Friday, March 30, 2012

Survivor One World 24.7 Dropped Balls & Poopypants

The newly merged tribe returns to camp after Colton's dramatic exit due to acute appendicitis, which actually turned out to be a bacterial infection.  But, you know, whichever medical situation requiring evacuation is convenient for you.

Troyzan names the new tribe Tikiano, meaning "year of the god", but to me it just means one thing:

Troyzan is feeling good - he's made it to the merge, it's him against 11 people, & he is in his element.  Exactly how much is he enjoying this game?  Watch his audition video, & understand his awesomeness.  Monkeys AND supermodels...can you really beat that?

Jonas, the resident sushi chef, is preparing "young coconut, lightly carmelized", which he will then hit with sea water to manipulate the flavour to that of potato chips.  Potato chips!   "Let's keep this guy around forever", says nobody, much to my disbelief.

To pair with the coconut potato chips, Jay is brewing coffee.  Tarzan places his order for a White Chocolate Mochaccino with absolutely no foam or it will be thrown in a face, but Jay reminds him that he never won the coffee.  Sure, they're all one happy Keanu tribe now, but the lines are still drawn, & don't you forget it.  Tarzan is all whatevs, I don't like coffee anyway.  "I'm at the point where I'm not addicted anymore."  Congratulations, Tarzan!  I guess that means no irrational behaviour or outbursts, right? 

The Reward Challenge is an obstacle course in the sand. Survivors are randomly divided into 2 teams, & must dig a hole underneath a pole, crawl under more poles, & dig for puzzle pieces. First team to solve the turtle-shaped puzzle wins pizza, beer & a secret note.  Let me say that again: PIZZA AND BEER.  The holy grail of rewards, IMO.  Something you would be craving, but will also give you some amount of nutrition & strength to help you in the long run.  Screw you, ice cream parlour.

With so much of this challenge requiring staying low to the ground, you would think Lief, a fierce competitor up to this point, would have the advantage.  Not so.  He doesn't dig enough before trying to wiggle through, belly down, & he ends up stuck.  Probst: "Lief is like a turtle birthing out of the sand."  Is Probst actually plugging the turtle puzzle at the end of this challenge, or is this an accurate comparison?

Pretty astute, Probst.

And, of course, if the hole was barely big enough for Lief, it's not going to be big enough for anyone else on his blue tribe, so they are falling behind.  Kat runs the course, clutching her right side so her appendix won't fall out of her belly button.  Lief's tribe has a secret weapon, however....Mike the genie is on their tribe, & with a nod of his head, both teams start the puzzle at the same time.

Having a genie on your tribe should be enough to win, but when you put Tarzan on puzzle-solving duty, you're going to need more than magic.  Christina & Troyzan win the challenge for the orange tribe, & they will be feasting on pizza & beer along with Chelsea, Jay, Sabrina & Alicia.  Poor Kat reacts just like I do when the promise of pizza & beer is taken away: she's crying.

The orange tribe is enjoying their pizza & beer, & Jay lets out a huge burp & it's the manliest sound to come out of those pretty lips so far.

This is about as manly as the biker from The Village People, yet I am on board with this 100%.

The secret note informs them of a new hidden Immunity Idol back at camp, but that should be pretty obvious, no?  Look, if I wasn't in the pizza & beer group, I would be curled up in a ball, eating coconut potato chips, & weeping quietly to myself.  But after I pulled myself together, I would be looking for an idol while the cool kids are partying.  Instead, genie Mike tells Jonas that Tarzan has a plan.

Seriously, who stands like this?  Barbara Eden, that's who.

When Colton left, Jonas saw his chance to step up into the leadership role.  Now Tarzan's making plans without him?  Aw, hell no.  Jonas confronts Tarzan.  "When did the plans change & why am I the last guy to know?"  Tarzan starts yelling "Two days ago!" Jonas speaks in his slow, soothing voice, & Tarzan counters with "You are such a confused asshole, I really can't believe you."  Jonas is not having any of it.  "Stop fucking interrupting me.  I'm tired of your fucking bullshit."  Tarzan looks down & realizes he's fighting with a sushi chef who is armed with a knife, & he backs away slowly.  "Jonas, let's just admit it: I don't like you, don't talk to me anymore."  Colton, Alicia, & now Tarzan, all united in the 90s philosophy of "talk to the hand".  Again, you need votes to win this game.  From these people.  Why is that so hard for anyone to understand?

