Friday, March 01, 2013

Survivor: Caramoan - The Shamar Whisperer - 26.3

Here in Canada, the last Wednesday of every February is Anti-Bullying Day, more commonly known as Pink Shirt Day.  After attending a school assembly which seemed to have one purpose - to make me cry (have you guys seen the Mitchell video? It's basically Rudy in real life but more heartwarming) - I watched my son receive a 4A award for kindness.  Then I found myself sitting down to watch a Survivor bully his own tribe relentlessly.  And now I sit down to poke fun at Survivor(s) & it feels icky.  Not that I'm ever terribly mean in this little blog, but it really is more difficult to discuss certain Survivors, because they are clearly struggling with something.  They're people, not just characters for our amusement.  It would be nice if the casting department would take that into account instead of exploiting troubled minds for ratings.  That said, I'm trying my best to be kind today. 

The Fans return to camp after voting Allie out, & Reynold is not a happy Cool Kid.  "We are not friends."  Reynold isn't going anywhere, however, as he has an idol, & he's needed for his challenge badassery.  The Not Cool Kids & the Cool Kids are going to have to work together to make their tribe more cohesive.

That doesn't seem like such a challenge - even though separate groups have splintered off, everybody seems to get along.  Everybody, aside from one difficult person.  Shamar isn't a fan of Reynold's blunt statements, & the thought that someone may associate Wreck-It Ralph with somebody other than himself sends him off on another tirade.  Laura thought he'd calm down since she helped keep him around, but nope.  He's gloating that the Cool Kids' plan to vote him out didn't work, but he's also yelling at the Not Cool kids.  We see Shamar scream at Julia & at Matt, who's immediately identifiable as a parent, talking to a child calmly while he rides out his tantrum.  Little did I know that when I associated Shamar with Shemar Moore, it would essentially forever ruin Shemar Moore for myself.

You double-underlined My Girl! Didn't that mean anything to you?

Eddie & Reynold are contemplating the oddball world they are living in where they are not at the top of the totem pole. "It's like Revenge of the Nerds", says Reynold.  But the Alpha Betas know it's only a matter of time before Shamar annoys the Not Cool Kids to their breaking point, so they'll just ride it out.

Not if Sherri has anything to say about it.  She has a way with Shamar that nobody else does.  She calms him, soothes him, & he respects her.  Sherri is...The Shamar Whisperer (coming to a theatre soon, starring Sandra Bullock & Shemar Moore).

Thanks to @robstaboobuzzer for this horrific bit of awesomeness.

Taking Shamar aside, she deals with him just like she deals with the "snotty teenaged brats" who used to work for her at various franchises before they quit en masse first thing Thursday morning.  Shamar is all Woe is me, these games are so immature & childish & man, I wish Sherri had just started screaming "Let it be childish!" over & over.  I mean, who knew there would be so much lying in Survivor?  Certainly not a recruit, as Shamar thinks it has no place in the game.

Watching Shamar on Survivor feels wrong.  I'm sure the enticement of fame greater than a viral YouTube video, & $1,000,000 appealed to him.  But seeing this guy - this war vet - struggle with not only the game, but with general social interaction feels similar to watching Brandon in that you feel like they've been cast for your amusement & they're not in on the joke.  Sure, if one of them wins $1,000,000, then the joke is on CBS...but is that ever going to happen, realistically?  Ever?  Quit making me feel like a bully for watching your show, CBS.

Someone who is in on the joke, & knows exactly why he is on this show, is Phillip.  Someone whose particular brand of "crazy" seems pretty damn quaint in this season.  Aw, he thinks he's being difficult to deal with.  That's so cute!  The Specialist gives us a run down on how, at 54 years old, he is in such good shape.  The kind of shape where you feel comfortable parading around in pink undies.  You see, he plays basketball with guys half his age & twice his height, & OF COURSE he has a signature move:  I get a rebound, I sprint to the corner, do a double-dribble.  Then it's just a jump to the left, & a step to the right.  I put my hands on my hips & bring my knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives them insane, leaving me open for *swoosh* nothing but net, baby.

Within the Stealth R Us alliance (er, corporation?), Dawn & Cochran played together on South Pacific, & Phillip & Andrea played together on Redemption Island.  This leaves Corinne & Malcolm to bat their blue eyes at each other.  If only Penner had been back this season.  *Sigh*

Once again, Malcolm finds himself searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol with a lady, & upon finding it, does a cute little dance with her.  Unlike his previous dance partner, Denise, Corinne wraps herself around Malcolm first.

