Survivor One World Finale & Live Reunion

 
The Final Five returns to the Keanu camp after voting out Tarzan.  Kim wants to reflect on how far the woman have come & girls rule & boys drool.  Um, I don't think it's ok that the girls suddenly go feminist after they spent the first week or so whining to the boys about needing fire, or a proper shelter, or how cold & wet they were the moment a massive-ass storm came rolling in.  Future female Survivor contestants: if you want to be a shining light of feminism, learn how to make fire before you begin the game.  Learn how to build a shelter.  Keep an eye on your supplies & don't let bankers steal them.  Go out there already knowing the basics so you don't have to go running to the boys, making women look weak. So, good for you, Final 5, for making it this far, but don't claim it for womanhood.  It wasn't girl power that caused the original Menudo to self-implode, give up Tribal Immunity & vote Bill out, causing a downward spiral for the men that they couldn't recover from.  That was luck, & the girls took advantage of it.  Suffragettes, you are not.

Kim suggests to Sabrina they could vote Chelsea out, because she'd likely get lots of jury votes. Sabrina is shocked; betraying Chelsea has never crossed her mind before.  And this is why Sabrina shouldn't win Survivor - by this point, every option available should be weighed.  Sabrina later admits that she can't separate the game from reality, & if you can't do that, you can't play this game.  Alicia is also on Team Vote Chelsea Out, & it is crazy that everyone is forgetting the better target: Kim.

The Immunity Challenge is basically everything they could think of to throw in one challenge.  They have to untie ropes, unlock a gate, walk a balance beam maze, climb up a steep ramp, bounce around on a rope net, untie 5 bags containing puzzle pieces, climb back down, assemble the pieces correctly to get clues, use those clues to find 3 numbers, & use those numbers in a combination in the correct order to release a flag.  Can you repeat that one more time, Probst?  I'm just going to skip ahead to a flag being raised, because the rope net makes me think of poor Kourtney & her broken arm on that poorly-designed first challenge.  Sigh.

Kim wins Immunity for the 3rd time, & everyone is acting as if this gives Kim the power to take whomever she wants to the Final 4.  All it really means is that you can't vote for Kim.  If she wants Alicia gone, but Chelsea, Christina & Alicia want to take out Sabrina, they totally can.  But they are all blindly following Kim.  Good for Kim, but depressing & boring for us to watch.  Kim is not as entertaining as Boston Rob.

At Tribal, Probst asks Kim why this decision would be hard for her - isn't it easy to take people you could beat to the end?  And while you're looking through me with your baby blues, would you like to host the show, Kim? I don't want to be in your way.  If this is something you want, I'll just hand it to you.  Kim blinks & breaks her hold on Probst & says it's hard because she's attached to all the women left.  "I think it's just my heart...like, it does get in the way...Is that a song?"  Somewhere in Tennessee, curled up in Keith Tollefson's giraffe neck, is Whitney Duncan, now furiously writing a country song.

"What rhymes with vilified?"

Everyone follows Kim's orders, & Alicia is voted out.  I hope there's a supportive bra waiting for you at Ponderosa.  Week after week, your breasts tried to escape from my television screen.  I had no idea there were so many unflattering bikini tops for large busts.  Hopefully you were just as horrified as the rest of us.

Burn it.

Burn it.

Burn it.

You can keep this one.

This Tribal Council was the last time an Immunity Idol could have been played, so I'm wondering why Kim didn't give hers to Chelsea, even if only to play the "I protected my ally" card at the Final Jury?

The next day, the Final 4 do the Fallen Comrades walk.  It wasn't aired last season, even though they did it, but isn't it something for the Final 3 to do?  Not sure why it was done at this stage.  Anyway, usually it's boring & full of "oh, he played with such heart" & slow-mo montages as if these people died, & didn't just, you know, stop playing a game.

First up on the walk is Kourtney, & just like that the best 90 seconds of the 3 hour finale is over.  I hear her musical voice admit she'll probably be the brunt of "many a joke for many moons" & I guarantee to physically harm anyone who makes a joke at Kourtney's expense.  What happened to her was not cool.  Kourtney Moon, I pledge myself in your service, before the old gods & the new.  I will be your Brienne of Tarth, my fair Lady Catelyn, as long as we can do shots after I slay some motherf@$%ers.

Then there are a bunch of other people who were voted out.

The final Immunity Challenge is pretty cool - using a long pole, they must move 10 small wooden bowls through a channel-maze-thing to stack all 10 on top of the structure.  It all sits on a spring, so it will wobble if you hit the sides, sending all your bowls crashing down.  Here's some inside scoop on how this challenge was designed:
Probst: "I would like to have a reason to say 'All the girls are on their poles now', ok?"
Design Team: "We will make it so."

Christina puts forth a great effort, but surprise, surprise: Kim takes the last Immunity & is in the Final 3.

Back at Keanu, Kim says to Christina "Pop quiz: we all know you're going home next unless you change my mind.  What do you do?  What do you do?"  Christina says it's been nice playing & she's just going to enjoy her last day, & you're forgiven & yay for spot #4.

After Christina holds her own head under the water, hoping to make it even easier for Kim to get rid of her, Kim is thinking maybe Christina would be an awesome person to take to the Final 3 after all.  Is Christina a genius?  Was she reverse-psychology-ing her the whole time?  Sadly, no...but that would have been awesome.

At Tribal, Alicia & Kat come out wearing CRAZY amounts of eye-makeup.  The Ponderosa videos reveal that Alicia has done the makeup for both her & Kat, & it's awful.  It's a more ridiculous version of my stage makeup from a production that I was in, playing a goth.

After a tedious Tribal Council, the Final 3 will be Kim, Chelsea & Sabrina.  Christina is voted out & seems totally fine with it.  I think she genuinely just wants people to like her, & think nice thoughts about her, & she wants to avoid confrontation.  I get that.  I'm the same way (unless you mess with Kourtney, & then I will cut you).  But I have to think that I would be different playing a game for $1,000,000.  I mean, I'm hardcore when it comes to our Rock Band parties, & there's no cash prize.*  You want to sing Carry on My Wayward Son?  Bitch, no.  That is my song.  There'll be peace when you are done.  Get off my damn mic.  Don't you cry no more.

