In case we forgot that this season of Survivor is chock-full o'horrible people, we have this episode to remind us. The new Menudo returns to camp & Christina is shocked about Monica's departure. Alicia, not so much. "I'm sorry, but that was the funniest Tribal Council I've been to." Christina is literally tending the cinders of the fire while Colton & Alicia cackle & bully her. "No one's going to go off with you by themselves, Christina. You can go make an alliance with a hermit crab at this point." Colton calls her a cockroach, & continues spewing hate. "If, by some miraculous miracle you did make it to the merge, you're the first one to go. You're gone before any of the guys, you're gone before the girls." Alicia laughs & agrees "it's already done", before returning to petting her precious Colton. At night, Christina can't find a spot to sleep.
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| Only room for Leif in his coffin-box & HOW ARE YOU NOT AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BOARD IT UP? |
Alicia refuses to give Christina space to sleep, even though, you know, she's a person & all. "I don't care because you're gonna be gone. I really don't care."
I'm fairly convinced that later that night, Cindertina did make an alliance with a hermit crab (obviously her Fairy Godmother in disguise). After promising to improve Cindertina's plight, hermit crabs gathered to comfort her & they performed this classic:
Good morning, Salami! Over coffee, Kat recounts her dream in which Alicia killed her at the mall & OMG you guys, Kat is a prophet. A seer. She looks into her empty cup of coffee & sees an omen.
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| Death! (or a condition which could prove to be fatal if left untreated) |
The Reward Challenge is a trampolining-coconut, target-breaking event. First tribe to break 5 wins ice cream. Decadent, I'm sure, but not exactly a reward of any substance that will help in this game. If anything, it may cause upset tummies.
Colton & Alicia are particularly bad at this challenge, with Probst even calling Alicia "pathetic". Honestly, that girl has no business there. She's no good at challenges of any kind, & certainly has no idea how to play a social game. They both yell at Cindertina to run faster, with Colton adding a "Stupid fucking idiot" in there. Charming, this guy. My husband pointed out that Cindertina has nothing to lose at this point, so why was she not yelling at them, making sure everyone else noticed how useless they were? Menudo loses the challenge, of course.
Colton continues being Colton. "I'm just so ready for Christina to be gone. You can quit, or you can wait & go home in 2 days, or you can jump in the fire & be med-evac'd...whichever's more convenient for you. I hate her voice, I hate her face, I hate everything about her."
I have to say, I am a very big believer that you have to separate the game of Survivor from real life. Last season, Coach actually had a shot to win this game when he finally was willing to be deceitful, no matter how much he valued honour & integrity in everyday life. Russell was an ass when he played, but to me, he was always playing a role. I don't think Colton is playing a role, nor do I think he is acting this way because he has a plan. He's acting this way because he can. I think he's a spoiled brat who is kidding himself that he has power in this game, & it has gone to his head. I don't believe he is a particularly good person outside of this game. I think this is who he is, & that person is offensive & pretentious & ignorant. I feel more forgiving towards Alicia, as she was not aligned with Monica or Cindertina before the tribe switch, so she felt a target on her back. She's going along with Colton a little too heartily, but I don't think she's truly as awful as Colton. Not yet, anyway.
Moving on, Salami meets ice cream, which is so unappetizing I won't say another word about it.
Jonas finally realizes that Colton & Alicia are being unfairly mean to Cindertina. She finds a chance to speak to him & Leif about Alicia's alliance with the Salami girls, & Alicia appears behind her like a murderer. (No joke, at this point I thought the med-evac tease was leading to Alicia assaulting Christina.) Instead, Alicia starts a slow clap, & tells Cindertina she was caught, & that she sucks at this game. Meanwhile, it is Alicia who seems to have forgotten that at the end, you need votes to win.
Alicia covers herself in a huge scarf (while still managing to leave her girls exposed) & explains to the camera that she can't have Cindertina spilling her secrets & OMG I forgot that Alicia is a Special Ed teacher.
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| Hypothetically, if she taught my daughter, I would storm into that school & not leave. Not without my daughter. |
Alicia refuses to speak to Cindertina anymore, & it's clear why Colton is her partner in crime. "I'm done." lalalalala....
