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| Survivors, ready? |
Last season I received a fantastic response to my all-LEGO recap, so much so that when I tweeted Jeff Probst a photo, he sent me a signed buff. Given that once again we're down to the Final 7, I thought I would attempt another LEGO recap. With 6 women & 1 man left, it proved more difficult this season (not so many LEGO bikini bodies), & I am most regretful that we have no LEGO pink hoodies. But I'm very pleased with Tarzan & Alicia.
The Keanu tribe returned to camp after they vanquished Troyzan from the game he so loved.
Our resident honey badger, Kat, is wondering what Troyzan could have meant by his parting words to her, "Do it.", but is having no luck deciphering this cryptic message. Do what? Take control of the game? Sabotage Kim? Party & get drunk? The possibilities are endless until you pass out wasted, really.
Kim is physically relieved that Troyzan, the only other person who seemed to be trying to win this game, is gone. Christina doesn't look so relieved as she has to explain to everyone why she voted for Chelsea. She tells everyone that Troyzan got her to switch, which plays right into the "take me to the finals because nobody would vote for me" strategy I hope she's playing behind the edit.
Alicia suddenly wants to keep Christina around. "Tribal tonight showed how stupid Christina is. Seeing Christina answer those questions in front of the jury just made her look dumb. Sabrina actually can talk & she can sway them the more she's left here." The more she's left here?
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| "OK, 'The longer she stays here', better? I don't have time for this. I'm a teacher." |
Tree Mail brings a "Sprint Video Phone", which, you know, can't we just call it a phone now? Everyone gathers to watch messages from their loved ones, & everyone cries, no one more than Chelsea & Christina. Also me. I'm crying buckets just watching them cry. I am a slave to emotional manipulation.
The loved ones all made these videos while on the island, so this bit of product placement doesn't even make sense anymore. We're going to see these reunions in 10 minutes. Oh, I forgot they'll get to take photos with their phone so they never forget these moments which are being filmed by a camera crew & broadcast internationally. I'm just saying, at least the 7UP cooler is doing its job.
Sabrina's brother says "your absence is a void in everyone's heart." I'm pretty sure I've gone 30 days without seeing my brother, & I did alright. (I know, it's different out there, they're all alone...I'm just trying to keep myself from cryi...damnit.)
Alicia's sister Leticia greets her with a threat. "All I have to say is you better win the next challenge because I had to work 2 doubles to make this trip happen." Must be such a fun family to be around.
Christina's Dad says "I hope you're not suffering as much as I am", & we learn that he recently had a kidney transplant & may only have 5-10 years left to live. And now he's in Samoa to see his daughter. Survivor, you didn't even need to add the sad piano music. I've embraced my tears by now.
Tarzan cries while watching his wife Terri's video message, & the fact that I'm weepy over Tarzan cements my thoughts on how these visits should go down, which is how Sabrina sees things. "There's some people that need to see their family because they may not have that much longer here on earth. Tarzan is in a 30 year marriage, he's 64, they don't have children, it's just...I hope the other women are kinda thinking like that, not being too selfish."
At the Reward Challenge, Probst calls out the loved ones, making Tarzan wait until last to see his wife. First he has to watch everyone else's tearful reunions, & a strange, possibly inappropriate reunion between Kat & her cousin, involving crawling & straddling. "We work together, we live together, we breathe together!" Probst tells Chelsea she looks like a little girl with her Father. Jeff, that is called a smile, & it's the first one we've seen from Chelsea this entire season. Finally Probst calls Tarzan's wife out, & they embrace on the ground & it's pretty damn sweet. She tells Jeff "Take him away & I'm lost." Probst asks Tarzan how he's stayed connected with Terri while he's been out there, & if Tarzan was media-savvy he would have said "With my Sprint Video Phone" & smiled right into a camera. Instead, he goes a different route & says "Well, we're soul-mates, so we're always connected. We have a quantum entanglement."
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| Shut your mouth, you romantic bastard. |
"When pairs of particles are created simultaneously under the right circumstances, they can become linked in such a way that they continue to be connected no matter how far apart they become."
"Change the spin of one entangled particle, & the spin of the other changes instantaneously; they are bound together in an almost magical way - again, no matter how far apart they get from each other."
COME ON. That is pretty much as romantic as science can get.
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| Tarzan: Romantic Bastard. |
The challenge is a rope course that must be untangled (this part will be hard for Tarzan & Terri who can NEVER become untangled) while connected to your loved one (which is easy for Tarzan & Terri because they're ALWAYS connected). First team to make it to the end wins a feast & margaritas. But isn't the real reward here the time you get to spend with your loved one?
*This just in: Kat says "No, it's actually the margaritas".
