Survivor: South Pacific 23.3: Coach Farouk

So Christine & Semhar are on Redemption Island together.  Christine tells Semhar she doesn't know what happened, other than Coach hating her.  Maybe because you told him he was a temporary player before you even met him?  Just a guess.  Semhar asks what Coach is like & Christine replies "He thinks he's King Farouk."  Maybe my recollection of King Farouk is off, but wasn't he the young, indulgent King of Egypt who was eventually overthrown?  Wikipedia tells me I am correct.  (Yay me!) It also tells me that after he was overthrown, King Farouk's love of rich food turned him into a 300lb "stomach with a head".  

So which part is like Coach, again?  He's not fat, not a teenager, & his only real indulgence seems to be stories, which are absent so far this season.  Three episodes in and not one reference to paddling up the Nile in a canoe he had woven from his own chest hair or something?  Did Christine just mean he thought he was in charge of everyone?  King Farouk is a very specific comparison to make if that's the point she's struggling to make.



King Farouk



Coach...oh, I see it now.







Christine wants to stay in the game badly, & she says "The fat lady has not sung."  But has the spoken word artist...um, spoken?  (Spoiler: Not yet, but she will.  Oh, she will.)

At OompaLoompa, poor Mikayla is confused & has no clue why Brandon wanted her gone.  I just want to give her a hug.  Instead, Coach envelops Brandon in an awkward hug that is more father-son than teammate-teammate.  And Brandon just snuggles right in there.  All the better to protect him from Mikayla's lady bits.  Brandon says he was "150% sure that Mikayla was going home."  How exactly?  He told 2 people that they should vote for Mikayla, & they never gave him a definitive answer.  Brandon needs to pray for some math.

Time for the first Redemption Island duel.  Coach & Stacey represent OompaLoompa, & Ozzy & Elyse represent Steve Vai.  With a blistering guitar solo in front of a fan.  Not really, but that would be awesome.  Ozzy totally has the hair to work a Steve Vai fan.

Semhar & Christine come in & Semhar's hair is suddenly in braids, & I realize that much of her beauty is boobs & hair.  She went from this:



I am woman, hear me roar, or at least speak poetry.



to this:



Wet Rat



Maybe the beatnik Kerouac crab braided her hair in return for his release.  Semhar says very unconvincingly "I'm just ready to keep going."  At this point, my husband called it. "Christine's going to win because she wants to be there." 

The challenge, or sorry, duel, is to balance a totem at the top of a pole, to which more poles must be added.  There is some fantastic editing now as we see a shot of Christine waiting to begin, while Semhar is psyching herself up for this challenge by reciting poetry.  Or making it up as she goes?  She's an artist.  I don't pretend to know what's going on in that used-to-be-pretty head of hers.  Besides the crazy.  There's a lot of crazy in there. 

Back to the editing: there are great shots of Jeff biting his lip, Coach's eyebrows rising into 2 downward dogs, & Coach & Ozzy even share an incredulous look, all while Semhar is speaking her truth? I guess?  With what powerful words could she simultaneously unite the tribes AND prepare herself for a balancing challenge, or sorry, duel?

"There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for this man.

I would even take off my clothes and give him a private show.

I would give birth to ten of his children without using any drugs to help ease the pain

and then I would give him one more just because our love is that insane.

There is not one thing that I would not do for my lover, my best friend, my honey, my boo.

I can't wait to meet him."

Semhar tells Probst her poetry calmed her like crazy.  Yeah it did. 

So they start the duel, & then...

OK, I'm trying to move on, but I can't just leave it at that.  This poem irritates me on so many levels.  I would assume that if you're going to have 11 babies with this stranger, taking off your clothes for a private show is nothing out of the ordinary, so why throw that "even" in there?  Why not put it in the next line, where you're giving birth naturally to a litter?  And let me tell you, Semhar, with your still perfect, perky breasts - I have given birth without drugs, & the reason for that was not because of any man, even my amazing husband.  That's not the kind of thing we give as an anniversary gift.  Alas, perhaps our love is too sane.  Just think, Semhar's lucky guy is out there somewhere, unknowingly about to stumble into a perky package of loco.

