Thursday, October 27, 2011

Survivor South Pacific: 23.7 Ozzy Christ Superstar

It will all make sense.  Have some faith.

It was mentioned at the end of last week's episode, & again at the start of this week's: the tribes are even, so the outcome of the next Immunity Challenge is a big deal, as the merge will probably happen soon.  But you won't make the mistake of forgetting it a second time, because you will be reminded of it many times in this episode.

When they return to camp, Oompa Loompa has the discussion about Brandon's instability that they should have had during tribal, so they could have voted him out instead of Mikayla.  Tribal is, after all, the place for full disclosure.  No?  It's only Brandon who thinks that? Everyone else speaks cryptically & guarded?  My bad.  Coach says not to worry - if there comes a time when Brandon becomes a liability, there will be a bullet in his head, like Lennie in Of Mice and Men.  Lennie, of course, was mentally disabled, & had issues with attractive women.  This comparison is awesome, but Coach, I cannot express my disappointment that you would choose such an undignified weapon.  Where is your sword?  Are you a dragonslayer or not?

At Redemption Island Arena, Cochran looks rightly shocked that Mikayla was voted out of Oompa Loompa.  They get rid of the pretty people over there?  The duel involves removing planks from a crate, making a bridge with the planks, & solving a puzzle with the planks.

Planking may or may not have also been a part of the duel.  There were so many planks, it's hard to tell.

Mikayla came from behind to complete the puzzle first, but it was slightly wrong, leaving it open for Christine to win for the 5th time in a row.  Mikayla leaves for really reallz, & Albert is saddened - losing your genetic soulmate can do that to a guy.  Christine says "I have always been a legitimate force.  My whole life."  This gives Ozzy something to think about.  "If the merge is coming, & if we lose the next challenge, it might be worthwhile to send somebody to Redemption that can beat Christine & come back in the game & even out the numbers."  But who this man could be, I just don't know.

Before they reach Steve Vai, Ozzy tells Cochran what he's thinking.  "I don't want to go to Redemption, but if it comes down to it...I will go." Cochran restrains from screaming "Wheeeeeee!", & instead just says "that's...that's unbelievable."  Ozzy Christ Superstar continues, "I only want to say - if there is a way, take this cup away from me.  I don't want to taste its poison."

At Oompa Loompa, Coach is praying. DRINK!  We hear a screeching hawk as Coach does Tai Chi in the ocean.  Love it.  Coach decides the tribe needs a boost, so plans to let everyone know they have the idol so they can all rally behind it.  Also, they will pray.  DRINK!  Everyone gathers & Coach leads them in a prayer to please, God, let them find the idol that Coach already found & has hidden from half the tribe.  Sophie finds it icky, but is keeping her mouth shut, which is exactly what I would do if I found myself stuck in a cult.  She somehow manages to not roll her eyes at the camera, which only tells me she didn't spend enough time with Christine to learn the proper eye-rolling etiquette. Christine knows that when participating in the first of many group prayer circles, EYE-ROLLING IS MANDATORY. 
Coach is all "hey, look what we found", & Brandon practically weeps with joy.  "We found the idol not even 5 minutes after we got done praying.  It's definitely an advantage having The Big Guy Upstairs on your tribe."  Bitch, please.  Like God is hanging out at Oompa Loompa when his son, Ozzy Christ Superstar, is on Steve Vai's tribe.  AWKWARD.  I wonder if Brandon is having a crisis of faith, given that prayer had nothing to do with finding the idol.  It was just Coach getting it from the place where he put it.  It's a miracle!

The Immunity/Reward Challenge is next, although this week the "Reward" is debatable.  Everyone shows up painted & adorned like one other person - their twin.  I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for this. 

I absolutely love how striking Cochran's paleness is. That popped-collar is doing its job!

Probst breaks the news that the "reward" will be a private screening of Adam Sandler's new movie, Jack & Jill, where he plays twins.  So, do you get it now?  Twins?  And you're all painted?  To match another person?  Like you're twins?  Like in this movie?  Somehow, no one is as excited as they are when the reward is pizza & beer.  This challenge is a blind obstacle course the "twins" have to go through together to bring back tiki heads to solve a puzzle - you have to match the "twins".  Wow, they are trying really hard to make this work.

Coach starts praying in the middle of the challenge. DRINK! Probst's commentary seems to only update us on the status of Cochran's work, as Steve Vai starts to lose their big lead.  "Cochran is in charge of the ropes...Big malfunction...Still struggling with the ropes...lost a tremendous amount of time...Once again, having trouble with the ropes...Cochran was in charge of getting them hooked in, & he did not do a good job...Ozzy's gonna unhook & rehook the rope the way it should've been done in the first place." AWFUL WINGMAN.  Cochran gives Probst a look like he can't believe even the principal is picking on him.  Cochran messed up, & it cost Steve Vai the challenge. 

