Thursday, May 10, 2012

Survivor One World: 24.13 Baby Blues & a Boat

A few things to get to before the recap: first up is the exciting news that I won a buff from Jeff Probst for my LEGO Survivors!  I must thank my son's extensive LEGO collection, because they have won me buffs 2 seasons in a row.  I will put up with LEGO permanently embedded in my feet for this.

Next up are the Ponderosa videos nobody wants to see, because it's a very, very distressed Kat, & nobody wants to see Kat cry.  She does, & it's a terrible amount.  It's so interesting to see how trusting people can be in this game.  Kim is doing a helluva job out there, whether you like her game or not.  The videos will be posted at the end of the recap.

Thirdly, I'm guessing that Troyzan will win Player of the Season.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to vote for my manic pixie dream girl, so I encourage you to do the same & make Kourtney the first pre-merge player to get at least close to winning the Player of the Season.  Because imagine how pissed that would make Alicia.  Do it for that alone.  Vote for Kourtney here, but only Kourtney, & if you vote for anyone else your computer/phone/tablet will self-implode.

Sad Orca will be sad if you don't vote.

Now on to the show.  The Final 6 return to the Keanu camp after blindsiding Kat.  They feel a little guilty, but they're kind of giggling about her ironic comment about blindsides being funny & exciting.  At that moment, Kat was falling apart in Troyzan's arms, still in shock that she was betrayed.

Kat left before Crabby McClawsters & his 7UP bottles?  COME ON.

Tarzan is optimistic as Kat leaving has broken the voting-out-a-male chain.  He feels slightly safe, like he's wearing I right?  Anyone?  Tarzan reveals he has a subplot, but won't reveal it, even in his confessional, where he's kind of expected to reveal stuff exactly like this.  He approaches Kim & tells her what her best strategy will be: To take Christina & Alicia, & when Tarzan's on the jury, he'll convince them to vote for Kim.  Kim says "Whatever, crazy old man, I'm not listening to you", except she doesn't say anything like that, & proceeds to confide in him.  In Tarzan.  "I just start to wonder if Alicia is really going to want to take me."  Alicia shows up & agrees that she likes that Final 3 scenario.  Kim walks away, & Alicia then confides in Tarzan.

OMG why is everyone believing Tarzan really wants to help them win?

Alicia lies down on a couch & reveals her doubts - can she beat Kim?  I mean, obviously she can win against that evil lump of a Survivor, Christina. Christina is apparently so unbelievably awful that CBS can't even air the footage of her tyranny, leaving every viewer to wonder WHAT ABOUT CHRISTINA IS SO HORRIBLE?!?  But back to Kim: can Alicia really win against her?  Cue Tarzan, who now promises to get the jury to vote for Alicia.

Tarzan now decides he can reveal a portion of his strategy.  The strategy he has just now come up with, because he has decided to start playing the game.  "I've been doing this in segments: don't be the first one voted out.  Make it to the merge.  Make it to seeing my wife.  Make it to number 4...& maybe slipping in to number 3.  Even if I make it to 3 & lose, it won't be a terrible thing.  I just won't buy shocks for my car.  That's all."  Am I really out of the loop on how much shocks cost?  Because Tarzan is saying that he can't afford shocks if he wins any amount less than $1,000,000.

Chelsea sees that the Keanu tribe is split down the centre.  "I genuinely think that Alicia, Christina & Tarzan think that they have Kim in their alliance, which is great, because I know she's got my back."  You know who else thought that?

Honey Badger cares now.

Chelsea tries to break Christina from her alliance by promising to take her along on the reward, if she should win.  She mentions that Tarzan might be dangerous because the men might vote for him just to spite the women, & also, don't repeat any of this.  Christina says "Yeah, I'll just keep it quiet."  Christina then tells everyone & everything she comes across what went down.

"Did you hear?  Did you hear?" "Tell me everything, my dear, & I promise you I'll never tell a soul"

On to the Reward Challenge, where they will unscrew discs by spinning around, then use the discs to make a decoder puzzle which will give them 3 numbers to use in a combination to release a flag.  I'm dizzy already.  Reward is an afternoon/night on a yacht, involving cocktails, a shower, & a feast, of course.  I don't even understand how Kim is so thin right now.  She should be putting on weight, with the amount she has eaten.

Chelsea wins, possibly redeeming herself after that puzzle she & Alicia couldn't solve even while looking at a completed version.  Who will she take with her?  Christina pops a few Gravol pills to ward off the seasickness she is sure to be feeling soon, & Chelsea clears her throat.  Someone has a speech.  "I just know Kat caught a lot of grief for who she chose in the last reward, so I'm gonna play it fair like I've played this whole game...& I think Sabrina needs to go with me."  Pick a second person.  "Kim."

You've been double-Swifted.

The Final 3 Varsity Team are enjoying the boat.  So I kind of have to do this.

