Survivor South Pacific: 23.13 Hugs & Pleasure Domes

First things first, make sure you click here to see Jeff Probst sign a buff to send to me because he liked my LEGO version of him & the Final 7!  I had made them for my all-LEGO recap a few episodes back.  I think it was LEGO Brandon crying that got me the buff, so thank you, Brandon.

You get a buff!

Secondly, you can now place your votes for the Player of the Season/Fan Favourite at http://www.cbs.com/shows/survivor/player_of_the_week/.
I won't try to influence you on who should get your vote(s), but I ask you to consider this (& please imagine triumphant horns in the background):  Who is a player who actually played the game?  Who made a bold move because he wouldn't leave his Survivor fate up to chance?  Who stood up against his oppressors?  Who endured Tai-Chi on the Beach with another great player this season who will most likely win $1,000,000 so doesn't need your vote for a mere $100,000?  The answer is as clear as his translucent skin, so I will leave it at that.

Now to the actual episode....holy prayer circle, there was so much going on in this episode it's hard to know where to start.  It begins with the five.  The five that have been together since Day one.  Now, fight to the death!

There is a prayer circle right off the bat, as Brandon says, "The most important thing for us to do is give thanks to the person who did this for us."  God is a person?  And also, there is nothing wrong with believing in yourself & having pride in yourself for getting this far.  Just saying.

Albert wants Sophie out.  "The more & more I look at it, Sophie's getting increasingly dangerous.  She's a very well-spoken girl, very intelligent...she's started to build a little bit of a resume - she's got 2 immunity wins under her belt, & I, frankly, don't know if I want to sit next to her at the end."  Albert tells Rick they're still looking good to go to the end together, but all Rick wants to do is blow bubbles underwater for the next 6 days or something.

2 outta 3 ain't bad.

Off to Redemption Island Arena where Edna is facing off against Ozzy.  The challenge is a slide puzzle to release a hatchet which they must use to cut a rope, releasing a bag full of cubes that is part of another puzzle that is part Rubix Cube, part Sudoku.  There are lots of parts.  None of these challenges have seemed Ozzy-tailored, so that's something, I guess.  All of Te Tuna is helping Edna, no one is helping Ozzy, but it doesn't matter - Ozzy can focus his beady little otter eyes while his opposable thumbs & toes go to work.  Ozzy wins, & he is the only one happy about it.  So long, Edna.  May you always Outclean.  Check out this animated Edna doing what she loves most while Zooey Deschanel sings about cotton.  Awesome job, revengeofnajoge!



Back at camp, Albert says one of the smartest things I've heard all season.  "When we first got together, the 5 of us, way back on the Upolu beach, we talked about honour & integrity all the way.  The interesting thing about the honour & integrity card is, in the game of Survivor, I do not care a single thing about honour & integrity.  I really don't."  Smart, & it breaks Coach's record of how many times he can say "honour & integrity" in 1 minute.

Son of a samurai!



Brandon does not see it that way.  He tells Albert, "You realize that now that we have 5 people here & someone's going home tomorrow, that it's impossible for us to not make the final 3?"  Uh oh...Brandon's trying to talk strategy.  What's next - Probst wearing a green shirt?  Also, impossible?  God doesn't do impossible, Brandon.  There could always be a Survivor miracle...

Sophie is sharing her thoughts on Ozzy with Coach.  "Ozzy is the most dangerous player...every single player that goes through Redemption, he gets the last say with every single jury member.  Ozzy gets to feed them, he comforts them after they've been voted out.  Every single jury member has gone through, like, Ozzy's Pleasure Dome on the way out.  The way I see it, we have to send Brandon to Redemption - we have to put the 2 most dangerous players in the game together & get 1 of them out."

Coach agrees, so he's not very receptive when Albert takes his case against Sophie to him.  Albert is pushing the idea that they'd be better off with Brandon next to them at the end than Sophie.  Hold up - I thought the only reason Brandon was still around was because they all wanted to take Loco with them to the end?  Why is he still around throughout all of his outbursts & instability if this wasn't the plan all along?  Sophie incredulously thinks Brandon would be a threat in the final 3 because "superficially, at least, he's the most loyal, the most trustworthy, the most godly man out here, & that's not somebody I would want to go to the final 3 with."

Brandon's the most godly? I'm friggin Ozzy Christ Superstar!

Brandon walks over while Coach is telling Albert that Brandon is next because he's a huge threat & I am wondering how I missed this side of Brandon that Sophie & Coach are terrified of.  Brandon wants to know what they're talking about & Coach is either super-paranoid now, or trying to prove to Albert how threatening Brandon is, because he freaks on Brandon, even calling him a bully & suggesting he's acting like (gasp!) Russell!

Brandon holds back the tears & says "That definitely hurt my feelings, what you just said, bro."  Aw, he called Coach "Dad" in Brandonese!  Coach is immediately sorry.  "I apologize about saying the Russell thing, but he really did a number on me & so when I see you doing the same thing that he did, it kind of freaks me out."  Brandon then earnestly says "Please give me a hug, man."  How is Albert not laughing?  Dude is playing to win.  Coach slowly extracts himself from his comfy hammock & they hug it out.  "I love you, bro."

After this touching over-reaction/make-up non-event, Coach gets a one-on-one & says "The apple never falls far from the tree, & meeting his father was double confirmation of what I need to do for my next move."  Enter Brandon to offer Coach some coconut to the sweet sounds of the creepy strings from LOST.  I'm looking for Ben Linus to enter the frame.  "Cheer up, man, God's got everything under control."  The way he looks up at Coach is seriously creepy enough to not need the LOST strings.  He has serious Daddy issues.

No thanks, bro, I'm good.  No roofied coconut for me today.

At the Immunity challenge, Probst is in a green shirt & yells, "Come on in, guys!" & I think of Cochran & I miss him, & WTF, is Jeff wearing a green shirt?  Brandon talking strategy has actually changed the world as we know it!

Probst takes the Immunity Necklace back from Coach, who is now sporting Legolas braids behind both ears.  Coach opts for the Whitney way of giving up the necklace, which is to delicately pivot & stand there while Probst does all the work.  This is made all the more awkward by Coach leaning backwards so Probst can reach more easily.