That was the best part of the duel, as Semhar stares straight ahead, so calmed by her own words that she forgets to look up at her swaying totem to correct the balance, & it falls.  Probst is not one to let a golden TV moment pass him, so he asks Semhar about her emotions.  Semhar breaks down, comparing Redemption Island to all the times she's been abandoned in her past, & again with the not understanding how her tribe could do this to her. 

Probst: "And yet you sought out this game." Probst is the best host of anything, ever.  Semhar completely misunderstands the point Probst is making & flips it to be an accolade.  "Yeah.  Exactly.  That's why I'm proud of myself.  I never give up on anything.  I know that I played this faithfully and as a good person."

Farewell, Semhar.  Your craziness will forever remain unmatched.  Until after the commercial break when we go to....

Brandon!  At OompaLoompa, Brandon says "This morning Doug was chastising me.  He was not pleased with me."  I had to rewind that after I couldn't remember who Doug was, & sure enough, I'm an idiot, because OF COURSE HE SAID GOD.  Brandon takes his shirt off, after announcing he would do so.  Sophie has a keen eye & immediately stares at the huge tattoo that says Lil' Hantz which totally doesn't signify he's a douchebag or anything.  Brandon tells everyone he is the nephew of the infamous Russell Hantz.  Now I spoke to someone yesterday who missed the Russell seasons of Survivor, so for anyone wondering what the big deal is, here's a taste of Russell:

So Brandon tells everyone he's Russell's nephew.  Everyone is quietly stunned except for Stacey.  She doesn't seem to say much, but when she does, it's worth the wait.  Last tribal council, we got a "BOOM!"  Now, we get hand swirls & a "BLAM!, as if she imagined Brandon's secret suddenly manifesting in a fog before her.  Brandon says he'd rather make friends than a million dollars & now we know he's either just really stupid, or crazy FOR REALZ.

Steve Vai's tribe has manifestations out of fog, too: how much did Ozzy look like a merman emerging from the ocean with his speared fish?  Awesome shot.  Ozzy decides to tell Keith he has the idol...why do people do this?  Hubby says it's the ego factor: they have to brag that they found it.  I get that, but I still think that's a dumb thing to be concerned about in a game for $1,000,000.  Of course, Keith tells Whitney all about it, who then rocks Keith ever so gently in a hammock, looking over her shoulder to see if there are any grapes or palms around so she could make herself even more useful.

The OompaLoompas endure an awkward, mean mini-trial where Brandon basically ties Mikayla to a stake & calls her out for her witchcraft.  All because he was flustered when she reasonably confronted him to figure out what she ever did to him.  Mikayla goes off, hurt, & crying by the ocean, & the whole world loves Mikayla right now because haven't we all been there?  No?  Well, we feel for her, anyway.  Sophie has the second best quote of the night: "He's a loose cannon...torn between following whatever crazy religious beliefs he has, and yet at the same time, he inherently in his bloodline is a devious jerk."

Brandon says "I let my flesh get a hold of me.  This is a constant battle for me, everyday: good/evil, good/evil, good/evil."  Um, I'm pretty sure the only people who truly struggle with not being evil, are evil people.  "Lord, please don't let me sin anymore."  To atone for his sins, he sleeps right where the ashes of the fire will fall all over him.  Who wants to bet he's dreaming of fire & brimstone in Sodom & Gomorrah?

The Immunity/Reward Challenge involves fetching banners out on the water, & then placing the banners in the proper order.  Ozzy has trouble right away as his tribe isn't feeding him enough rope.  Guys, did you forget Ozzy is a super fast Otter-monkey, & possibly a merman?  Ozzy yells at them to FEED IT! like he's Audrey 2 & needs a tasty dentist RIGHT NOW.  OompaLoompa has a better time with the feed.



