Friday, October 21, 2011

Survivor South Pacific: 23.6 Shuffleboard & Coconuts

Following the tribal council that saw his tribe take Elyse out without consulting him, Ozzy goes against everything in The Zen Surfer Dude Handbook, & throws a tantrum.  For best results, please read in a "sucky brat" voice: "I am now what's called a free agent, & I'm playing for myself, & you guys can play for yourselves."  Guess he won't be sharing any of his tasty fish & loaves this week.  "If it doesn't work, I've always got Redemption."  Way to be the "new, strategic Ozzy" we were promised in the first episode.  Ozzy goes fishing & he holds up a small, freshly-speared fish.  See this?  I'm going to start my own fire over there.  I'm going to cook this fish, & eat it all by myself.  Later, I'm going to hunt wild boars, paint my face with blood, put the boar's head on a stick, accidentally kill Simon, murder Piggy, & terrorize Ralph. 

In other Steve Vai news, have Keith's eyebrows always been so prominent?  It appears as though he has 3 eyebrows, with his burgeoning moustache - Keith could be the elusive Bonus Jonas. 

Everyone at camp is talking about Ozzy's hissy fit, leading Cochran to suggest he's behaving "like a stupid bitch".  Why you gotta be hard on all the stupid bitches, Cochran?  Also, I believed Jim paid Cochran in coconuts to utter those words, & you can't change my mind about that.

The Oompa Loompa tribe is cooking again.  Remember when Survivor didn't have so much food, & everyone was actually hungry all the time?  Contestants literally stripped naked in the middle of a challenge to get some peanut butter.  Ah, the good old days.  Brandon goes looking for the Immunity Idol, & finds the clue very quickly.  This amuses Coach, who chalks it up to Brandon having Russell's "same bloodhound scent for the idol".  Coach does a fantastic impression of Russell's determined walk.  At this point, Russell gets a flashback shot.  HE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS SEASON AND HE GETS MORE SCREEN TIME THAN WHITNEY.  That's amazing, & you just know Russell is loving every mention he gets.  You know it because he tweets about it all the time.
Coach is unsure whether to tell Brandon he already found the idol.  Um, NO???  Coach seriously needs to stop being concerned with playing the game honourably.  He said he was going to play differently, but it seems he still cannot seperate the game from reality.

Christine & Elyse enter the Redemption Island Duel Arena, & Probst prompts Christine to cry.  "Has Redemption Island become your home?" "Unfortunately."  "Unfortunately?"  He's the new Barbara Walters.  Christine cries, & it seems that RI has broken her.  What is not broken, however, is her eye-rolling ability.  That is still strong.  Now it's time for the Redemption Island Duel, & when I say duel, I actually mean shuffleboard.  I guess the producers thought "Well, if Christine & Papa Bear's bean bag toss duel could be that exciting..."  They were wrong.  It's boring, not dramatic, & Christine wins.  Probst asks Elyse what she'll take away from this, & Elyse gives her exit speech: "I'll take a sense of accomplishment. I gave my all.  I did. I never would have known that I could push myself so far had I not come out here.  I'm stronger than I think I am."  If only she had thrown in "I'm not here to make friends" & "I'm in it to win it", she would have had 90% of reality TV cliches covered.  At least there's no more "calling on her ancestors".
Probst says what I guess is the new leaving-the-game-for-really-realz line: "Your adventure has come to an end."  I don't like it, but then, I am not a fan of the whole Redemption Island deal.  Not at all.  Goodbye, Elyse.  I hope you really, really enjoyed the experience of being voted out.  And leaving Survivor because you lost at shuffleboard.

Back at Steve Vai, Ozzy sees the error of his ways & apologizes & says he wants to be a team player again.  Jim is smart & sees no problem with that, as Ozzy will help them get to the merge, & then be a bigger threat after the merge.  I say you have to get rid of Ozzy before a merge, or at least flush the idol out now, but nobody mentions this. 