Oompa Loompa was celebrating by, you know, hugging, & cheering, but Coach will have none of it.  "On your knees!  On your knees!"  He grabs Edna & forces her to the ground.  Woah.  Then they pray.  DRINK, but this time a little apprehensively because it's getting creepy & maybe we weren't right to make fun of something Coach & Brandon are taking a little too seriously.  This is how wars get started, you guys.  Coach says "This challenge was about family (they got it, Jeff!), hidden trust, & um, some blindfolds...but we give God the glory - we prayed before the challenge, during the challenge, & we gave thanks & knelt down before Him as soon as we won the challenge."  Someone get Sophie out NOW!

Probst reminds Oompa that by winning Immunity, they'll have a one member advantage.  Cue Brandon to point to the heavens, for that is where their extra man resides, & cue the awesome foley guy to put in a church bell.  A screeching hawk AND a church bell?  A true artist.  Probst then says "You're going to enjoy Jack & Jill", but his dimples are shaking their heads.  They know.  Coach shouts, "Jack & Jill, baby!"  Does Coach think Jack & Jill is a dark retelling of the nursery rhyme?  Because only that could explain his delight regarding this movie.

Ozzy is angry, frustrated, punchy & kicky, & with his painted face, I'm thinking another Lord of The Flies moment may be coming.  But turns out, he's just pissed that they lost, when they could've won easily.  Everyone knows Cochran is to blame.  But to blame for what?  For Steve Vai NOT HAVING TO SIT THROUGH JACK & JILL?  Everyone, send Cochran your thanks now, for he sacrificied himself for the good of the tribe.  Alas, nobody sees this silent sacrifice but me, & everyone agrees Cochran is going.  But they still want him to beat Christine at RI, & then rejoin them, obviously.  Cochran feels "a new level of ostracism", one that suddenly has cheerleaders for his downfall: "You can do it, Cochran!"

Cochran feels terrible, & is ready to accept the consequences.  There goes the Ozzy RI plan - he's not as sure as when they started.  "Instead of sending Ozzy, the Trojan Horse, to Redemption Island to shock everybody in a merge & destroy Christine & even the odds, they're sending the court jester, & I don't know what I'm supposed to do apart from a funny little dance or shake my hands around in a comical manner, & it's not going to win the challenge."  Um, unless it's a Woody Allen-off, in which case you win.  And you'd better get your agents lined up, Cochran - I have a feeling Columbia Pictures will jump on this chance of promotion, & plan a remake, starring you:

Danny Kaye.  Sigh.

Cochran is unsure of himself, saying "I don't know how well I can pull off the whole, like, 'I'm indestructable, so you better be shaking in your boots, you stupid bitch'."  Ozzy: "Why not?"  Um, he just explained to you why not, Ozzy.

Ozzy went to bed planning to send Cochran to Redemption, but wakes up bathed in a holy light.  He knows what he must do, & is willing to sacrifice himself.  It's Survivor: Gethsemane!  No more sleeping in the garden, Ozzy!  Ozzy Christ Superstar shows the idol to everyone & offers it to Cochran.  Says he wants to go to Redemption Island, because he has a better chance of defeating Christine, & doubting Keith doesn't like it.  But really, could you ask as much from any other man? 

At tribal (or should we call it Cavalry now?), Steve Vai tells Jeff their hopes that whoever goes to RI will beat Christine & rejoin them.  Probst wonders why Cochran would put his life on the line for them, & Ozzy says, "the thing about it is, Jeff, I'm putting my life on the line."  "BLAM!", said Stacey from home.  Ozzy Christ Superstar goes on to explain that if he goes, numbers could be their reward.  He can show you that he will not be voted off in vain.  Why should he be scared to finish what he started? (Well, what Cochran started.  Ozzy didn't start it.) 
Ozzy plans to tell Christine a story casting Cochran as the villain, which is an idea that Cochran lurves, by the look on his face.  Probst brings up the possibility of not merging so soon, or Ozzy not winning the duel & looking like a fool.  Cochran is like, Are you for real, Jeff?  Ozzy Christ Superstar is undeterred, saying he will drink the cup of poison.  Kill me, take me now, before I change my mind.  Cochran is thrilled on many levels - his ass is saved, & as a Survivor nerd, he's never seen a move like this in 22 seasons, & now he is right in the middle of it.  Amazing.

After the vote, Probst asks about idols, & for a moment, Ozzy Christ Superstar looks like he did change his mind, but then laughs & hands the idol to Cochran.  I take a deep breath & unclutch my pearls.  Probst reads the votes, all for Ozzy.  Keith looks like he's crying a little bit.  Ozzy skips off to the Ascension, I mean Redemption.
I have to say, I've never been a big Ozzy fan, especially this season, but this is a remarkable move.  Stupid, when playing for a million dollars, but remarkable nonetheless.  I really hope he beats Christine, someone who I was also starting to like.  It's funny, because Christine would switch to Steve Vai in a heartbeat if she gets back in the game, so she's your extra number right there.  But I'm sorry Christine, you'll have to count me in as a new member of The Church of Ozzy.
Please enjoy (& I really mean it - I'm not Jeff Probst) a clip of Ozzy Christ Superstar's decision making early that morning.  You have to agree that I did not work as hard to make this connection as Probst did re: Jack & Jill.  This one is right there, wanting to be noticed.

I also threw in a Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat reference, as I am in a sold-out (!!!) production of it at the moment & I couldn't resist.  Anyone spot it?

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