Albert REALLY likes coffee & cookies.



Brandon takes the lead & points to the sky, thanking God.  Because if God's going to help Brandon with any aspect of his life, it's going to be the running & swimming part.  Seeing Brandon point his finger to the heavens, I imagine God slowly backing away, thinking about trying out that Hinduism, where he can blend in with the other gods & Brandon will LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Coach is AMAZING with the grappling hook, but that doesn't surprise me, as Coach most likely uses a grappling hook in his everyday life as much as I use a remote control.  Before Steve Vai even lowers one banner, OompaLoompa has won.

Back at Steve Vai, there's a frank talk between Papa Bear & Cochran about being misfits.  I want them to break into song so badly, it hurts my head.



You decide who's who.



I had been missing Cochran the whole episode, & here's why: his first real screen time tonight produces this gem: "The fact that my name keeps coming up is very upsetting.  I don't want to be sent to Redemption Island.  I know a lot of people kind of view it as a chance to get back in the game...I view it as a chance for...extended failure and just more depression." 

He is an adorable Woody Allen, & I don't just love him.  I LURVE him.

Papa Bear doesn't trust Ozzy & Keith's assurance that Cochran is going home, so he decides to look for the idol.  He walks nonchalantly to the treeline while suspenseful music builds, & he takes off running, & it is hilarious.  Elyse tracks him without calling upon her Native American Ancestor Spirit Guides (amazing!), & she finds Papa Bear searching for the idol.  This is surprising for some reason.  Papa Bear makes a fake idol to trick everyone, & Cochran is worried, but don't worry, Cochran.  I do the math & 3 people know Ozzy has the idol which is enough to make sure Papa Bear goes home.

Tribal Council is seriously weirding me out with the surprise dimples.  Now Cochran suddenly is dimpled...is there some sacrificial dimple-sharing going on between Probst & the contestants?  Nothing too surprising - as I thought, Papa Bear goes to Redemption Island.  When he gets there, he says "I think Cochran deserved to be on Redemption Island."  But it is revealed that Papa Bear voted for Jim, & not Cochran!  So, did Papa Bear not know what he was supposed to do?  Even if it was out of loyalty to Cochran (which I doubt), it makes no sense strategically.  If Papa Bear's fake idol play had worked, it could've been a split vote...so why vote for Jim?  Sigh.  Papa Bear, I liked you, but you do deserve to be on Redemption Island.



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Survivor: South Pacific 23.2 Psych Evaluation Re-evaluation

            Episode 2 begins with Probst detailing how to make friends, the Coach way.  Show Brandon how to use a machete, & he’ll be your creepy confidant forever.  “So, Brandon, how many girls have you stalked in your past?  You can tell Coach.  Let’s pray.”

            Semhar is on Redemption Island, breaking down.  “I have abandonment issues.  I don’t understand how people can be so cold & hardened.”  I know, right?  You’re playing a televised game, where tribes have to vote out their own members, & you failed spectacularly at coconut basketball & were the reason they had to go to Tribal Council in the first place, but how could they do that to you?  Cold, heartless bastards, every one.

In last week’s recap, when spoken word artist Semhar was sent to Redemption Island, I wrote: “Passionate poetry was written that night, I’m certain.”  I’m a prophet, you guys!  Before I transcribe the art that came pouring out of Semhar that night, you must know that as soon as she began speaking, the jungle ambiance in the background disappears, & suddenly we hear the sounds of upright bass, high hats, & dissonant jazzy piano chords.  It’s a subtle change from the jungle music, but it is awesome.  And, hey look!  Jack Kerouac the crab just stumbled into this speakeasy.  He’s scuttling & they keep going back to him, shot after shot, until I am almost positive he’s wearing round glasses, a beret, & he’s snapping his claws.  The Survivor post-production team is the best.  Anyway, I give you Semhar’s poetry:

“Sometimes I wonder if I really miss you

or if I just miss feeling loved, cared about, and important.

