on in, guys!' before a challenge & think I'm one of the guys!  He's talking about me!  It's one surreal moment after another, & I'm talking to kind of prevent myself from getting teary-eyed & stuff, because this has been by far the most incredible moment of my life."

Probst asks where the tears are coming from & Cochran replies, "It's coming from a realization that I'm not the person I necessarily thought I was.  That I could be a better person who's more pleased with himself & the decisions that he makes, the things he pursues..."
Probst normally does not give a eulogy at this moment, but he does for Cochran.  "Because you risked - because you weren't the most likely guy to be on this show, & you found your way out here & you were ridiculed, & people picked on you, & you didn't back down - in fact, you made one of the biggest moves still in this game - you better be a new guy, because I think a part of you died out here & a new part was reborn."  Yes, it's cheesy, but I got a little choked up when Cochran threw his buff in the fire.  It's the first time I've found the really realz departure emotional.  Goodbye, Cochran.

With Cochran gone, attention returns to the remaining 6.  Probst calls out their family members one by one - Sophie's Dad, Edna's sister, Rick's wife (she gets a little squeeze on her ass), Albert's Mom, Coach's brother (he makes me realize how weird it would be to see Coach dressed in normal guy clothes - seriously, picture Coach in a golf shirt!), & Brandon's Dad, who gets the most dramatic treatment of all.  Epic, soaring flutes, like they've just found each other during a war in the Highlands of Scotland, & a close shot of a hand, clutching desperately at fabric, because are you really here, Dad?  Is it really you?

Ozzy gets the burden of choosing only 3 of the 6 to spend time with their loved ones, meaning 3 people will love him, & 3 will hate him.  He chooses Albert, who looks to the heavens in gratitude, even though Ozzy Christ Superstar is right in front of him, so that's odd.  He chooses Coach, who thanks Ozzy with a Namaste, & he also chooses Brandon.  I know this is all strategy, but I think I would have to choose the person whose spouse is there.  Yes, parents & siblings are awesome & would be great to spend time with, but you probably don't see them every day when you're back home.  With a spouse, you would be reunited with someone you share a life with, every single day.  You'd feel the loss of that presence in your life long before you think about how much you miss your brother.  (Sorry, brother.)  All I'm saying is that if someone let a 19 year old crazy guy spend time with his Dad at the expense of me & my husband, I would be pissed.

Rick, Sophie & Edna head back to camp, without their loved ones, no doubt hoping there's tree mail containing a do-it-yourself Ozzy voodoo doll kit.

Everyone else spends their time on Redemption Island, where Ozzy is the only one without a family member, & also, he has to fish for 6 extra people, & also, what is with that sharp stabbing pain in his stomach?  There's obvious product placement for the Sprint phone, but it makes sense so it's not terribly intrusive.

Coach has a proposition for Ozzy: a final 3 with the 2 of them & someone else, but whatever, he hasn't thought that far ahead.  He gives Ozzy his word AS A CHRISTIAN MAN.  Woah.  "When I say 'As a Christian man', I promise you that this is what I'm going to do.  That's an irrevocable promise.  I want to take Ozzy to the end.  2 noble warriors fighting it out to see who the sole Survivor is."  Um, you don't want to do that, Coach.  Ozzy has 4 guaranteed votes on the jury, & you would have maybe 3, provided the rest of OompaLoompa that ends up on the jury would still vote for you, & we already know there's no guarantee of votes from Cochran.  Not a good plan.

Brandon is talking strategy with his Dad, but all I hear is "I'm Jeff Probst, & I would love to wear this red shirt."

"Bro, are you kidding me?"  "You heard me, Bro."

Brandon is so deluded that he's doing good things & making the right decisions - it's really hard to watch.  "It's gonna be such an example to people, it's gonna change people's lives.  Spit on the million dollars, spit on the sole survivor."  Dad is surprised.  "What are you here for then?"  "I'm here to set an example for Christ, bro."  Jesus is all like "Stop bringing me into this, bro!"  Brandon states, "I'm gonna play this game from here on out with honour, with integrity, & like Christ would play it."

But nobody offered me a million dollars to not get crucified, bro!

