Thursday, September 29, 2011

Survivor: South Pacific 23.3: Coach Farouk

So Christine & Semhar are on Redemption Island together.  Christine tells Semhar she doesn't know what happened, other than Coach hating her.  Maybe because you told him he was a temporary player before you even met him?  Just a guess.  Semhar asks what Coach is like & Christine replies "He thinks he's King Farouk."  Maybe my recollection of King Farouk is off, but wasn't he the young, indulgent King of Egypt who was eventually overthrown?  Wikipedia tells me I am correct.  (Yay me!) It also tells me that after he was overthrown, King Farouk's love of rich food turned him into a 300lb "stomach with a head".  

So which part is like Coach, again?  He's not fat, not a teenager, & his only real indulgence seems to be stories, which are absent so far this season.  Three episodes in and not one reference to paddling up the Nile in a canoe he had woven from his own chest hair or something?  Did Christine just mean he thought he was in charge of everyone?  King Farouk is a very specific comparison to make if that's the point she's struggling to make.

King Farouk

Coach...oh, I see it now.

Christine wants to stay in the game badly, & she says "The fat lady has not sung."  But has the spoken word, spoken?  (Spoiler: Not yet, but she will.  Oh, she will.)

At OompaLoompa, poor Mikayla is confused & has no clue why Brandon wanted her gone.  I just want to give her a hug.  Instead, Coach envelops Brandon in an awkward hug that is more father-son than teammate-teammate.  And Brandon just snuggles right in there.  All the better to protect him from Mikayla's lady bits.  Brandon says he was "150% sure that Mikayla was going home."  How exactly?  He told 2 people that they should vote for Mikayla, & they never gave him a definitive answer.  Brandon needs to pray for some math.

Time for the first Redemption Island duel.  Coach & Stacey represent OompaLoompa, & Ozzy & Elyse represent Steve Vai.  With a blistering guitar solo in front of a fan.  Not really, but that would be awesome.  Ozzy totally has the hair to work a Steve Vai fan.

Semhar & Christine come in & Semhar's hair is suddenly in braids, & I realize that much of her beauty is boobs & hair.  She went from this:

I am woman, hear me roar, or at least speak poetry.

to this:

Wet Rat

Maybe the beatnik Kerouac crab braided her hair in return for his release.  Semhar says very unconvincingly "I'm just ready to keep going."  At this point, my husband called it. "Christine's going to win because she wants to be there." 

The challenge, or sorry, duel, is to balance a totem at the top of a pole, to which more poles must be added.  There is some fantastic editing now as we see a shot of Christine waiting to begin, while Semhar is psyching herself up for this challenge by reciting poetry.  Or making it up as she goes?  She's an artist.  I don't pretend to know what's going on in that used-to-be-pretty head of hers.  Besides the crazy.  There's a lot of crazy in there. 

Back to the editing: there are great shots of Jeff biting his lip, Coach's eyebrows rising into 2 downward dogs, & Coach & Ozzy even share an incredulous look, all while Semhar is speaking her truth? I guess?  With what powerful words could she simultaneously unite the tribes AND prepare herself for a balancing challenge, or sorry, duel?

"There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for this man.
I would even take off my clothes and give him a private show.
I would give birth to ten of his children without using any drugs to help ease the pain
and then I would give him one more just because our love is that insane.
There is not one thing that I would not do for my lover, my best friend, my honey, my boo.
I can't wait to meet him."

Semhar tells Probst her poetry calmed her like crazy.  Yeah it did. 

So they start the duel, & then...
OK, I'm trying to move on, but I can't just leave it at that.  This poem irritates me on so many levels.  I would assume that if you're going to have 11 babies with this stranger, taking off your clothes for a private show is nothing out of the ordinary, so why throw that "even" in there?  Why not put it in the next line, where you're giving birth naturally to a litter?  And let me tell you, Semhar, with your still perfect, perky breasts - I have given birth without drugs, & the reason for that was not because of any man, even my amazing husband.  That's not the kind of thing we give as an anniversary gift.  Alas, perhaps our love is too sane.  Just think, Semhar's lucky guy is out there somewhere, unknowingly about to stumble into a perky package of loco.

That was the best part of the duel, as Semhar stares straight ahead, so calmed by her own words that she forgets to look up at her swaying totem to correct the balance, & it falls.  Probst is not one to let a golden TV moment pass him, so he asks Semhar about her emotions.  Semhar breaks down, comparing Redemption Island to all the times she's been abandoned in her past, & again with the not understanding how her tribe could do this to her. 
Probst: "And yet you sought out this game." Probst is the best host of anything, ever.  Semhar completely misunderstands the point Probst is making & flips it to be an accolade.  "Yeah.  Exactly.  That's why I'm proud of myself.  I never give up on anything.  I know that I played this faithfully and as a good person."
Farewell, Semhar.  Your craziness will forever remain unmatched.  Until after the commercial break when we go to....