You walked away, untouched & unbruised,

Still feeling complete off the love I gave you, while

I was left to crashhhhh.

I’ll never understand how men like you can cause so much damage or even worse,

How a woman such as myself can even stand it.

I don’t miss you.

I miss feeling loved.”

Um, I don’t think that’s about being voted off of the Survivor tribe she was part of for 3 days.  Thankfully, we are spared the 11 hours of footage that must exist of Semhar sobbing herself to sleep, trying to cuddle with Jack Kerouac.  WHY WON’T YOU STAY WITH ME, BEATNIK CRAB?

            Over at the Steve Vai camp, Cochran delivers a thankful speech & promises to do better (although unless they edited out hours of footage of Cochran working on his tan, which I doubt, he did no less than anyone else).  Keith thinks Cochran will be great at puzzles & mental challenges that are an inevitable part of the game, but Ozzy is still single-minded about strength being the one attribute his tribe needs.  You would think a 3-time Survivor would appreciate the different qualities it takes to play this game.  No Sole Survivor has won on strength alone.

            At OompaLoompa camp, Coach solidifies his friendship with Edna.  It occurred to me that Coach has always spoken of his love of Asian culture, & now his closest friend is Asian.  Coach needs a showmance!  Make it happen, Edna!  It’s curious that Edna was Coach’s “only friend” as Probst so tauntingly put it, yet she’s not in his alliance, only on a “need to know basis”.   He does appoint himself the Edna protector, though, so if any dragons are harassing you, Edna, you needn’t worry.  The dragon-slayer has your back.

            At Steve Vai, old Cochran is gone, & from the ashes there is risen a NEW Cochran.  How new?  THIS Cochran doesn’t care that his Mom was concerned about unsupervised machete wielding. “New Cochran doesn’t follow Mommy’s advice all the time – he cuts open a coconut when he needs to, & he does it by himself.  With a machete.”  I predict girls everywhere will be wearing t-shirts with that quote.  OMG.  New Cochran is a REBELLIOUS NERD, a new breed of man, appealing to many across the spectrum.  Watch out ladies, New Cochran is making his own rules now. 

Next, fantastic banter with Keith, as New Cochran offers him coconut milk that is now available because HE CUT THE COCONUT OPEN WITH A MACHETE.  BY HIMSELF.  AGAINST HIS MOM’S WISHES.

Keith: “How is it?”

New Cochran: “It’s great…partly because it’s the fruit of my labour…it’s like a child.”

Keith: “So I’m drinking your child?”

New Cochran: “I appreciate it.  He’s becoming part of you.”

LOVE HIM.

            Meanwhile, Ozzy shows off the monkey side of his parentage by scaling trees more quickly than Kate did on Lost.  He notices something out of place, & you can almost hear the quickening of his otter-monkey heart.  Apparently, never in his vine-swinging, mud-sliding adolescence has he seen a rock high up in a tree.  He has found the idol, without the clue!  Survivor, I thought you said you were going to make it harder to find the idols this year!  Putting an idol in a tree near Ozzy?  Perhaps they wanted Ozzy to find it?  SURVIVOR CONSPIRACY!  Ozzy takes his treasure, & hides it in a much higher tree, off of a very narrow branch that only Ozzy or Evangeline Lilly could reach.

            Part one of the psycho Brandon show.  He just can’t take the inner turmoil of hiding this huge secret from Coach, so he reveals that Russell Hantz is his Uncle.  Remember last week, when Brandon said he would never, EVER, tell anyone his last name?  Brandon doesn’t.  Coach is shocked that Brandon is the nephew of his “number 1 nemesis”, which truly sounds funny coming from someone who a) actually means it, & b) isn’t wearing a cape.  They decide to pray together & I groan, because I really liked Coach.  My eyes roll more than Christine’s did in this entire episode, which is A LOT OF TIMES.

