Survivor: South Pacific 23.2 Psych Evaluation Re-evaluation

            Episode 2 begins with Probst detailing how to make friends, the Coach way.  Show Brandon how to use a machete, & he’ll be your creepy confidant forever.  “So, Brandon, how many girls have you stalked in your past?  You can tell Coach.  Let’s pray.”

            Semhar is on Redemption Island, breaking down.  “I have abandonment issues.  I don’t understand how people can be so cold & hardened.”  I know, right?  You’re playing a televised game, where tribes have to vote out their own members, & you failed spectacularly at coconut basketball & were the reason they had to go to Tribal Council in the first place, but how could they do that to you?  Cold, heartless bastards, every one.

In last week’s recap, when spoken word artist Semhar was sent to Redemption Island, I wrote: “Passionate poetry was written that night, I’m certain.”  I’m a prophet, you guys!  Before I transcribe the art that came pouring out of Semhar that night, you must know that as soon as she began speaking, the jungle ambiance in the background disappears, & suddenly we hear the sounds of upright bass, high hats, & dissonant jazzy piano chords.  It’s a subtle change from the jungle music, but it is awesome.  And, hey look!  Jack Kerouac the crab just stumbled into this speakeasy.  He’s scuttling & they keep going back to him, shot after shot, until I am almost positive he’s wearing round glasses, a beret, & he’s snapping his claws.  The Survivor post-production team is the best.  Anyway, I give you Semhar’s poetry:

“Sometimes I wonder if I really miss you

or if I just miss feeling loved, cared about, and important.

You walked away, untouched & unbruised,

Still feeling complete off the love I gave you, while

I was left to crashhhhh.

I’ll never understand how men like you can cause so much damage or even worse,

How a woman such as myself can even stand it.

I don’t miss you.

I miss feeling loved.”

Um, I don’t think that’s about being voted off of the Survivor tribe she was part of for 3 days.  Thankfully, we are spared the 11 hours of footage that must exist of Semhar sobbing herself to sleep, trying to cuddle with Jack Kerouac.  WHY WON’T YOU STAY WITH ME, BEATNIK CRAB?

            Over at the Steve Vai camp, Cochran delivers a thankful speech & promises to do better (although unless they edited out hours of footage of Cochran working on his tan, which I doubt, he did no less than anyone else).  Keith thinks Cochran will be great at puzzles & mental challenges that are an inevitable part of the game, but Ozzy is still single-minded about strength being the one attribute his tribe needs.  You would think a 3-time Survivor would appreciate the different qualities it takes to play this game.  No Sole Survivor has won on strength alone.

            At OompaLoompa camp, Coach solidifies his friendship with Edna.  It occurred to me that Coach has always spoken of his love of Asian culture, & now his closest friend is Asian.  Coach needs a showmance!  Make it happen, Edna!  It’s curious that Edna was Coach’s “only friend” as Probst so tauntingly put it, yet she’s not in his alliance, only on a “need to know basis”.   He does appoint himself the Edna protector, though, so if any dragons are harassing you, Edna, you needn’t worry.  The dragon-slayer has your back.

            At Steve Vai, old Cochran is gone, & from the ashes there is risen a NEW Cochran.  How new?  THIS Cochran doesn’t care that his Mom was concerned about unsupervised machete wielding. “New Cochran doesn’t follow Mommy’s advice all the time – he cuts open a coconut when he needs to, & he does it by himself.  With a machete.”  I predict girls everywhere will be wearing t-shirts with that quote.  OMG.  New Cochran is a REBELLIOUS NERD, a new breed of man, appealing to many across the spectrum.  Watch out ladies, New Cochran is making his own rules now. 

Next, fantastic banter with Keith, as New Cochran offers him coconut milk that is now available because HE CUT THE COCONUT OPEN WITH A MACHETE.  BY HIMSELF.  AGAINST HIS MOM’S WISHES.

Keith: “How is it?”

New Cochran: “It’s great…partly because it’s the fruit of my labour…it’s like a child.”

Keith: “So I’m drinking your child?”

New Cochran: “I appreciate it.  He’s becoming part of you.”

LOVE HIM.

            Meanwhile, Ozzy shows off the monkey side of his parentage by scaling trees more quickly than Kate did on Lost.  He notices something out of place, & you can almost hear the quickening of his otter-monkey heart.  Apparently, never in his vine-swinging, mud-sliding adolescence has he seen a rock high up in a tree.  He has found the idol, without the clue!  Survivor, I thought you said you were going to make it harder to find the idols this year!  Putting an idol in a tree near Ozzy?  Perhaps they wanted Ozzy to find it?  SURVIVOR CONSPIRACY!  Ozzy takes his treasure, & hides it in a much higher tree, off of a very narrow branch that only Ozzy or Evangeline Lilly could reach.