"I can only play this game so long before it's irritating."
Tarzan continues his rant: "I do not like Jonas.  I do not like that guy anymore.  When I say something, I mean it from my heart & I don't go back on it.  I can't look at his face anymore."  So lets all take note: he doesn't like Jonas, & that will never change.

A different 'Zan' altogether, Troyzan, wakes early & goes searching for the Idol.  He reaches into a tree hollow, & we are led to believe a monstrous crab is waiting to take his hand off.  Not only is there a shot of a crab in a tree hollow, but the shot zooms in until it is terrifying & I am dreaming of monster crabs all night.

Troyzan escapes with his life, & the Hidden Immunity Idol.  Despite assurances that idols would be harder to find without clues, every "hidden" idol this season has been in a very obvious spot.  But to guard it with the crab baby of Shelob & Aragog...that's clever.

On to the Immunity Challenge, during which my brain exploded.  So much sexual innuendo, I'm not even going to describe the challenge.  Just look at the picture & read the Probst quotes.

"Everybody grab your disc & your first ball."
"Everybody grab a second ball."
"Both balls drop."
"Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time."
"Jonas, balancing two balls on one edge, one ball on the other end of his disc."

and the winner...

"Michael, with both balls hanging on both sides of his disc."

hehehe balls.

Troyzan wins the first Individual Immunity & like a true Survivor superfan, he is ecstatic. "This is crazy! Do you know how long I've waited to feel this thing?"  If you're keeping count, this is the second Immunity Idol Troyzan happened upon in this episode.

The New Salami tribe has decided to stick together, as there are 7 of them & only 5 members of New Menudo.

Whatever you do, keep Ricky!

Even though he can make coconuts taste like potato chips, Jonas is going to be voted out, since he's the strongest of the weak.  Kim is sitting pretty, as Jonas is both a Menudo & a man, & she also has an Immunity Idol.  The force of Salami is strong in this one.

When Jonas hears his name has come up, he scrambles to make amends.  He apologizes to Tarzan who seems genuinely touched, even though he sounds very, very sarcastic.  "You're apologizing?  Really?  That brings tears to my eyes, thank you."  He actually is tearing up a little, though, so he's at that stage of caffeine withdrawl now.  "We're back together again", he declares.  Hey, remember when Tarzan said "I do not like that guy anymore.  When I say something, I mean it from my heart & I don't go back on it.  I can't look at his face anymore."?  Tarzan doesn't.

Another thing Tarzan doesn't do is wash his own underwear.  It's laundry day for the Keanu tribe & of course, this means gratuitous footage of laundering.

This long, lingering shot is so viewers at home can learn proper wringing technique, I guess.

Tarzan brings his dirty underwear to Sabrina & he swears the suspicious-looking stain is dirt, not poop.  "Then why is there dirt just concentrated in one area?" Sabrina refuses to look, & is fighting the urge to run away with flailing arms.  Tarzan's defense?  "If it's in boiling water, you dont have to worry...even if it was poop pants."  Chelsea puts her ocean-rinsed clothes in the boiling water, & Tarzan tosses his poopypants right on top of them, & reassures her.  "You're ok.  It's not poop, it's dirt.  I swear."

I don't think she believes him.

Chelsea responds with a death glare & says "I'm gonna go puke.  I'll be right back."

Break that 4th wall, Kat!

Disgusted by Tarzan's behaviour, Chelsea approaches the Prince of Persia about possibly voting out Mr. Poopypants instead of the guy who, once again, can make coconuts taste like potato chips.

They could totally be on a horse.  You know you know it.

Jay hates the dead weight that is Tarzan, but understands the danger in messing with a plan already in place.  Jay is not just a pretty face with a David Beckham voice; Jay is smart, & he will distract you with all of that pretty., whatever you want to do. *blush*

Pop quiz, Keanu tribe: you have one loose cannon with poopypants on one hand, & a nice chef who makes potato chips out of freaking coconuts on the other side.  What do you do?  What do you do?

