Friday, March 30, 2012

Survivor One World 24.7 Dropped Balls & Poopypants

The newly merged tribe returns to camp after Colton's dramatic exit due to acute appendicitis, which actually turned out to be a bacterial infection.  But, you know, whichever medical situation requiring evacuation is convenient for you.

Troyzan names the new tribe Tikiano, meaning "year of the god", but to me it just means one thing:

Troyzan is feeling good - he's made it to the merge, it's him against 11 people, & he is in his element.  Exactly how much is he enjoying this game?  Watch his audition video, & understand his awesomeness.  Monkeys AND supermodels...can you really beat that?

Jonas, the resident sushi chef, is preparing "young coconut, lightly carmelized", which he will then hit with sea water to manipulate the flavour to that of potato chips.  Potato chips!   "Let's keep this guy around forever", says nobody, much to my disbelief.

To pair with the coconut potato chips, Jay is brewing coffee.  Tarzan places his order for a White Chocolate Mochaccino with absolutely no foam or it will be thrown in a face, but Jay reminds him that he never won the coffee.  Sure, they're all one happy Keanu tribe now, but the lines are still drawn, & don't you forget it.  Tarzan is all whatevs, I don't like coffee anyway.  "I'm at the point where I'm not addicted anymore."  Congratulations, Tarzan!  I guess that means no irrational behaviour or outbursts, right? 

The Reward Challenge is an obstacle course in the sand. Survivors are randomly divided into 2 teams, & must dig a hole underneath a pole, crawl under more poles, & dig for puzzle pieces. First team to solve the turtle-shaped puzzle wins pizza, beer & a secret note.  Let me say that again: PIZZA AND BEER.  The holy grail of rewards, IMO.  Something you would be craving, but will also give you some amount of nutrition & strength to help you in the long run.  Screw you, ice cream parlour.

With so much of this challenge requiring staying low to the ground, you would think Lief, a fierce competitor up to this point, would have the advantage.  Not so.  He doesn't dig enough before trying to wiggle through, belly down, & he ends up stuck.  Probst: "Lief is like a turtle birthing out of the sand."  Is Probst actually plugging the turtle puzzle at the end of this challenge, or is this an accurate comparison?

Pretty astute, Probst.

And, of course, if the hole was barely big enough for Lief, it's not going to be big enough for anyone else on his blue tribe, so they are falling behind.  Kat runs the course, clutching her right side so her appendix won't fall out of her belly button.  Lief's tribe has a secret weapon, however....Mike the genie is on their tribe, & with a nod of his head, both teams start the puzzle at the same time.

Having a genie on your tribe should be enough to win, but when you put Tarzan on puzzle-solving duty, you're going to need more than magic.  Christina & Troyzan win the challenge for the orange tribe, & they will be feasting on pizza & beer along with Chelsea, Jay, Sabrina & Alicia.  Poor Kat reacts just like I do when the promise of pizza & beer is taken away: she's crying.

The orange tribe is enjoying their pizza & beer, & Jay lets out a huge burp & it's the manliest sound to come out of those pretty lips so far.

This is about as manly as the biker from The Village People, yet I am on board with this 100%.

The secret note informs them of a new hidden Immunity Idol back at camp, but that should be pretty obvious, no?  Look, if I wasn't in the pizza & beer group, I would be curled up in a ball, eating coconut potato chips, & weeping quietly to myself.  But after I pulled myself together, I would be looking for an idol while the cool kids are partying.  Instead, genie Mike tells Jonas that Tarzan has a plan.

Seriously, who stands like this?  Barbara Eden, that's who.

When Colton left, Jonas saw his chance to step up into the leadership role.  Now Tarzan's making plans without him?  Aw, hell no.  Jonas confronts Tarzan.  "When did the plans change & why am I the last guy to know?"  Tarzan starts yelling "Two days ago!" Jonas speaks in his slow, soothing voice, & Tarzan counters with "You are such a confused asshole, I really can't believe you."  Jonas is not having any of it.  "Stop fucking interrupting me.  I'm tired of your fucking bullshit."  Tarzan looks down & realizes he's fighting with a sushi chef who is armed with a knife, & he backs away slowly.  "Jonas, let's just admit it: I don't like you, don't talk to me anymore."  Colton, Alicia, & now Tarzan, all united in the 90s philosophy of "talk to the hand".  Again, you need votes to win this game.  From these people.  Why is that so hard for anyone to understand?

"I can only play this game so long before it's irritating."
Tarzan continues his rant: "I do not like Jonas.  I do not like that guy anymore.  When I say something, I mean it from my heart & I don't go back on it.  I can't look at his face anymore."  So lets all take note: he doesn't like Jonas, & that will never change.

A different 'Zan' altogether, Troyzan, wakes early & goes searching for the Idol.  He reaches into a tree hollow, & we are led to believe a monstrous crab is waiting to take his hand off.  Not only is there a shot of a crab in a tree hollow, but the shot zooms in until it is terrifying & I am dreaming of monster crabs all night.