Chelsea is showering, & Kim is feeling more like herself what with all the pampering & champagne (note to self: become a bridal shop owner cuz apparently they be livin' the life).  Back at Keanu, Alicia is pissed, Christina seems mildly annoyed, & Tarzan is trying to tell a push-up bra-wearing Alicia all about the benefits of breast reduction, but he is shut down.

I'm actually more interested in a breast increasion.  That's a word, right?  I'm a teacher.

They decide they want to vote out Chelsea, & Alicia trusts that Kim will side with them.  Tarzan suggests that Kim & Chelsea may be a team deceiving all of them, & that he may be a better choice to take to the end.

Back on the boat, Kim is feeling more confident in her Varsity Final 3.  If only there was a way to split the solid alliance made up of the 2 girls who hate each other & the crazy old man.  Hmmmm.

Tarzan is having trouble dealing with the estrogen level around Keanu.*  He is having a hilarious breakdown.  "My plans for the day are: fix me some coconut stew, start the fire, clean my clothes, wash my hair again, & prepare to be defeated at some kind of contest, later today." 

Don't be alarmed, it's just a cry for help.  It's a cooler, not an oven.

He continues with the grumpy old man bit while preparing his coconut stew.  Alicia asks what he's doing with the coconut, which is sitting in his dirty buff, & he growls "Don't worry about it."  Alicia says, "You're not using your buff to drain that...or puree it...or whatever you call it."  Yeah, it's clear Alicia has never spent much time in a kitchen.  I believe strain is the word she was looking for, or maybe even filter.  But not even close to "drain" or "puree".

Kim, with her hair that has been freshly shampooed for the 2nd time in the past 33 days, is talking with Alicia.  Alicia reveals that Tarzan has been telling everyone that Kim is a threat.  Kim then deftly plays Alicia, saying things like "Imagine if Tarzan was really a mastermind."  They discover that Tarzan had promised them both the same thing, & limbs go flying all over the place as Kim convinces Alicia that his plan is probably to take Christina to the end, & they almost got "Tarzaned" (oh no, it has become a thing, hasn't it?)!  Nicely done.

Alicia says she's happy she avoided looking like an idiot in front of everybody.

She goes on a rantic about how Tarzan is not going to play her.  "Now you're trying to work your social game?  I am the Queen of the social game."  With all this laughing, I'll soon have abs like Kim.  "I'm the most powerful player & I'm gonna remain the most powerful player."

At the Immunity Challenge, we find out what happens when Barrel of Monkeys & Heathcliff combines.  It's my childhood in an Immunity Challenge, you guys!

Survivors must pick up bags of fish bone puzzle pieces with fish hooks, fit the pieces into a fish skeleton, & do all of that with one hand tied behind their back.  We wouldn't want anyone to break a wrist because of incompetent instructions or anything.

Now, when it comes to Survivor & puzzles, I would make sure that it's perfect.  This is what Christina does, as hers is the only fish skeleton that has its pieces in proper order for it to actually look right.

Difficult to see, but Christina's is the only perfect one.

I guess perfection wasn't the objective here?

Alicia wins Immunity & gets quite emotional as she finally has something to keep those girls under wraps.

Back at Keanu, Kim tells her Final 3 Varsity Team that she's pretty sure 2/3rds of the JV team will vote out Tarzan because they think he's been playing them.  But she's not going to give Chelsea her Immunity Idol, because she might need it herself.  Sabrina comments "Kim bats her baby blues & looks right at's really hard to not believe Kim."

"This isn't offensive to anybody if I wear this, right?" Tarzan says as he turns around wearing Kat's tank top, with her bikini bottoms on his head.  I'm having flashes of Norman Bates.

Future Survivors: ALWAYS take your bag with you to Tribal.

At Tribal Council, Tarzan gives it one more shot, although he knows he might have blown his subplot by being a grumpy old man.  He makes the point that the men don't like him, since he helped vote them out, & nobody wants to give the money to a millionaire.  Again, why can't you afford shocks for your Jeep?  The girls bring up the bikini situation & Tarzan says "I'm not afraid of those panties at all."  Cut to Kat (who looks gorgeous, BTW) wiping a tear from her eye.

98% sure this is a random shot of emotional Kat at Tribal, but Tarzan was wearing her stuff, so...

Tarzan is voted out, & thanks everyone for the adventure.  He then leaves us with a bit of prose not seen since Semhar's spoken word.

"To win Survivor is the goal
if a million bucks lifts your soul.
You must outwit, outplay, outlast
or be a savage soon outcast.
Expect there'll be so much to see
people will lie & they will cheat."

Goodbye, Tarzan.  You decided to start playing the game about 6 Tribal Councils too late.

Don't forget the season finale is this Sunday night! I'll be live-tweeting it, if you want to join in the conversation: @MomOfKai

As always, if you are in the US, you can watch Kat's  Ponderosa webisodes at, & I have them posted here for the rest of us.  I must warn you - your heart will weep for this girl.

*Best sentence in the history of sentences.

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