The internet is a wondrous beast. The home of trolling & lurking is also home to creativity, art, & fun. When you find something cool, there's nothing better than sharing it, & this is when the internet is at its best. So, I thought I'd start gathering up my favourite things of the week...basically, I have to do something with this candy-coated knowledge I collect.
These are the things that I think are great. So great that I want to sing about them.
STEVE MILLER VENN DIAGRAM
This is passing around the internet faster than Willie Nelson can pass his joint to Snoop Dogg. And rightfully so.
Yes, Jack Nicholson should be a Joker, but it doesn't make this any less wonderful.
8-BIT GAME OF THRONES
I recently discovered this video of Game of Thrones as an 8-bit RPG game. It's a little old, but I just found it, so it's new to me, damnit. DO NOT WATCH if you haven't read/watched Game of Thrones. If you haven't, what's your problem? Don't like awesomeness?
#JUNKRAVENS
Another one for Game of Thrones fans, this hashtag on twitter is what makes twitter so wonderful. On Thursday, the very funny @bazecraze tweeted: "Game of Thrones would be more realistic if people were constantly throwing out junk ravens." By the afternoon, that tweet had spawned the hashtag #JunkRavens, which when searched, led you to the kind of junk mail that Westeros would be plagued with. My favourite is from @mariancall: "I am a queen in exile in the East I am owed a kingdom but need some cash & ships up front dear friend can you help". If you're a fan, check it out. Lots of clever people out there.
JOEL KINNAMAN
My husband & I say one thing after every episode of AMC's The Killing: Holder is the best part. I kind of hope they never find out who murdered Rosie Larson, because I want to keep watching him. Swedish actor Joel Kinnaman plays the greasy Detective Stephen Holder, struggling with an addiction to hoodies among other things. He is all gangsta talk with a heart of gold, & provides a tiny bit of comic relief to this dark, depressing show. After last Sunday's episode, I wanted to find out more about him & I was shocked. He went from this guy:
to this guy:
It could be that he's calling for all kids to drop out of school & shoot up in the streets. I don't know, but when I stop swooning, I'm going to agree with whatever he said. 100%. He is going to be the next Robocop in the upcoming remake, & yes, I will be there.
CHILD'S OWN STUDIO
This is so crazy cool, I can't help but be very, very excited about it. Child's Own Studio is a place where you can have your child's drawing turned into a stuffed animal. Check out these amazing examples:
I'm going through my son's drawings to choose which one to immortalize in fabric & stuffing:
His interpretation of Garfield, perhaps?
A giant cross-eyed robot with braces?
EVERY SINGLE GUY IN THIS DRAWING?
FLOG
This is actually my
favourite thing of the past month, & it is what inspired me to start this
Confectionery series of blogs: Felicia Day's YouTube show, FLOG. Felicia Day is a heroine for many a nerdy girl. She is a smart, sexy gamer chick. Bonus points for being a redhead! And she
was in Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, for Joss-sakes! If anyone ever
plays a hotter, less-socially awkward version of myself in a movie,
please let it be her.
My son just walked by & thought this was me. He gets ice cream.
New FLOGs come out every Monday, & they are delightful. Felicia shares her favourite things of the week, goes on a learning
adventure/excursion of some sort (sometimes she just plays a retro video
game, & yes, it is as awesome as it sounds), & answers fan
letters.
Felicia presents her Fave Five list in her show, but I will most likely
be keeping this in written form...I've only made this one vlog, for
an assignment. Hopefully, you'll find it charming, but I think we can
all agree that the best parts involved Kai.
...so, yeah...not quite as professional as my favourite episode of FLOG
so far, where Felicia learns about Steampunk, & creates backstories
for each costume she tries on:
She is adorable & I love her, so watch the show, & subscribe to her YouTube channel, Geek & Sundry.
SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW
Wait! I know you're sick of this song, but just in case you missed the kick-ass a capella version posted a few months ago by the ridiculously-talented group Pentatonix, I had to share it. It is my favourite version of this song, over the original AND the 1 guitar version, & the hundreds of other times this song has been covered. Yes, I'm sick of the song, but I'm not sick of watching these guys sing it. I still listen to it a few times a week, & like to watch it several times, to give my attention to each part individually. Because I'm a music nerd who likes to have my mind blown by awesomeness.
Those were my favourite internet sweets of the past week. Come back next week for more goodies!
Paul & I were one of those Disney Honeymooning couples - we are not lie-in-the-sun/work-on-our-tan kind of people. We like to do things when we get away, & we knew we wanted to do Disney together as a couple, before we had any children. We enjoyed it so much, we went back the year later, just the 2 of us.
