On a remote Polynesian island, 18 contestants are on their way to compete in season 24 of Survivor while Jeff Probst is hanging out of a helicopter above them. Clearly the man has been aching for the adventurous days of seasons past.
We are introduced to a few members of the cast, & Jay is the first one to make me laugh. Jay is a model with a serious case of the David Beckhams. (There's a reason Beckham doesn't open his mouth in the H&M commercial.) I hope Survivor just plays The Animals whenever Jay speaks.
While the contestants ride in on a truck, LOST's Frank Lapidus lands Probst's helicopter safely on the island, & then joins the cast, only he calls himself "Tarzan" now.
|I had to go back.|
Probst singles out Kourtney (for adorableness, I presume!) & asks where she sees herself fitting in with the other women, who aren't wearing knit orca hats, a super cute dress, & tattoos. She says she fits nowhere, & I say you fit next to me, hanging out, & our 7 year old sons can be friends when we're not doing jagerbombs together & I love you.
|My new spirit animal.|
Probst announces the tribes are split men vs women, & Colton, a gay college student, is horrified. This throws a huge wrench into his long-term strategy, which was counting on girls loving him & guys underestimating him.
There is no Redemption Island this year, & I couldn't be happier about that. As I've said before, Redemption Island lessened the impact of Tribal Council, & players ended up with a really weak final exit. Also, think about how much Ozzy we could have been spared last season if there had been no Redemption Island...or don't think about it, if it makes you want to weep for all that could have been.
Probst gives everyone 60 seconds to strip the truck of supplies like tarps, knives, food, & wood. Michael just runs back & forth between the 2 piles, blatantly stealing from the other tribe. He is a banker, though, so I guess it's all he knows. Zing! Nailed it. The girls are pissed when they discover they pretty much only have their coconuts left. Yes.
Probst sends them in different directions to their camps, which are actually right next to each other. Jeff, you're such a tricksy guy, now I don't know what to believe anymore. Are those dimples even real?
|Actually shot through the cheeks with a crossbow.|
The tribe names are Salani & Manono, so obviously I will be referring to them as Salami & Menudo from this point on. Before anyone can decide how they feel about the camps being together, chickens are spotted. Now we are introduced to Matt Quinlan, Attorney at Law, who is desperately trying to scratch a contract in the sand stating that both parties will work together, & upon the retrieval of any chickens, these chickens will then be split evenly between the two parties. However, these chickens are running around to banjo music, so you know they're running like feathery mofos. No time for your lawyering, Matt, just try to catch some damn chickens.
Chelsea catches 2 chickens, so obviously she's a freakin' rockstar in the chicken corralling world, & if there isn't such a place, she should create it & rule as its supreme leader because she's awesome. I'm not even going to make a joke about her ending up with a cock in each hand. That's how impressed I am.
Matt Quinlan, Attorney at Law, is all "Cool beans, you caught 2 chickens with the power of pure awesomeness, so I'll let you choose which one you'd like to just give to me." And he smiles & waits expectantly & I realize he must have legally changed his name because who would hire a lawyer named Douchey McTool? Chelsea, supreme leader of Chicken Corralling World, says "You know what? I'm going to have to talk to the girls about this." Douchey McTool is pissy, because they had a deal. Anyone looking to hire Matt Quinlan, Attorney at Law should know that he may not be aware that possession is 9/10ths of the law. They should also check out his Matt Quinlan, Attorney at Law site, because he clearly thinks people hire lawyers based on how handsome they look while talking on the phone, hanging out next to files, & buttoning suit jackets.
|This photo was named "Missionandglare" on the site. For realz.|
The girls want to keep both chickens, especially since banker Michael stole their supplies right at the start. The girls start petting the chickens, & they may decide to just keep them as pets. They already have a pet in Colton, however, as he was totally right about girls loving him. They ooh & ahh over him like he's a puppy. It's a little overkill. "I love you already!"
The Salami girls are thinking about bargaining with Menudo - some want to trade the chickens, Alicia wants to trade Monica's naked body. Yay, girl power? Kat, who is as plucky as an old-timey newsboy, has a conversation with Kim about the importance of fire to the tribe.
Kat: "I just want to see you guys! I want to talk more!"
Kim: "I want the campfire setting. It's all about the ambiance."
Kat: "Me too! Me too...what is that? Ahm-bee-ance?"
|We ain't got no ahm-bee-ance in Brooklyn.|
Back to handsome model Jay, who starts talking & ruins the illusion again. He has adolescent Justin Timberlake voice with adult Justin Timberlake body. This is confusing, but I am so confident in this assessment that I give you proof: the "Meet Jay" CBS video vs young Justin Timberlake on a Mickey Mouse Club episode. Can you tell the voices apart?
Monica & Christina steal embers from Menudo's fire at night, but fail to keep it alive until the morning. Christina is tired of this, & says she wants fire for its ability to boil water & cook food & stuff, but really, I bet she wants ambiance. Like, did nobody bring marshmallows?
Christina strikes a deal with Menudo - the girls will weave palm fronds in exchange for a fire made by the boys. Alicia isn't happy with this because she wasn't controlling the situation, so she now has a hate-on for Christina.
Meanwhile, Sabrina happens upon a hidden immunity idol, but it turns out it's an idol that can only be used by a member of Menudo, which makes sense, as this is the idol she found:
The first immunity challenge is an obstacle course that starts with a 25' drop into a net, a balance beam & a rope bridge. Probst warns everyone several times to land on their backs with their arms tucked in, although these may have been added in post-production, argues Matt Quinlan, Attorney at Law, representing Kourtney of the Wood Sprites. Almost all the women land on their hands, but only my whimsical Kourtney injures herself doing do. Medics see to her & take her away for X-Rays to determine if it's broken. Probst declares that by the rules, the game is over & the men have won, as they were winning when it came crashing to a halt. He then tells them they could continue the game to give the girls a shot, but the guys are all like, "Nah, it's cool. We'll take the immunity now."
Salami is shocked, but really, what do you expect? It's the very first Survivor challenge these guys have ever played - you think they want to actually finish it? Back at camp, Douchey McTool attempts to placate the girls with "I felt like we were going to beat you guys anyway."
Sabrina gives Menudo's Immunity Idol to Colton, who turns Supervillain on us! Not so cute & cuddly - he's like a vicious panda now that he has an idol to protect him. He has plans for Matt, & here they are: "We're gonna cut his throat faster than Taylor Swift can write a song about an ex-boyfriend."
|OMG YOU GUYS, HE'S USING ME FOR EVIL!!!!!|
At Tribal Council, Probst asks the girls 1 question, & Barbara, Whoopie, Sherri & Elisabeth all start talking at once. Probst pauses for a moment, injects himself with some testosterone, & continues. Alicia & Christina disagree about the weaving-fire incident, & I think maybe last season's Christine & Stacey did get their Good Morning Long Island talk show, & Christina watches it all the time, because she is well-versed in both eye-rolling & outbursts. Kat Bieber is mediating the disagreement.
|I was like, baby, baby, baby, no ahm-bee-ance?|
Probst informs the Salami tribe that Kourtney did indeed break her adorable wrist & needs surgery, so she is out of the game. No one else is going home, but Probst reminds them to get their shit together. "Right now, the guys are thinking, 'those women are all over the map. We have them right where we want them: Nutsville.'"
So this season's premiere episode featured a half-completed Immunity Challenge, a found hidden Immunity Idol, which were supposed to be harder to find this season, & no voting at Tribal Council, because the most adorable contestant had to leave the game in the worst way ever: because of an injury.
|Oh, how I miss you already.|