The main set piece for the challenge is a huge wall they must climb using a rope, grabbing 5 bags which contain puzzle pieces.  They must match up the pieces, & the 3 pieces that have no match will give them a combination that will release a flag, which is back at the top of the wall.  Winner gets immunity & pizza. 

Rick & Brandon are the first ones moving on to the puzzle, but Rick falls behind.  Soon Brandon is up the wall with his combination, with Coach right behind him, but he's too late.  Brandon wins, & of course, immediately shouts his thanks.  "THANK YOU JESUS!" Thank you Father!"  He points to the heavens & a church bell rings.  On his way to receive his necklace, he points to the sky once more, & a church bell rings.

Brandon gets to choose 1 person to share his pizza, & obviously he picks Coach, but instead, he chooses Rick?!?  Rick responds by whipping off his hat & whistling for the cows to come on home, & we hear a snippet of a western-themed score.  Have I mentioned how much I love the editors & foley guys on Survivor? They rock.

Back at camp, Coach is pissed, but he's at peace with it.  Um, ok.  The pizza is delivered via jet ski & I am reminded of the amazing Jeff-brings-the-votes-to-the-finale-in-LA-by-every-mode-of-transportation-possible bits Survivor used to do.  I wish they'd do that again.  I also remember that Rosie O'Donnell used to host the live show, as did Bryant Gumbel.  I will participate in a prayer circle to praise whomever decided to let Jeff take over.

Sophie just wants to smell the pizza, even though she isn't allowed to have any, & Albert is suspicious.  For good reason, too, as Sophie tells Brandon & Rick that she's voting for Albert.  Rick relates how just the other day Albert told him they would go to the end, & how he lied to Albert's face, "Yeah, ok".  Brandon's ears perk up - he doesn't like that Albert promised the end to Rick, but he's ok with Rick being a liar?

"The Bible says that when you sin, your sins are gonna be shouted out from the rooftops."  Unable to find a rooftop, he just does his shouting from the same place he always does.  Everyone attacks Albert because they have uncovered that he lied to a competitor in a game for a million dollars.  Wait, is that right?  Everyone's so upset because Albert is playing the game?  Wow.

Don't hate me because I'm handsome!

Everyone is hating on Albert, & there is literally no way for him to be safe at tribal.  Not a way that makes any kind of sense or is rooted in logic, that is.  Albert lies to Rick's face, screaming with his eyes "DUDE!  I'm trying to play this game & you're telling Brandon all my shit?!?  Not cool!"  He's screaming this with his eyes because he can't get a word in.  Sophie, with what must be a terminal case of sideboob, as her entire side is blurred out, gets in there, swearing at Albert to let her finish her sentence.  That's actually funny, because Albert's been sounding like Bella when Edward wants her to move to Jacksonville to be safe from him & his hair & his intense idea of love.

"You can't...I don't...Wait...If you...No, I...Just...But you..."

After the storm blows over, Albert says, "If I could just draw Brandon back over with me, man, I'm right back where I need to be."  Albert, you are crazy.  Everyone hates you so much now, there is literally no way Brandon could make any difference.  Again, at least not in a way that makes any kind of sense or is rooted in logic.  Albert tries to get back in Brandon's good graces by trying to explain why he would promise Rick the end when he didn't really mean it.  "I'm trying to win." is what it comes down to, but Brandon doesn't really hear him, as he is busy whittling his very own cross to bear while the heavens shine down on him.  Seriously.

And so the light shone down on the most loyal of men...

Albert tries speaking to Brandon in his own language.  "I feel like your heart is closed to me right now, man."  Suddenly Brandon is not so sure he should vote Albert out.  That's all it took?  Albert continues pleading his case & Sophie & Rick are watching from home, cursing themselves for not sequestering Brandon directly following the Albert attack.  Albert turns on the charm, telling Brandon all those other guys meant nothing to him, & they don't have the special bond we share, baby.  "You're making me look bad, & I'm not a bad dude."  I'm going to go ahead & guess that no one could make this man look bad.  But I digress.

To continue my literal streak, Brandon has been enlightened by the heavens & says, "I'm not voting you.  I just made up my mind."  Wow, that was easy!  To celebrate, they pray, but I'm fairly certain Albert is thanking God for Brandon's gullibility.  Brandon then says he'll give Albert his Immunity necklace.

That's right - this episode gets TWO Stacey Blams!  BLAM!

After all, Brandon doesn't need immunity because Coach & Albert would never vote for him because they told him so.  Albert looks like he's struggling to suppress a giant smile.  Don't smile yet, Albert...how many times have we heard that same promise, & how many times has it actually been followed through?  Only Erik from Fans Vs Favourites springs to mind, & you can skip ahead to the 7:00 mark to see how that worked out for him:

Brandon sits Coach down to let him know what's happening in that Loco head of his.  "You know by now that God speaks to me."  Coach nods his head as if this is a normal & sane conversation to have.  While cameras are rolling.  Brandon tells Coach his plan, ending with, "I know you'll never vote against me.  And I know you'd never do anything or vote any way that you knew that I was going home.  This example would probably be the pinnacle of why we're out here - forgiving.  If we can't forgive our brother, our Heavenly Father will not forgive us."  Oh, right.  Brandon's there to be an example for Christ, who I'm positive is looking to Brandon for guidance.

Brandon continues, saying "I honestly believe this is what God wants us to do..."  Coach is quick to speak up & clarify this: "No, no...remember, this is what God wants you to do.  What I need to do right now is I need to pray, & I promise you this - I will do whatever God tells me to do."  Nicely done, Coach.  How can Brandon find fault with that?  He'll probably still give you the million dollars.

Coach bows down & prays in the sand.  "I begged God to speak to me like he's never spoken to me before.  I asked God to give me the Holy Spirit of divine interpretation & wisdom.  I prayed & there was a name in my head over & over & over again...my soul has never grieved like it does in this moment."  Well, are you sure you're supposed to vote that person out?  God has been paying close attention to this season of Survivor, so maybe you overheard Him casting his vote for the Player of the Season?

