Friday, October 14, 2011

Survivor South Pacific: 23.5 Gasoline Drawers

Stacey & Christine are reunited on Redemption Island, & I can only hope they will have some sort of "Good Morning Long Island" talk show when this season is over.  Imagine the drinking games you could have: Christine rolled her eyes?  Drink!  Stacey made up a phrase?  Drink!  (Of course I would be DVRing this show & watching in the evenings...)  Stacey foresees her former tribe mates "going to hell with gasoline drawers on".  I googled this, & it's an actual saying, & even a song that I kind of can't stop listening to now.  Skip to 1:08 for the awesomeness, although the whole song has a repeatability you can't deny.

Stacey also wants to expose the OompaLoompas to Steve Vai, which sounds worse than it is.  She wants to "start a bee's nest".  I googled this as well, & turns out this is not an actual saying.  Which makes sense, as you'd probably have to be a bee to start a bee's nest.  I think she meant stir.  But who knows with Stacey?  ZAP!

Surprise! A date has been added to The Brandon Hantz Apology Tour, as Brandon apologizes for waking everyone up with tree mail.  Cut to him crying!  He's upset because Mikayla said the thing she disliked the most about Brandon was that he's a Hantz.  Aw, don't cry Brandon!  I'm sure that "being a Hantz" is way at the bottom of her now very long list of why she dislikes you & you have to stay 500 yards away from her at all times.

Stacey goes off at the duel, refusing to call Coach "Coach", & instead, calling him his actual name: The Name That Must Not Be Named.  How she knew this would piss him off, I don't know, but it worked.  Voldemort will answer to Tom sooner than Coach will answer to The Name That Must Not Be Named.  The one thing that upset me about Stacey's Secret Spillage (possible segment on Good Morning Long Island?) is the revelation that Coach has been telling stories & jokes that haven't aired!  Halloween & ChuckECheese jokes!  STOP HOLDING OUT CBS!  They better be on that never-before-seen-footage episode mid-season.

The ball chute duel is a joke, as Christine has a strategy, while Stacey doesn't even pay attention & drops a ball very early.  Stacey says goodbye & reminds us that she's a Funeral Director.  With every embalming, a free pair of gasoline drawers to go to hell in!  We realize this is a difficult time, so choose your coffin & POW!  We'll make everything hunkadory.

Over at Steve Vai, we see there are a lot of bullies on this show.  Did everyone miss all the anti-bullying PSAs? Was this season of Survivor filming when they went viral?  I just want to write letters to all of their parents, demanding apologies for my beloved Cochran.  Leave gingers alone!  And nerds are cool now - did you guys miss that as well?

The Steve Vai tribe has become a cliquey high school, where there's only one student not failing his classes, & everyone else makes fun of him for it.  "The Little Cochran that could"?  Wow, that's not patronizing at all.  Cochran leaves, & Elyse praises Ozzy for acknowledging the lowly guy who's working hard around the camp, "You're a good guy."  Didn't the Natives have an awesome torture technique, where they would cut open a belly, nail the intestines to a tree, & make their prisoner run around that tree until they just couldn't anymore?  Strange how that tidbit from my Canadian History class just popped into my head.
Ozzy is a total moron, revealing his poker hand to the marijuana selling poker player: "If Coach is smart, he'll get rid of Albert soon."  Dum dum DUMB.  Ozzy is reminding me more & more of the character Max from NBC's Parenthood.  You know, the one with Aspergers?  Ozzy is void of all emotion, & his monotone voice just cements it for me.  Ozzy has dead eyes.

Albert is concerned that Stacey blabbed to Steve Vai.  "It's painful to my cause."  Know what's not painful?  Albert walking around in his underwear.  It's like Probst knew something had to erase the memory of Phillip in his.  Hunky Albert finds the Immunity Idol Clue, but can't find the idol itself, so enlists the help of Coach & Sophie.  Coach finds it, & is so happy he starts speaking about himself in the third person.  It's nice to see a happy Coach.

A fishing expedition for OompaLoompa, where Cochran admits he has "zero experience, zero ability & zero confidence."  But your adorableness is through the roof, Cochran!  Who else would say about Ozzy that he was "superhuman, Mowgli-esque" & now he's "middle-aged Ozzy".  AWESOME.  Ozzy hunts a bunch of fish spectacularly, & his return to camp & subsequent adoration brought to mind one thing:

It was only fish, guys, not fish & loaves.