Brandon!  At OompaLoompa, Brandon says "This morning Doug was chastising me.  He was not pleased with me."  I had to rewind that after I couldn't remember who Doug was, & sure enough, I'm an idiot, because OF COURSE HE SAID GOD.  Brandon takes his shirt off, after announcing he would do so.  Sophie has a keen eye & immediately stares at the huge tattoo that says Lil' Hantz which totally doesn't signify he's a douchebag or anything.  Brandon tells everyone he is the nephew of the infamous Russell Hantz.  Now I spoke to someone yesterday who missed the Russell seasons of Survivor, so for anyone wondering what the big deal is, here's a taste of Russell:

So Brandon tells everyone he's Russell's nephew.  Everyone is quietly stunned except for Stacey.  She doesn't seem to say much, but when she does, it's worth the wait.  Last tribal council, we got a "BOOM!"  Now, we get hand swirls & a "BLAM!, as if she imagined Brandon's secret suddenly manifesting in a fog before her.  Brandon says he'd rather make friends than a million dollars & now we know he's either just really stupid, or crazy FOR REALZ.

Steve Vai's tribe has manifestations out of fog, too: how much did Ozzy look like a merman emerging from the ocean with his speared fish?  Awesome shot.  Ozzy decides to tell Keith he has the idol...why do people do this?  Hubby says it's the ego factor: they have to brag that they found it.  I get that, but I still think that's a dumb thing to be concerned about in a game for $1,000,000.  Of course, Keith tells Whitney all about it, who then rocks Keith ever so gently in a hammock, looking over her shoulder to see if there are any grapes or palms around so she could make herself even more useful.

The OompaLoompas endure an awkward, mean mini-trial where Brandon basically ties Mikayla to a stake & calls her out for her witchcraft.  All because he was flustered when she reasonably confronted him to figure out what she ever did to him.  Mikayla goes off, hurt, & crying by the ocean, & the whole world loves Mikayla right now because haven't we all been there?  No?  Well, we feel for her, anyway.  Sophie has the second best quote of the night: "He's a loose cannon...torn between following whatever crazy religious beliefs he has, and yet at the same time, he inherently in his bloodline is a devious jerk."

Brandon says "I let my flesh get a hold of me.  This is a constant battle for me, everyday: good/evil, good/evil, good/evil."  Um, I'm pretty sure the only people who truly struggle with not being evil, are evil people.  "Lord, please don't let me sin anymore."  To atone for his sins, he sleeps right where the ashes of the fire will fall all over him.  Who wants to bet he's dreaming of fire & brimstone in Sodom & Gomorrah?

The Immunity/Reward Challenge involves fetching banners out on the water, & then placing the banners in the proper order.  Ozzy has trouble right away as his tribe isn't feeding him enough rope.  Guys, did you forget Ozzy is a super fast Otter-monkey, & possibly a merman?  Ozzy yells at them to FEED IT! like he's Audrey 2 & needs a tasty dentist RIGHT NOW.  OompaLoompa has a better time with the feed.

Albert REALLY likes coffee & cookies.

Brandon takes the lead & points to the sky, thanking God.  Because if God's going to help Brandon with any aspect of his life, it's going to be the running & swimming part.  Seeing Brandon point his finger to the heavens, I imagine God slowly backing away, thinking about trying out that Hinduism, where he can blend in with the other gods & Brandon will LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Coach is AMAZING with the grappling hook, but that doesn't surprise me, as Coach most likely uses a grappling hook in his everyday life as much as I use a remote control.  Before Steve Vai even lowers one banner, OompaLoompa has won.

Back at Steve Vai, there's a frank talk between Papa Bear & Cochran about being misfits.  I want them to break into song so badly, it hurts my head.

You decide who's who.

I had been missing Cochran the whole episode, & here's why: his first real screen time tonight produces this gem: "The fact that my name keeps coming up is very upsetting.  I don't want to be sent to Redemption Island.  I know a lot of people kind of view it as a chance to get back in the game...I view it as a chance for...extended failure and just more depression." 
He is an adorable Woody Allen, & I don't just love him.  I LURVE him.

Papa Bear doesn't trust Ozzy & Keith's assurance that Cochran is going home, so he decides to look for the idol.  He walks nonchalantly to the treeline while suspenseful music builds, & he takes off running, & it is hilarious.  Elyse tracks him without calling upon her Native American Ancestor Spirit Guides (amazing!), & she finds Papa Bear searching for the idol.  This is surprising for some reason.  Papa Bear makes a fake idol to trick everyone, & Cochran is worried, but don't worry, Cochran.  I do the math & 3 people know Ozzy has the idol which is enough to make sure Papa Bear goes home.

Tribal Council is seriously weirding me out with the surprise dimples.  Now Cochran suddenly is there some sacrificial dimple-sharing going on between Probst & the contestants?  Nothing too surprising - as I thought, Papa Bear goes to Redemption Island.  When he gets there, he says "I think Cochran deserved to be on Redemption Island."  But it is revealed that Papa Bear voted for Jim, & not Cochran!  So, did Papa Bear not know what he was supposed to do?  Even if it was out of loyalty to Cochran (which I doubt), it makes no sense strategically.  If Papa Bear's fake idol play had worked, it could've been a split why vote for Jim?  Sigh.  Papa Bear, I liked you, but you do deserve to be on Redemption Island.

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