            At Steve Vai, the boys are going fishing, & Elyse AGAIN jokes about her Native American background.  I get that it’s her schtick, & she’s just trying to be funny, but it comes across as mocking, so please stop.  “I need to channel my inner Native American self…teach me to dip net, oh great ancestors.”  At this point, her ancestors may have assimilated to Christianity, just to get away from her.  I predict at some point she will try to start fire by dancing around, singing that racist song from Peter Pan, “What Makes the Red Man Red?”.  Elyse is awful.

            Jim thinks he’s the Orchestrator, AND the Architect of a plan to align with Ozzy, Keith, Elyse & Whitney.  In his head, I’m sure he’s also the Doctor, Lawyer, Director, & President of this idea that Keith & Ozzy actually thought of first.  It must suck to watch this episode at home, knowing you didn’t build this plan from scratch with your popsicle sticks after you finished every popsicle yourself.  Because he’s so controlling, you guys.

            Back to OompaLoompa, where part 2 of the Psycho Brandon show is starting.  Again, the editing of Brandon staring at Mikayla may be manipulated, but it is hilarious.  Hilarious to everyone but Mikayla, who must be watching at home, terrified & peeking out from her curtains.  What’s not manipulated is what Brandon says about Mikayla, and I don’t know if there’s ever been a person SO FUCKING DELUDED.  “Being a married man, I have to stay away from that kind of stuff.  I’ve made some pretty bad decisions in the past.”  Hmmmm, would any of those bad decisions include stalking?  Just a guess. 

At the Immunity Challenge, the OompaLoomas see for the first time that Semhar has been sent to Redmption Island.  Relief is evident on Brandon’s face.  One less pair of boobies to tempt him.  The challenge itself involves unwinding ribbons, releasing keys to unlock your tribemates, & a heavy crate puzzle.  Elyse stumbles through the ribbons & unlocking portions, leading me to believe her ancestors were tripping her up on purpose.  Yay ancestors!  Steve Vai’s tribe wins & New Cochran doesn’t have to worry about how else to showcase his newfound macho self to avoid RI. 

Psycho Brandon is not quite his Uncle Russell when it comes to strategy.  He wants Mikayla gone “because I’m faithful to my wife.”  At this very moment, Mikayla is nervously laughing, “In your dreams, loser”, while she shakes & calls CBS to demand a security detail.  If Brandon is still married after watching this episode, his wife must be more fucked up than he is.  I would be slightly embarrassed if my husband so obviously was fighting the urge to sexually assault another woman on national television.  Seriously creepy.  There is a psych evaluation they have to go through, right?  I wonder if the person who administered Brandon’s is still legally allowed to practice?  “I see the way she is ‘Oh, I want to be a model, blah blah blah…she’s got every guy around here wrapped around her finger but me.”…Because he’d rather be wrapped around something else.  Zing!  Nailed it.  Editing could be responsible, but Mikayla has not seemed the least bit flirty.  Brandon is just psycho.

Tiki Tribal Council goes BOOM as Coach calls out Christine & Stacey for wanting to vote out Mikayla, which isn’t true at all.  Brandon is sweating, & looks like he’s about to puke.  Finally he decides he cannot hide the truth & reveals that he wants to make babies with Mikayla.  Ooops, my bad.  It was the other truth: that he told Christine & Stacey to vote for Mikayla because “she’s a threat”.  Coach is all “Are you fucking kidding me?” & rolls his eyes like I did when he prayed with Brandon.  I hoped he would tell everyone about Brandon’s Hantziness.  But Coach has honour, and EVERYONE LIKES HIM right now (except for Christine, & even to her, Coach says “I love this girl & her Long Island attitude.”), so he won’t say anything. 

Rick has been completely silent this entire episode, letting his moustache speak for him.  I wonder if the moustache gets its own vote?  It’s that magnificent. 