The next day, Sabrina is getting emotional about making it to the Final 3 & you would not believe the triumphant music in the background.  You would think she's about to storm a battlefield or something.  If anyone gets to be Brienne, it is me.

On to the Final Tribal Council, & opening statements to the Jury.  Chelsea asks Probst if she can stand, because she feels "it helps out a little bit".  Probst says sure, & asks if she'd like to strip down & oil up, because that would probably help a lot.

Vote for me.

Chelsea's plea helped Kim more than herself: she worked with Kim, but at the merge she knew she had to leave her emotions out of it or she wouldn't get far.  So she couldn't do what Kim did without sacrificing the social game, while Kim made emotional connections with everyone.

Kim spoke about her love of the game, how she saw it as a game, the end justifies the means...  No mention of having an idol & never using it, & she didn't even use the "outwit, outplay, outlast" motto, which I thought strange.  She would have been one of the only people who could say they actually did all three (even if it was boring to watch because no one else around her would make any moves).

Sabrina says her strategy was to have balance - she knew she could be overbearing, so she underplayed the challenges.  She says she can't separate the game from real life.  Tells the jury she was laid off.  Pretty blah.

Jonas is up first, & is very serious.  "When I address you by a name, I want you to answer 'Yes, Master Jonas'" & then he dissolves into laughter.  He tells Chelsea she's cute & she is all "what? really?"

A different Taylor Swift shocked face than the one I've been using all season?  You've been Swifted.

Jonas blushes & says all the guys agree Chelsea is the hottest girl out there, & Kat, Christina, Kim, Sabrina, & Alicia all line up to get slapped in the face by a tuna-wielding Jonas.

Christina asks Chelsea "Why do you hate people?" & it's hilarious.  Chelsea says she had to take her heart out of the game, & she's really not a cold-hearted bitch in real life.

Jay says something, but mostly continues to be pretty.

Michael asks for a definition of "blindside" because everyone keeps telling him he was blindsided, but he doesn't play college football or know Sandra Bullock, so what gives?  Now that he understands, he asks Kim if she thinks she's perfected the art of a blindside.  Um, there is no art, you just have to be willing to make a big move.  The only other person willing to make a big move was Troyzan, & nobody would play this game with him.

Tarzan spends his time talking about his wife & thanks the girls for letting him get to the point in the game where his wife could set foot on the island.  Talks about how he will always remember her whispered breath & footprints in the sand until God brings them together again on an atomic level, & dude, we already covered that you're a romantic bastard.  Unbelievably, Chelsea hasn't had enough of this & says that he has opened up her eyes to the possibilities of love & never knew a love like that could really exist.  Whitney Duncan will be up all night writing country songs.

Leif (who I totally captured in DrawSomething, as you can see) is bitter & wants to know why he was voted out.  Really?  You were 1 of 2 guys left, & it was clear the women were voting the men out after Jay left. Waste of a question.

Alicia stands up & man, she is delusional, & has an extremely poor grasp of the English language for a teacher.  "Kim.  You & I played this game very similar.  I was a kingpin.  I had my pawns: Christina & Tarzan.  You have your pawns: Sabrina & Chelsea.  Homegirl, you know if I was sitting next to you, you'd be shitting bricks right now.  Because without you getting me out, I would have had more chances of winning that money than any of youse.  And actually, I'm super gladder, because I didn't know Ms. Puerto Rico over here could actually be a potential threat, like, who thought that, you know?"

I'm also super gladder Alicia was voted out, aren't you?

Troyzan, sporting PJ pants, asks Kim one question that will determine if she gets his vote or not.  When did she decide to vote him out?  Kim says "When we voted Jonas out", but that was not what Troyzan wanted to hear, I guess, so no vote for Kim.  Maybe if she had said she knew he was a threat the moment she saw him?  I do find this stunt of Troyzan's surprising, because I would have thought a real Survivor fan would put aside any bitterness & vote based on how the game was played.

Kat gets up & says she was hurt & destroyed by Kim voting her out, but she's over it now & would like to share something.  "When I was 12, I had 2 open heart surgeries, & in order for me to have kids, I have to have another one in 12 years, which is, like, now, at 22." She's really trying, so no one tell her that her math is wrong.  Full House music swells & she teaches the jury a lesson in forgiveness & no day but today & pleads with them to not vote in anger.

Everyone votes, Probst grabs the urn & walks through the forest, & I'm hoping for another great journey-with-the-urn montage, because I cannot get enough of this video from the Vanuatu finale.

I mean, come on, that is awesome.  Probst takes the urn & hacks his way through the jungle with a machete all night long.  When dawn breaks, he finds a waiting plane that flies over an Indiana Jones map to the US, & then he skydives out of the plane, landing next to a motorcycle which he rides to LA.  Come on.  Bring that back.  Instead, he just walks into the studio.

Chelsea's eyebrows are brought to you by Benjamin Moore.

Now we're in NY for the live show, & hey, I see Blossom in the crowd for a split second.  What an appropriate amount of time to showcase someone who has nothing to do with Survivor other than her current show being on the same network!  Kind of like when Fringe's Walter Bishop shows up in the American Idol audience & you're like, "Hey, I just spotted John Noble behind Seacrest, smiling & being quiet!  Cool beans.  I bet Phillip Phillips is his favourite.  I'll just have to keep wondering, because spending time on that conversation during a live show would be ridiculous.

Probst spends 3 minutes soaking up the applause before reading the votes.  Sabrina gets 2 of the votes (from Troyzan & Leif), & Kim gets the rest.

The least surprising winner in the history of Survivor.