            Part one of the psycho Brandon show.  He just can’t take the inner turmoil of hiding this huge secret from Coach, so he reveals that Russell Hantz is his Uncle.  Remember last week, when Brandon said he would never, EVER, tell anyone his last name?  Brandon doesn’t.  Coach is shocked that Brandon is the nephew of his “number 1 nemesis”, which truly sounds funny coming from someone who a) actually means it, & b) isn’t wearing a cape.  They decide to pray together & I groan, because I really liked Coach.  My eyes roll more than Christine’s did in this entire episode, which is A LOT OF TIMES.

            At Steve Vai, the boys are going fishing, & Elyse AGAIN jokes about her Native American background.  I get that it’s her schtick, & she’s just trying to be funny, but it comes across as mocking, so please stop.  “I need to channel my inner Native American self…teach me to dip net, oh great ancestors.”  At this point, her ancestors may have assimilated to Christianity, just to get away from her.  I predict at some point she will try to start fire by dancing around, singing that racist song from Peter Pan, “What Makes the Red Man Red?”.  Elyse is awful.

            Jim thinks he’s the Orchestrator, AND the Architect of a plan to align with Ozzy, Keith, Elyse & Whitney.  In his head, I’m sure he’s also the Doctor, Lawyer, Director, & President of this idea that Keith & Ozzy actually thought of first.  It must suck to watch this episode at home, knowing you didn’t build this plan from scratch with your popsicle sticks after you finished every popsicle yourself.  Because he’s so controlling, you guys.

            Back to OompaLoompa, where part 2 of the Psycho Brandon show is starting.  Again, the editing of Brandon staring at Mikayla may be manipulated, but it is hilarious.  Hilarious to everyone but Mikayla, who must be watching at home, terrified & peeking out from her curtains.  What’s not manipulated is what Brandon says about Mikayla, and I don’t know if there’s ever been a person SO FUCKING DELUDED.  “Being a married man, I have to stay away from that kind of stuff.  I’ve made some pretty bad decisions in the past.”  Hmmmm, would any of those bad decisions include stalking?  Just a guess. 

At the Immunity Challenge, the OompaLoomas see for the first time that Semhar has been sent to Redmption Island.  Relief is evident on Brandon’s face.  One less pair of boobies to tempt him.  The challenge itself involves unwinding ribbons, releasing keys to unlock your tribemates, & a heavy crate puzzle.  Elyse stumbles through the ribbons & unlocking portions, leading me to believe her ancestors were tripping her up on purpose.  Yay ancestors!  Steve Vai’s tribe wins & New Cochran doesn’t have to worry about how else to showcase his newfound macho self to avoid RI. 

Psycho Brandon is not quite his Uncle Russell when it comes to strategy.  He wants Mikayla gone “because I’m faithful to my wife.”  At this very moment, Mikayla is nervously laughing, “In your dreams, loser”, while she shakes & calls CBS to demand a security detail.  If Brandon is still married after watching this episode, his wife must be more fucked up than he is.  I would be slightly embarrassed if my husband so obviously was fighting the urge to sexually assault another woman on national television.  Seriously creepy.  There is a psych evaluation they have to go through, right?  I wonder if the person who administered Brandon’s is still legally allowed to practice?  “I see the way she is ‘Oh, I want to be a model, blah blah blah…she’s got every guy around here wrapped around her finger but me.”…Because he’d rather be wrapped around something else.  Zing!  Nailed it.  Editing could be responsible, but Mikayla has not seemed the least bit flirty.  Brandon is just psycho.

Tiki Tribal Council goes BOOM as Coach calls out Christine & Stacey for wanting to vote out Mikayla, which isn’t true at all.  Brandon is sweating, & looks like he’s about to puke.  Finally he decides he cannot hide the truth & reveals that he wants to make babies with Mikayla.  Ooops, my bad.  It was the other truth: that he told Christine & Stacey to vote for Mikayla because “she’s a threat”.  Coach is all “Are you fucking kidding me?” & rolls his eyes like I did when he prayed with Brandon.  I hoped he would tell everyone about Brandon’s Hantziness.  But Coach has honour, and EVERYONE LIKES HIM right now (except for Christine, & even to her, Coach says “I love this girl & her Long Island attitude.”), so he won’t say anything. 

Rick has been completely silent this entire episode, letting his moustache speak for him.  I wonder if the moustache gets its own vote?  It’s that magnificent. 

Last week, Semhar mysteriously had new dimples at Tribal Council, & this week, mysterious dimples are revealed on Albert.  He actually speaks in this episode, & seems very smart & level-headed, & at tribal, in the firelight, I realize he’s quite dreamy.  Sigh.

Christine was voted out, & rightly so, but I was hoping Mikayla would be gone, just so I would know she’d be safe…although I kind of think Brandon & Mikalya stuck on Redmption Island alone would be AWESOME TELEVISION.  As long as there is security, of course.

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