The Immunity/Reward Challenge is pretty gross, although not as gross as when Probst makes personal sea slug gut/jellyfish smoothies.  They had to tear big hunks of pork off to bring back to their basket, using only their mouths.  Yum.  Disgusting, & the basket-cam was completely unnecessary.  Serves me right for wondering how it would look if Survivors puked on me.  Halfway through the challenge, it started looking like a preview of AMC's The Walking Dead.  Poooorrrrrrrkkkkkkk.  Gross.  Rick drops a huge piece on the ground, & leaves it, even though Probst brings it to his attention.  Rick will make out with Brandon, though, to get a piece of pork that's stuck in his teeth, but dirt is just too gross.  Rick needs to work on his ideas of hygiene.  Mikayla has no pride (that whore!), & gets that dirty meat, maybe adding the extra 2oz her tribe won by, even though Ozzy somehow has the entire pig in his mouth, looking like a guilty labrador (though lacking all the emotion of a labrador).   OompaLoompa wins Immunity, veggies, spices & bread, AND they get to take all the gross meat they just spit out of their collective mouths.  Brandon points to the heavens, because we all know God was watching over Brandon as he tore meat off another of His creatures, for a televised game.  Keep your enemies closer, & all that.

OompaLoompa washes the spit off their meat, & they let Brandon cook dinner.  Brandon has apparently settled on "good" for the day, saying, "We're a team, & we're a family." A family that hopefully doesn't frown upon incest...wait, maybe he settled on "evil"...MIKAYLA, DON'T EAT THAT! HE ROOFIED YOUR PORTION!  Coach is really happy tonight, first with the idol, & now with the food.  "Taste the victory!" "This is freaking unbelievable, man!"

At Steve Vai, Jim & Cochran are rallying their troops to get Elyse out.  Dawn's on board, & Jim has to explain very slowly to Keith why they can't tell Ozzy about their plan.  Keith has trouble understanding this. "But...what happens when Ozzy..."  "We don't tell Ozzy."  "But then....he's not gonna trust us."  Awww, he's trying so hard.  Whitney & Keith both want Elyse gone, but don't want to vote for her & piss Ozzy off.  If only there was a way we could vote for someone else, & she'd still go home.  You can!  Do exactly what you just said!  And seriously, these people did not know that cold sores are herpes?  And that the challenge they just participated in is very likely to have transferred some communicable disease or another?  Cochran, don't tell them that the earth is round!  They'll vote you out on grounds of your insanity!  How awesome would it have been if Cochran had been put on OompaLoompa, with Albert & Sophie?  Super awesome.

Tribal Council infuriated me.  Hey, let's all pick on Cochran.  That adorable guy, who when asked about injuries from the pork, says, "I haven't been wearing my retainer as much as I should be".  He's concerned about the alignment of his teeth.  How can you not like that guy?  More importantly, can you not tell that this guy is going to be a fan favourite when you're out there playing?  I wouldn't want to be on TV, picking on the ones that audiences are going to fall in love with.  People rallied around Mikayla, & I bet a nerd army will be even stronger.  In brain power.  Probst asks "how often is Cochran charming, & how often is he just annoying?"  WTF Jeff?  You are a horrible wingman.  You cannot make up for that by getting Cochran dates on twitter.  You sucked tonight.  Dawn is even worse, saying "he's a real character", & "I'm learning to be more tolerant".  Tolerant?  Cochran has a condition called being-way-more-awesome-a-human-being-than-the-rest-of-you-combined.  Dawn needs a talking-to from Stacey. 
Elyse is even worse than that, saying "we've all been picked last".  Like that time that she wanted some of her ancestors spiritual guidance, & they pretended not to know her.  Then she says something so ridiculous that the only thing that made me not slap my TV was knowing she would be voted out in 5 minutes:  "One thing to appreciate is that he's such a big fan that whether he stays or goes to Redemption Island, he's going to appreciate the experience." 
Time to vote, & Keith & Whitney somehow figure out what to do, & Elyse goes home without them voting for her.  Guess what - Ozzy's still going to be pissed.  Or can he show that emotion?  We'll see.  Elyse is gone to Redemption Island, & I just really, really hope she enjoys the experience.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great article! Thanks for standing up for Cochran! You hit the nail on the head. I'm his Uncle.