Brandon is waiting for approval from his bro...er...Dad...& the expectant look in his eyes is actually a little heartbreaking.  He truly thinks he's behaving in a saint-like manor, & he needs this validation, for his Dad to be proud of him.  But Dad is confused, & maybe thinks Brandon is joking?  OK, play your game with honour, but if there's a move that would put you in the final 3, you'd make that move, right?  No?  Are you kidding me?  You're kidding me.  That's hilarious, bro.  You're not kidding me?  "You came here to win the million dollars."  Brandon tells his Dad "that's changed."  At this point, Brandon's Dad must realize his advice about making decisions based on his heart & not on the game wasn't needed.

Brandon's Dad tries another strategy that just might get through to Brandon: preaching.  "God also wants us to be wise.  Be wise, make a good decision.  Put your family in a good position, or you can just go preach on a street corner."  Brandon is all smiles & no doubt.  "Just trust that God is...dude, our lives have been planned out since we were born, bro."  Well, that explains a lot.

Brandon's Dad tries reason: "You've got to put yourself in the final 3, & at that point, that's when it's up to God."  And by God, I'm sure he means the jury.  This guy has watched Survivor before, right?

Brandon's Dad tries convincing Coach to take Brandon into the final 3.  Coach is not having any of it.  "They're all cut of the same cloth.  Brandon's Dad comes out here & basically tries to bully me into making sure his son goes all the way to the end & wins a million dollars."

The Immunity Challenge has nothing to do with balance for once.  There are panels set up, & you can only move to an adjacent panel, & can only step on a panel one time.  When you're out of moves, you're out, & last person standing wins immunity.  It looks like they're playing pineapple-shaped Q*Bert.

At one point, Coach makes a dragon slayer movement & Probst comments on it.  Coach is surprised, as it seems he was unaware of his own movement.  Probst confirms with a demonstration.  "It looked a little....dragon slayer."  Coach is delighted that the transformation is actually happening.  Prayer circles work!

Brandon is out of the challenge, & is explaining to Albert what his strategy was when Probst asks about it.  "I just wanted to cover enough surface area to where a particular person didn't win immunity.  Edna says "You can just use my name from now on."  She's pissed, & upset that she "was unlucky enough to not be on the beach that first day."  Coach wins individual immunity.

Back at camp, Brandon gets back on the road with his Apology Tour & apologizes to Edna.  She should respect & understand his need to be honest, even if it's brutal sometimes, right?  Nope.  "Brandon did verbalize an apology but it's insincere."  Brandon's lame apology doesn't go unnoticed by the others, & Sophie says, "Brandon, I think, often thinks an apology absolves all sins, & maybe that's true in church, but on Survivor, people are not as forgiving as Jesus Christ is."  Or even Ozzy Christ, for that matter.

You can still come to my surfer zen paradise, man.  I forgive you.

Edna breaks it down to Coach, Albert & Soph-a-Loph: "We've been preaching that our tribe is about honour, integrity, & playing this like it's real life, & I feel as though the actions of Brandon in the last 32 days aren't really consistent with that...I cannot accept the fact that our tribe is saying honour, integrity, honour, integrity, & then you allow such behaviour to happen in our camp."

There's a double rainbow, & I'm pretty sure I know what it means - they're all dead, on an island, in purgatory.  We'll see if I'm right if Ozzy has to battle a smoke monster sometime soon.

Edna asks Coach to give it to her straight, & he does anything but.  He speaks in such a roundabout manner that I can't even recap it without shifting the space-time continuum.  (Hence the upcoming frozen donkey wheel challenge.  You'll see.)  Basically, Coach will not give Edna the immunity idol he's been holding on to, because if he plays it, no one will trust him anymore, & he'll be the next to go.  His plan is to not play it at all.  I am so impressed with Coach's game this season.  At this point you know Edna is going home - he can't go back on his initial 5 alliance one tribal council away from achieving what he promised on Day 1 of this game.  That's remarkable, & because of that, Edna has no hope.

At tribal, not much is said, aside from Coach revealing the tribe's mantra is "Honour, Loyalty & Integrity."  Cochran acts like he's hearing this for the first time, but to viewers at home, it's kind of all we've heard from Coach.