Last week, Semhar mysteriously had new dimples at Tribal Council, & this week, mysterious dimples are revealed on Albert.  He actually speaks in this episode, & seems very smart & level-headed, & at tribal, in the firelight, I realize he’s quite dreamy.  Sigh.

Christine was voted out, & rightly so, but I was hoping Mikayla would be gone, just so I would know she’d be safe…although I kind of think Brandon & Mikalya stuck on Redmption Island alone would be AWESOME TELEVISION.  As long as there is security, of course.

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Survivor: South Pacific 23.1 That's Delilah, Son

            The 23^rd season of Survivor began Wednesday night with a helicopter shot.  Of another helicopter.  Which was carrying former contestants Coach & Ozzy, both back for a 3^rd time.  Coach says he’s back to prove you can win this game with honour & integrity, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be same Coach who just really, really wants you to like him.  WHY WON’T YOU LIKE HIM?  Ozzy says he’s totally going to try to be more strategic, & not simply rely on his ridiculous athleticism (due to being raised by a family of otter-monkeys), & has he always sounded so zen surfer?  Dude.

            Jeff Probst & his ever-present dimples show us this season’s Redemption Island Arena, where contestants will be sent after they’ve been voted out of their tribe.  They get one more chance to stay in the game, or they will be sent home.  For really realz this time.  I’m not a fan of RI as it lessons the impact of the once tense tribal council vote, & also last year it was completely useless.  For all Matt’s triumphs on RI, as soon as he got back in the game, he was voted out immediately & sent back to RI, where he failed the final duel.  Sucky.  Also, last year’s RI Arena (mock stone ruins) looked way cooler than this year’s (giant fire pit).

            Everyone else is on their tribe’s raft, heading for the shore.  Obviously, they’ve rowed all the way from America, so it’s no wonder Elyse is struggling with the oars.  She’s tired, you guys.  The tribe names are Savaii and Upolu, but I won’t remember those, so from now on they are tribes Steve Vai & OompaLoompa.

            The first contestant to get an intro piece (aside from returning rock stars Coach & Ozzy) is John Cochran.  I admit right now I have a nerd crush on this super nerd, & he is my pick to win it all.  The man wrote a prize-winning essay on Survivor.  An article from his local newspaper revealed he wrote Survivor newsletters in high school, & wore buffs on Survivor days.  He asks Jeff to call him by his last name, because he does that with all the cool players.  Way to embrace the nerd, Cochran.  I LOVE HIM.

            Elyse admits to having no outdoor skills, but says “I’m Native American, so I’m hoping that somewhere in my ancestral background, the great spirits of my past will impart on me some wisdom.”  I’m fairly confident that Native Americans have always believed in Darwinism.  They sure do now.

We meet Rick, the rancher: a hard-working hard-ass who calls Coach out by reminding the world that there are no dragons, so he’s a man in his forties, calling himself a dragon-slayer.  I imagine Coach sitting at home in his Asian-themed home, sobbing into a bear-skin throw.  WHY WON’T YOU LIKE ME? 

We meet Brandon, the troubled-but-saved-by-God nephew of the infamous Russell Hantz.  Says no one will find out Russell is his Uncle, & that should be no problem at all as he only has one tattoo that says Hantz on his back.  Oh, and one more that says Little Hantz on his shoulder.  People keep their shirts on in Survivor, right?

Ozzy is received way more warmly to his Steve Vai tribe than Coach is welcomed to his OompaLoompa tribe.  Coach looks sad.  WHY WON’T YOU LIKE COACH?  Probst pits Coach & Ozzy against each other in a first challenge to win food & flint for their tribe.  The challenge entails climbing a tree, digging under a log (where Coach must’ve scraped 2 layers of skin off his chest), & then the most confusing puzzle I have seen on Survivor.  There were 3 platforms, stacking pieces, & a turtle for some reason.  I didn’t understand it, & I watched it twice.  Ozzy wins & defers praise to his tribemates.  Maybe Ozzy does have more strategy this time around.  Coach slumps back to his tribe in defeat where they barely make eye contact with him.  It’s not like he failed miserably.  Let’s see how Ozzy would do against a dragon, am I right?  Besides, the OompaLoompas were all yelling different things at Coach: a man who just wants to please everybody, so WHY WON’T YOU LIKE HIM?

