Thursday, April 12, 2012

Survivor One World: 24.9 Prospector Dance & More Idol-Crotch

Wow.  This season has so many huge mistakes in it, I'm surprised Gob Bluth hasn't popped up.
Here is my Survivor pet peeves countdown:
3. Throwing a challenge
2. Stepping down from a challenge for food
1. Giving up immunity.  Originally, this referred to an individual immunity idol or necklace, but I'll be damned if now it doesn't include giving up tribal immunity as a group.  I didn't even know that was a thing until this season.

Also, I despise the word "panties".  So I was very frustrated & almost physically ill watching this episode.

Last week Jay was crazy suspicious of the girls, & that was before they voted out another guy, Mike.  He should be even more suspicious now, right?  Especially after dreaming of getting shot.  That can't be good.

Tarzan notes that the girls are taking out the guys since they fell apart, & I agree with Tarzan.  How different it would have been if the original Menudo, you know, hadn't given up their immunity in order to vote someone out.  Bill would have been spared his awful fate, tribes would have been switched up, (don't worry, Colton still would have been med evac'd), AND the numbers for the merge would have been different.

Troyzan tells Tarzan it's not over yet.  And yes, that will be the tagline for my new screenplay, which follows 2 Zans as they make their way through the jungle, in search of immunity, monkeys, & someone to clean the poop out of someone's underpants.

Back to the very serious, Troyzan tells Tarzan not to worry, because there could be an Immunity Idol out there somewhere.

"Well, now you're just making stuff up. Community Midol? LOLZ"

Troyzan persists, saying he could get a core of 5 together - the 2 of them plus Leif, Jay & Christina.

"Stop it with the jokes, I'm gonna poop my pants!"

Tree Mail comes with a Do-it-Yourself Reward Challenge, meaning no Probst.  What, do you think those magnificent dimples take care of themselves?  Probst gets shot in the face with a BB gun twice a year.

The challenge is a version of Ladder Toss: 2 balls on a string are thrown around numbered pegs to score.  I'm wondering if Probst knew balls were involved before booking his dimple-maintenance on this many innuendos are we missing out on?  The tribe draws coloured rocks to divide into teams, & the reward is a boat ride to a secluded island where they will have a local BBQ feast.

Troyzan, our resident superfan, claims the title of host, but Probst he is not.  Not one ball joke!  Kat is the first to score, with a 2.  Troyzan steps up & Kat suggests "take your time like I did", so of course, Troyzan just tosses it all willy-nilly & fails to score.  Tarzan scores a 4, bringing the red tribe up to 6.  Christina puts the black team on the board with 1, but they barely clap for her, even though it's better than anything they've done so far.  Sabrina can't do any better - it's like these guys have never played resort games while on vacation.

A proud day when my husband kicked our son's ass at Ladder Toss.

So the red tribe wins, & Troyzan, Tarzan, Jay, Alicia & Kat will enjoy the reward.  Now with celebrating, there are different ways you can go.  You can bask in your own, undeniable beauty while others hoot & holler around you.

You can jump up & down, leaving everyone wondering how those girls are staying put?

You can go the Douchey McTool route, & push a little person out of your way so YOU can jump in the water & celebrate, damnit.

But Tarzan was inspired by a different contestant this season: a Survivor who just had to dance his joy out.

So Tarzan, not being quite as limber as he used to be, goes for a classic.  The classic dance of an old-timey cartoon prospector  who has just discovered gold in them thar hills.  I don't want to increase the amount of time your eyeballs have to see Tarzan in his Speedos, but this is just too good to leave out.  Sorry, everyone's eyeballs.

The whole time, all Troyzan wanted was a high-five.

The boat comes & whisks the revelers away with rum & coconuts.  This is Tarzan's first reward, so he is starving & over-exuberant, even raving about the architectural structure of the crabs.  There is a rainbow in the sky, & I think of Kourtney.  *Sigh*

Jay wants reassurance, because he still has some suspicion left over from last week, but not enough to actually do something.  "At this point it's hard to trust anybody.  And if somebody has numbers on you, it's definitely hard to trust them....There's definitely gonna be some blindsides coming up.  I just hope it's not me."