Now, my thoughts on Reunion Shows are that they are always disappointing.  Last season, Probst took a question from a little girl asking Ozzy, "How do you climb trees & swim so well?", yet he didn't have time to say one word to Mikayla, who was a lingerie football player being stalked by another contestant.  Seriously.  If you only have an hour, don't waste it on random audience/family members.  Talk to the people who actually agreed to be on your show.  I don't want to hear about Russell Hantz if he's not in the season.  I don't care about Colton's Mom (great job on raising a not-horrible person, btw).  I never wanted to know that Tarzan's wife only calls him by his nickname during sexytime.  And I really, truly don't care about how fabulous Blossom thinks Colton is.  I have low expectations for this hour.

Kim has just won, everyone is hugging, the rest of the Survivors come out & there's Kourtney!  I can't wait for Probst to give everyone an update on how she's been doing.  Probst says "Happy Mother's Day", & I think Awesome! He's going to talk to her first, because she's a Mom who is away from her son on Mother's Day to be here, on your reunion show.  Nope.

What we get is a "Worst of Colton" reel, & afterwards, Probst repeats some of the comments we literally just heard 10 seconds ago.  Already too much screen time for Colton.  He's awful & says he'll own up to it, but really he doesn't say much of anything.  Bill, or as my husband yelled when he first came on stage, "Prince!", tries to handle the Colton situation maturely, once again...

...but he's interrupted by Colton.  Bill raises his hand a little, to respond, & Probst shuts him down.

Oh, this is what it feels like when the doves cry.  I get it now.

Probst goes into the audience to talk to Colton's Mom, & she apologizes for her son & the audience awwws.  Save it for your talk show, Probst.  Jeff attempts to help her excuse her son's behaviour by saying that since Colton was accepted for being gay, that tells him the Cumbie family is accepting of a lot of things.  Like racism!

Instead of going back to the stage where the contestants are, Probst moves back a few rows to Blossom.  Excuse me?  No worries, Probst assures us that Mayim Bialik isn't there to promote her show, Big Bang Theory, on CBS Thursdays at 8, she's there because she's a fan!  Who wrote to him last year!  And now is taking up time saying how fabulous she thinks Colton is & that he should have had more time & that she would love to see him on Survivor again.

Probst then pulls a random guy to his feet who says on behalf of the audience, we all hated the character Colton was playing, not the actual Colton.  Um, speak for yourself, clueless random guy.  Why couldn't you have asked what the deal is with the hot badass chick stuck in the f@#&ing SHADOWS on stage?!?

Kim wins the Player of the Season & the $100,000 that goes along with that.  I have to say it's interesting that she won, even though she doesn't have a twitter account, & therefore hadn't been campaigning for votes like, say, Troyzan & Chelsea had been.  She doesn't have the kind of online relationship with the viewers that some of the Survivors have, yet she still won.

We get a preview of next season, which will be in The Philippines, & will feature 3 previously medically evacuated Survivors who will join 3 tribes of new players.  So NOW we'll talk to Kourtney, right?  Because she was medically evacuated in the first episode?  Nah.  Nobody needs to know about the broken arm that cost Kourtney her job as a motorcycle mechanic.  Colton's bacterial infection masquerading as appendicitis is much more intense.  What's that?  Colton was fine after a few rounds of anti-biotics?  Oh.  Nevermind.

Probst then mentions the Survivor Auction, where you can bid on items from the season, with all proceeds going to Survivor: Stand Up To Cancer.  Hey, you know who outwit cancer?  The girl in the shadows on your stage.  Maybe now would be a good time to hear about the tumor she had removed after she left the game?  The tumor that two Survivor medical evaluations missed?  And, I don't know, maybe WISH HER WELL LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING???

Not. Cool.  Kourtney, let's get those shots soon, k?  Slaying makes me thirsty.

And so Survivor: One World is over.  I hope I've added some entertainment to a season which has been pretty blah.  I'll be back next season - I'm really hoping Jonathan Penner & Michael Skupic will be 2 of the past Survivors returning.  Penner is one of my favourite Survivors, & his last evacuation broke my heart.

Anyone you'd like to see back?

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, subscribe, & follow me on twitter: @MomOfKai


As for the Ponderosa videos, Americans can view them at  cbs.com, & here they are for the rest of us (there's an almost cat-fight between Alicia & Kat in Alicia's first video.  Where was this drama in the show?):

Tarzan:

Alicia:

Christina:

*not that we have Rock Band Parties...that would be lame.....

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Survivor One World: 24.13 Baby Blues & a Boat

A few things to get to before the recap: first up is the exciting news that I won a buff from Jeff Probst for my LEGO Survivors!  I must thank my son's extensive LEGO collection, because they have won me buffs 2 seasons in a row.  I will put up with LEGO permanently embedded in my feet for this.

Next up are the Ponderosa videos nobody wants to see, because it's a very, very distressed Kat, & nobody wants to see Kat cry.  She does, & it's a terrible amount.  It's so interesting to see how trusting people can be in this game.  Kim is doing a helluva job out there, whether you like her game or not.  The videos will be posted at the end of the recap.

Thirdly, I'm guessing that Troyzan will win Player of the Season.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to vote for my manic pixie dream girl, so I encourage you to do the same & make Kourtney the first pre-merge player to get at least close to winning the Player of the Season.  Because imagine how pissed that would make Alicia.  Do it for that alone.  Vote for Kourtney here, but only Kourtney, & if you vote for anyone else your computer/phone/tablet will self-implode.

Sad Orca will be sad if you don't vote.

Now on to the show.  The Final 6 return to the Keanu camp after blindsiding Kat.  They feel a little guilty, but they're kind of giggling about her ironic comment about blindsides being funny & exciting.  At that moment, Kat was falling apart in Troyzan's arms, still in shock that she was betrayed.

Kat left before Crabby McClawsters & his 7UP bottles?  COME ON.

Tarzan is optimistic as Kat leaving has broken the voting-out-a-male chain.  He feels slightly safe, like he's wearing chainmail.....am I right?  Anyone?  Tarzan reveals he has a subplot, but won't reveal it, even in his confessional, where he's kind of expected to reveal stuff exactly like this.  He approaches Kim & tells her what her best strategy will be: To take Christina & Alicia, & when Tarzan's on the jury, he'll convince them to vote for Kim.  Kim says "Whatever, crazy old man, I'm not listening to you", except she doesn't say anything like that, & proceeds to confide in him.  In Tarzan.  "I just start to wonder if Alicia is really going to want to take me."  Alicia shows up & agrees that she likes that Final 3 scenario.  Kim walks away, & Alicia then confides in Tarzan.