At Tribal Council, Jonas points out how dangerous a strong competitor like Mike is.  Tarzan is filing for divorce again.  "I disrespect what Jonas just did.  I disrespect it deeply."  Yeah, why can't you just roll over & accept defeat, Jonas?  Defending yourself at Tribal Council?  The nerve.  Jonas tells Tarzan that his plan of voting Kat out is not going to happen.


Tarzan reminds us all that he's a plastic surgeon, & he's usually in charge of an operating room.  Yikes.  Can't say I'd want my life in the hands of Tarzan.

There goes that dream.

Tarzan has been burned one too many times by Jonas, who is trying to stay in the game for another few days.  Ugh, don't you just hate guys like that?  Tarzan votes for Jonus, & I'm impressed, because that's closer to Jonas than what Tarzan's been calling him for the past few weeks: Jason.  He realizes his mistake & fixes his error with a hasty line. 

Jonas is voted out, & heads over to Tarzan with a "No hard feelings, brother", & Tarzan responds with "Hard feelings to you", which sounds like an old-timey gentleman's way of saying "fuck you".
Jonas leaves with a smile, & "Good luck with the food situation!  Hahaha!"  May you all remember the sweet taste of the potato chips I created for you out of coconuts.

I can only assume that Tarzan is being kept around because he's no threat at challenges & would be a great person to take to the final 3...but at what cost?  At what cost?*

*Poopypants, loose lips, speedos & irrational outbursts

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Survivor One World: 24.6 Cindertina

Before we get into this week's Survivor, I have a 2-in-1 mini recap up for the past 2 episodes that I missed when I was on vacation.

In case we forgot that this season of Survivor is chock-full o'horrible people, we have this episode to remind us.  The new Menudo returns to camp & Christina is shocked about Monica's departure.  Alicia, not so much.  "I'm sorry, but that was the funniest Tribal Council I've been to."  Christina is literally tending the cinders of the fire while Colton & Alicia cackle & bully her.  "No one's going to go off with you by themselves, Christina.  You can go make an alliance with a hermit crab at this point."  Colton calls her a cockroach, & continues spewing hate.  "If, by some miraculous miracle you did make it to the merge, you're the first one to go.  You're gone before any of the guys, you're gone before the girls."  Alicia laughs & agrees "it's already done", before returning to petting her precious Colton.  At night, Christina can't find a spot to sleep.

Only room for Leif in his coffin-box & HOW ARE YOU NOT AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BOARD IT UP?

Alicia refuses to give Christina space to sleep, even though, you know, she's a person & all.  "I don't care because you're gonna be gone.  I really don't care."

I'm fairly convinced that later that night, Cindertina did make an alliance with a hermit crab (obviously her Fairy Godmother in disguise).  After promising to improve Cindertina's plight, hermit crabs gathered to comfort her & they performed this classic:

Good morning, Salami!  Over coffee, Kat recounts her dream in which Alicia killed her at the mall & OMG you guys, Kat is a prophet.  A seer.  She looks into her empty cup of coffee & sees an omen.

Death! (or a condition which could prove to be fatal if left untreated)

The Reward Challenge is a trampolining-coconut, target-breaking event.  First tribe to break 5 wins ice cream.  Decadent, I'm sure, but not exactly a reward of any substance that will help in this game.  If anything, it may cause upset tummies.

Colton & Alicia are particularly bad at this challenge, with Probst even calling Alicia "pathetic".  Honestly, that girl has no business there.  She's no good at challenges of any kind, & certainly has no idea how to play a social game.  They both yell at Cindertina to run faster, with Colton adding a "Stupid fucking idiot" in there.  Charming, this guy.  My husband pointed out that Cindertina has nothing to lose at this point, so why was she not yelling at them, making sure everyone else noticed how useless they were?  Menudo loses the challenge, of course.

Colton continues being Colton.  "I'm just so ready for Christina to be gone.  You can quit, or you can wait & go home in 2 days, or you can jump in the fire & be med-evac'd...whichever's more convenient for you.  I hate her voice, I hate her face, I hate everything about her." 