Brandon is eerily calm, begins the encore of the Apology Tour, apologizing to Edna again.  Edna is voted out, & Coach again goes for the hug, as if someone you just voted out wants to hug you....but she does.

Probst sums it up nicely, "From the beginning you've said it would be the 5 of you.  Now what?"  Silly Jeff, God has had everything planned for them since they were born.  Didn't you know?


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Survivor South Pacific: Ponderosa: Dawn & Whitney

The Ponderosa webisodes are up, detailing Dawn & Whitney's arrival at Camp Upgrade after their double elimination.  I'm sure you don't really care how much weight they've lost, or what food item they go for first - you want to see what happens when Whitney & Keith are together.  Well, they are together.  Obnoxiously so.

Whitney takes the time to explain how theirs is a love that could not be restrained, & that she has a boyfriend at home, so she had to be careful when there were cameras around.  She explains this to a camera.  There is straddling, kissing, hand holding, frolicking in the waters...I'm just surprised they weren't rolling around in the sand.

Also, Dawn is emotional, Jim is now wearing the hideous green skirt, & you can see Keith's awful man capris up close!



Again, if you are in the US, you can watch on cbs.com.
For everyone else, here it is, in 3 parts:

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.11 LEGO & The Family

Survivors, ready?

I've decided that this week's recap will feature LEGO minifigure versions of the remaining 7 contestants.  Coach had so much fun with the Greek god comparisons, I want in on the game, too!

After voting out the remaining Steve Vai members, The Family that is the former OompaLoompas + Cochran return to camp.  Cochran is concerned, as tribal council made it clear that he's the next to go, & he knows he has to try to shake things up if he wants to avoid the poisoned Kool-Aid.  So what does he do?  He tells another childhood anecdote about 5th grade prank calls where he would tell girls "I want to trade sperm with you."  At this point, Cochran is to embarrassing stories as Coach is to incorrect quotes.

Sophie admits she felt bad for Cochran at first, because it seemed like he was getting bullied, but now she can see why people were annoyed with him.  "I don't like him."  Cut to Sophie going medieval on a coconut with a machete.  No more stories, Cochran.

Cochran says out loud what we've all been noticing from home: "There has kind of always been this cult-like quality to the Upolu family."  Cochran is reminded of the Manson family.  Cut to a prayer circle!

Father, guide us. Where can we find Kool-Aid in the South Pacific?

"Brandon in particular seems almost obsessively devout, to the point where it seems like he's trying to oppress something a lot more scary.  I don't want to be Sharon Tate in this scenario."  Wow, this could be more fun than coming up with everyone's Greek God alter ego...if we're doing this, Edna is without a doubt Squeaky Fromme. 

Cochran sits everyone down & pleads his case.  He made a big sacrifice in order to put their tribe in a better position, & he just wants to be saved for 1 tribal council.  Just 1!

Oops - supposed to be the LEGO version, sorry!

It's my birthday in 3 days, you guys!

Sophie doesn't care, & tells the camera as much.  "I don't feel indebted to you! Screw you! He made an awful move - he should have stuck with his tribe."  Albert & Coach want to save Cochran & vote Edna out instead, but Sophie feels just as indebted to Edna as she does to Cochran.  I mean, she's been doing the laundry, after all, & what has Cochran done, other than ensure your entire tribe surviving the merge?

At Redemption Island Arena, the challenge involves balancing dishes on a wobbly pole.  It seems like there are a lot of balancing challenges this season, & hardly any puzzles, something Cochran could excel at.   Dawn is out first, & she starts crying because her adventure has....nope, can't have your moment yet, Dawn.  Just have a seat & try to forget that you are out of the game for really reallz, & act like you care about the rest of this challenge.  3 person duels suck.

Whitney's dishes fall, & now Dawn's tears can flow freely.  The lesson Dawn learned is that anything is possible.  She will leave here, & support her children - all 6 of them - whenever they have a pipe dream.  I'm sure that will turn out well.  Probst delivers his for really-reallz line, "Dawn, your adventure has sadly, for you, come to an end."  Dawn lifts her head high & declares tearfully, "But I got to take it."  She could have just stayed home & watched UP, if this is the lesson she needed.  The background music soars to The-Balrog-has-just-taken-Gandalf-down-with-him dramatic heights as Dawn exits.