OMG why is everyone believing Tarzan really wants to help them win?

Alicia lies down on a couch & reveals her doubts - can she beat Kim?  I mean, obviously she can win against that evil lump of a Survivor, Christina. Christina is apparently so unbelievably awful that CBS can't even air the footage of her tyranny, leaving every viewer to wonder WHAT ABOUT CHRISTINA IS SO HORRIBLE?!?  But back to Kim: can Alicia really win against her?  Cue Tarzan, who now promises to get the jury to vote for Alicia.

Tarzan now decides he can reveal a portion of his strategy.  The strategy he has just now come up with, because he has decided to start playing the game.  "I've been doing this in segments: don't be the first one voted out.  Make it to the merge.  Make it to seeing my wife.  Make it to number 4...& maybe slipping in to number 3.  Even if I make it to 3 & lose, it won't be a terrible thing.  I just won't buy shocks for my car.  That's all."  Am I really out of the loop on how much shocks cost?  Because Tarzan is saying that he can't afford shocks if he wins any amount less than $1,000,000.

Chelsea sees that the Keanu tribe is split down the centre.  "I genuinely think that Alicia, Christina & Tarzan think that they have Kim in their alliance, which is great, because I know she's got my back."  You know who else thought that?

Honey Badger cares now.

Chelsea tries to break Christina from her alliance by promising to take her along on the reward, if she should win.  She mentions that Tarzan might be dangerous because the men might vote for him just to spite the women, & also, don't repeat any of this.  Christina says "Yeah, I'll just keep it quiet."  Christina then tells everyone & everything she comes across what went down.

"Did you hear?  Did you hear?" "Tell me everything, my dear, & I promise you I'll never tell a soul"

On to the Reward Challenge, where they will unscrew discs by spinning around, then use the discs to make a decoder puzzle which will give them 3 numbers to use in a combination to release a flag.  I'm dizzy already.  Reward is an afternoon/night on a yacht, involving cocktails, a shower, & a feast, of course.  I don't even understand how Kim is so thin right now.  She should be putting on weight, with the amount she has eaten.

Chelsea wins, possibly redeeming herself after that puzzle she & Alicia couldn't solve even while looking at a completed version.  Who will she take with her?  Christina pops a few Gravol pills to ward off the seasickness she is sure to be feeling soon, & Chelsea clears her throat.  Someone has a speech.  "I just know Kat caught a lot of grief for who she chose in the last reward, so I'm gonna play it fair like I've played this whole game...& I think Sabrina needs to go with me."  Pick a second person.  "Kim."

You've been double-Swifted.

The Final 3 Varsity Team are enjoying the boat.  So I kind of have to do this.

Chelsea is showering, & Kim is feeling more like herself what with all the pampering & champagne (note to self: become a bridal shop owner cuz apparently they be livin' the life).  Back at Keanu, Alicia is pissed, Christina seems mildly annoyed, & Tarzan is trying to tell a push-up bra-wearing Alicia all about the benefits of breast reduction, but he is shut down.

I'm actually more interested in a breast increasion.  That's a word, right?  I'm a teacher.

They decide they want to vote out Chelsea, & Alicia trusts that Kim will side with them.  Tarzan suggests that Kim & Chelsea may be a team deceiving all of them, & that he may be a better choice to take to the end.

Back on the boat, Kim is feeling more confident in her Varsity Final 3.  If only there was a way to split the solid alliance made up of the 2 girls who hate each other & the crazy old man.  Hmmmm.

Tarzan is having trouble dealing with the estrogen level around Keanu.*  He is having a hilarious breakdown.  "My plans for the day are: fix me some coconut stew, start the fire, clean my clothes, wash my hair again, & prepare to be defeated at some kind of contest, later today." 

Don't be alarmed, it's just a cry for help.  It's a cooler, not an oven.

He continues with the grumpy old man bit while preparing his coconut stew.  Alicia asks what he's doing with the coconut, which is sitting in his dirty buff, & he growls "Don't worry about it."  Alicia says, "You're not using your buff to drain that...or puree it...or whatever you call it."  Yeah, it's clear Alicia has never spent much time in a kitchen.  I believe strain is the word she was looking for, or maybe even filter.  But not even close to "drain" or "puree".

Kim, with her hair that has been freshly shampooed for the 2nd time in the past 33 days, is talking with Alicia.  Alicia reveals that Tarzan has been telling everyone that Kim is a threat.  Kim then deftly plays Alicia, saying things like "Imagine if Tarzan was really a mastermind."  They discover that Tarzan had promised them both the same thing, & limbs go flying all over the place as Kim convinces Alicia that his plan is probably to take Christina to the end, & they almost got "Tarzaned" (oh no, it has become a thing, hasn't it?)!  Nicely done.

Alicia says she's happy she avoided looking like an idiot in front of everybody.

LOLZ

She goes on a rantic about how Tarzan is not going to play her.  "Now you're trying to work your social game?  I am the Queen of the social game."  With all this laughing, I'll soon have abs like Kim.  "I'm the most powerful player & I'm gonna remain the most powerful player."

At the Immunity Challenge, we find out what happens when Barrel of Monkeys & Heathcliff combines.  It's my childhood in an Immunity Challenge, you guys!

Survivors must pick up bags of fish bone puzzle pieces with fish hooks, fit the pieces into a fish skeleton, & do all of that with one hand tied behind their back.  We wouldn't want anyone to break a wrist because of incompetent instructions or anything.

Now, when it comes to Survivor & puzzles, I would make sure that it's perfect.  This is what Christina does, as hers is the only fish skeleton that has its pieces in proper order for it to actually look right.

Difficult to see, but Christina's is the only perfect one.

I guess perfection wasn't the objective here?

Alicia wins Immunity & gets quite emotional as she finally has something to keep those girls under wraps.