I have to say, I am a very big believer that you have to separate the game of Survivor from real life.  Last season, Coach actually had a shot to win this game when he finally was willing to be deceitful, no matter how much he valued honour & integrity in everyday life.  Russell was an ass when he played, but to me, he was always playing a role.  I don't think Colton is playing a role, nor do I think he is acting this way because he has a plan.  He's acting this way because he can.  I think he's a spoiled brat who is kidding himself that he has power in this game, & it has gone to his head.  I don't believe he is a particularly good person outside of this game.  I think this is who he is, & that person is offensive & pretentious & ignorant.   I feel more forgiving towards Alicia, as she was not aligned with Monica or Cindertina before the tribe switch, so she felt a target on her back.  She's going along with Colton a little too heartily, but I don't think she's truly as awful as Colton.  Not yet, anyway.

Moving on, Salami meets ice cream, which is so unappetizing I won't say another word about it.

Jonas finally realizes that Colton & Alicia are being unfairly mean to Cindertina.  She finds a chance to speak to him & Leif about Alicia's alliance with the Salami girls, & Alicia appears behind her like a murderer.  (No joke, at this point I thought the med-evac tease was leading to Alicia assaulting Christina.)  Instead, Alicia starts a slow clap, & tells Cindertina she was caught, & that she sucks at this game.  Meanwhile, it is Alicia who seems to have forgotten that at the end, you need votes to win.

Alicia covers herself in a huge scarf (while still managing to leave her girls exposed) & explains to the camera that she can't have Cindertina spilling her secrets & OMG I forgot that Alicia is a Special Ed teacher.

Hypothetically, if she taught my daughter, I would storm into that school & not leave.  Not without my daughter.

Alicia refuses to speak to Cindertina anymore, & it's clear why Colton is her partner in crime.  "I'm done." lalalalala....

We saw at the first Tribal Council that Cindertina can hold her own against Alicia, but she seems resigned to the abuse now.  Again, she has nothing to lose, so why not speak up about what a dictatorship this is & how exactly is it ok?  So Colton has an idol? Flush it out or blindside him.  Win-win.  She's not running away in tears as I most definitely would be, so I guess that's something.  Good for you, Cindertina.

Over the night, Cindertina's hermit crabmother is more vengeful than should be, & bibbity-bobbity-boos Colton's appendix into raging, inflamed pain.  Throughout all his pain, Alicia is there for him, right?

Actually, we never see Alicia, & surprisingly it is Cindertina comforting Colton.  Head in her lap, she's massaging his temples & she is the one who runs to call for the medical team.  "If someone is sick & needs help, I'm gonna be there for them, you know?"  Heart of gold, that Cindertina.

Jeff & the medical team enter camp, & Probst is at his most annoying with a play-by-play of the examination that appears to slow it down.  It is determined that appendicitis is afoot, & Colton must be removed from the game.  He can do whatever he wants with his Immunity Idol, so the tribe is called over to say goodbye.  Everyone is suitably shocked to hear it's serious, but Alicia is only concerned about her game.  "Call me a bad person, but all I kept thinking was strategy the whole time."

Jonas is emotional because Colton is such a fan & to leave the game this way sucks.  I, too, hate when someone leaves the game due to injury.  For instance, a broken wrist forced the whimsical manic pixie dream girl known as Kourtney to you, & future BFF to me, out of this season in the first episode.

I haven't seen ONE rainbow since she left, I'm just saying.

And of course, there's this heartbreaking exit of one of my favourite Survivors of all time, Jonathan Penner, from Survivor: Micronesia.

It really is hard to feel sympathetic to Colton, though.  If it had been anyone else, I might have given a damn.  Jonas mentioned karma, & I'm sure that's what popped up in everyone's head watching these events unfold, but appendicitis can be quite serious & painful, so I don't know how comfortable I am saying it's karma.*
*just kidding - I'm totes comfy.  Karma is a bitch.

Now the moment of truth - what will Colton do with his Immunity Idol?  Give it to his evil partner Alicia?  Throw a wrench into the game & give it to his nursemaid, Cindertina?  Smother it in garlic & toss it to Leif to see if he really is a vampire?  Nope, he's going to hang it on his pageant trophies in his bedroom at Daddy's house so his housekeeper who is a member of the family can keep it looking shiny & new.  Alicia does not like.  "Colton is a spoiled brat.  He's going to keep the Immunity Idol for a souvenir even though he knows he screwed me the biggest, so you know what?  Screw him."  First of all, who says that to someone heading into surgery?  Even if it's Colton, that's cold.  Also, I love that Alicia feels screwed over by Colton's health emergency.  That appendix had it out for her from the start.