Whitney's departure is less theatrical, but there's one golden moment.  "My family's gonna be proud, & my friends'll be proud, & so I'm gonna be proud."  That leaves only person not proud of Whitney: her secret, jilted husband.  "Whitney, this part of your life's adventure has come to an end."  Now go home & get on with the adventure of divorce!  Don't feel too bad for Whitney - she's off to Ponderosa where Keith's eyebrows are waiting to waggle at her.

Throughout this challenge, Ozzy was calm & collected.  "I have to rely on myself winning, but that is what I do best, & that's the way I want to win this game."  Back on Redemption Island, Ozzy is in his own personal paradise.  He's hanging out in the treetops & swimming around the reefs, amongst the ocean life.  "This is my home...there's no one better suited to be out here than me."  No arguments here.

Back at The Family Compound, Edna is doing laundry while Albert is looking handsome in the hammock.  Cochran helps Brandon fish, & ends up holding a fish with teeth, which makes Cochran proud.  "Whatever it takes to feed our tribe, I'm willing to put my life & limb in danger...I didn't physically catch it, but I am physically holding it, & I'll be the one that they hoist upon their shoulders."

Albert decides he's going to help with the laundry, & ends up dumping the water on the fire, putting it out.  Edna is infuriated.  "Albert does pretty much nothing but lie around & eat fish & wait for other people to wait on him."  But he does all that in his underwear, so...

LEGO just would not do this man justice.

Edna complains about Albert to Rick, who either agrees, or thinks its gossip time.  "There's a reason they call him Prince Albert."  Mom, do not google that!  Perhaps Albert's already pretty-revealing underwear is revealing even more to his tribe mates!  Also, I don't know who "they" are, but I think they meant Prince Ali.

You can't deny it - the resemblance is striking.

Cochran finds himself on the beach doing "Coach Chi", & Coach tells us that the reason he coaches, & even why he plays Survivor, is to find that one student who wants to learn.

You're why I do this, Hercules - not the million dollars.

 The Immunity Challenge also comes with a reward: a spa day.  The first 3 to land 3 beanbags on their targets move on to coconut slingshots.  Albert, Rick & Sophie move on, & Sophie doesn't hit a single target.  Rick is in the lead, but Albert comes from behind to win.  And what does he do?  He points to the heavens.   Not Albert, too!  He's been love-bombed by The Family, & has been sugar-bombed by the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid that God provided for them.  Prayer circles work!

Probst tells Albert he can share this reward with someone, & Coach is the lucky guy.  Then he asks if he could pick one more person - denied!  Then he declares he will give up his reward so that the birthday boy, Cochran, can have it.  Coach Chi works!  When Albert announces this, it is hilarious to watch the reactions of everyone else.  Brandon claps wholeheartedly, Rick & Edna reluctantly nod & clap, & then there's Soph-a-Loph.  She stares blankly at nothing, & if you could convey "what the fuck?" in polite clapping, she just did.  It is fantastic.

Probst asks Cochran if he's looking forward to the massage.  "Yeah.  I mean, I've given my Mom massages over the years, but I've never actually received one."  Cochran, stop with the stories!  Stick to your quick wit & adorable charm - no more anecdotes, because they are going above & beyond self-deprecating.  Now you're bullying yourself!

Back at The Family Compound, a shower, massage tables & lovely ladies are awaiting Coach & Cochran.  Coach is enjoying the shower, & Cochran watches to make sure he doesn't use all the water.

Cochran tells us, "I'm thrilled to see that some stupid little white lie about when my birthday was, which actually took place 6 months ago, is helping me at least somewhat in this game, even if it's just to get a free massage."  Not even his birthday.  I love it.  Cochran enjoys the massage, saying, "Having a beautiful woman stroke the insides of my legs is a new experience for me."  This is followed by the least flattering angles for anyone - squished faces poking through the massage table.  Coach is having such a great time, he promotes Cochran from Student to Young Warrior.  It's all very awkward.