Back at Keanu, Kim tells her Final 3 Varsity Team that she's pretty sure 2/3rds of the JV team will vote out Tarzan because they think he's been playing them.  But she's not going to give Chelsea her Immunity Idol, because she might need it herself.  Sabrina comments "Kim bats her baby blues & looks right at you...it's really hard to not believe Kim."

"This isn't offensive to anybody if I wear this, right?" Tarzan says as he turns around wearing Kat's tank top, with her bikini bottoms on his head.  I'm having flashes of Norman Bates.

Future Survivors: ALWAYS take your bag with you to Tribal.

At Tribal Council, Tarzan gives it one more shot, although he knows he might have blown his subplot by being a grumpy old man.  He makes the point that the men don't like him, since he helped vote them out, & nobody wants to give the money to a millionaire.  Again, why can't you afford shocks for your Jeep?  The girls bring up the bikini situation & Tarzan says "I'm not afraid of those panties at all."  Cut to Kat (who looks gorgeous, BTW) wiping a tear from her eye.

98% sure this is a random shot of emotional Kat at Tribal, but Tarzan was wearing her stuff, so...

Tarzan is voted out, & thanks everyone for the adventure.  He then leaves us with a bit of prose not seen since Semhar's spoken word.

"To win Survivor is the goal
if a million bucks lifts your soul.
You must outwit, outplay, outlast
or be a savage soon outcast.
Expect there'll be so much to see
people will lie & they will cheat."

Goodbye, Tarzan.  You decided to start playing the game about 6 Tribal Councils too late.

Don't forget the season finale is this Sunday night! I'll be live-tweeting it, if you want to join in the conversation: @MomOfKai

As always, if you are in the US, you can watch Kat's  Ponderosa webisodes at cbs.com, & I have them posted here for the rest of us.  I must warn you - your heart will weep for this girl.

*Best sentence in the history of sentences.

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Survivor One World: 24.12 LEGO & Quantum Entanglement

Survivors, ready?

Last season I received a fantastic response to my all-LEGO recap, so much so that when I tweeted Jeff Probst a photo, he sent me a signed buff. Given that once again we're down to the Final 7, I thought I would attempt another LEGO recap. With 6 women & 1 man left, it proved more difficult this season (not so many LEGO bikini bodies), & I am most regretful that we have no LEGO pink hoodies.   But I'm very pleased with Tarzan & Alicia.  

The Keanu tribe returned to camp after they vanquished Troyzan from the game he so loved.

Our resident honey badger, Kat, is wondering what Troyzan could have meant by his parting words to her, "Do it.", but is having no luck deciphering this cryptic message.  Do what?  Take control of the game?  Sabotage Kim? Party & get drunk?  The possibilities are endless until you pass out wasted, really.

Kim is physically relieved that Troyzan, the only other person who seemed to be trying to win this game, is gone.  Christina doesn't look so relieved as she has to explain to everyone why she voted for Chelsea.  She tells everyone that Troyzan got her to switch, which plays right into the "take me to the finals because nobody would vote for me" strategy I hope she's playing behind the edit.

Alicia suddenly wants to keep Christina around.  "Tribal tonight showed how stupid Christina is.  Seeing Christina answer those questions in front of the jury just made her look dumb.  Sabrina actually can talk & she can sway them the more she's left here."  The more she's left here?

"OK, 'The longer she stays here', better? I don't have time for this. I'm a teacher."

Tree Mail brings a "Sprint Video Phone", which, you know, can't we just call it a phone now?  Everyone gathers to watch messages from their loved ones, & everyone cries, no one more than Chelsea & Christina.  Also me.  I'm crying buckets just watching them cry.  I am a slave to emotional manipulation.

The loved ones all made these videos while on the island, so this bit of product placement doesn't even make sense anymore.  We're going to see these reunions in 10 minutes.  Oh, I forgot they'll get to take photos with their phone so they never forget these moments which are being filmed by a camera crew & broadcast internationally.  I'm just saying, at least the 7UP cooler is doing its job.

Sabrina's brother says "your absence is a void in everyone's heart."  I'm pretty sure I've gone 30 days without seeing my brother, & I did alright.  (I know, it's different out there, they're all alone...I'm just trying to keep myself from cryi...damnit.)

Alicia's sister Leticia greets her with a threat.  "All I have to say is you better win the next challenge because I had to work 2 doubles to make this trip happen."  Must be such a fun family to be around.

Christina's Dad says "I hope you're not suffering as much as I am", & we learn that he recently had a kidney transplant & may only have 5-10 years left to live.  And now he's in Samoa to see his daughter.  Survivor, you didn't even need to add the sad piano music.  I've embraced my tears by now.

Tarzan cries while watching his wife Terri's video message, & the fact that I'm weepy over Tarzan cements my thoughts on how these visits should go down, which is how Sabrina sees things.  "There's some people that need to see their family because they may not have that much longer here on earth.  Tarzan is in a 30 year marriage, he's 64, they don't have children, it's just...I hope the other women are kinda thinking like that, not being too selfish."

At the Reward Challenge, Probst calls out the loved ones, making Tarzan wait until last to see his wife.  First he has to watch everyone else's tearful reunions, & a strange, possibly inappropriate reunion between Kat & her cousin, involving crawling & straddling.  "We work together, we live together, we breathe together!"  Probst tells Chelsea she looks like a little girl with her Father.  Jeff, that is called a smile, & it's the first one we've seen from Chelsea this entire season.  Finally Probst calls Tarzan's wife out, & they embrace on the ground & it's pretty damn sweet.  She tells Jeff "Take him away & I'm lost."  Probst asks Tarzan how he's stayed connected with Terri while he's been out there, & if Tarzan was media-savvy he would have said "With my Sprint Video Phone" & smiled right into a camera.  Instead, he goes a different route & says "Well, we're soul-mates, so we're always connected.  We have a quantum entanglement."

Shut your mouth, you romantic bastard.

