Friday, November 11, 2011

Survivor South Pacific: 23.9 Everything's Coming Up Cochran

The Episode in which it is Revealed that the Cowardly Wiener is not Cochran.

After being so totally zen as tribal council unfolded around him last week, Ozzy wants to speak to Cochran alone once they get back to camp.  I've always wondered - is there no talking during the walk back to camp?  How long of a walk is it?  Do they have to wait for the dramatic music cue?

Ozzy remains in his surfer zen state, & manages to get one complete sentence out before Brandon appears, wanting to make sure no one is being aggressive towards Cochran.  Ozzy assures him all is fine.  "We're not gangsters out here, man", he says to the guy with the 'Loco' neck tattoo.

I wish Cochran would just tell everyone to kiss his ass, but he explains himself, & uses the rocks as his primary reason for switching.  Ozzy isn't satisfied with this, feels betrayed, & declares "That's how a wiener plays."  Jim doesn't connect so much with the surfer zen Ozzy, instead favouring the tantrum-prone Ozzy from episode 6.  "You're a piece of shit coward. You're a poor excuse for a man.  Don't fucking talk to me ever again."  A little later, Jim also calls him a "fucking piece of shit nerd".  Whitney says "So you're the vote? And you realize Keith & I saved you 3 times?  And that's what you fucking do?  You disgust me."  And she's off to write a country song about feeling vilified, since she uses that word 3 times in this episode.

A saddened Cochran joins the former Oompas around the fire, where they comfort him, & tell him he did nothing wrong.  I see Rick move his lips like he's saying something, but I must be hallucinating since Rick is mute, right?  I wish Cochran had stood up a little straighter against the bullies.  It hurts to see him being yelled at, & feeling scorned.  He has every right to be triumphant & all "suck it, bitches!", but he's not.  Come on, Cochran!

Coach stands next to the new Te Tuna flag, & thankfully it doesn't have any graphic depictions of the actual myth of Te Tuna on it. *Shudder*  Coach then moves down to the beach to do a specific type of Tai Chi that involves shaking his fist in frustration that the rest of the tribe doesn't want to learn from him, like they did in Heroes vs Villains.

Cochran tells Coach he thinks Ozzy should go first, as he's such a threat, but on a personal level, he'd like Jim to be gone.  Ozzy knows he's going to be next if he doesn't win immunity, so he vows to bust his ass at the challenge.

Unfortunately for Ozzy, there's no real way to bust your ass at throwing coconuts into a ring, so he doesn't even make it to the next stage.  Sophie, Jim, Whitney & Dawn now have to crack coconuts open, carry coconut water in their mouths through an obstacle course to fill up a tube.  This challenge provides Probst with lots of innuendo opportunities.  "Whitney getting a good mouthful."  "Sophie sliding down that pole."  Nicely done.  Sophie fights a losing battle with her gag reflex - I honestly don't know how more coconut water wasn't spit out accidentally with all the jumps & falls through the obstacle course.  Crazy.  Jim wins immunity, & trots over to receive his necklace with a coconut in hand.  WTF, Jim? How can you want more coconut water after that?

The Oompas will all vote for Ozzy, because, as Brandon points out, "How many chances do you get to vote him out of this game?" Cochran quickly replies, "Apparently 2!" Brandon looks away.  He looks back at Cochran, laughing at his joke. "...........oh. Yeah. Ha."  I'm not entirely convinced he got it, even then.

Ozzy tells Coach he doesn't want to go, & Coach appreciates Ozzy's humility.  Coach whips out what he says is a Marcus Aurelius quote (I myself cannot go a day without referencing a philosopher from the 2nd century, I don't know about you guys), "Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."  However, this quote is actually attributed to Comer Cottrell, a man who did not live 2000 years ago, & is still alive today.  Step forward & claim your quote, sir!  It seems possible that Coach has forgotten what Aristotle once said: "Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them." Boo-yah!

Do I look like a Greek Philosopher to you?  Give me my quote back.