Albert is on board with voting out Rick, who he thinks is "as sharp as a bowling ball", instead of Cochran.  "Dude, you don't know how happy it would make me to see you go farther than Rick in this game.  It would make me ecstatic."  Edna makes Cochran wait an extraordinarily long moment in between "Dude" & "I'm on board", but Coach is silent when presented with this plan.  After all, it's not his plan.  Coach can't give up his power like that!  He worked so hard for it!

"My decision tonight & which way I go is going to determine the rest of this game.  There is a tide that is coming.  I either take it & go with a new alliance or stay with my first five.  As William Shakespeare says, 'There is a tide that comes in the lives of men that when taken leads to great fortune, but when omitted, all the rest of their lives are bound in shadows and misery.'  I want to make sure that I make the right decision.  I want to make sure that I take the right tide so that I can ride that tide all the way to the end of this game that I love so dearly."

I have to say, that one was pretty close.  First off, he got the author right.  And the quote itself is not far off from the actual line in Julius Caesar: "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.  Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows & in miseries."

At tribal council, the jury enters, & Keith must have his sister's suitcase by mistake because last week he wore a hideous green skirt to tribal:

My skirt totally makes my goatee pop, right?

& this week he's upgraded to skinny jean capris.  I mean, I think it's an upgrade?  Well, at least he shaved off that ridiculous facial hair.  Whitney comes in all smiles - must be honeymoon time at Ponderosa, which would make this her second secret honeymoon.  Zing! Nailed it.

Cochran doesn't want to sound greedy, but then demands to be paid for his flipping.  "I gave life to this tribe & to just be targeted for seventh, it's a little bit humiliating.  I feel a little bit duped."  Edna is emotional because she knows she's 6th & says she'll just keep trying to change that.

"Jeff?"  Oh no - Brandon has something to say!  "Everybody out here knows what's going to happen with these 2.  That's why tonight I'm voting out Cochran, & the next night, my vote is for Edna."  Albert is shaking his head & Vader is screaming "Noooooo!" in his head, but it's too late.  "Try not to be so grim about it, just get it out there because I believe there is black & white & I think if you're grey then you might as well be lying, to be honest with you."  Well, of course you're going to be honest with us.  That's your thing, to a fault.

Let's play again - if Survivor was The Walking Dead, Brandon would absolutely be Hershel.  Coach = Dale, Albert = Shane, Sophie = Andrea, Cochran = Carl, & no, Rick would not be Rick, even if he comes with both the name & the hat.  No.  Rick & Edna = zombie extras that shuffle along in the background, lasting way longer than they should.

Jeff points out that Brandon is a huge problem, because he's not malleable.  Coach says it's both a blessing & a curse.  "If you're with him, you know that he's not gonna turn on you, but you're also afraid that he's gonna spill the apple cart."  Now Brandon is crying & tells Jeff he's exhausted.  "I wanna do wrong things - I'm human.  But there's something stronger inside me that won't let me.  Anything worth having's not gonna be easy."  OMG, does Brandon have a light passenger?  He's the reverse Dexter!  Or he could just be a kid who was told he was bad too often, & now he's overcompensating with a crazy over-the-top idea of what it means to be "good".  Either way, he should probably see a professional.

Cochran must have decided right then was the perfect time for the best quote ever in Survivor history, because this is what he says to Probst: "Brandon has revealed that he's probably not the best person to be in a strategic partnership with.  Talking strategy with Brandon is like talking to you about shirts that aren't blue."  AMAZING.

Sophie remains cavalier about Brandon & any problems he might cause.  "The way our tribe is, I'm not concerned about anything happening in the game..."
Cochran: "If Edna wins immunity, what happens?"
Stacey: "Blam!"  Oops, Stacey's gone.  That was just in my head.  On a side note, I think there should be a pop-up Stacey in every episode, giving her comic book soundbites when called for.
Sophie shrugs & says, "Then it starts."  Whatever, I'll worry later.  Sophie's gone surfer zen!  Probst comments on how eye-opening tribal has been.  Sophie shakes her head no.  Island living has made her carefree.