Back at Steve Vai camp, Ozzy has a bunch of puppies following him around in the form of super hot girls.  Semhar shows off her poetry prowess with a spoken word piece that references Billie Jean.  Semhar says “It’s important that when people challenge you that you step up to that.”  Let’s all make a note of that quote, shall we?

Ozzy goes on for 3 minutes about Semhar that translates to “I love her boobies”.  And then, like a true zen surfer, he gets everyone swimming instead of building a shelter.  Is this the kind of help they expected from a former contestant?  What does Ozzy care about a shelter?  He’ll curl up in a tree branch to sleep, just like his otter-monkey family taught him. 

Cochran’s hesitation to strip down in front of all the hot girls & fit guys is charming & endearing.  He’s worried about how pale he is & says “You can see my organs beating underneath my skin.”  The most adorable neurotic ever.

Over at OompaLoompa, Coach starts speaking Russian with Sophie, a Russian major.  He then goes around giving extremely helpful tips on everything around camp.  WHY WON’T YOU LIKE HIM?  Should’ve gone for a swim, Coach.

Ever since Russell, people think they can just find the immunity idol without any clues.  Christine is no Russell.  Calling the returning players “temporary” & then blatantly going off to look for “wood” in tree hollows is not that smart.  I don’t like her.

Back to Steve Vai where we meet Mark Anthony, who says he’s so gay that “feathers float around my head”.  There’s a touching moment when he tells of how he came out while on the job as a cop, to make it easier for younger guys.  “I’m older, and experiencing life free of everything that would restrict me.”  I like him.  Even after he gives himself a nickname.  “Do I look like a bear?  I think I do.  Call me Papa Bear”.  Um, ok?

The OompaLoompa who most resembles one, Brandon, is as loco as his neck tattoo states.  Coach comments on Mikayla’s beauty, to which Brandon replies “That’s Delilah, son.”  He then states that he doesn’t feel comfortable around Mikayla & “the way she flaunts herself”.  You know, in her tank top & shorts, in the jungle while building a shelter.  What a tramp.  Brandon thinks he’s going to get into trouble if he spends time with her because he’s married, & he’s in the church.  LOCO.  The best moment of the entire episode is the shot the camera got of Brandon peeking at Mikayla through the structure of the shelter, as his voice over tells us he wants nothing to do with her.  Survivor editors are the best.

Coach makes an informal alliance of 5, yet Edna, the one person who actually was nice to him after his defeat, is not there.  WTF Coach?  You said you liked her smile. 

Dawn has a complete breakdown at Steve Vai camp.  Overwhelmed with everything, or maybe because she SLEPT ON THE GROUND WITHOUT A SHELTER, she just starts bawling in front of everyone & Ozzy becomes surfer Jesus as he is sweetly supportive.  If you need to cry in Survivor, just find somewhere to do it privately.  I’m very emotional, & I’m sure I would breakdown at some point in this game.  But possibly losing a million dollars because I cried is enough for me to scrape out my tear ducts with the branches they’re using as toothbrushes.

OompaLoompa Brandon says he doesn’t want to be judged by his Uncle’s reputation.  However, he’s clearly fine with being judged on wearing his shirt in the weird, twisty manner that my 7 year old favours as he undresses.  That’s not suspicious at all when you’re fishing in the water.  It’s not like you’re trying to hide something.  Or 2 things.  That say Hantz.  He spears a tiny fish who probably came closer just to find out WTF is up with that guy’s weird twisty shirt.  Brandon yells that he needs something to put this tiny fish in. Rick brings him a comically large bag that he himself could fit in, all for the tiny, curious fish.  We never see anyone cooking, or eating the fish.  Perhaps they lost it in the enormous bag.