With Colton gone, Cindertina puts her feelers out around camp & learns that while Tarzan thinks she's wonderful & successful, he won't be her friend.  "I do respect you, Katrina."  "Christina."  "Yeah."  Way to crush a girl's dreams, Tarzan.

Currently rejecting friendship requests.

Both tribes are called to Tribal Council where Probst informs Salami that Colton was removed due to acute appendicitis.  Jaws are dropped, & eyes widen, none more than Kat's.  "What is that?"  Leif shares that he has had his appendix removed & it was very painful, & Kat looks frightened.  Kim reveals that she, too, is missing an appendix inside her body.  Kat is genuinely terrified.  It's pretty hilarious.  Probst addresses her & she can't even concentrate.
"Kat, wouldn't be the first time somebody lied in this game."
"Touche....uh, I'm kinda worried about the appendix thing & how do I not get mine hurt."

Probst tells them to drop their buffs, & they are now a merged tribe of 12.

For humanity's sake, I guess we can all hope that this experience (& watching it back) has taught Colton 2 life lessons that my 7 year old already knows:  You don't always get your own way.  Treat others the way you'd like to be treated.

To the producers: please do not invite Colton back.  Please.

UPDATE: I've just watched this video, & you should to, if by any "miraculous miracle" you thought Colton's comments were not racially motivated.

Survivor One World: 24.4 & 5: Awfulness & Idol-Crotch.

Before I begin writing my recap of last night's Survivor, I do apologize for not recapping these past 2 episodes on time.  I was on vacation, & couldn't find the time once I returned, but it is nice to know I was missed, so thank you for the comments & messages regarding my absence!

So what did we learn from the past 2 episodes?  Firstly, that my  precap based solely on press photos available before airtime was not as accurate as I had hoped.  What a show that would have been!  

The women would not let the men use their fishing nets.  "Srsly, come on dudes.  All you've gifted us with is fire, warmth, you want to use our tool & give us half of what you catch with it?  How dare you.  Good day, sirs."

Leif accidentally told Bill his name had come up in previous talks & what happened next does not need to be exaggerated.  Leif was summoned to Royal Court where he faced charges of Treason, & Colton gave him a chance for mercy.  It was completely ridiculous.  Colton also referred to Leif as both a Munchkin & an OomplaLoompa.  That cuddly, candy-coloured Colton from the first episode has been revealed on-camera to be a manipulative, horrible person.  Just awful.

At the challenge, Salami lost Immunity because Alicia, who earlier said she was a puzzle master, couldn't solve a puzzle.  Even while looking at a completed version of the exact same puzzle.  So it looked like Alicia would be going home.

HOWEVER, back at the Menudo camp, Bill attempted to have a grown-up conversation with Colton, who behaved reprehensibly.  A spoiled 3 year old who did everything but plug his ears & sing "lalalalala".  Colton was enraged by Bill & his discussion seeking, & convinced the Menudo tribe to give up their Immunity so they can go to Tribal Council instead.  The entire tribe agrees to do this.  Kat wonders if the boys have lost their minds.  KAT.

When the wrong tribe walks into Tribal Council, Probst had the look one would expect to see on his face:  shock, with a hint of producer-sparkle in his eyes that screamed "AwesomeAwesomeAwesome!"


Bill's chosen profession is something so ludicrous to Colton that he uses air-quotes to say "Stand-up Comic".  Colton chokes down his vomit & instructs Bill to "get a real job."  Bill remains polite & understanding of Colton's head-up-his-ass-edness, based on the differences in their up-bringing.  Colton assures us he has African-American people in his life.  Who?  "Our housekeeper," he giggles, because he can't remember her name.  Add this offensive behaviour to Colton's "ghetto trash" comment from episode 3, & I'm left with a very bad taste in my mouth.  How Bill kept calm I will never understand.  I can't even handle the "gingers have no souls" jokes.

Ah, if only the tribe had decided to blindside Colton at his own orchestrated Tribal Council.  Instead, Bill goes out with more class than Colton deserves.  "One day Colton will be put into a situation where he can't just not like somebody because they're not people that he's used to or that he's grown up with.  He judged me because of my differences, & I accept him because of his."

Who needs decent human beings on Survivor, anyway?