Troyzan escapes with his life, & the Hidden Immunity Idol.  Despite assurances that idols would be harder to find without clues, every "hidden" idol this season has been in a very obvious spot.  But to guard it with the crab baby of Shelob & Aragog...that's clever.

On to the Immunity Challenge, during which my brain exploded.  So much sexual innuendo, I'm not even going to describe the challenge.  Just look at the picture & read the Probst quotes.

"Everybody grab your disc & your first ball."
"Everybody grab a second ball."
"Both balls drop."
"Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time."
"Jonas, balancing two balls on one edge, one ball on the other end of his disc."

and the winner...

"Michael, with both balls hanging on both sides of his disc."

hehehe balls.

Troyzan wins the first Individual Immunity & like a true Survivor superfan, he is ecstatic. "This is crazy! Do you know how long I've waited to feel this thing?"  If you're keeping count, this is the second Immunity Idol Troyzan happened upon in this episode.

The New Salami tribe has decided to stick together, as there are 7 of them & only 5 members of New Menudo.

Whatever you do, keep Ricky!

Even though he can make coconuts taste like potato chips, Jonas is going to be voted out, since he's the strongest of the weak.  Kim is sitting pretty, as Jonas is both a Menudo & a man, & she also has an Immunity Idol.  The force of Salami is strong in this one.

When Jonas hears his name has come up, he scrambles to make amends.  He apologizes to Tarzan who seems genuinely touched, even though he sounds very, very sarcastic.  "You're apologizing?  Really?  That brings tears to my eyes, thank you."  He actually is tearing up a little, though, so he's at that stage of caffeine withdrawl now.  "We're back together again", he declares.  Hey, remember when Tarzan said "I do not like that guy anymore.  When I say something, I mean it from my heart & I don't go back on it.  I can't look at his face anymore."?  Tarzan doesn't.

Another thing Tarzan doesn't do is wash his own underwear.  It's laundry day for the Keanu tribe & of course, this means gratuitous footage of laundering.

This long, lingering shot is so viewers at home can learn proper wringing technique, I guess.

Tarzan brings his dirty underwear to Sabrina & he swears the suspicious-looking stain is dirt, not poop.  "Then why is there dirt just concentrated in one area?" Sabrina refuses to look, & is fighting the urge to run away with flailing arms.  Tarzan's defense?  "If it's in boiling water, you dont have to worry...even if it was poop pants."  Chelsea puts her ocean-rinsed clothes in the boiling water, & Tarzan tosses his poopypants right on top of them, & reassures her.  "You're ok.  It's not poop, it's dirt.  I swear."

I don't think she believes him.

Chelsea responds with a death glare & says "I'm gonna go puke.  I'll be right back."

Break that 4th wall, Kat!

Disgusted by Tarzan's behaviour, Chelsea approaches the Prince of Persia about possibly voting out Mr. Poopypants instead of the guy who, once again, can make coconuts taste like potato chips.

They could totally be on a horse.  You know you know it.

Jay hates the dead weight that is Tarzan, but understands the danger in messing with a plan already in place.  Jay is not just a pretty face with a David Beckham voice; Jay is smart, & he will distract you with all of that pretty., whatever you want to do. *blush*

Pop quiz, Keanu tribe: you have one loose cannon with poopypants on one hand, & a nice chef who makes potato chips out of freaking coconuts on the other side.  What do you do?  What do you do?

At Tribal Council, Jonas points out how dangerous a strong competitor like Mike is.  Tarzan is filing for divorce again.  "I disrespect what Jonas just did.  I disrespect it deeply."  Yeah, why can't you just roll over & accept defeat, Jonas?  Defending yourself at Tribal Council?  The nerve.  Jonas tells Tarzan that his plan of voting Kat out is not going to happen.


Tarzan reminds us all that he's a plastic surgeon, & he's usually in charge of an operating room.  Yikes.  Can't say I'd want my life in the hands of Tarzan.

There goes that dream.

Tarzan has been burned one too many times by Jonas, who is trying to stay in the game for another few days.  Ugh, don't you just hate guys like that?  Tarzan votes for Jonus, & I'm impressed, because that's closer to Jonas than what Tarzan's been calling him for the past few weeks: Jason.  He realizes his mistake & fixes his error with a hasty line. 

Jonas is voted out, & heads over to Tarzan with a "No hard feelings, brother", & Tarzan responds with "Hard feelings to you", which sounds like an old-timey gentleman's way of saying "fuck you".
Jonas leaves with a smile, & "Good luck with the food situation!  Hahaha!"  May you all remember the sweet taste of the potato chips I created for you out of coconuts.

I can only assume that Tarzan is being kept around because he's no threat at challenges & would be a great person to take to the final 3...but at what cost?  At what cost?*

*Poopypants, loose lips, speedos & irrational outbursts

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