Meanwhile, Chelsea is having a tough time with the hard decisions at hand regarding Troyzan & Jay.  "Looking them in the eyes & telling them they can trust me & then betraying them?  That is just not me at all."  Well, I get that, but at the same time, I don't usually charge my family for utilities or rent when they stay the night, but when I play Monopoly, we are vicious.  FOR FAKE MONEY.

Sabrina doesn't like Chelsea's doubts.  "Back to day one, we formed this alliance.  This is what we're gonna stick with...going to the end requires some big girl decisions.  You gotta put on your big girl panties & make a big girl decision.  You knew it was gonna have to come to this."

Jay understands the danger in messing with a plan already in motion.  I would agree with this most of the time, but Survivor is all about adapting.  He talks to Kat & suggests the next to go should be Alicia.  Kat: "And she's weaker than who?"  Jay takes a deep breath & speaks a little more slowly.  "She's a threat, she works both sides..."  When asked if she's cool with that, Kat says "What am I gonna say, "no"?  Jay looks at her with suspicion, but darnit, she's so cute!  So when Chelsea & Kim join them & he tells them Alicia, & asks "Can we make that set & not derive from it?", he doesn't even pick up on the glances back & forth & the pauses before answering.  Jay is suddenly naive or in denial, neither of which makes sense because he was so paranoid just a few days earlier.   Chelsea is still having a hard time.  "Jay is a hard person to look in the eye & lie to."  Well, yeah, because first you have to not look at the rest of him.

Hey girl. If you're searching for my eyes, they're near the top.

The girls know they won't win against a guy because the jury is looking to be made up of mostly guys.  Troyzan sees the girls talking & he knows what's up.  Jay doesn't want to believe it.  Jay asks Troy if he'd ever give up on a challenge for food, & Troyzan is a quick "No".  Point for Troyzan.  "I just don't want them to pull some fast move on this one."  Does this reignite Jay's suspicion?  "I really, really, really don't see that happening." 3 reallys.

Kat takes her Bieber hoodie & stands in front of a giant fan to get that sexy, wind-blown hoodie look.

The Immunity Challenge Tree Mail is read aloud, & Tarzan is now wearing a women's shirt, for some unexplained reason.

My husband's theory: He's posing as a women to avoid being voted out.

On to the Immunity Challenge that a green-shirted Probst calls "a Survivor Classic".

Survivors stand barefoot on a perch, with one hand tethered to a bucket.  When that arm drops, the bucket of water dumps on them, & they are out.  Ready to start it off, Probst says, "This challenge is officially..."

"...on."  Tarzan is out before the challenge even starts.  Probst brings out a food item to tempt with, & Christina falls just before the reveal, missing out on cookies & milk.  Sabrina jumps down for the snack & at home I'm all WTF.  I HATE when people do this.  To compete or eat?  COMPETE, every time.  Even if you are 100% safe, don't you want to prevent someone else from winning?  And how would you ever feel 100% safe?  And for cookies?  Are you kidding me?  Do you know how many times I could have bailed on writing this recap to go eat food?  My son's Easter chocolate is EVERYWHERE, but I resist.  UGH.  Hate. it.

Alicia says she may want the next plate, & Jay taunts her "You take that food, I'm gonna vote you out."  Alicia passes on cupcakes, but Kim & Kat jump down for them.  Alicia then tells Chelsea she's going to drop out & eat whatever's next, so Chelsea can win it for the girls.  Jay says, "It's kind of strange how Alicia feels safe enough to do this, almost like she's in an alliance with all the girls."  He doesn't say that?  Oh.  How are alarm bells not going off in Jay's head?  The girls aren't even pretending anymore!  Does he just think they've convinced Alicia she's safe?  If so, isn't he thinking maybe they've done the same with him?  Again, UGH.  Alicia jumps down & is rewarded with a bowl of candy & chocolate, yet I still resist the Easter loot surrounding me.

After 45 minutes, there are 4 left - Leif, Troyzan, Jay & Chelsea.  Troyzan loses his balance & is out, & rightfully pissed about it.  Probst brings out chicken wings & beer & JAY STEPS DOWN.  I can't...I mean...