Dawn very obviously sucks up to Coach, offering him a pillow & blankets.  "I'm gonna need to consider flipping & voting with the Upolu tribe."  Yeah, that would have been nice last week, when you could have sided with Cochran, & that move would've meant something.  Now you just look pathetic.  Note that when everyone was ripping into Cochran earlier in the episode, Dawn was nowhere to be seen - not siding with him, not defending him, not even with the OompaLoompas - just absent.  Dawn remains awful.

Jim & Whitney are talking about how vile & disgusting Cochran is.  Jim says "I could never ever throw my tribe under the bus like Cochran did to us."  Maybe because you actually feel like you're part of a tribe that treats you with respect?  How do these people not get that?  Jim offers a solution to Ozzy: he'll give Ozzy the immunity necklace, & at tribal council, they'll try to convince the OompaLoompas to vote for Cochran, because he's such a cowardly, backstabbing weiner.  Ozzy is so touched he wants to cry, but I say save those tears for the moment Jim actually hands over the necklace.  Ozzy is convinced Jim will follow through on his word, because, after all, he's always been about honesty & integrity, right?

It's 22 minutes into the episode & we're at tribal already.  Cochran describes his reception back at camp as "chilly, & lukewarm, to put it mildly."  Is Cochran describing the temperature at camp, or the people who were swearing in his face?  I'm confused.  These are not your friends, Cochran! Stop trying to say things nicely!  Defending his decision, Cochran says, "I viewed it as an opportunity to take control of my own fate in this game, to play, you know, with the sort of group of people that I wanted to play with (yes! suck it, Steve Vai!)...& I don't mean any disrespect to my former tribe mates.  I know that clearly sounds horrendous..."  Ozzy assures him it did, & Whitney agrees.  Come on, Cochran!  You have 6 people on your side, one of whom surely has been charged with assault in the past.  You can stand up for yourself a little straighter than that!

Brandon pipes up with "The smaller people don't have to take it anymore.  We're not gonna be bullied around.  The Upolu tribe is standing behind Cochran, period."  Cut to Jim, whose face indicates he's having second thoughts about handing the immunity necklace to Ozzy.  Well, it appears that way.  I'm sure he'll stick to his word.
Jim panders to Coach, by saying "warrior heart & warrior soul", & Coach's head literally perks up, like someone said t-r-e-a-t.  Jim gives his best rousing speech to rally the troops.  (It's best if you imagine a triumphant horn section & the Te Tuna flag waving behind him.)

"Today, as one voice, we can send a message to anybody who ever will play Survivor: that you can go through this game honourably.  And if you're a turncoat, you got no place in my tribe.  You can say that right now by voting off gives these guys a chance to really say beyond this game, what is this game really about?"

I think even future players would agree: it's about winning a million dollars.  But Jim is so full of integrity & honour that its understandable he would forget about that part.  Coach is not falling for it, & counters, "It would send a message to everybody that if you stick up for yourself, you're gonna get screwed.  And I'm not gonna see that happen."  The fault in choosing Coach to pander to is that Coach identifies with Cochran, as he's been picked on his whole life.  Before he became the Dragonslayer, obviously.  But yes, as he confided in Cochran last week, he knows what it feels like to be marginalized.  Jim the bully apparently does not.
Ozzy tries a last ditch scare tactic, vowing that if he gets sent to Redemption, he'll return again, after feeding himself well & sending everyone else home.  Now the moment of truth: will the honourable Jim give his immunity necklace to Ozzy?  "I'm gonna keep it tonight."  Ozzy's mind is blown.  In my head, Cochran screams "COWARDLY PIECE OF SHIT WIENER!"

Not only do the OompaLoompas stick to voting Ozzy out, but Dawn does too, as does Whitney!  Whitney!  I know it doesn't make any difference at this point, but how come no one yells at her for directing traffic while Ozzy was thrown under a bus?  Ozzy jumps up, smiling a bit too widely, & says "You guys just fell for my master plan!"  Way to wow us with your thespian skills again, Ozzy.

For the first time, we see what life is like during the day at Redemption Island, & that's probably because the only footage they had previously was of Semhar speaking her truth amongst the trees & tide, & Christine rolling her eyes every 30 seconds.  Now we see beautiful footage of Ozzy spear-fishing in the reefs, & he truly is a rock-star otter fisher-boy.  Not only does he catch the biggest fish he's ever caught, but he also finds some tasty clams to crack open!