Episode 5 was not as bum-puzzling.  We all know that the original Menudo had rotating members.  Maybe a voice changed.  Maybe the cuteness faded.  Maybe the world needed to meet Ricky Martin.

Fact: Spartan pirates did indeed live la vida loca.

Buffs were dropped, & new tribes were assigned randomly.  Colton dubbed them "Greek gods vs peasants."  After episode 4, I hate to agree with Colton on any level, but every Salami member has been physically dominant: Mike, Jay, Tarzan, Sabrina, Chelsea, Kat & Kim.  Menudo is now made up of Colton, Tarzan, Jonas, Leif, Christina, Alicia & Monica.

Alas, no denim buffs.

The new Menudo loses the Reward Challenge & on top of not receiving coffee, they have to build a new camp, away from Salami.  It is Survivor: One World no longer.  At least for this episode.

The New Salami is excelling, catching crabs & roasting a rooster. (R.I.P. Matt)  They are well fed, & win Immunity.  Kim shares some interesting information with Chelsea: "I just found the Hidden Immunity Idol & it's in my crotch."

Menudo goes to Tribal Council.  Despite Colton remaining an awful person, & a complete demonstration of Tarzan's specialness, everyone votes out the strong, hard-working woman who managed to look flawless without any makeup on.  Monica, I shall remember your cheekbones by firelight forever, fair maiden.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Survivor One World: 24.4 The Precap

I won't be able to watch the next 2 episodes as they air, so I thought I'd do a little "precap", based on the press images available for tonight's new episode.  I'll combine the next 2 episodes together in my next recap, which will probably be a few days late.

Based on the promo for tonight's episode, something big goes down.  Or it could just be a "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever" tease, who knows? 

It appears as if someone cheats in a challenge, perhaps throwing it completely.  From last week's "next time on Survivor" promo, we know that Colton & Bill have a confrontation.  Could Colton have orchestrated a good ol'fashioned challenge-throwing to get rid of Bill?  Hmmm....

The claim is made that for the first time, someone will change the game forever.  But we all know Cochran already did that last season; his comment about Jeff Probst's blue shirts affected our dear host terribly - this year's wardrobe has been a virtual rainbow of muted green & navy & black, & we're only 4 episodes in!  What's next - taupe?

Based on the press images, here are my predictions for tonight:

Alicia has not designed a more supportive top for herself, as I was hoping.  She has fishing wire & an abundance of bats hanging around (if we are to believe the editors), so why not make yourself a bat-wing bikini?  Really, anything would do a better job holding those suckers in place.  Maybe don't wear your buff around your neck, is all I'm saying.

Because of Alicia's determination to show off her girls, a portion of a challenge, involving Alicia running, will be slow-mo'd on many a DVR.

A sprinting Alicia is not the last we'll see of flying coconuts in this episode...they will also be launched through the air, presumably towards tiles.

Here is where Colton will throw the challenge: ignoring the intended targets, he chooses instead to aim for Bill's curls.

The girls win that challenge, obviously, & with it the reward of a Restoration Hardware Rustic Palm-Frond Firewood Carrier (retails at $299.99).  Kim does work around camp, & Kat chases frogs with a stick.

Bill & Colton have a fight, involving many dudes, bros & bitches, & Bill weeps, causing his mascara to run.

Colton asks Mike, who reveals himself to be a genie, to grant his wish of voting Bill out.  Just nod, Mike, & it will be so.

Mike later whispers Colton's secrets into Jay's ear as they frolic together on a see-saw.  In plain view of everyone.

Clearly, this PDA is what prompts the cries of "Cheater!" we heard in the promo.  This is the shocking betrayal.

Colton is infuriated at the scene unfolding before him & changes his mind.  Bill can stay now, bro!

Mike is blindsided at Tribal Council & is the 2nd Rooster to become a Capon at Colton's hands.