As tribal council begins, right after Probst comments on what a powerful position Brandon is in with that Immunity Necklace, Brandon declares he is giving it up.  The reaction shots of everyone are priceless.  Jeff's neck seemingly gives out & his head drops an entire foot.  Dawn's eyebrows shoot up to hide under her bangs.  Rick executes an eye-roll that would have Christine wiping proud tears away from her perfectly rolled eyes.  Coach goes into a why-have-you-abandoned-me pose, looking upwards & shakily clawing at his face.  Jim freezes in a jaw drop, following with the ingenue darting eye move perfected by Manic Pixie Dream Girls everywhere.

Brandon walks over to Albert & ceremoniously places it around his neck, & then of course, they hug.  Jim looks confused & disgusted that the necklace is going to Albert.  Dawn whispers, "What is going on?"  Cochran looks like he is loving the fact that this is happening right in front of his face.

Probst asks WTF & Brandon says, "I made a statement here every tribal council that I would stay true to the commitments that I make & that I would give my own place in the game up for them."  Coach explains that Brandon was going to vote for Albert, then prayed about it & changed his mind.  Whitney, a girl with both a cross tattoo & necklace, raises her eyebrows at this.  But adultery is still totes cool.

"I've had a lot of time to pray with Albert & I knew that if I didn't give him the immunity tonight then he was going to Redemption.  It's really hard to explain because my loyalty's...a little bit different."  He goes on to tell a heartbreaking story of being caught up in a bad crowd & his friends would say they had his back when they really didn't.  "I was really willing to give my life for these guys...it was people taking my loyalty for whatever they wanted to use it for, & then leaving me hanging."  Quite sad, & it is genuinely fantastic that he has left that life behind him, but I think he missed a life lesson there.  Maybe cool it with the unconditional devotion. 

About Coach & Albert, Brandon says, "I consider these 2 guys my best friends.  We have a very solid connection with each other because of Christ inside of them."  Whitney laughs.  "I was drawn to them, man.  It wasn't by coincidence."

What's Albert's take on all this?  In other words, how is he going to play this now that Brandon has given up his immunity for him?  "It blows my mind because when I got to this game, something told me that there was a bigger reason why I was here."  Sophie rolls her eyes, & somewhere, Christine is weeping with pride.  She taught the OompaLoompas well in her short time with them!

Now, here is why Jeff Probst is so awesome: he listens to Albert spew his spiritual awakening propaganda to Brandon & the jury, & then says, "So, is there a part of you, as a Christian man, who now wants to take the necklace off & do the same thing that Brandon just did for you?"

Oh yes, I did.  You've been triple blammed.  BLAM!

 Brandon looks up expectantly.  Don't leave me alone with the rival gang, bro.  Albert says he absolutely would...if he really thought Brandon was in danger, but he's not, so let's just drop that line of thinking, k, Jeff?

Rick speaks for more than 3 seconds at tribal & ends up outing Coach's hidden Immunity Idol that he's been hiding from nobody except the jury.  Oh, Rick.  We can always count on you to bring the LOLZ.  Brandon admits he's feeling less secure, but doesn't ask for the necklace back.  "It's up to him" he says, but whether he means him or Him, I have no idea.  Albert is not stupid, & says, "I hope Brandon feels comfortable with me, him & Coach, knowing that he can make a move like this & go untouched."  That's a no.

Everyone votes, & Brandon & Albert vote for Sophie.  Sophie is behind the obligatory misspelled vote, Branden, & Rick votes Brandon.  Coach is the tie-breaker, & he votes...Brandon.  Hey, God told him to!  Not his fault!  Brandon stands up to leave, & for the first time, I dislike Coach as he says "It's God's will.  Go win Redemption."  If that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it must leave one in yours.

Albert's necklace unclasps itself out of disgust & falls into his lap, much like the angel Lucifer fell from Heaven.  How dare you try to win this game, Albert?  I bet that was your plan from the very beginning.  Disgraceful.

This Sunday night is the 2 hour finale, followed by the live reunion show.  How will Brandon fare in Ozzy's Pleasure Dome?  Sounds sinful!  Will the tribe-mate Memorial once again go on forever?  What will the jury say?  Will Probst have a Survivor paraphernalia gift basket waiting for Cochran to go along with his $100,000 when he rightfully wins Player of the Season/Fan Favourite?  And will Coach actually pull off this win that seems inevitable? 

Let's all pray on it.

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Survivor Buff For Me!!

Last night I was on a mission.  A mission to win a signed Survivor buff from Jeff Probst.  I have mentioned in previous recaps that Jeff is very active on Survivor nights, tweeting & touting with viewers, answering questions, & showing off those magnificent dimples.  He randomly swags a select few with signed buffs for their queries, comments & photos.  Last week I was ready to send him the LEGO characters I had made for my previous all-LEGO recap, when Jeff announced he would be absent from twitter that night.  My heart was broken, as I'm sure Cochran's was, as the last episode was a big one for him.  Turns out Jeff just got married, so I'm glad he wasn't tweeting on his Honeymoon...or am I? Congratulations, Jeff!

Anyway, last night Jeff promised to give out twice the amount of buffs, so I made it my mission.  I sat down with my iPad & iPhone, & I must have tweeted him this photo about 30 times over the course of the episode. 

Totally buff-worthy, right?

Sorry about that Jeff, & twitter followers who were on twitter between 8-9pm last night...I have since deleted the extra 29 tweets.  Jeff gets so many tweets that I couldn't possibly expect him to see just one tweet, & damn it, I was on a mission.  I wasn't checking tout during the episode, & I wish I had, because it turns out Jeff did indeed see that very first tweet, & mine was the first buff given away!

I can't quite figure out how to embed a tout video here, but make sure to CLICK HERE to watch Jeff Probst's reaction to my LEGO Jeff Probst & Final 7.  It made my night, & my son Kai loved that jeff Probst said his name.  I have to say that I was skeptical of the touting at first, but this video is WAY COOLER than just a quoted tweet.  I can't wait to get my buff in the mail & I promise to wear it & never take it off until it smells as bad as I think they can smell.

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Christmas is...Funshine Bear

What is it about Christmas that makes everyone nostalgic?  Is it time spent with family & friends rarely seen?  Is it the traditions we pass along to our children?  For me, it's mostly the stuff.  

That may sound shallow, but my memories are kept in those Christmas containers in the cold cellar.  It's the unpacking of decorations, ornaments, & photos that have been boxed up for a year that brings a lifetime of memories flooding back.