Probst turns his attention to someone who has been paying attention to how well his shirts match his eyes.  Do you think that's easy to pull off?  "Cochran, how frustrating is it if the move you made was for naught?"  Um, very?  Cochran makes a comment about possibly being in a worse position than if he had stayed with Steve Vai.  After Jim left the game, he revealed that everyone wanted Cochran in their final 3, so yeah, 7 would be worse.  "I pride myself on being a Survivor expert.  Otherwise this will go down as one of the most idiotic moves in the history of the game."

"Well, it has been one of the most interesting & revealing tribal councils of the season."  No matter what you say, Sophie.  Brandon leaves to vote first & I wonder why the rest of them don't just say, "So, we're voting Brandon now, right?"

When Rick votes for Cochran, he says "Cochran, thanks for making the big move when you made it.  Happy Birthday."  Damn, that's one cold cowboy.

Coach walks by the jury & Dawn looks at him in complete disgust - what is that about?

My beloved Cochran is voted out by everyone except Edna, & I am sad, but then my husband notices that Whitney & Keith are actually holding hands in the jury, so that took the sting out a little.  Cochran is not as sad as I am.  "Jeff Probst just snuffed my torch!  This is unreal!  Dream come true!"  Turns out Elyse was right about him enjoying that experience.  Then Cochran, turning to say goodbye, almost falls down the stairs.  Adorable, but seriously - take care of yourself.

Next week we'll have Ozzy vs Cochran in the Redemption Island Duel.  It's no secret who I'll be rooting for.  I will holding prayer circles in my house every night at 9:30pm to pray for a puzzle challenge, if anyone would like to join me.

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A Remarkable Family, In Anyone's Book

Cast & Crew. Yes, we were all in the same show.

Way, way back, one week ago, our sold out run of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat came to an end.  I am having trouble accepting this, as I feel like I should be getting ready for a matinee performance right now - eating quickly, dancing around my kitchen, pinning my bangs back so they'll hide under the wigs, & applying pale foundation, obscene amounts of black eyeshadow & dark lipstick to transform myself into my goth character.

 Instead, I'm sitting at my computer, looking through photographs from our 3 months together, in disbelief that there won't be even 1 more show.  No more wrestling with quick costume changes, no more hoping I can get my scarf off, no more constant hugs from children who aren't mine, no more laughing in the green room.

Whether they are photos from the call-back auditions, way back in June,

At the time, they were strangers, every one of them.

time spent rehearsing,

Learning music

 

Rehearsing Song of the King with our Pharaoh, Andrew

First rehearsal with the fantastic band

Me & my adorable shadow, Mikayla

The handcuffs were a big hit with Kai

 our mall flash mob,

Coming to you in technicolor!

the gorgeous professional shots from our dress rehearsal,

Poor, Poor Joseph

One More Angel in Heaven

That's me!

Close Every Door

Mega-Mix, we conquered you

  

candid backstage photos,

Melanie's vintage Joseph jean jacket

Luke, Martin & Derrick - our Biker, Movie Director & Rastafarian

Too much colour for this goth.

Todd & Katie, our Joseph & Narrator

 or dimly lit, fuzzy moments from our cast party,

Derrick, Shira, Dan & Matthew

Lara, Madison & Thalia

Me & The Camel.  YES.

they all seem to provoke an odd, strangled laugh that I'm sure is scaring my son in the next room.  It's hard to believe I didn't know any of these people in those first photos.

2 weeks ago I was having mixed feelings about Joseph coming to an end.  Of course I would miss all the people, & being part of such a great show, but I was looking forward to my life getting back to normal.  While this experience has been tons of fun & a fantastic challenge, it has been hard for me to be away from my family more than I ever have before.

I was 21 the last time I was in a musical - after that, the timing never seemed right.  Engagement came soon after my last role - Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors.

I didn't know it here in rehearsal, but a blond wig + stilettos + a push-up bra = husband!

Next came the house, wedding, a new house, pregnancy, baby, another new house...life was a never-ending stream of commitments that made "doing a musical" seem selfish.  Time flew by, & suddenly I had a 7 year old who had never seen me on a stage.  Something that was such a huge part of my life had been absent for so long, my son had no idea that his Mom had ever been in plays.  I realized that much like waiting for the perfect time to have a baby, there would never be a perfect time to do a show. 

