Survivor: Philippines - The Four-Finger Handshake & The Munchkin of Muscle - 25.3

Blue returns to camp after voting Roxy out, & Angie is upset.  Roxy fighting for her life at Tribal was like, SO unnecessary.  Russell thinks Roxy was right about Malcolm & Angie being a dangerous pair, & he says if Denise decides to go with the young ones, he's dead.  Well, yeah...we were all kind of wondering why you voted for Roxy.  This still doesn't clear that up.

Over at Yellow, RC & Abi-Maria are having a conversation.  Well, RC (the girl the Survivor cameramen film as if the Baker Street saxophone solo is always playing) is trying to have a conversation.

Abi-Maria, on the other hand, just likes to listen to her gut, & nobody else.  RC pleads with Abi-Maria to be reasonable & stop picking a fight - her tone is that of someone trying to prevent the other party from embarrassment & ridicule.  Abi-Maria's response to that is Like, whatever, if you want to continue, continue...but it's pointless, & I'm just going to listen to my gut because it's more straight-forward than you & stop wasting my time.  A bewildered RC gives up, & she must have been thinking WTF is up with this girl?  I'm trying to support her & strategize with her, & you know, be in our mutually agreed-upon alliance.  Unfortunately, Abi-Maria is busy telling Pete everything.  Pete.

Abi-Maria tells Pete about the Immunity Idol clue, which she claims to have had a part in finding.  She says she wants to find the idol before RC does, because who can trust a girl with her own sexy theme song?  Pete just nods.  Later, he reveals his silent strategy: "I'm looking like I'm not paying attention, but I'm paying attention to everything that's going on around me.  I'm like, on surveillance."

Pete: Awesome at looking like he's not paying attention.

Pete decides that with this new information, he's going to make a new separate alliance with Lisa.  "I can make stuff happen where you don't go home."  Pete now wants to blindside Mike.  DOES THE SEXY ALLIANCE MEAN NOTHING TO THESE PEOPLE?

At Red, Dana sits down on the rice container & realizes it's comfier than it used to be.  Everyone notices that the raised pattern thing is missing & Penner plays along.  Of course Penner plays along - may I remind you that Penner portrayed the successful-at-potty-training Detective Fellows on an episode of Arrested Development?

Jeff takes Dawson & Carter aside & is frustrated with himself, as he realizes the missing piece was most likely the idol, & it was sitting right in front of him & he had no clue.  Sucker.

At Blue, their raft has left of its own accord, & Denise & Malcolm maintain their under-wraps alliance.  They are pleased-as-punch that the attention is on whether or not Malgie is a threat, while nobody is looking at the 2 of them as a pair.  They know the next vote will be either Russell or Angie, & they're just sitting in the middle.  "Malcolm in the Middle" says Denise, & they do their adorable shoulder dance & finger wiggle & the Smart Alliance is still so very very cute together & I love them & that's as good a reason as any for this song:

For the Immunity/Reward Challenge, Survivors will dive down one at a time to release 8 puzzle wheels attached to a line.  When all pieces are back, they can start solving the puzzle, & the first tribe to finish wins Immunity & a massive fishing kit.  The second tribe to finish wins Immunity & a small fishing kit.  Probst has nothing for the losing tribe.

Abi-Maria announces she'll sit out for Yellow because "I twisted my knee twice, so..."  Why would you announce that?  Lisa also sits out for Yellow, & Katie & Dawson sit out for Red.  Somehow, they all manage to do so without announcing some kind of weakness they bring to their tribe.  Take note, Abi-Maria!

There is a mask for every tribe if they would like to use them, & they seem to be working fine for everybody, so of course they shatter in Mike's face.

Yellow & Red are doing an amazing job.  Not only are they all fast & strong, they seem to be working together.  Over at Blue, Angie struggles with the first puzzle piece, which is only 2 feet deep.  (In her defense, it must be hard to get below the surface at all with those suckers.)  Russell has trouble climbing the short ladder to get back on the platform, & on his second turn, comes back without the puzzle piece at all, & still can't get up the ladder. 

Denise & Malcolm are killing it.  Probst calls Denise "a machine", & Malcolm's hair is down again, so that's awesome.  Blue is way behind, but the Smart Alliance carries them to the puzzle-phase, where it looks like they come just short of second place.  Red wins first, Yellow second, & Blue is going to Tribal for the third time in a row.

Red is happy to see their canoe & fishing kit, because as Dana says, they're a "hungry tribe".  Penner knows Jeff doesn't trust him, so he reveals to Jeff that he does, in fact, have the idol.  They seem to be standing near the loudest surf ever, because they need subtitles as we can barely hear them.  Jeff says "Well, thanks for telling me, Jonathan.  Hopefully we can work together from here on out."  Just kidding - what he actually says is way douchier: "Obviously you want to get ahead in the game & I do, too...If it means I gotta ride in your boat 'cause you got some power & you got some knowledge on how to go forward, then I ride in your boat for a while."  Bitch, please.  Get out of the damn boat.