Little side-note: I've just finished reading Triggers by Robert J. Sawyer, & in this novel, quantum entanglement is mentioned briefly.  Here are the easy-to-digest blurbs about quantum entanglement from the book, so you get a feel of what Tarzan was really saying:

"When pairs of particles are created simultaneously under the right circumstances, they can become linked in such a way that they continue to be connected no matter how far apart they become."

"Change the spin of one entangled particle, & the spin of the other changes instantaneously; they are bound together in an almost magical way - again, no matter how far apart they get from each other."

COME ON.  That is pretty much as romantic as science can get.

Tarzan: Romantic Bastard.

The challenge is a rope course that must be untangled (this part will be hard for Tarzan & Terri who can NEVER become untangled) while connected to your loved one (which is easy for Tarzan & Terri because they're ALWAYS connected).  First team to make it to the end wins a feast & margaritas.  But isn't the real reward here the time you get to spend with your loved one? 
*This just in: Kat says "No, it's actually the margaritas".

Honey badger takes what it wants, & honey badger wants margaritas so it takes them.  Kat & her cousin win the challenge & dance over to Probst who tells them to choose 1 Survivor & their loved one to join them.  "Kim."  Probst points out, "Even though Kim didn't choose Kat last time, Kat is choosing Kim this time."  He gives Kat 1 more person to choose, & she picks Alicia.  Probst wants the others to have lots to think about when they're alone back at camp, so he adds "Alicia, who also went on the last reward without Kat."  But hang on, Kat has a logical explanation for choosing these girls.  Clearly, strategy must be behind this tough decision.  "I've been wanting to hang out with these 2 girls for a very long time.  Just us...AND alcohol!  I mean, margaritas...I'm about to get drunk!"  In your face, soul-mates who must be missing each other SO much, & Father/Daughter with limited time together!  Young, healthy sisters & cousins are way more important! Suck on that!  Honey badger don't care!  Honey badger wants to drink!

Everyone agrees that Kat should have picked Tarzan & Christina.  If you're not going to make a strategic decision, make one based on, like, being a human being.  It could have been strategic, too!  If you're expecting Tarzan & Christina to be on the jury, don't you think they'd remember something nice like letting them spend time with their ill Father or SOUL-MATE?  But honey badger don't care.  "I'll just eat my cake, get drunk, & I'll go back to the tribe & deal with them later."

The loved ones are all sitting around & Kat's cousin says "So what's the dizzle?" *cue record scratch*
WHAT'S THE DIZZLE is a thing that guy just said.  Process that.

Kim & her six-pack want to go to the final 3 with Alicia & Kat, & here's why: "I don't think Alicia will get many votes.  She's not well-liked, but she's delusional about that.  And Kat, she would be the person that would have a show, like, How $1,000,000 Ruined My Life, & she doesn't know where she spent the money."  Please, Kim.  We all know she would spend it on shots.

Back at camp, Kim says she thought about letting a few challenges go so she doesn't seem like a huge threat, but she doesn't feel safe, so if she can win them, she'll win them.

Off to the Immunity Challenge, where the dizzle is this: they have to stand on a ledge over the water, holding onto a rope behind them that will become longer whenever a teal-shirted Probst feels like it. The more rope they get, the closer they get to the water, making it harder to hold themselves up.  This must be the kind of challenge that is harder than it looks, because one by one, everyone jumps off or steps down, until it is down to Kat & Kim.

Kat loses her grip & falls into the water, tearful as Kim wins Immunity.  Kim wants a high-five but honey badger don't care.  "To lose to someone who's 28 years old, who's 6 years older than me, that's like...how embarrassing is that?"  How old does Kat think 28 is?!? 

As they make their way back to camp, a beautiful mermaid pops up to splash Jeff Probst, & yes, it is the magical Kourtney Moon.

She is my spirit animal.

Alicia, meanwhile, has changed her mind about wanting Sabrina gone, as Sabrina was the first one out of the challenge, & now Kat seems like more of a threat.  "Homegirl brought it."  But that's not why she wanted to take Sabrina out in the first place: how she performs in challenges has nothing to do with her ability to persuade the jury or control the game.  And why is Alicia surprised that Kat lasted so long when she's been a strong competitor all along?

At Tribal Council, Troyzan walks in with the rest of the jury & attempts to kill them all with his glare.

Kat says winning the reward & leaving some people out hurt her feelings.  Jeff says "Huh?" & Kat explains, "Yeah, cuz I don't wanna see their faces be mad...I was thinking, 'who would I have a great time with?'"  Sabrina rolls her eyes & wholeheartedly agrees that strategy had nothing to do with Kat's decision, as she's 22 & just wants to have fun.  Kat nods enthusiastically.  "I am 22, I am a little naive."  Chelsea says the 22 year old thing is "her way out every time she screws up.  Every time someone gets on her case about how selfish she is, she says 'I'm 22, get off my back'...22 is not that young."

Honey badger is like WTF guys. "Is this whole Tribal Council about me?"  She will fight you all.  Probst then says the words "deserves to still be here", & Jay & Leif move to physically restrain Troyzan before he chokes Kim.

Sabrina comments on Kat's high-five snubbing of Kim.  Honey Badger has had enough.  "Dude, what is this?"  Honey badger came here for the fun & exciting blindsiding of Sabrina. Can't we just get to that?  Kat says, "If it is gonna be a blindside, it's gonna be pretty funny & pretty exciting."  Probst says "Huh?" & Kat says, "I don't know, cuz blindsides are always fun & exciting, you know, you're always like 'whaa?'  I always get excited when something like that goes down, & if it does, cool beans.  If it doesn't...touche, whatever."

It's a cool beans kind of Tribal Council as Kat is blindsided.  She is shocked, & gives a tearful last statement.  "I'm proud of myself, but, like, I just don't believe it was my time to go, &, like, I left before Christina & Tarzan, like, are you kidding?  I'm so embarrassed, I'm gonna go down as the most naive person in the whole game.  I'm gonna beg Jeff to let me play again so I can redeem myself."

Touche, honey badger, touche.