While Ozzy & Keith are feasting on the fresh fish, Ozzy wonders what everyone else is eating today.

The 2nd Immunity Challenge of the episode is brought to you by the letter B, & involves balancing a ball on a bended bow, while balancing on a beam. It's also one of those challenges that you can choose not to compete in, & instead gorge on pastries, doughnuts, cupcakes, muffins & iced coffee.  So there's your answer, Ozzy.
Damn you, Probst, & your tempting sweets! It drives me absolutely crazy when anyone chooses the food over competing, so to see Cochran & the former Oompas sit down & binge makes me sad.  I understand that they truly don't need immunity & are in a great position, but I still think everyone should compete, if only to prevent someone else from winning.  Of course, I say that with a belly full of Chinese food, so what do I know?  Everyone dives into the food with so much gusto it's like a food orgy.  When Probst asks Brandon a question, he says he wants to eat, not talk, yet he pauses to whisper sweet nothings to a muffin.

Jim falls out of the challenge early, leaving Dawn & Whitney to battle for immunity.  Probst tells Jim he has no chance at immunity, & Jim barks back with a bratty "I know!"  Dawn tells everyone eating that she'll try to stay in the challenge as long as possible so they can eat as much as they can (they have to stop eating when the challenge is over).  I'm sure immunity has nothing to do with it.  Brandon seems one cupcake away from a food coma, & Cochran offers his shoulder to rest his head on.  Awww.  Careful, Cochran....he may start stalking you next.  Dawn falters, & makes an amazing recovery, & Brandon demonstrates the effect sugar has by singing "So Awesome!"  Whitney wins immunity, which is a non-issue, since Cochran wants Jim gone, & apparently, everything's coming up Cochran right now.

Back at camp, we see that sugar is also coursing through Cochran's system, as he struts around wearing the Coach coat, dances, & then completes the look with Rick's hat.  It's nice to see Cochran comfortable around these people.  Jim tries to persuade Sophie & Albert to side with him, but they see no reason to budge, & Jim seems screwed.  Coach sees an opportunity to use metaphors, & compares Jim to a rhino & Dawn to a snake.  I like it.

At the 2nd tribal council of the night, Jeff seems very concerned with the justness of it all.  "Is it fair to say that it's Dawn or Jim?"  "Is it fair to say that Jim is more of a threat than Dawn?"  "Is it fair to say that Dawn may be more likeable?"  "Is it fair to say that this is what this tribe should do?"  Is it fair to say that someone may have sued Probst recently for past tribal council proceedings?

Dawn makes the mistake of saying that it was hard for her to watch everyone eat while she competed in the immunity challenge.  Uh-oh! Brandon's hand is up!  There's a reckoning about to be reckoned!  "You told us you had wanted to stay up there as long as possible so that we could eat.  You just contradicted what you said."  Silly Dawn tries to reason with Brandon, who forgives her, but will never again second a motion that Dawn is great.  Whitney feels vilified & vilified, & doesn't like that she's been vilified, because she's really a good person, you guys!

Everyone goes to vote, & Probst smiles as Cochran walks past him in the Coach coat.  Yes, he wore it to tribal council.  I am loving this shift in the game as a huge Cochran fan, but also because in my Survivor pool, out of about 40 entries of 3 names each, I am the only person who chose Cochran as one of my picks.  For the last 6 seasons, either my Husband, my Mother, or I have won this we're pretty awesome at guessing.  (Didn't bow-tie Bob teach you people anything?  Always bet on nerd.)  So if Cochran goes as far as I bet he would, before I even knew the depths of his adorableness, I'll be in a good position.

Jim is voted out, meaning that Cochran has crossed 3 of his tormentors off his list, & they're all hanging on Redemption Island wondering how this nerd put them all there.  Pretty amazing for a guy who was in a pretty desperate situation just a few days prior.  But never forget what Comer Cottrell once said, not 2000 years ago, "Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation".

Why, thank you!

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