Get it, girl.

The ever resourceful Specialist has re-purposed a lid (from the rice?) into a hat that serves as a cooling system.  Cochran is intrigued, & is as delighted with his new air-circulating hat as he was with the revelation of wringing out a soaked buff above his head.

"Back at home, I'm waiting the whole week long for Wednesday night at 8 to arrive so I can turn on CBS to see what's in store.  But when you're playing this game, every single day is like Wednesday night at 8...I get to watch Survivor while I'm playing Survivor."

Andrea wants Corinne out because she has way too many intense conversations with Malcolm, & how can you trust someone like that?  Andrea asks that question in a series of intense conversations.

Andrea asks Brandon if he would consider voting with her, to get Corinne out.  Brandon is in, despite Andrea possessing tempting lady parts.  He feels safe at the moment, but "there's a voice in the back of my head saying, You've been done like this before."  The voice has informed Brandon that if he does get done like that again, his go-to move when he's feeling revengeful will be to pee in the rice & beans, & burn the shelter down TO THE GROUND.

Over at The Fans, someone else is wrestling with their inner self.  A little too late, Shamar decides he doesn't want to be "the angry black man" on Survivor this year.  He wants his happiness back, & if that means quitting Survivor, that's what he'll do.  Shamar shares with us a bunch of reasons why he never should have been cast: "After I came home from Iraq, I had a very tough time adjusting to life outside of the military.  I was an alcoholic & I had a lot of anger issues."  Why, yes, we should isolate you with a bunch of strangers & force you to worry about dehydration every waking minute, possibly filling your head with thoughts of the last time you were so damn thirsty, like in the desert somewhere, fighting a war.  You may get so agitated that you become harmful to yourself & your tribe.  APPROVED.

The Shamar Whisperer attempts to reverse this decision to quit by appealing to his honour - it works.  He calls Sherri "My lady" & suddenly Shemar Moore & I are back on.  Reynold is laughing in the background at this turnaround.  Shamar "made himself a hero for unquitting the game of Survivor that 50,000 people would line up for days just to get a chance to play...That's no heroic move in my book."

Off to the Immunity Challenge, which is many levels of awesome.  First, they race into the water.


When they get to a bamboo cage, they climb over it until they are inside.


Inside the cage, on the ocean floor, is a heavy chest & a door which needs to be untied.  Everyone has to drag the chest back to shore.


The chest goes on an unfinished track, where, using a grappling ring, they will put the pieces in place to push the chest to the end.  Just like in a LEGO video game where you have to find the pieces for the path before you can push an object.  Why isn't this my LEGO recap week?  WHY?


The winning tribe gets Immunity & the Outdoor Living Package from Pier 1 Imports.  Probably not, but that would have been product placement that makes sense & doesn't overwhelm the entire episode.  One World's 7UP episode, I'm looking at you.

Probst gives The Fans & The Faves a moment to strategize, but we don't see any disagreements like last week, so all is well.

Aside from Shamar leaving Michael hanging, that is.

Both tribes make it back to shore at roughly the same time, & the first grappling hook tossers are Malcolm & Reynold.  It's now safe to assume they're arch-enemies when it comes to throwing things, right?  Reynold hooks the first track, & Malcolm (with The Hair tied back) is unsuccessful.  Malcolm gives up & lets The Specialist get this first piece.  Malcolm tries again & manages to hook the next piece whilst The Hair is falling out of its constraints.  Brandon is now the tosser, & Malcolm runs to the back of the tribe & shakes The Hair out in slow motion before saying, "Flip it."

Consider it flipped.

Brandon gets flustered, but after a few more tries, he gets it.  And with that, Probst surrenders the Idol & patio furniture to The Hair.  It was epic, I tell you.

Faced with Tribal Council for the second week in a row, The Fans are relieved that Shamar will bow out gracefully.  After all, he was only staying these few extra days out of loyalty to his lady.  Imagine the new, harmonious tribe that will emerge from this vote!  Reynold tries to say something, & Shamar shuts him down.  "Don't say anything. You're disgusting."  And why is Shamar being so dismissive?  Reynold wouldn't share the goggles.  Yes, that is why.  "That was disrespectful, I think you're disgusting, stop talking to me."  Somewhere, Whitney Duncan knows who will walk her down the aisleWe've both been vilified, y'all

Surprise!  Shamar wants to stay in the game now, & Laura is a little concerned because she was the weakest swimmer for The Fans.  Honestly, though, it kind of looks like Laura is running the show over at the Fan camp.  She decided it would be Allie last week, & while it has since been revealed that Laura wasn't the first one who noticed Reynold's bulge last week, she is the person who said something about it.  Now she comes up with the voting plan this week: split the votes between Eddie & Hope. If the Idol isn't flushed, the re-vote goes to Hope.  I like Laura.  A lot.