Honey badger takes what it wants, & honey badger wants margaritas so it takes them. Kat & her cousin win the challenge & dance over to Probst who tells them to choose 1 Survivor & their loved one to join them. "Kim." Probst points out, "Even though Kim didn't choose Kat last time, Kat is choosing Kim this time." He gives Kat 1 more person to choose, & she picks Alicia. Probst wants the others to have lots to think about when they're alone back at camp, so he adds "Alicia, who also went on the last reward without Kat." But hang on, Kat has a logical explanation for choosing these girls. Clearly, strategy must be behind this tough decision. "I've been wanting to hang out with these 2 girls for a very long time. Just us...AND alcohol! I mean, margaritas...I'm about to get drunk!" In your face, soul-mates who must be missing each other SO much, & Father/Daughter with limited time together! Young, healthy sisters & cousins are way more important! Suck on that! Honey badger don't care! Honey badger wants to drink!
Everyone agrees that Kat should have picked Tarzan & Christina. If you're not going to make a strategic decision, make one based on, like, being a human being. It could have been strategic, too! If you're expecting Tarzan & Christina to be on the jury, don't you think they'd remember something nice like letting them spend time with their ill Father or SOUL-MATE? But honey badger don't care. "I'll just eat my cake, get drunk, & I'll go back to the tribe & deal with them later."
The loved ones are all sitting around & Kat's cousin says "So what's the dizzle?" *cue record scratch*
WHAT'S THE DIZZLE is a thing that guy just said. Process that.
Kim & her six-pack want to go to the final 3 with Alicia & Kat, & here's why: "I don't think Alicia will get many votes. She's not well-liked, but she's delusional about that. And Kat, she would be the person that would have a show, like, How $1,000,000 Ruined My Life, & she doesn't know where she spent the money." Please, Kim. We all know she would spend it on shots.
Back at camp, Kim says she thought about letting a few challenges go so she doesn't seem like a huge threat, but she doesn't feel safe, so if she can win them, she'll win them.
Off to the Immunity Challenge, where the dizzle is this: they have to stand on a ledge over the water, holding onto a rope behind them that will become longer whenever a teal-shirted Probst feels like it. The more rope they get, the closer they get to the water, making it harder to hold themselves up. This must be the kind of challenge that is harder than it looks, because one by one, everyone jumps off or steps down, until it is down to Kat & Kim.
Kat loses her grip & falls into the water, tearful as Kim wins Immunity. Kim wants a high-five but honey badger don't care. "To lose to someone who's 28 years old, who's 6 years older than me, that's like...how embarrassing is that?" How old does Kat think 28 is?!?
As they make their way back to camp, a beautiful mermaid pops up to splash Jeff Probst, & yes, it is the magical Kourtney Moon.
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| She is my spirit animal. |
Alicia, meanwhile, has changed her mind about wanting Sabrina gone, as Sabrina was the first one out of the challenge, & now Kat seems like more of a threat. "Homegirl brought it." But that's not why she wanted to take Sabrina out in the first place: how she performs in challenges has nothing to do with her ability to persuade the jury or control the game. And why is Alicia surprised that Kat lasted so long when she's been a strong competitor all along?
At Tribal Council, Troyzan walks in with the rest of the jury & attempts to kill them all with his glare.
Kat says winning the reward & leaving some people out hurt her feelings. Jeff says "Huh?" & Kat explains, "Yeah, cuz I don't wanna see their faces be mad...I was thinking, 'who would I have a great time with?'" Sabrina rolls her eyes & wholeheartedly agrees that strategy had nothing to do with Kat's decision, as she's 22 & just wants to have fun. Kat nods enthusiastically. "I am 22, I am a little naive." Chelsea says the 22 year old thing is "her way out every time she screws up. Every time someone gets on her case about how selfish she is, she says 'I'm 22, get off my back'...22 is not that young."
Honey badger is like WTF guys. "Is this whole Tribal Council about me?" She will fight you all. Probst then says the words "deserves to still be here", & Jay & Leif move to physically restrain Troyzan before he chokes Kim.
Sabrina comments on Kat's high-five snubbing of Kim. Honey Badger has had enough. "Dude, what is this?" Honey badger came here for the fun & exciting blindsiding of Sabrina. Can't we just get to that? Kat says, "If it is gonna be a blindside, it's gonna be pretty funny & pretty exciting." Probst says "Huh?" & Kat says, "I don't know, cuz blindsides are always fun & exciting, you know, you're always like 'whaa?' I always get excited when something like that goes down, & if it does, cool beans. If it doesn't...touche, whatever."
It's a cool beans kind of Tribal Council as Kat is blindsided. She is shocked, & gives a tearful last statement. "I'm proud of myself, but, like, I just don't believe it was my time to go, &, like, I left before Christina & Tarzan, like, are you kidding? I'm so embarrassed, I'm gonna go down as the most naive person in the whole game. I'm gonna beg Jeff to let me play again so I can redeem myself."
Touche, honey badger, touche.
Which brings us to Ponderosa, where the boys, I'm sure, gave Kat a nice welcome. Americans can view Troyzan's arrival & first few days at cbs.com, & here they are for the rest of us:
1 comment:
Awesomeness!
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