Chelsea looks at Leif & says, "I can tell you this - if you step down, it makes you less of a threat."  Probst is loving this.  "Chelsea is saying winning this actually works against you.  Who do you trust?"  Not Probst, who brings out the last food item & parades it in front of them: 3 burgers, chips & beer.

Chelsea doesn't want to look at it.  Probst translates, "Leif, she's telling you 'Step down from the challenge, take a burger, & make yourself less of a threat.'  Sounds like a great deal if you buy it."
Leif: "Chelsea, is that true?"
Chelsea: "Yeah, it's true."
Leif: "Is that true?"
Chelsea: "Look at me in the eyes - it's it buddy."
And Leif jumps down.  AND SHARES HIS FOOD WITH HER.

Chelsea is coming around to the knowledge she has to vote out Tryozan & Jay.  "I hate to be that person, but I love money."  The girls decide to split the vote at Kim's suggestion: 5 for Troyzan, 3 for Jay.  Jay goes to Kim for reassurance & she's all smiles & blue eyes, so what's to doubt?

Troyzan does the same, but is suspicious of Kim's exuberance.  "'You're safe! You're safe!' only have to say it once."  Troyzan appeals to Jay to wake up.  "I have an idol, bro.  I'm playing it."  Jay tells Tryozan he's worrying too much.  You know who told Jay he was worrying too much last week?  Mike, the guy who was blindsided.  Troy wants to switch votes from Alicia to Kim, so if they flush out the idol, she will go home.

Your secrets are safe with me, bro.

So, naturally, Jay tells Kim all of this.  I know he doesnt want to go to the end with Troyzan, but come on.  You have to see the foolishness of telling another guy's plans to the ringleader of the women.  Kim is worried that she doesn't have enough time before Tribal to change plans.  "He put the fear of God into me."

At Tribal Council, Probst asks who feels in danger.  Kim, Jay & Troyzan put up their hands.  Again, Alicia isn't even pretending anymore.  Troyzan says he started getting suspicious after the Immunity Challenge.  "You can sort of tell by who decides to step out first & get food, who applauds who when someone goes out, you know, I noticed that when I went out, everybody applauded, even some of the tribe that I thought would be rooting for me, might be rooting against me."

Alicia also notices things, like "who takes their bags to Tribal Council & who doesn't.  I notice what shorts are worn today & what shorts aren't being worn today."  She looks at Troyzan.  "He's got a lot of pockets there", she says, implying Troyzan has an idol in one of those pockets, since he was wearing swim trunks earlier in the day.

It's voting time, & we see Jay put his vote in for Alicia.  "I told you not to step down."  Right?  Who would give up a chance at Immunity for food? 

Million dollar wings, anyone?

Time to play an Idol if you have it, & Troyzan stands up.  Does he reach into one of the many pockets in his cargo shorts?  Perfectly acceptable form of transporting an Immunity Idol from camp to Jeff Probst's hands?  Nope.  'Tis the season of Idol Crotch, after all.

Let me just pull this out of my crotch for you, Jeff.
"Troyzan, why is this so warm?"

Votes are read & it seems that Kim did have enough time before Tribal to rearrange everything, as Jay is voted out.  What is confusing to me is that Tarzan voted for Jay.  Troyzan must have gone to him with his Kim plan, & told him to vote for the pretty one with the beautiful eyes.  Oh, Tarzan.

So we have to say goodbye to Jay.  So suspicious a week ago, smarter than he appeared, yet dumb enough to trust without question in the game of Survivor.  Let's remember his words to Alicia in the Immunity Challenge: "You take that food, I'm gonna vote you out."  So true.

Here are Michael's Ponderosa videos.  For Americans, you can watch the videos here, but for the rest of us, here they are.  There's food & grooming, & arts & crafts.

And another cute video, the charming & dashing Joel McHale's new ad for Nintendo 3DS...I managed to pry my eyes off all the handsome in this video & who do I see?  Survivor's Amanda Kimmel!  She wins Survivor All-Stars AND gets thisclose to Joel McHale.  Just when I'm getting jealous, I remember she dated Ozzy for awhile.  Jealousy gone.

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