Which brings us to Ponderosa, where the boys, I'm sure, gave Kat a nice welcome.  Americans can view Troyzan's arrival & first few days at cbs.com, & here they are for the rest of us:

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Survivor One World: 24.11 Dummies & Bacon

Leif was voted out at the last Tribal Council, & Americans can go to cbs.com to view the webisodes.  I've posted them at the end of this recap for the rest of us.

After sending Leif home, Tarzan comments on the doomed situation he has helped put the men in.  "2 boys left...so now we're in a hopeless situation unless the boys win immunities.  So if I was trying to play the odds in my favour, the smartest thing to do is go with what the girls want me to do, rather than risk being exposed as a person on Troyzan's side."  Tarzan also believes that if you discover you're missing a scalpel after you've sewn a lady up, it's best to just send her on her way & move to another State & change your name to something ridiculous like Tarzan.

Kim's plan is to keep everyone happy & calm.  Unfortunately for her, Tree Mail has other ideas.  The kind of Reward Challenge that everyone dreads is upon them - the kind that reveals what everyone is really thinking, & the pecking order of the tribe.  If the winner gets to bring others along with them, Kat & Kim set up a deal to bring each other.

The contestants have to answer questions about themselves, & when Probst has all of their answers, they have to guess who the majority of the group chose for each question.  Each time they answer correctly, they chop a rope holding creepy-ass dummies representing each Survivor so accurately that Kat's is wearing a pink hoodie.

Not so accurate on the "pretty", though.

Each dummy gets 3 chops before they are sent flying into flames & their real-life counterpart is out of the challenge.  But I thought fire represented life in Survivor!  I'm so confused!  The last dummy...er, person standing wins a helicopter ride to an island picnic, which is pretty much what they do everyday, as they are living outside.  The novelty of a picnic should be long gone.  Probst asks, "Worth playing for?" & I wonder if there's ever been a reward where everyone says, "Meh", but then I remember last season, when a reward "worth playing for" was sitting through a screening of Jack & Jill, so standards are obviously lower in the Survivor world.

This challenge is the kind of game my family likes to play on game nights, but with fun questions like "If Lisa was an athlete, which sport would she excel at?"  If you can get through that question without laughing, you win.  Note this, family: next game night, we're using these Survivor questions.  It's gonna get real dark.

"Who does not deserve to still be here?"  The consensus is Christina, & she is sad, & right about now is when I would start crying.  What exactly have they edited out about Christina?  Does she sleep all day?  Did she eat more than her fair share of Jonas' coconut potato chips?  And if she did, who could blame her?  Damn you, editors!  I'll never know what is so unlikable about Christina!

"Who would you trust with your life?"  Kim wins, but what is more surprising than everyone trusting a bridal boutique owner with their life is that half of them thought the majority chose Tarzan, a man who can't even keep his own underwear clean.

Troyzan's dummy gets its 3rd chop & into the inferno it goes.  Alicia grabs the opportunity to mock him & his motto "This is my island!", & then the game of Survivor gets Tarzaned again.  "...& now he's part of the island - his ashes.  & he's become the molecular substrate of this island, so he does belong on this island."  Um, Troyzan the person hasn't been burned to ashes...it's just a dummy, Tarzan.  Have you spent too long building half-plastic people that you can't tell the difference anymore?

Tarzan would like you to meet his Grandchildren.

"Who most needs a wake-up call in life?"  Kat wins (or maybe loses is the right word here), & Tarzan & Chelsea's dummies are set ablaze. 

"Who's the biggest poser?" The answer is Troyzan.

"Who does the least for their tribe?" Sabrina wins, surprisingly.  She was tribe leader & had so many credentials early on!

Kat is chopped out of the challenge & I love how quickly she gets her back up.  "What?  What did I do to you?  That's ridiculous.  You guys are crazy." She's like my cat (see what I did there?) - she will purr & purr & purr & then suddenly she'll swipe at you with claws fully extended.  Or maybe a honey badger is more appropriate.  Looks adorable, but really the most fearless creature ever.

Christina notes that the dummies have skeletons & holy crap is Tarzan on to something?  Are they really people? Wait - where is Leif?  WHERE IS LEIF?

"Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?"  Kim wins, & Christina is out.

"Who do you hope to never see again after the game?" Troyzan is the clear winner for the girls.  I can't wait to use this question on family game night.  I promise to record the evening & post it here for all to enjoy.

Kim wins the reward & gets to choose one person to bring along.  She doesn't want Troyzan to go back to camp with both Alicia & Christina, so she chooses Alicia.  Probst gives her 1 more spot to fill, & Kat fixes her hair for the breezy helicopter ride to come, & Kim chooses Chelsea.
Kat: "Are you serious?"
Kim: "I'm sorry Kat.  This girl never eats & you know it." 

Troyzan licks his lips & moves in for the kill.  "I think it's pretty revealing.  It shows exactly where everyone stands.  Exactly."  These words haunt Kat all the way back to camp.  Kim should have taken Troyzan along with her, ensuring he couldn't talk to anyone.  Sure, that means he gets a helicopter ride & food, but nobody is starving anyway.  They get doughnuts every 3rd day, for Probstsakes.  Remember when Survivors used to be starving?  Me too.  Sigh.

In the helicopter, Kim says "There's no one else I wanted to bring more", & that sound in the distance was Kat tossing her Hello Kitty TV out of her apartment window.  Kat goes on a rantic back at the Keanu camp, but is still trying to tell herself that Chelsea was picked because she needed the food.  Troyzan is trying his hardest to turn Kat.  "It's not about food today.  It's a strategy."  It drives her to tears & my heart can't take it.  Nobody wants to see Kat cry.

Why is she still so pretty when she cries?  NOT FAIR.

Sabrina tries to comfort Kat by saying they were left behind because Kim knows they won't waver.  But like a true honey badger, Kat don't care.  "Troy was making me so angry.  I'm sick & tired of him saying that...he says they're the final 3...I don't want to go down as a weak player, & I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure that's not the case.  & if that means me having to vote Kim out, then fine."