Sherri walks Shamar through the steps of the vote.  With a solid plan & a new-found vigor for Survivor, Shamar tries some of that uplifting stuff he's always talking about.  He heavily hints to Hope that if she votes for Eddie, she'll be safe.  Like Kristen Wiig's Suprise Party Sue SNL character, he just cannot keep from giggling the truth out.  Let it be childish!

Hope finds this girl named Julia wandering the beach & invites her into the camp.  Hope says Listen, Shamar told me you guys have decided it's me or Eddie tonight? & Julia says Yes? I just got here so...
Poor Julia.  Finally gets some screen time & it's when she's put in an awkward position.

Nobody is happy to hear about Shamar spilling the plan, so Laura comes up with a new plan...or does she?  She talks to Reynold, who just stands there with The Handsome on, communicating tons through his little replies.

L: "I could get Julia to vote Shamar tonight".
R: "Right?"  Do it
L: "I can."
R: "Mmhmm" it
L: "I'm really close to Julia."
R: "Mmhmm"  Again, just go do it.
L: "There's 3 of us, 2 of you - that makes 5."
R: "Mmhmm"
L: "And we just need five to get the vote".
R: *nods*  Why are we still talking?

Finally Reynold says "I'm on Team Shamar - I'll vote Shamar every day!", & they're off to Tribal Council.  At Tribal, Reynold speaks of the fallout after the last TC.  "I heard Shamar screaming from, like, a kilometre away".  Reynold's metric?  POINT FOR REYNOLD.  Shamar explains his Reynold no-talking policy: "I think you're an evil person, just leave me alone."  Evil?  I wouldn't even go that far to describe Russell Hantz.  I know my initial impression of Reynold was not complimentary, but, like many others, I have grown to appreciate him.  He's a recruit, yes, & getting handsy with Allie was a big fuck-up - but he does seem to have a deep understanding of the game, & is a challenge beast.  Or maybe I'm just the latest victim of The Handsome.

The Shamar Whisperer explains Shamar to everyone who doesn't speak Shamarian - or, "snotty teenaged brat".  "I get Shamar.  He just rubs them the wrong way.  And once you cross him, you just can't go back. And they've crossed him.  In his mind, that's it."  Shamar nods, "That's exactly it."

Time to vote, & surprisingly, there are 3 votes each for Shamar, Hope & Eddie.  Did something at Tribal change Laura & Julia's minds?  Was it all a ploy to keep Reynold off-scent, increasing the chance of flushing out the idol?  Did Sherri get wind of Laura's plan & offer her free Cinnabons for life if she didn't vote Shamar?  Was Laura's conversation with Reynold just her way of testing the waters for a threesome?  I don't know, but I was actually surprised with the vote.

After the 3-way tie, there's a re-vote, & the practically invisible Hope exits the game.  The other half of two of the best looking people here (look, that's just how it is), is left alone & forlorn.

For who shall carry this hot, hot burden alongside me?

So, on this Anti-Bullying Day, what was the message Survivor left us with?  Bullies win.  Because while Cochran is far from douchebully Jim Rice, Shamar is still there, lying in the shelter, reigning terror on his tribemates - the very people he's supposed to be working with, towards a common goal.  Someone buy that man a pink shirt.

I'm always up for Survivor conversations, so don't forget to "Like" this blog on Facebook, & follow me on twitter: @MomofKai


Davide M. said...

I knew that a Rocky Horror Picture Show would pop after that Phillip comment, and I got it! I literally burst out laughing after that.

I am starting to like Reynold too, after I put him down as an enormous douche pre-season. But when the names came out I thought Shamar was going to go deep in the game, so what do I know?

david wisdom said...

I like how both you and Colette have made the connection between sherri and Sandra Bullock.
I also agree with you about Shamar. I've gone from despising him to feeling kind of sorry for him. I don't like how we've become the audience for this on-going train wreck, and if he reads any of the very large number of Survivor blogs out there, it might hinder his treatment. But maybe its a catharsis. What do I know?

Lisa Ferreira said...

Haven't read hers yet, but the Sherri/Sandra Bullock comaparison has been happening since before the start of the season, by everyone. It's pretty blatant, & hard to ignore. :)