My favourite Christmas Tree ornament is a cheap, one-eyed imitation Care Bear made from bright yellow pom-pom balls.  It even has an over-sized heart on its bum.

It has had a prominent place on a Christmas Tree for the past 29 years.  I brought "Funshine Bear" to glorious life in 1983, at a Christmas Party when I was 5.  There he is on the table in front of me - freshly made, both eyes firmly glued on.  And there I am, just beginning to master the art of scattering people with naught but a glare.

1983 Bechtel Christmas Party, Reading, PA

I have never been in possession of a department-store-beautiful, colour-co-ordinated, professional-looking Christmas Tree.  Growing up, our tree was decorated with ornaments that were either homemade, gifts, or from a special occasion deemed important enough to mark with an ornament purchase.  Each year there would be a few more, & each ornament has its own story & memory that would get unwrapped every year.  And then we covered (I mean covered) them all in tinsel & garland.

Here is that first Christmas with the brand-spanking new, 2-eyed Funshine Bear.  I am adorable, so try to tear your eyes away from me & locate the bear.  The bright yellow hue is a great help.

1983, Reading, Pennsylvania

Three years later, my Mother was hanging more tinsel on the tree when the ghost of a child who perished in that very room in 1847 appeared in the developed photograph.  Funshine Bear (& my Mom) lived through this spooky occurrence.

1986, Newark, Delaware

In 1992, Funshine Bear (over my Mom's left shoulder) saw my parents off to another Bechtel Christmas Party, where another child probably made a pom-pom Power Ranger that is still on his tree this year.

1992, Ajax, Ontario

Funshine Bear is always easy to spot in all Christmas photos, thus adding to the amount of nostalgia he holds for me.  You can pick him out easily, which is why I'm pleased he has thus far avoided a life of crime.

1998, Ajax, Ontario

When we moved in together & it came time for my future husband & I to have a Christmas Tree of our very own, we participated in the tradition of stealing ornaments from our parents.  Funshine Bear was the first thing I begged for, but certainly not the last.  I have more than a few childhood memories hanging on our tree.

Here is my son, Kai, at 16 months, decorating the tree while Funshine Bear looks on, wondering why I let my child have a mullet.  Those curls don't grow back, Funshine!  They really don't.  *sob*

2005, Whitby, Ontario

Do I love my Funshine Bear?  Did my Mom rock the crushed velvet in 1992?  Totally.  To me, this bright yellow ornament means Christmas more than anything else.  It reminds me of every wonderful Christmas I had as a child, & that the time goes by so quickly.  I want to make Christmas for my own family as special as the ones I remember.  We put a lot of effort into Christmas, from handwritten notes from Santa (in fancy penmanship & sparkly pens), to Rudolph leaving a new jingle bell from his harness every year. It might mean that I'll have a 15 year old who still believes in Santa, but I can live with that.

2011 BFFs

Funshine Bear gets to hang out on our tree with a delightful assortment of ornaments this year.  A drum that my husband made as a child (it's even older than Funshine), a polar bear my son made when he was 2 at The Toronto Zoo, an ELF ornament (favourite Christmas movie), WALL*E (the first movie Kai saw in a theatre), Jack Skellington as Sandy Claws (Kai's favourite movie at 4), & a Hogwarts ornament from The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter because we're cool like that.

Memories, old & new.

Like my parents, & I'm sure my In-Laws as well, we didn't have many Christmas decorations when we first started our life together.  But over the years, accumulation happens.  Homemade, gifts, special occasions, & school projects lead to a full, if mis-matched, beautiful Christmas Tree of memories.

2011

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Survivor South Pacific: Ponderosa - Cochran

The Ponderosa episode I have been waiting for is online.  Cochran has joined his former tribe-mates  Jim, Keith, Dawn & Whitney at the Ponderosa camp, & the reception was just as chilly as you'd imagine.  I was as surprised as Cochran was with Dawn's reaction (& I already thought she was awful!), Keith & Whitney continue to be nauseating, & Jim has now taken ownership of that hideous green skirt.  Hey CBS, where's the footage explaining the skirt?

Poor Cochran has to deal with being ostracized again, even eating at the far end of the table away from the cool kids - he says he's happy about getting time to himself, but I feel sad...until he makes a friend with the cutest piglet since the Telus pig.

As always, if you're located in the US, you can watch at www.cbs.com.  For the rest of us, you can watch it here in 3 parts. 

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.12 Honour, Loyalty, Integrity

It will be hard for me to type through my tears, but I'll give it a shot.

Cochran arrives on Redemption Island & Ozzy Christ Superstar is kind & empathetic.  "Sorry buddy.  It happens to the best of us."  Underneath it, he is still his usual arrogant self.  "I've got a way you can not let them win.  All you gotta do is vote for me if I make it....if you had a choice between me & Coach..."  Cochran looks around as if he's examining the structural integrity of the RI shelter.  "It's kind of insulting that it's already a foregone conclusion in his mind that I'm going to lose at the duel."  Ozzy promises to vote for Cochran if he makes it to the end, but we all know that's an empty promise, since Ozzy thinks "he really doesn't stand a chance."  This is right after he told Cochran "Yeah, you have a chance."

It's morning on day 31, & Rick is drying/warming his socks over the fire.  Brandon calls Albert over because he'd "like to say a morning prayer before everybody starts to disperse."  Edna walks away, saying "I'm just gonna excuse myself since I'm not really part of this tribe."

 Poor Edna, left out of the Prayer Circle right when she actually needs it.  We haven't seen that much of her except for that one episode where she wouldn't shut up, but I really feel bad for her right now.  Brandon is a giant douche, masquerading as a saint to pardon all the hurt he's caused - first with Mikayla, now with Edna.  "He made it clear to me yesterday at tribal that I'm not part of this tribe."  She makes an excellent indictment against Coach: "He's the one that's preaching day in & day out that this is reality.  This is real life for these individuals & to treat me like a second class citizen...is that true life?"  She talks to Coach about feeling deceived.  Coach goes Dr. House & quietly says "Everybody gets deceived."

You can't let things like honour & integrity get in the way of deception.

Brandon starts yelling about tree mail from Sprint, but Edna will not be silenced until she's had her say.  "I feel like one guy - a 19 year old high school dropout, who's advertised that he's crazy, gets to dictate to me the direction of my own destiny here?"  Can I get a "bitch, please!"?