The Immunity Challenge is an obstacle course followed by coconut basketball.  Choosing shooters, Semhar tells her Steve Vai tribe, “I’m good with it.  I can aim & I can shoot.  The basket is big, I’m good.”  Remember, she thinks it’s important to step up when people challenge you. 

Semhar fails spectacularly.  After 2 decent throws, she switches her form to that of Benjamin Button, a Grandma in a toddler’s body.  Watching her makes me feel athletic, which is really something.  With boobs like hers, you think she’d feel comfortable with those heavy coconuts.  Zing!  Probst rubs it in by saying “Every coconut is going to count, that’s how close this is.”  Steve Vai loses, much like in that movie where Ralph Macchio bested the real Steve Vai on guitar solo virtuosity.  Semhar says she feels “sorta bad”, which I think her tribe, or at least Jim, sees as her biggest failure.

Upon winning, the OompaLoompa tribe chants their name joyously & I swear I hear a “doompity-doo” in there.  They win immunity & flint, & they are happy.  MAYBE YOU’LL LIKE COACH NOW??   They go back to camp & start looking for the Immunity Idol clue.  Stacey looks in a tree hollow, walks away.  The camera zooms in on the hollow, where we see the clue wrapped around a branch.  If only you’d turned around, Stacey!  WHEN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, ALWAYS WATCH WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE POINTING.  This goes for you too, Amazing Race Contestants.

At Steve Vai, Ozzy pushes to keep Semhar’s boobs around, & vote off the translucent nerd, Cochran.  How can Ozzy not see the value of a smart guy like Cochran?  He keeps the mood light around camp, he won’t steal any of your babes, & he idolizes you.  Keep him around.  Cochran goes paranoid, saying his “achilles heel is crippling insecurity.”

           

They head to Tribal Council, which this season looks like a Tiki Bar.  Pina Coladas for everyone!  In the firelight, Semhar suddenly has Probst-like dimples that won’t go away.  They are so noticeable here I can’t believe I didn’t see them earlier.  It’s literally all I can think about, these mysterious fire-triggered dimples.  Mark Anthony tells Probst he can call him Papa Bear.  “That’s my nickname.  I love it, don’t worry.”  Of course you love it, YOU GAVE IT TO YOURSELF.  From now on, everyone can call me MostAwesomeChickEver.  It’s ok, I don’t mind.

Cochran, once again, is absolutely charming as he forgets Semhar’s name (I think he almost called her Seminar), & is truly apologetic about it.  I LOVE HIM.  He’s a Harvard Law Student, but doesn’t do too well defending himself on account of his self-deprecating humour.  But it’s ok, as everyone votes for Semhar & she looks pissed at Jeff (& I think this is the perfect time for her to have sung “I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair” because that’s a song from the musical South Pacific, & they’re in the South Pacific.  Get it?) as he snuffs her torch, & she stomps off to Redemption Island.  Passionate poetry was written that night, I’m certain.  There is over-dubbed audio of crying as she stomps off, but I’m not sure if Semhar was actually crying, or if Dawn started again.

All in all, a more entertaining first episode than usual, but that may be because of that Prime Suspect commercial that kept coming on, where Maria Bello is sitting on a chair with a fedora, head down & the text says “There are 34,000 police officers in NY….but only ONE like her…”  I was surprised EVERYTIME when she doesn’t start tap dancing.  When will the cop show/musical ever become a reality?  Sigh.

           

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First Rehearsal

First Joseph rehearsal is tonight...am I ready? Let's see....

Red and yellow and green and brown and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russett and Gretchen and purple and white and pink and orange and blue!


Looking it over, I see that I have my colours correctly memorized & also that my iPad has autocorrected grey to Gretchen...a new colour perhaps? I like it.

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