We saw at the first Tribal Council that Cindertina can hold her own against Alicia, but she seems resigned to the abuse now. Again, she has nothing to lose, so why not speak up about what a dictatorship this is & how exactly is it ok? So Colton has an idol? Flush it out or blindside him. Win-win. She's not running away in tears as I most definitely would be, so I guess that's something. Good for you, Cindertina.
Over the night, Cindertina's hermit crabmother is more vengeful than should be, & bibbity-bobbity-boos Colton's appendix into raging, inflamed pain. Throughout all his pain, Alicia is there for him, right?
Actually, we never see Alicia, & surprisingly it is Cindertina comforting Colton. Head in her lap, she's massaging his temples & she is the one who runs to call for the medical team. "If someone is sick & needs help, I'm gonna be there for them, you know?" Heart of gold, that Cindertina.
Jeff & the medical team enter camp, & Probst is at his most annoying with a play-by-play of the examination that appears to slow it down. It is determined that appendicitis is afoot, & Colton must be removed from the game. He can do whatever he wants with his Immunity Idol, so the tribe is called over to say goodbye. Everyone is suitably shocked to hear it's serious, but Alicia is only concerned about her game. "Call me a bad person, but all I kept thinking was strategy the whole time."
Jonas is emotional because Colton is such a fan & to leave the game this way sucks. I, too, hate when someone leaves the game due to injury. For instance, a broken wrist forced the whimsical manic pixie dream girl known as Kourtney to you, & future BFF to me, out of this season in the first episode.
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| I haven't seen ONE rainbow since she left, I'm just saying. |
And of course, there's this heartbreaking exit of one of my favourite Survivors of all time, Jonathan Penner, from Survivor: Micronesia.
It really is hard to feel sympathetic to Colton, though. If it had been anyone else, I might have given a damn. Jonas mentioned karma, & I'm sure that's what popped up in everyone's head watching these events unfold, but appendicitis can be quite serious & painful, so I don't know how comfortable I am saying it's karma.*
*just kidding - I'm totes comfy. Karma is a bitch.
Now the moment of truth - what will Colton do with his Immunity Idol? Give it to his evil partner Alicia? Throw a wrench into the game & give it to his nursemaid, Cindertina? Smother it in garlic & toss it to Leif to see if he really is a vampire? Nope, he's going to hang it on his pageant trophies in his bedroom at Daddy's house so his housekeeper who is a member of the family can keep it looking shiny & new. Alicia does not like. "Colton is a spoiled brat. He's going to keep the Immunity Idol for a souvenir even though he knows he screwed me the biggest, so you know what? Screw him." First of all, who says that to someone heading into surgery? Even if it's Colton, that's cold. Also, I love that Alicia feels screwed over by Colton's health emergency. That appendix had it out for her from the start.
With Colton gone, Cindertina puts her feelers out around camp & learns that while Tarzan thinks she's wonderful & successful, he won't be her friend. "I do respect you, Katrina." "Christina." "Yeah." Way to crush a girl's dreams, Tarzan.
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| Currently rejecting friendship requests. |
Both tribes are called to Tribal Council where Probst informs Salami that Colton was removed due to acute appendicitis. Jaws are dropped, & eyes widen, none more than Kat's. "What is that?" Leif shares that he has had his appendix removed & it was very painful, & Kat looks frightened. Kim reveals that she, too, is missing an appendix inside her body. Kat is genuinely terrified. It's pretty hilarious. Probst addresses her & she can't even concentrate.
"Kat, wouldn't be the first time somebody lied in this game."
"Touche....uh, I'm kinda worried about the appendix thing & how do I not get mine hurt."
Probst tells them to drop their buffs, & they are now a merged tribe of 12.
For humanity's sake, I guess we can all hope that this experience (& watching it back) has taught Colton 2 life lessons that my 7 year old already knows: You don't always get your own way. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated.
To the producers: please do not invite Colton back. Please.
UPDATE: I've just watched this video, & you should to, if by any "miraculous miracle" you thought Colton's comments were not racially motivated.
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