The Sprint phone that came with tree mail contains videos of family members, who no longer hide that they're actually on the island.  Everyone tears up & Survivor continues to milk these moments for all they're worth.  Brandon's Dad reminds him to "make the right decisions, not based in the game...make decisions based on your heart."  Yeah, he's going to have second thoughts about that.

Everyone arrives at Redemption Island Arena for what promos have built up to be the duel to end all duels - David vs Goliath.  The hobbits vs the Cave Troll.  Linguini vs the evil chef from Ratatouille. 

As Albert is to Aladdin, so is Cochran to Linguini.

The challenge involves using Coach's favourite all-purpose tool, the grappling hook, to pull 3 bags in.  Then, using a 2 handed pulley system, manipulate a ball around a maze to get to the centre, while avoiding holes throughout.  So, a puzzle challenge?  My prayer circles worked!  No one showed up for them (even though the time & place was well advertised in my last recap), so it ended up being just me & my cat (my husband backed out of the room slowly), but we worked it.

Oh hai God. Can I has pzzle 4 cochran plz? kthnx

Even though this was filmed months ago, I believe Yoda & I had something to do with there being a puzzle challenge, because prayer circles work!  And if God doesn't listen to kittens, who will he listen to?  Who?

Ozzy is doing well with the grappling hooks, & it takes Cochran a little time to figure it out.  There is actually a cartoon "boing" sound when he screws up a toss.  Probst is blatantly encouraging Cochran -  it's obvious that he likes him, but also, I'm sure that as a producer he was salivating over the great underdog story this would be if Ozzy was taken out of the game for really realz by Cochran.  Ozzy has his bags & is already on the ball maze, although going super slow.  Before long, Cochran has all 3 of his bags, & he does not opt for the slow & thoughtful approach to the maze.  He is sending his ball flying through the maze.

This maze has been brought to you by The Dharma Initiative

Ozzy's ball is almost at the centre, but drops through a hole, then it drops again soon after he's back on track.  It continues to be very intense, & a very close race.  There is accompanying music which sounds a lot like the Wildebeest stampede from The Lion King.  For a moment, it is Cochran who has won, but his ball pops out of the centre spot & falls down a hole while Ozzy's ball settles in for the win.  I am genuinely surprised, as I'd hoped all the promos & editing were leading up to an Ozzy defeat.  Some might think Ozzy is gracious after this, but to me, Ozzy continues to be arrogant, speaking to Cochran like a 3 year old that he's having second thoughts about beating in a game of Tic Tac Toe.  "You almost had me!"  He does everything but scruff up his hair & give him a lollipop.  Ugh.

Probst looks a little sad at the outcome.  "Cochran - you almost did it."  Cue emotional music.  "Even though I didn't win, I was going up against probably one of the most confident challenge dominators to ever play this game.  To come so close is dream fulfilment for me - wish fulfilment, because I love Survivor.  I mean, I hope it comes through: I love, I breathe Survivor, & to be here, to be facing you, to hear you say 'Come on in, guys!' before a challenge & think I'm one of the guys!  He's talking about me!  It's one surreal moment after another, & I'm talking to kind of prevent myself from getting teary-eyed & stuff, because this has been by far the most incredible moment of my life."

Probst asks where the tears are coming from & Cochran replies, "It's coming from a realization that I'm not the person I necessarily thought I was.  That I could be a better person who's more pleased with himself & the decisions that he makes, the things he pursues..."
Probst normally does not give a eulogy at this moment, but he does for Cochran.  "Because you risked - because you weren't the most likely guy to be on this show, & you found your way out here & you were ridiculed, & people picked on you, & you didn't back down - in fact, you made one of the biggest moves still in this game - you better be a new guy, because I think a part of you died out here & a new part was reborn."  Yes, it's cheesy, but I got a little choked up when Cochran threw his buff in the fire.  It's the first time I've found the really realz departure emotional.  Goodbye, Cochran.

With Cochran gone, attention returns to the remaining 6.  Probst calls out their family members one by one - Sophie's Dad, Edna's sister, Rick's wife (she gets a little squeeze on her ass), Albert's Mom, Coach's brother (he makes me realize how weird it would be to see Coach dressed in normal guy clothes - seriously, picture Coach in a golf shirt!), & Brandon's Dad, who gets the most dramatic treatment of all.  Epic, soaring flutes, like they've just found each other during a war in the Highlands of Scotland, & a close shot of a hand, clutching desperately at fabric, because are you really here, Dad?  Is it really you?

Ozzy gets the burden of choosing only 3 of the 6 to spend time with their loved ones, meaning 3 people will love him, & 3 will hate him.  He chooses Albert, who looks to the heavens in gratitude, even though Ozzy Christ Superstar is right in front of him, so that's odd.  He chooses Coach, who thanks Ozzy with a Namaste, & he also chooses Brandon.  I know this is all strategy, but I think I would have to choose the person whose spouse is there.  Yes, parents & siblings are awesome & would be great to spend time with, but you probably don't see them every day when you're back home.  With a spouse, you would be reunited with someone you share a life with, every single day.  You'd feel the loss of that presence in your life long before you think about how much you miss your brother.  (Sorry, brother.)  All I'm saying is that if someone let a 19 year old crazy guy spend time with his Dad at the expense of me & my husband, I would be pissed.

Rick, Sophie & Edna head back to camp, without their loved ones, no doubt hoping there's tree mail containing a do-it-yourself Ozzy voodoo doll kit.

Everyone else spends their time on Redemption Island, where Ozzy is the only one without a family member, & also, he has to fish for 6 extra people, & also, what is with that sharp stabbing pain in his stomach?  There's obvious product placement for the Sprint phone, but it makes sense so it's not terribly intrusive.

Coach has a proposition for Ozzy: a final 3 with the 2 of them & someone else, but whatever, he hasn't thought that far ahead.  He gives Ozzy his word AS A CHRISTIAN MAN.  Woah.  "When I say 'As a Christian man', I promise you that this is what I'm going to do.  That's an irrevocable promise.  I want to take Ozzy to the end.  2 noble warriors fighting it out to see who the sole Survivor is."  Um, you don't want to do that, Coach.  Ozzy has 4 guaranteed votes on the jury, & you would have maybe 3, provided the rest of OompaLoompa that ends up on the jury would still vote for you, & we already know there's no guarantee of votes from Cochran.  Not a good plan.

