Survivor South Pacific: Recap of the Recap

American Thanksgiving means a recap episode of Survivor.  Probst boasts there are 19 new scenes, but there's nothing really new here.  You might be thinking, "Great! Finally I'll get to hear from those people in the background who are somehow still in this game!"  Yeah, about that....the one time we hear Rick say something, we wish he had never said it.  This hour is just more entertaining footage of Coach & Cochran, which is fine by me.

Hey, CBS?  Coach's Halloween & Chuck E Cheese stories are absent.  We know they exist, because Stacey told us.  Now I am left to imagine the sheer awesomeness of these stories.
What has Coach gotten up to on Halloweens past?  Has he ever dressed up in anything but full dragon slayer regalia?  Has he ever protected a town from ghouls & goblins?
Did something unbelievable happen at a nephew's Chuck E Cheese party?  Or is this a memory from his childhood?  On a slight tangent, what was Coach's childhood like?

Benny Wade

I can't picture Coach the kid at a Chuck E Cheese.  Skee-ball & slides?  Where are the demons that require a beheading?
Wait - what if this is just one amazing story, a story to end all other stories?  Coach + Halloween + Chuck E Cheese?  I HAVE TO KNOW.

This recap episode is chock-full of Cochran soundbites, & here are a few right off the top:

"This is the best shape I've ever been in....this is as good as it gets."

Cochran guts fish with respect.  "I don't put fingers anywhere that I would not want fingers put on my body."  Cochran says this as his fingers are inside the fish, ripping out internal organs!  He is not as protective of his body as I am of mine.

Cochran reveals that Keith & Whitney have been doing more than sleeping in the tiny shelter they call the "bungalow".  "I just don't know if 9 months from now we're going to discover the product of this relationship."  I bet her husband back home has realized something is up as well.

On his game strategy: "I've always known I was going to be horrible at the tribe game.  The individual game, come merge time, is when I'm going to succeed.  I'm gonna be able to slither in & out of every alliance, bond & cut bonds as quickly as you can blink your eye, so if the merge comes & I'm still here, you're gonna see it happen."  

I'm sure there are gay men who can offer great advice on how to make yourself more appealing, & how to approach someone, but Papa Bear is not one of those men.  He gives Cochran pick-up advice which boils down to: wearing a tight shirt, rubbing your hands together, & telling a girl you like her earrings.  Whitney says what all women are thinking "I'd think you were gay."  However, who else but Cochran would tell a pretty girl an anecdote about that time in Kindergarten when you pooped your pants?  Not saying Papa Bear's pick-up techniques are great, but I'd go with the earring thing, Cochran.

Cochran is wearing the iconic Coach coat: "I feel like the dragon blood that flows through his veins is now entering my pores & into my bloodstream."

The best Cochran moment was at the very end, where the editors dubbed Cochran's Keith impersonation (solely comprised of sports metaphors) over a shot of Keith talking animatedly.  AMAZING JOB, EDITORS OF SURVIVOR.

This episode also showed us lots of Coach:

"Would I rather have Coach Wade on my tribe or would I rather have Ozzy?  I'd rather have Ozzy on my tribe, absolutely!  Come on, give me a break, I'm not a great Survivor!  BUT..."

Brandon wanted Coach on his side as Coach has played with honour the past 2 times.  He asks Coach for a commitment, & Coach's face lights up.  SOMEONE LIKES ME!  They make their promises as men of God.  Personally, I think someone who is trustworthy without the fear of eternal damnation hanging over them should they ever go back on their word would be a better person to trust.

We see a nasty side of Coach, as he punishes a sick-to-her-stomach Mikayla for using too much cream & sugar in her coffee by talking about pork fat, cooking it, & choking down some pieces.  This is the leftover fat from the leftover pork from the gross pork challenge when everyone's spit was mixed in with the pork.  It made me want to vomit, let alone poor Mikayla.

Yeah.  Fat from that pork.

Coach gently tells Brandon everyone loves him, but they're concerned about his behaviour at tribal councils, & Brandon asks to pray on it.  Coach prays, "Give him unbelievable self control when it comes to his tongue."  And the stalking of ladies!  How could you forget the stalking?  Sigh.  It could have changed everything.  Maybe.  

Not really.

Coach can't believe the conditions at the Steve Vai camp, which they are all sharing now.  "Who allows people to live like this?"  Answer: Ozzy the beach bum.  Coach sees that the Steve Vai tribe is "treating Cochran like dirt, & that's not gonna stand on Coach Wade's watch."  This needs to be a catch phrase, & I vow to start it.  He continues, "That kind of stuff pisses me off, so you know what, Cochran?  Come over here.  I've got room under my wing for you."

Coach gives Cochran a run down of the camp if they could all live in Greek mythology.  This automatically nudges Joss Whedon off my list of top 5 dinner guests, & Coach is now on it.  Sorry, Joss, but there's only room for 1 guest's slayer stories at my dinner party.

Ozzy is Narcissus.  Whitney is Erato.  Edna is Echo.  OK, everyone keeps saying she talks a lot, but we've only seen that in one episode.

Cochran is Hercules, obviously.  Coach, of course is Zeus, father & leader of all.  Cochran is slightly concerned.  "I seem to think Zeus ate his children?  I'm fearing that Coach may at some point devour me."  However, it was Zeus' father Cronus who swallowed his children.

Not to be outdone by Cochran's mistake, Coach quotes Nietzsche.  Or Coach thinks he quotes Nietzsche: "When you have more arrogance, you have less wisdom."  Nope, can't find that anywhere.  By anyone.  Good try, though.

Jim has a nice little moment after Brandon loses a chicken where he jokes, "Maybe Brandon can pray for it to come back & it'll show back up."

Finally, in a clip that is sure to be commented on by Joel McHale on Friday's The Soup, Rick speaks about Brandon's inability to properly kill the chicken.  (& I thought Brandon would be such a natural at murder!) Regarding Rick, it is suddenly clear why he hasn't had much screen time.  "It's a chicken! You go for the neck & you spin it around & you kill it!  Or bite his head off if you want to be cool-looking.  Just stretch it out & bite it."

That's not gonna stand on Coach Wade's watch.

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