I had to work up a lot of nerve to audition for this...12 years had passed, & I felt more than a little rusty, out of shape, & also, auditions terrify me.  My husband fully supported me, & I am so, so glad that I went out for this.  When I got a part, I was excited...& then my younger brother was cast as well, & aside from everyone telling me how amazing he is all the time, having him there calmed my nerves & made super-shy me way more comfortable & able to be myself.  

My brother, Matthew & his show wife, Melanie - the Geeks

This experience has been special for so many reasons, & one of them was sharing it with my brother, with whom I have always sang, but never on a level like this.  If I wasn't trying to embarrass him, I was bursting with pride.  But everyone else can shut up about how awesome his voice is, despite never being trained, ok?

3 months ago, at our first rehearsal, most of us were strangers, learning names along with our notes & steps.  Now I can't think of a single person involved in Joseph without a fond memory or inside joke springing to mind.  I spent more time with these people than I did with my family - I'm a little annoyed that my son is doing so well in school this year, because I feel like I've been severely slacking on the homework front.  Turns out everything was just fine while I was gone.  Huh.

Paul & I - the Goths

I didn't know if I would be able to pull off the "goth" character.  I am no triple threat - I've always thought of myself as a singer, & I'll try to act, & stumble my way through the dancing.  The idea of being cast as a character so far removed from myself was daunting.  I thought I would be a nondescript wife, singing in the background, doing exactly what the other wives were doing.  Not in this production.  Yet, in this working environment, I was never afraid to try something new.  Despite all my previous musicals, this was honestly the first time I ever felt like an actor.  It was also the first time I felt like I could dance without tripping over my own feet.  The confidence I have gained from sulking around on stage & glaring at audience members has been enormous.  Who knew?

In building this show, we built our own family.  We all made mistakes & helped others fix theirs.  We used our breaks to go over never-ending choreography & difficult harmonies.  We shared our coffee.  We reminded each other about staging, props, costumes...& we bonded over drinks, like any decent family.  We were, in all accounts, a remarkable family, in anyone's book.

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Survivor South Pacific: Recap of the Recap

American Thanksgiving means a recap episode of Survivor.  Probst boasts there are 19 new scenes, but there's nothing really new here.  You might be thinking, "Great! Finally I'll get to hear from those people in the background who are somehow still in this game!"  Yeah, about that....the one time we hear Rick say something, we wish he had never said it.  This hour is just more entertaining footage of Coach & Cochran, which is fine by me.

Hey, CBS?  Coach's Halloween & Chuck E Cheese stories are absent.  We know they exist, because Stacey told us.  Now I am left to imagine the sheer awesomeness of these stories.
What has Coach gotten up to on Halloweens past?  Has he ever dressed up in anything but full dragon slayer regalia?  Has he ever protected a town from ghouls & goblins?
Did something unbelievable happen at a nephew's Chuck E Cheese party?  Or is this a memory from his childhood?  On a slight tangent, what was Coach's childhood like?

Benny Wade

I can't picture Coach the kid at a Chuck E Cheese.  Skee-ball & slides?  Where are the demons that require a beheading?
Wait - what if this is just one amazing story, a story to end all other stories?  Coach + Halloween + Chuck E Cheese?  I HAVE TO KNOW.

This recap episode is chock-full of Cochran soundbites, & here are a few right off the top:

"This is the best shape I've ever been in....this is as good as it gets."

Cochran guts fish with respect.  "I don't put fingers anywhere that I would not want fingers put on my body."  Cochran says this as his fingers are inside the fish, ripping out internal organs!  He is not as protective of his body as I am of mine.

Cochran reveals that Keith & Whitney have been doing more than sleeping in the tiny shelter they call the "bungalow".  "I just don't know if 9 months from now we're going to discover the product of this relationship."  I bet her husband back home has realized something is up as well.

On his game strategy: "I've always known I was going to be horrible at the tribe game.  The individual game, come merge time, is when I'm going to succeed.  I'm gonna be able to slither in & out of every alliance, bond & cut bonds as quickly as you can blink your eye, so if the merge comes & I'm still here, you're gonna see it happen."  