Brandon is talking strategy with his Dad, but all I hear is "I'm Jeff Probst, & I would love to wear this red shirt."

"Bro, are you kidding me?"  "You heard me, Bro."

Brandon is so deluded that he's doing good things & making the right decisions - it's really hard to watch.  "It's gonna be such an example to people, it's gonna change people's lives.  Spit on the million dollars, spit on the sole survivor."  Dad is surprised.  "What are you here for then?"  "I'm here to set an example for Christ, bro."  Jesus is all like "Stop bringing me into this, bro!"  Brandon states, "I'm gonna play this game from here on out with honour, with integrity, & like Christ would play it."

But nobody offered me a million dollars to not get crucified, bro!

Brandon is waiting for approval from his bro...er...Dad...& the expectant look in his eyes is actually a little heartbreaking.  He truly thinks he's behaving in a saint-like manor, & he needs this validation, for his Dad to be proud of him.  But Dad is confused, & maybe thinks Brandon is joking?  OK, play your game with honour, but if there's a move that would put you in the final 3, you'd make that move, right?  No?  Are you kidding me?  You're kidding me.  That's hilarious, bro.  You're not kidding me?  "You came here to win the million dollars."  Brandon tells his Dad "that's changed."  At this point, Brandon's Dad must realize his advice about making decisions based on his heart & not on the game wasn't needed.

Brandon's Dad tries another strategy that just might get through to Brandon: preaching.  "God also wants us to be wise.  Be wise, make a good decision.  Put your family in a good position, or you can just go preach on a street corner."  Brandon is all smiles & no doubt.  "Just trust that God is...dude, our lives have been planned out since we were born, bro."  Well, that explains a lot.

Brandon's Dad tries reason: "You've got to put yourself in the final 3, & at that point, that's when it's up to God."  And by God, I'm sure he means the jury.  This guy has watched Survivor before, right?

Brandon's Dad tries convincing Coach to take Brandon into the final 3.  Coach is not having any of it.  "They're all cut of the same cloth.  Brandon's Dad comes out here & basically tries to bully me into making sure his son goes all the way to the end & wins a million dollars."

The Immunity Challenge has nothing to do with balance for once.  There are panels set up, & you can only move to an adjacent panel, & can only step on a panel one time.  When you're out of moves, you're out, & last person standing wins immunity.  It looks like they're playing pineapple-shaped Q*Bert.

At one point, Coach makes a dragon slayer movement & Probst comments on it.  Coach is surprised, as it seems he was unaware of his own movement.  Probst confirms with a demonstration.  "It looked a little....dragon slayer."  Coach is delighted that the transformation is actually happening.  Prayer circles work!

Brandon is out of the challenge, & is explaining to Albert what his strategy was when Probst asks about it.  "I just wanted to cover enough surface area to where a particular person didn't win immunity.  Edna says "You can just use my name from now on."  She's pissed, & upset that she "was unlucky enough to not be on the beach that first day."  Coach wins individual immunity.

Back at camp, Brandon gets back on the road with his Apology Tour & apologizes to Edna.  She should respect & understand his need to be honest, even if it's brutal sometimes, right?  Nope.  "Brandon did verbalize an apology but it's insincere."  Brandon's lame apology doesn't go unnoticed by the others, & Sophie says, "Brandon, I think, often thinks an apology absolves all sins, & maybe that's true in church, but on Survivor, people are not as forgiving as Jesus Christ is."  Or even Ozzy Christ, for that matter.

You can still come to my surfer zen paradise, man.  I forgive you.

Edna breaks it down to Coach, Albert & Soph-a-Loph: "We've been preaching that our tribe is about honour, integrity, & playing this like it's real life, & I feel as though the actions of Brandon in the last 32 days aren't really consistent with that...I cannot accept the fact that our tribe is saying honour, integrity, honour, integrity, & then you allow such behaviour to happen in our camp."

There's a double rainbow, & I'm pretty sure I know what it means - they're all dead, on an island, in purgatory.  We'll see if I'm right if Ozzy has to battle a smoke monster sometime soon.

Edna asks Coach to give it to her straight, & he does anything but.  He speaks in such a roundabout manner that I can't even recap it without shifting the space-time continuum.  (Hence the upcoming frozen donkey wheel challenge.  You'll see.)  Basically, Coach will not give Edna the immunity idol he's been holding on to, because if he plays it, no one will trust him anymore, & he'll be the next to go.  His plan is to not play it at all.  I am so impressed with Coach's game this season.  At this point you know Edna is going home - he can't go back on his initial 5 alliance one tribal council away from achieving what he promised on Day 1 of this game.  That's remarkable, & because of that, Edna has no hope.

At tribal, not much is said, aside from Coach revealing the tribe's mantra is "Honour, Loyalty & Integrity."  Cochran acts like he's hearing this for the first time, but to viewers at home, it's kind of all we've heard from Coach.

Brandon is eerily calm, begins the encore of the Apology Tour, apologizing to Edna again.  Edna is voted out, & Coach again goes for the hug, as if someone you just voted out wants to hug you....but she does.

Probst sums it up nicely, "From the beginning you've said it would be the 5 of you.  Now what?"  Silly Jeff, God has had everything planned for them since they were born.  Didn't you know?


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Survivor South Pacific: Ponderosa: Dawn & Whitney

The Ponderosa webisodes are up, detailing Dawn & Whitney's arrival at Camp Upgrade after their double elimination.  I'm sure you don't really care how much weight they've lost, or what food item they go for first - you want to see what happens when Whitney & Keith are together.  Well, they are together.  Obnoxiously so.

Whitney takes the time to explain how theirs is a love that could not be restrained, & that she has a boyfriend at home, so she had to be careful when there were cameras around.  She explains this to a camera.  There is straddling, kissing, hand holding, frolicking in the waters...I'm just surprised they weren't rolling around in the sand.

Also, Dawn is emotional, Jim is now wearing the hideous green skirt, & you can see Keith's awful man capris up close!



Again, if you are in the US, you can watch on cbs.com.
For everyone else, here it is, in 3 parts:

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.11 LEGO & The Family

Survivors, ready?