Sabrina asks Troyzan what his plan would be & pretends to be intrigued by the pitch.  Christina agrees that they have to look at other options.  In Sabrina's confessional, she reveals she just wanted to see how easily Christina would be swayed, & now she knows.  But what does Sabrina expect from someone who has never been in the alliance?  Especially after the entire tribe told Christina she doesn't deserve to be there.  If I were Christina, I would be playing that up, pointing out the obvious benefits of taking someone to the Final 3 who "doesn't deserve to be there".

Kim, Chelsea & Alicia return & Kim eventually convinces Kat to talk to her.
Kat: "I'm furious."
Kim: "Ahem." (pulls out her notes) "Kat, I adore you.  You're one of my favourite people here..."
Kat rips the notes to shreds with her teeth.
Kim later reflects that her decision to not choose Kat was the first mistake she's made because it wasn't strategic.  & now she has a pissed honey badger on her hands.

Everyone is huddling under the shelter, not noticing the camera panning from them to something out of their line of sight.  Again, always look at the cameras.  If you're looking for a Hidden Immunity Idol, & the camera remains zoomed in on a tree hollow you just gave up on, that's where the Idol is.  Now a crew member is trying to get your attention to notice the adorable pig that's just wandered into camp.

When everyone notices the pig, hooting & hollering commences.  Half of the tribe goes Lord of the Flies with a blood-lust not seen since that honey badger video above.  Alicia yells "Kill it!" & our honey badger screams "We gotta spear that thing!".  The excitement is too much to process without some banjo & fiddle music, so let's grab some rope & try to catch us the slowest pig in the world.  Now, I'm not saying Survivor is fixed, or that any part of this is manipulated, but that pig may have been sedated & driven into the camp.  Maybe.  I don't trust anything on this show since I have not received Proof of Life from Leif as of yet, & I am concerned.

We hear pig squeals as he walks from one Survivor to the next, & I'm betting they were added in post-production, not unlike some audio manipulation from the first episode.  Sabrina is explaining the situation when behind her Christina yells "I found it!", grabs an axe, & runs after the pig while the bluegrass music builds.  Perfection.

How does this girl not deserve to still be there?

Troyzan joins in for fun, but thinks "how foolish does this look?  These girls are all running around, chasing a pig, not knowing what the hell they're gonna do with it once they catch it."  Ron Swanson would make it happen.

The pig escapes the rope, axe, & spear, seeing as everyone just screams & runs away when he approaches them.  As the new Keanu Mascot, I dub him: Ted "Theodore" Logan.

The new & improved tribe heads to the Immunity Challenge, which happens to be an adult version of Slip n' Slide, now with extra lube.  At the end of the Slip n' Slide, there are rings that must be thrown onto hooks.  Competing in pairs, until there is only one pair left, they draw for spots & oil themselves up.

Oddly, there weren't as many shots of Tarzan oiling himself up as there were of the girls.

Kat does an adorable dance as she wins her first round, & it makes me wonder how much adorableness we've missed out on since Kourtney broke her wrist.  That's an entire season of knit orca hats, gummi bears & fairy dust.

The responsibility of adorable falls solely to you, honey badger.

The round of the Zans ends with a slowly moving Tarzan beating Troyzan.  Just like that, it's over for Troyzan.  Who would have thought he would lose to Tarzan?  The girls don't try to hide their elation that Troyzan has lost Immunity, & it seems harsh.  Again, you need votes to win this game.  Troyzan refuses to watch the rest of the competition.

Kat is up to the adorable challenge, as she does a little Katwalk across the screen that is just too cute.  The final round is Kim vs Chelsea, & Kim wins her 2nd Challenge of the day.

Back at camp, Kat is annoyed that Kim is making decisions & telling her what to do.  "No one thinks that I'm the one running the show...it's frustrating for me."  Kat hinted on twitter that she is the one who put together this alliance on Day 1, so if that's true, maybe she has been up to more than the editing has shown.  Christina has also commented on the editing choices, & add that to what I have learned from my virtual BFF Kourtney, & what is the lesson?  DO NOT TRUST THE EDIT.

Ted "Theodore" Logan is actually a seasoned actor. A real ham, you might say. (sorry)

For some reason, Sabrina tells Christina the girls will split the votes between her & Troyzan, but don't worry because Troyzan's going home....as long as he doesn't have an Immunity Idol...which we kind of think he does....  Christina seems to have no problem with this.

Alicia doesn't know why Christina isn't freaking out, & just when you think Alicia can't possibly be any more offensive, she says: "Christina's IQ is probably a 0...I mean, I'm a Special Ed teacher, so I handle Christina as one of my students."

What about Tarzan?  Why not split the votes between the Zans, if you want all females at the end?  Yes, Tarzan would be perfect to take to the Final 3, but as the jury will be mostly male, they'd probably still vote for him over any of the girls.  Most frustrating season of Survivor ever.

Troyzan & Christina are talking about possibly voting for Chelsea.  Troyzan just wishes he knew who the vote would be split with, so he could increase the chances of saving himself.  Christina then tells him that her name will be written down.  NOOOOO!  Christina, what are you doing?  Now Troyzan is super happy & is just hoping Kat will make her move.

At Tribal Council, Probst says, "You started as Men vs Women, it certainly appeared today to still be Men vs Women...is that where we're at Troyzan?  Are you in trouble because you do not have a necklace?"  I swear I thought Probst was going to say a vagina.  Or at least boobies.

Time to vote, no Immunity Idol is played, & Troyzan is voted out.  Kat decided to stick with the girls, & now Christina has go back to Keanu & explain why she voted for Chelsea.  Troyzan doesn't leave without a final push for Kat to take control of the game.  "Do it."  Honey Badger takes what it wants.

Thus ends the Survivor game of this year's biggest superfan.  Troyzan looks back & commits their names & faces to memory.  He will repeat their names over & over every night just like Arya Stark, until every last one of them is taken care of.

Good news, everyone!  I FOUND LEIF!  Looks like he was safe & sound at Ponderosa the entire time!  His first few days there were filled with food, beer, & laughter.  We actually learn more about Jonas than we do about Leif - Jonas also plays guitar, on top of making sushi & both chips & guacamole from scratch for everyone.  Enjoy!

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