Jeff continues, "You gotta prove your loyalty verses your words..." & he does the quotation gesture around "words" like he doesn't "believe" Penner "at all".  THEN he shakes Penner's hand & my husband comments that Jeff's finger looks broken.  Nope!  Turns out Jeff has decided to share with us the International Symbol of Douchebags: The Four-Finger Handshake.

Enables you to feel like a "gentleman" whilst plotting to be a "deceitful bastard".

"Are you willing to take a polygraph to that effect?"

Seriously, WTF is that?  Is he in the third grade?  Were his toes crossed, too?  Probst better not "reverse duh, double dare" him at a Tribal Council, because that shit means something to Jeff Kent.  When Jeff explains the Four-Finger Handshake to the camera, he's all smiles & thinking he's clever, & ladies & gentlemen, we have a new Douchey McTool.

Matt Quinlan, you are hereby relieved of your duties.  Still naming photos of yourself  "Missionandglare"?  I'll allow it.

Even though Yellow won Immunity, Artis is annoyed with Mike.  The same Mike who competed in the challenge just as hard as everybody who wasn't bleeding from their face.  Abi-Maria takes Pete to look for the Idol, & she actually finds it & then screams very loudly about finding it.  Pete shows no enthusiasm at all, clearly a display of how good he is at looking like he's not paying attention.  Pete, you genius!

A thrice defeated Blue returns to camp, & they are sad, despite The Hair making a glorious appearance while Malcolm practices the Four-Finger Handshake Jeff bragged about underwater at the Challenge.

Honestly, I don't understand why Malcolm lets The Hair down during challenges, but nobody tell him, ok?  He was like a beautiful Merman for a few moments.

Just like that, The Hair is tied back again, & Malcolm is frustrated with "the Goon Squad" he & Denise are stuck with.  "Denise was a war horse today, I mean, a little munchkin of muscle."  The Smart Alliance meets privately to discuss the Challenge.  Denise, a sex therapist, asks "How many times did you go down?" & I'm not mature enough to ignore that.  I'm sorry.  The 2 quickly dissolve into a chorus of "WTF happened with Russell & also WTF happened with Angie?" Angie pops over just to clear something up: "For the record, I never said 'I can't'".

Angie, you can't say WE never tried.

Russell knows he performed poorly in the Challenge, & now he is praying, & standing on the shoulders of giants & then a hundred million birds fly away.  Instead of turning to prayer & ancestors, what about the Immunity Idol?  Let's all remember that Russell has the clue...is he really not looking for it at all?  Did he forget about it?

At Tribal, Denise says she left her family & practice behind, so she's not ready to roll over & give up.  Malcolm has watched Survivor since he was 12, & is finally here more than a decade later.  He says he's frustrated that "it's going this poorly.  I'm not an emotional guy in the slightest, but I was between tears & screaming after the Challenge today.  It's...heartbreaking is the word."  Probst says, "Heartbreaking, for realz?"  Yeah, bro.  "Frustration was on Day 3.  On Day 8, it's heartbreaking."

Russell is confronted with being a quitter & he says he didn't quit - he made a strategic decision.  Angie says she's more of a fighter & Russell guffaws.  I haven't heard many guffaws in my day, but that was a guffaw.  "I was willing to die for this game the last time I played.  You willing to put your life on the line, little girl?  Come on."  Angie giggles & says "Yes" like someone asked her if she'd like a cookie.  Russell presses on & Angie's smile falters.  "You went into that water 2 feet.  You were slow because you did not have the physical strength to get that ring off of there."  Russell brings her to tears after he uses the phrase "revisionist history" & Angie doesn't understand.  She cries, & Angie, I hate that sadness in your eyes.

Malcolm steps in & identifies something that honestly never occurred to me: "Because of the situation, she's getting thrust into a role that was probably never meant for her - a strength role.  There are little girls on the other tribes who haven't had to do the things that she's had to do in 2 challenges already."  It doesn't change the fact that she's still the weakest member of the tribe, but it's true, & Malcolm may yet score with her, despite Probst being an awful wingman.

Russell votes for Angie, apologizing for making her cry.  Angie votes for Russell: "One thing about me is I never give up".  She says this while holding up the name she didn't even finish writing.

It's not centred, so don't tell me she meant to leave it at "Russ".

Angie is voted out by the 3 remaining Blue members, & gives a pageant girl exit speech.  "This helped me realize how blessed I am to have the life that I have."

Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said goodbye?

I couldn't get my recap up yesterday because I was with my son on a class trip, but I posted something on my blog's Facebook page to tide readers over, so please "like" Winter Pays For Summer over there for more extra content!


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