I'm sure there are gay men who can offer great advice on how to make yourself more appealing, & how to approach someone, but Papa Bear is not one of those men.  He gives Cochran pick-up advice which boils down to: wearing a tight shirt, rubbing your hands together, & telling a girl you like her earrings.  Whitney says what all women are thinking "I'd think you were gay."  However, who else but Cochran would tell a pretty girl an anecdote about that time in Kindergarten when you pooped your pants?  Not saying Papa Bear's pick-up techniques are great, but I'd go with the earring thing, Cochran.

Cochran is wearing the iconic Coach coat: "I feel like the dragon blood that flows through his veins is now entering my pores & into my bloodstream."

The best Cochran moment was at the very end, where the editors dubbed Cochran's Keith impersonation (solely comprised of sports metaphors) over a shot of Keith talking animatedly.  AMAZING JOB, EDITORS OF SURVIVOR.

This episode also showed us lots of Coach:

"Would I rather have Coach Wade on my tribe or would I rather have Ozzy?  I'd rather have Ozzy on my tribe, absolutely!  Come on, give me a break, I'm not a great Survivor!  BUT..."

Brandon wanted Coach on his side as Coach has played with honour the past 2 times.  He asks Coach for a commitment, & Coach's face lights up.  SOMEONE LIKES ME!  They make their promises as men of God.  Personally, I think someone who is trustworthy without the fear of eternal damnation hanging over them should they ever go back on their word would be a better person to trust.

We see a nasty side of Coach, as he punishes a sick-to-her-stomach Mikayla for using too much cream & sugar in her coffee by talking about pork fat, cooking it, & choking down some pieces.  This is the leftover fat from the leftover pork from the gross pork challenge when everyone's spit was mixed in with the pork.  It made me want to vomit, let alone poor Mikayla.

Yeah.  Fat from that pork.

Coach gently tells Brandon everyone loves him, but they're concerned about his behaviour at tribal councils, & Brandon asks to pray on it.  Coach prays, "Give him unbelievable self control when it comes to his tongue."  And the stalking of ladies!  How could you forget the stalking?  Sigh.  It could have changed everything.  Maybe.  

Not really.

Coach can't believe the conditions at the Steve Vai camp, which they are all sharing now.  "Who allows people to live like this?"  Answer: Ozzy the beach bum.  Coach sees that the Steve Vai tribe is "treating Cochran like dirt, & that's not gonna stand on Coach Wade's watch."  This needs to be a catch phrase, & I vow to start it.  He continues, "That kind of stuff pisses me off, so you know what, Cochran?  Come over here.  I've got room under my wing for you."

Coach gives Cochran a run down of the camp if they could all live in Greek mythology.  This automatically nudges Joss Whedon off my list of top 5 dinner guests, & Coach is now on it.  Sorry, Joss, but there's only room for 1 guest's slayer stories at my dinner party.

Ozzy is Narcissus.  Whitney is Erato.  Edna is Echo.  OK, everyone keeps saying she talks a lot, but we've only seen that in one episode.

Cochran is Hercules, obviously.  Coach, of course is Zeus, father & leader of all.  Cochran is slightly concerned.  "I seem to think Zeus ate his children?  I'm fearing that Coach may at some point devour me."  However, it was Zeus' father Cronus who swallowed his children.

Not to be outdone by Cochran's mistake, Coach quotes Nietzsche.  Or Coach thinks he quotes Nietzsche: "When you have more arrogance, you have less wisdom."  Nope, can't find that anywhere.  By anyone.  Good try, though.

Jim has a nice little moment after Brandon loses a chicken where he jokes, "Maybe Brandon can pray for it to come back & it'll show back up."

Finally, in a clip that is sure to be commented on by Joel McHale on Friday's The Soup, Rick speaks about Brandon's inability to properly kill the chicken.  (& I thought Brandon would be such a natural at murder!) Regarding Rick, it is suddenly clear why he hasn't had much screen time.  "It's a chicken! You go for the neck & you spin it around & you kill it!  Or bite his head off if you want to be cool-looking.  Just stretch it out & bite it."

That's not gonna stand on Coach Wade's watch.

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