If you're reading this after the episode has aired, I'm sure you're thinking, "I don't buy it, Lisa. You obviously watched this episode before it aired.  It's just TOO accurate to be a coincidence."  Feel free to send accusations flying at me like Survivor coconuts.  Maybe CBS will learn from this.  They shouldn't make the outcome of the episode so bloody obvious through the photos they choose to release.  And that is all I will say about that.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Survivor One World: 24.3 Massive Ass Storm with Reach Around

The Salami tribe returns to camp after a tribal council that saw Nina leave, & Probst again telling the girls to get it together.  Colton & Jonas surprise Chelsea & Kim in the dark with the comforting words, "There's a massive ass storm coming in."  The Menudo tribe offers to share their tarp-covered shelter with the girls (this may be the ass storm they have foreseen).  The girls decide to tough it out, & not go crawling to the guys.  The next morning, the girls are frozen & soaked.  I've said it before, but it bears repeating: If you were going to be on Survivor, competing for $1 million, wouldn't you learn how to make fire?  Wouldn't you study up on building shelters?  I would also learn to swim & make alcohol out of palms so I wouldn't be a social wallflower, but that's just me.

Troyzan tells the girls they can warm up by Menudo's fire & now Kim "has no shame".  They walk across the camp line & into the Menudo shelter, which is dry & warm & heaven to them.

It's amazing what a tarp can do.

Matt returns from crab-hunting to find someone has been "Sitting on our beds, you know, soaking wet, you know, sitting by our fire."

Douchey McTool is most upset that the girls have not given their first & last month's deposit, as stated on the Rental Agreement.  What's that?  Nobody drew up a Rental Agreement?  Augh!  This is a Matthew McConaughey southern lawyer movie waiting to happen!  But what to call it....

The Reward Challenge is a memory task to win a canoe & fishing supplies.  Players have to recreate the order of objects that are behind a curtain.  The curtain is raised to study the order, & when a player is ready, they close the curtain, which would suck for the opponent, if they're not ready.  A clever addition to a challenge like this.

Alright, alright, alright.

The women win 3 in a row, & then it's Kat Bieber's turn.  Her opponent, Troyzan, closes the curtain as soon as it opens, & I don't know if it's strategy to throw Kat off, or if he has an eidetic memory (nope).  They end up re-doing this challenge 7 times to the same down-home chicken-catching music we heard in the premiere, when they were, you know, catching chickens.  Finally Kat wins this match, followed by a win from Christina, & now the women have finally won a challenge.

Is that a feather or a lure in her hair? (we know there's allure in her chest)

Salami is in good spirits with a shiny new boat & fishing supplies & they set to work restarting their fire & preparing their shelter for more rain.  The fire won't catch, so the girls decide to ask Menudo for help.  Monica says "All of our coconuts are wet."

Wet t-shirt contest. bro!

The girls ask for an ember, & Jay suggests the men could take the canoe out in return.  Monica can't make that decision without the girls & Jay looks annoyed, but still very, very beautiful.

Hey girl, don't you want to see me paddle a canoe?

Despite the men stealing from the women literally in the first minute of the game, this is not an unreasonable suggestion.  After the fair trade of fire for woven palms, Menudo offered to shelter the women during the massive ass storm, & they have let the women warm up several times now.  If they were not sharing a beach, Salami would have to fend for themselves, so why not make deals while you can?

Colton says "Some of the guys are like, 'We gotta stop giving them stuff & not getting anything in return', which I do agree with.  Like, I love some of those girls, but if they aren't gonna give me anything, I'm sorry - I am a Republican, I am not a Democrat.  I do not believe in handouts*."

*Menudo Hidden Immunity Idols excluded

Chelsea has zombie hands because of all the water & she & Alicia head to the luxury shelter at Menudo to warm up for 5 minutes.  Chelsea mentions the boat, & Jay says, "We plan on taking it out one day, soon."  Alicia says "I don't know", & then looks directly into the camera, the first time I can remember a player doing that.

Jay counters with "Didn't you all just walk away with fire a while ago?  Aren't you standing here right now?"  Alicia gets defensive & the girls leave to talk to the rest of their tribe.  Douchey McTool says "They come across as very spoiled. 'Where's my stuff?  Where's my fire?'"*

*any resemblance to Matt Quinlan's "Where's my chicken?" in the premiere episode is purely coincidental.

Chelsea breaks down for a moment, & Kat says, "We're girls.  We're just not meant to be beaten down..."  Oh, Kat.  Eager to prove to Kat that girls can do anything boys can do, the girls try out their fishing equipment & canoe, & come back with 3 fish.  Girl power!