This Immunity/Reward Challenge is one of the coolest challenges ever.  Construct a wheelbarrow, pick up coconuts along an obstacle course, then transform the wheelbarrow into a slingshot, & fire coconuts at targets.  I want this set-up in my backyard.  Oompa Loompa gets a huge lead, but not much luck with the targets.  Coach tries to take Mikayla out of the game after she misses a few targets, but the girl is a competitor, so that's not going to happen.  Coach seems really annoyed, but it looks like he doesn't make any targets either, so I'm not sure why he's so frustrated with Mikayla.  Jim turns out to be a rock star at launching coconuts, & wins it for Steve Vai.

The reward is a picnic at a beautiful natural waterslide, & Cochran is hesistant to follow Ozzy's cliff-diving display, as he is "not physically or emotionally capable of that".  Is he not a water person?  "I'm a sparkling water person."  AGAIN, Cochran has the best line of the episode.  Here's a clip of Ozzy having fun on the reward:

Coach is pissed back at Oompa Loompa camp, & wants Mikayla gone because she doesn't follow orders.  "If I'm going to coach this team..."  NOT real life, Coach - you're nobody's coach out here.  JIMMY JOHNSON didn't claim to be coaching his tribe, so maybe Coach should back off a bit.  Albert tells Mikayla that he will go to war for her.  He sees the value in keeping Mikayla over Edna, & also maybe he knows their babies would be perfect physical specimans & they owe it to humanity to procreate.

All of a sudden, there's a shot of a bee hive.  STACEY IS A PROPHET!  SHE ACTUALLY STARTED A BEE'S NEST!  I'm really excited at this, but my husband is looking at me strangely, so I stop rewinding.

Rick & Sophie are on board with voting Edna out, & Brandon wants Edna gone, too (she makes him uneasy on account of the lady parts) but unfortunately, he's crazy, so he's going to vote Mikayla.  All because he once said he wouldn't vote out Edna.  "I want to be a radical for God."  So, a terrorist?  Well on your way, sir!
Coach doesn't respond well to Albert's logical reasoning for keeping Mikayla.  Coach breaks it down "one coach to another...Mikayla hasn't won anything for us."  Except for that one time, a few days ago, when she picked meat off the dirt with her teeth.  Coach makes Edna sound pathetic, which she kind of is, but I would be too, in her position.  I just wouldn't be wearing the ridiculous tree-mail visor.  I'm all about sun-protection, but come on!  Coach appeals to Rick to switch his vote to Mikayla, & Rick is confused, but unfortunately does not start stroking his magnificent moustache as he ponders his decision.  Opportunity missed!

At tribal, Probst asks Edna what it's like to be weak.  "That's just the way it is with me."  If that's your defense, I see why you need Coach to stay in the game.  The tribe talks about going into the merge with loyalty vs numbers. With every episode, Albert seems smarter AND hunkier, & tonight is no exception.  "Loyalty can be faked.  You can't fake strength." 
Then, right on cue, Brandon has a crisis of conscience & being a radical for God when it comes to doing good leads him to call out his alliance on praying-to-false-gods charges, or something.  "We had a pact to take the 6 of us, so Mikayla, I love you (does he ever!), but you're going."  Then Brandon, thinking himself righteous, declares "Vote me out today if we're going to play disloyal".  Probst's eyes almost fly out of his head, but Brandon will not be deterred & continues from his mighty pulpit.  "Nowadays people get the misconception that we can tell a half-lie, or a little bit of a lie.  Oh, it's just a game, oh, it's just one cigarette, oh, it's just a little bit of marijuana..."  First of all, those aren't really lies at all.  Secondly, what was next, "she said she was 18"?  "A smile is consent, right?"  PSYCHO.  Oh & thirdly, isn't Brandon 19? What 19 year old says "nowadays"?  Old Testament Brandon states: "There is no grey.  It's black or white, period."  That's a fun guy to have around you 24-7.  Why Sophie didn't start a "Vote Brandon Out" movement right there at tribal is beyond me.  Rick ends up siding with Coach & Brandon, & Mikayla is voted out.  Ridiculous.  I hope she does well at Redemption Island against the broken Christine.

One thing, though - who can Brandon vote for now?  He's in an alliance with everyone that's left, so voting for any of them would go against his word, so I'll be looking forward to watching that struggle.

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