I've decided that this week's recap will feature LEGO minifigure versions of the remaining 7 contestants.  Coach had so much fun with the Greek god comparisons, I want in on the game, too!

After voting out the remaining Steve Vai members, The Family that is the former OompaLoompas + Cochran return to camp.  Cochran is concerned, as tribal council made it clear that he's the next to go, & he knows he has to try to shake things up if he wants to avoid the poisoned Kool-Aid.  So what does he do?  He tells another childhood anecdote about 5th grade prank calls where he would tell girls "I want to trade sperm with you."  At this point, Cochran is to embarrassing stories as Coach is to incorrect quotes.

Sophie admits she felt bad for Cochran at first, because it seemed like he was getting bullied, but now she can see why people were annoyed with him.  "I don't like him."  Cut to Sophie going medieval on a coconut with a machete.  No more stories, Cochran.

Cochran says out loud what we've all been noticing from home: "There has kind of always been this cult-like quality to the Upolu family."  Cochran is reminded of the Manson family.  Cut to a prayer circle!

Father, guide us. Where can we find Kool-Aid in the South Pacific?

"Brandon in particular seems almost obsessively devout, to the point where it seems like he's trying to oppress something a lot more scary.  I don't want to be Sharon Tate in this scenario."  Wow, this could be more fun than coming up with everyone's Greek God alter ego...if we're doing this, Edna is without a doubt Squeaky Fromme. 

Cochran sits everyone down & pleads his case.  He made a big sacrifice in order to put their tribe in a better position, & he just wants to be saved for 1 tribal council.  Just 1!

Oops - supposed to be the LEGO version, sorry!

It's my birthday in 3 days, you guys!

Sophie doesn't care, & tells the camera as much.  "I don't feel indebted to you! Screw you! He made an awful move - he should have stuck with his tribe."  Albert & Coach want to save Cochran & vote Edna out instead, but Sophie feels just as indebted to Edna as she does to Cochran.  I mean, she's been doing the laundry, after all, & what has Cochran done, other than ensure your entire tribe surviving the merge?

At Redemption Island Arena, the challenge involves balancing dishes on a wobbly pole.  It seems like there are a lot of balancing challenges this season, & hardly any puzzles, something Cochran could excel at.   Dawn is out first, & she starts crying because her adventure has....nope, can't have your moment yet, Dawn.  Just have a seat & try to forget that you are out of the game for really reallz, & act like you care about the rest of this challenge.  3 person duels suck.

Whitney's dishes fall, & now Dawn's tears can flow freely.  The lesson Dawn learned is that anything is possible.  She will leave here, & support her children - all 6 of them - whenever they have a pipe dream.  I'm sure that will turn out well.  Probst delivers his for really-reallz line, "Dawn, your adventure has sadly, for you, come to an end."  Dawn lifts her head high & declares tearfully, "But I got to take it."  She could have just stayed home & watched UP, if this is the lesson she needed.  The background music soars to The-Balrog-has-just-taken-Gandalf-down-with-him dramatic heights as Dawn exits.

Whitney's departure is less theatrical, but there's one golden moment.  "My family's gonna be proud, & my friends'll be proud, & so I'm gonna be proud."  That leaves only person not proud of Whitney: her secret, jilted husband.  "Whitney, this part of your life's adventure has come to an end."  Now go home & get on with the adventure of divorce!  Don't feel too bad for Whitney - she's off to Ponderosa where Keith's eyebrows are waiting to waggle at her.

Throughout this challenge, Ozzy was calm & collected.  "I have to rely on myself winning, but that is what I do best, & that's the way I want to win this game."  Back on Redemption Island, Ozzy is in his own personal paradise.  He's hanging out in the treetops & swimming around the reefs, amongst the ocean life.  "This is my home...there's no one better suited to be out here than me."  No arguments here.

Back at The Family Compound, Edna is doing laundry while Albert is looking handsome in the hammock.  Cochran helps Brandon fish, & ends up holding a fish with teeth, which makes Cochran proud.  "Whatever it takes to feed our tribe, I'm willing to put my life & limb in danger...I didn't physically catch it, but I am physically holding it, & I'll be the one that they hoist upon their shoulders."

Albert decides he's going to help with the laundry, & ends up dumping the water on the fire, putting it out.  Edna is infuriated.  "Albert does pretty much nothing but lie around & eat fish & wait for other people to wait on him."  But he does all that in his underwear, so...

LEGO just would not do this man justice.

Edna complains about Albert to Rick, who either agrees, or thinks its gossip time.  "There's a reason they call him Prince Albert."  Mom, do not google that!  Perhaps Albert's already pretty-revealing underwear is revealing even more to his tribe mates!  Also, I don't know who "they" are, but I think they meant Prince Ali.

You can't deny it - the resemblance is striking.

Cochran finds himself on the beach doing "Coach Chi", & Coach tells us that the reason he coaches, & even why he plays Survivor, is to find that one student who wants to learn.

You're why I do this, Hercules - not the million dollars.

 The Immunity Challenge also comes with a reward: a spa day.  The first 3 to land 3 beanbags on their targets move on to coconut slingshots.  Albert, Rick & Sophie move on, & Sophie doesn't hit a single target.  Rick is in the lead, but Albert comes from behind to win.  And what does he do?  He points to the heavens.   Not Albert, too!  He's been love-bombed by The Family, & has been sugar-bombed by the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid that God provided for them.  Prayer circles work!

Probst tells Albert he can share this reward with someone, & Coach is the lucky guy.  Then he asks if he could pick one more person - denied!  Then he declares he will give up his reward so that the birthday boy, Cochran, can have it.  Coach Chi works!  When Albert announces this, it is hilarious to watch the reactions of everyone else.  Brandon claps wholeheartedly, Rick & Edna reluctantly nod & clap, & then there's Soph-a-Loph.  She stares blankly at nothing, & if you could convey "what the fuck?" in polite clapping, she just did.  It is fantastic.

Probst asks Cochran if he's looking forward to the massage.  "Yeah.  I mean, I've given my Mom massages over the years, but I've never actually received one."  Cochran, stop with the stories!  Stick to your quick wit & adorable charm - no more anecdotes, because they are going above & beyond self-deprecating.  Now you're bullying yourself!