Probst is wearing a black shirt at the Immunity Challenge & it is clear that with one comment last season, Cochran has changed Survivor forever.  This is one of my favourite kinds of challenges: the blindfolded people led by 1 person screaming directions at them.

The callers are leading their blindfolded tribemates, in pairs, to a water tower where they will pull a rope, releasing coloured water, & puzzle pieces.  When all puzzle pieces have been retrieved, the caller then solves the puzzle.  Let the splashing commence.

This challenge brought to you by You Can't Do That on Television.

 Menudo has a huge lead, possibly due to the men's urgency every time Bill screams "REACH AROUND!"  Bill starts on the puzzle when the girls are still short 3 bags.  Jeff reminds us this is a "huge advantage for the men, time-wise".

A very cool puzzle.

Sabrina starts on the puzzle, & somehow whizzes past Bill to win the women their first Immunity.  Sabrina rushes off to add President of Puzzles to her Business Cards.

Douchey McTool cannot believe that Salami won.  "My mind was just blown....but now that we've lost this challenge, I'm looking forward to doing this.  I mean, I've spent 8 days out here kind of creating some power & I want to use it.  I wanna execute some of it tonight, that's what's gonna happen."  I have complete faith in Matt & his alliance of 4 in a 9 person tribe.

Back at camp, Colton is annoyed by Bill's "bro"s & "dude"s & Colton wants him to kill himself.  With an unfortunate choice of words, Colton says, "You're ghetto trash.  That's all you are."

The alliance of 5 led by Colton is discussing the upcoming vote, & Jay walks up.  Tarzan spills everything to Jay, asking if he'd like to vote Bill or Matt with them.  Jay realizes the numbers are right here, so agrees to join them.  Enter Douchey McTool, who asks what's up.  

Tarzan: "We're talking strategy.  Obviously, right?"
Matt: "Is my presence destroying the strategy talk?"
Colton: "No..."
Tarzan: "Yes it is, at the moment."

Tarzan is Brandon minus the fear of lady part temptation.

Matt pulls Troyzan aside to talk, & yes, I feel stupid each time I type "Troyzan".  Matt calls his alliance "The Muscle" or "The Roosters", & the other guys "The Average Joes" & OMG I hate this guy so much.  When the pitch is done, Troyzan says, "Matt, basically, is a jerk.  He calls the strongest guys "the roosters", & the whole time I'm agreeing with him, but in my head, I'm like, I'm never gonna be with you.  It ain't Survivor unless you're lying."   I may hate typing his name, but dammit, I am so happy someone embraces lying in this game & isn't concerned with honesty & integrity.


At Tribal Council, Colton tells Probst he's not worried because he has an idol.  Usually I hate when people divulge this info, but it's useful here, throwing off the voting plans of "The Roosters".  With Christina Cha not present at the Tribal Council, someone has to lay down a smackdown, & it's gonna be Probst.
Probst: "So Colton, you've been spending a lot of time with the women."
Colton: "Well, yeah....that shouldn't be a shock."
Probst: "Wait a second, why shouldn't that be a shock? You are on the men's tribe."
Colton: "Well, all my friends back home are girls..."
Probst: "But. you're. not. on. their. tribe.  You don't compete with them, you don't go to Tribal Council, so you look at me & say 'duh' actually is a reverse duh, double dare on you!"

Bill comments on the Colton situation.  "As much as he assumed we spot-on judged him, he spot-on judged us & assumed that we wouldn't take him in."  Bill's tone completely changes later in Tribal Council when Probst asks if he's concerned about the vote.  Bill is jumpy, his eyes are wild, & his level of enthusiasm for Tribal Council is crazy.  It's like Cochran on mushrooms.
Bill: "You know, it's all fun & games until you're right here, right now, I mean, like, this is intense man, this is emotion right here, you know what I mean?  Like, we are sitting here, nobody knows who's gonna go home, I'm on the edge of my seat to see what happens, I'm SO jacked up right now.  I might go home, I might not, but I am so happy I got to play this game, man, like this is real intense, & there's nothing else like it here."

Everyone votes, & Matt the Rooster becomes a Capon.  There are a few unexplained votes in there - Bill votes for Matt, & Mike votes for Bill.  But who cares - so long, Douchey McTool!  Good luck selling that screenplay to Matthew McConaughey!

The chicken was rightfully his.  She trespassed.  He became...Enemy #1