Back at The Family Compound, a shower, massage tables & lovely ladies are awaiting Coach & Cochran.  Coach is enjoying the shower, & Cochran watches to make sure he doesn't use all the water.

Cochran tells us, "I'm thrilled to see that some stupid little white lie about when my birthday was, which actually took place 6 months ago, is helping me at least somewhat in this game, even if it's just to get a free massage."  Not even his birthday.  I love it.  Cochran enjoys the massage, saying, "Having a beautiful woman stroke the insides of my legs is a new experience for me."  This is followed by the least flattering angles for anyone - squished faces poking through the massage table.  Coach is having such a great time, he promotes Cochran from Student to Young Warrior.  It's all very awkward.

Albert is on board with voting out Rick, who he thinks is "as sharp as a bowling ball", instead of Cochran.  "Dude, you don't know how happy it would make me to see you go farther than Rick in this game.  It would make me ecstatic."  Edna makes Cochran wait an extraordinarily long moment in between "Dude" & "I'm on board", but Coach is silent when presented with this plan.  After all, it's not his plan.  Coach can't give up his power like that!  He worked so hard for it!

"My decision tonight & which way I go is going to determine the rest of this game.  There is a tide that is coming.  I either take it & go with a new alliance or stay with my first five.  As William Shakespeare says, 'There is a tide that comes in the lives of men that when taken leads to great fortune, but when omitted, all the rest of their lives are bound in shadows and misery.'  I want to make sure that I make the right decision.  I want to make sure that I take the right tide so that I can ride that tide all the way to the end of this game that I love so dearly."

I have to say, that one was pretty close.  First off, he got the author right.  And the quote itself is not far off from the actual line in Julius Caesar: "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.  Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows & in miseries."

At tribal council, the jury enters, & Keith must have his sister's suitcase by mistake because last week he wore a hideous green skirt to tribal:

My skirt totally makes my goatee pop, right?

& this week he's upgraded to skinny jean capris.  I mean, I think it's an upgrade?  Well, at least he shaved off that ridiculous facial hair.  Whitney comes in all smiles - must be honeymoon time at Ponderosa, which would make this her second secret honeymoon.  Zing! Nailed it.

Cochran doesn't want to sound greedy, but then demands to be paid for his flipping.  "I gave life to this tribe & to just be targeted for seventh, it's a little bit humiliating.  I feel a little bit duped."  Edna is emotional because she knows she's 6th & says she'll just keep trying to change that.

"Jeff?"  Oh no - Brandon has something to say!  "Everybody out here knows what's going to happen with these 2.  That's why tonight I'm voting out Cochran, & the next night, my vote is for Edna."  Albert is shaking his head & Vader is screaming "Noooooo!" in his head, but it's too late.  "Try not to be so grim about it, just get it out there because I believe there is black & white & I think if you're grey then you might as well be lying, to be honest with you."  Well, of course you're going to be honest with us.  That's your thing, to a fault.

Let's play again - if Survivor was The Walking Dead, Brandon would absolutely be Hershel.  Coach = Dale, Albert = Shane, Sophie = Andrea, Cochran = Carl, & no, Rick would not be Rick, even if he comes with both the name & the hat.  No.  Rick & Edna = zombie extras that shuffle along in the background, lasting way longer than they should.

Jeff points out that Brandon is a huge problem, because he's not malleable.  Coach says it's both a blessing & a curse.  "If you're with him, you know that he's not gonna turn on you, but you're also afraid that he's gonna spill the apple cart."  Now Brandon is crying & tells Jeff he's exhausted.  "I wanna do wrong things - I'm human.  But there's something stronger inside me that won't let me.  Anything worth having's not gonna be easy."  OMG, does Brandon have a light passenger?  He's the reverse Dexter!  Or he could just be a kid who was told he was bad too often, & now he's overcompensating with a crazy over-the-top idea of what it means to be "good".  Either way, he should probably see a professional.

Cochran must have decided right then was the perfect time for the best quote ever in Survivor history, because this is what he says to Probst: "Brandon has revealed that he's probably not the best person to be in a strategic partnership with.  Talking strategy with Brandon is like talking to you about shirts that aren't blue."  AMAZING.

Sophie remains cavalier about Brandon & any problems he might cause.  "The way our tribe is, I'm not concerned about anything happening in the game..."
Cochran: "If Edna wins immunity, what happens?"
Stacey: "Blam!"  Oops, Stacey's gone.  That was just in my head.  On a side note, I think there should be a pop-up Stacey in every episode, giving her comic book soundbites when called for.
Sophie shrugs & says, "Then it starts."  Whatever, I'll worry later.  Sophie's gone surfer zen!  Probst comments on how eye-opening tribal has been.  Sophie shakes her head no.  Island living has made her carefree.

Probst turns his attention to someone who has been paying attention to how well his shirts match his eyes.  Do you think that's easy to pull off?  "Cochran, how frustrating is it if the move you made was for naught?"  Um, very?  Cochran makes a comment about possibly being in a worse position than if he had stayed with Steve Vai.  After Jim left the game, he revealed that everyone wanted Cochran in their final 3, so yeah, 7 would be worse.  "I pride myself on being a Survivor expert.  Otherwise this will go down as one of the most idiotic moves in the history of the game."

"Well, it has been one of the most interesting & revealing tribal councils of the season."  No matter what you say, Sophie.  Brandon leaves to vote first & I wonder why the rest of them don't just say, "So, we're voting Brandon now, right?"

When Rick votes for Cochran, he says "Cochran, thanks for making the big move when you made it.  Happy Birthday."  Damn, that's one cold cowboy.

Coach walks by the jury & Dawn looks at him in complete disgust - what is that about?

My beloved Cochran is voted out by everyone except Edna, & I am sad, but then my husband notices that Whitney & Keith are actually holding hands in the jury, so that took the sting out a little.  Cochran is not as sad as I am.  "Jeff Probst just snuffed my torch!  This is unreal!  Dream come true!"  Turns out Elyse was right about him enjoying that experience.  Then Cochran, turning to say goodbye, almost falls down the stairs.  Adorable, but seriously - take care of yourself.

Next week we'll have Ozzy vs Cochran in the Redemption Island Duel.  It's no secret who I'll be rooting for.  I will holding prayer circles in my house every night at 9:30pm to pray for a puzzle challenge, if anyone would like to join me.

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