9 months later, Kai* was born.
When Kai was 2, we were itching to go back...even if it meant being a stroller parent at Disney. *shudder*
It is a special thing to capture the magic & wonder of seeing Disney through your child's eyes. It really is a different experience to go with your child...& I documented all of the fun & excitement.
1st day of our road trip! Here we come, Disney!
Almost there! Great job of holding your excitement in!
At Magic Kingdom!
At MGM Studios!
Animal Kingdom!
Epcot!
Downtown Disney!
On our way back home!
We're home!
Clearly, it was exhausting.
*He was thisclose to being named Prince Charming Ferreira
One of my favourite bands from high school has reunited & is working on a new record. This is exciting enough, but how they're going about it is what's causing the buzz right now. Currently, they're not signed to a record label, so what to do about that pesky issue of distribution? When you have a sizeable & dedicated fan base like BFF does, the answer is squished at the front of the stage, screaming "Rock this bitch!" & trying to buy you a beer.
Guys, I bet the "Rock this bitch" dude would totally pay for our album.
On May 7, Ben Folds posted a link online, leading to a pledgemusic page. There, BFF fans can pledge to give a minimum amount of $10 to the making & distribution of this record. With that minimum pledge, you get a download of the album, & status as a VP of Promotions, with your name in album/poster art. VPs also have first access to updates, new songs, videos...basically anything BFF wants to share. There are different levels of pledges all the way up to $62 for a signed Vinyl, a BFF t-shirt + the download.
A goal was set (the number amount isn't posted like the popular crowdsourcing site kickstarter), & less than 24 hours later, the goal had been reached. It has been 3 weeks since the site went live, & there have been over 4500 pledges, reaching 222% of the original goal. All from being shared via their fans. Pretty incredible.
20 years from now, our fans will fund our album. For really realz.
In 2007, Radiohead famously offered downloads of In Rainbows for whatever you deemed its worth to be. Thought to be a huge gamble, it became a commercial success. Progressive band Spock's Beard recently funded an album via pre-orders, & with the highest package came this exclusive: your name, included in a song. And surprisingly, they did a fantastic job of something I thought would be a train wreck. They managed to fit a list of names seamlessly into the lyrics & the feel of the song. The whole opus is incredible, but you probably don't have 9 minutes to listen to one song (yay prog!), so you can skip to the 3:40 mark if you'd like to hear the names. It will be out of context, but I won't tell.
*Update: BFF has just announced they will soon be offering limited
editions of a customized song, featuring names in a verse written just
for them. They are the coolest.*
So, it's debatable that the process is nothing new to the music industry, but it is new for Ben Folds, who recently admitted in an interview, "One thing that I would like to get across in any article that comes out
is that we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. We don’t know what
we’re doing. We’re not pretending like we
know what we’re doing. We can afford not to know what we’re doing. A
lot of bands are not going to be able to do that. So, we’ll try it -
maybe people will look at it, see what’s going on and it will be helpful
in some way. We’ll learn something."
Will this collaboration actually influence the content of the album? Will Ben, Darren & Robert listen to every twitter suggestion? Probably not, but these are the guys who turned that drunken cry from the audience into a BFF concert staple. A constantly-evolving song that became such a fan-favourite, Ben was urged to perform it during a show with an unprepared orchestra.
And Ben is a guy who performed a show made up entirely out of audience requests that were thrown at him via paper airplanes.
So, really, for a band that has always improvised, encouraged audience participation, & has always maintained a close relationship with their fans, this step couldn't be more logical for them. And us. To me, Ben Folds Five has always been equal parts fun & heart...whatever this album becomes, I'm sure it will be that, however it gets in my ears.
"That’s not really what you remember when you’re on your death bed: ‘Wow,
I remember that record, the way it was distributed. That was amazing…’
You remember the songs and how it affected you. That’s going to be the
real story. So that will blow over - all this Kickstarter/pledge stuff
will blow over in moments and it will be about the music." - Ben Folds
I can't wait to hear the results.
Leaving you with the newest track from Ben Folds Five, this is Lisa Ferreira, VP of Promotions.
I have my issues with FOX. They have a history of sabotaging some truly great shows by moving them to the "Friday night death-slot" (Fringe), or just outright cancelling them far before their time (Firefly, Arrested Development). So it was nice to see them do something right for a change, namely, air Swan Song, a love letter from Hugh Laurie to the show that introduced him at large to North American audiences & gave him the incredible role of Dr. Gregory House. Such memoirs are often relegated to the last disc in a Blu-Ray boxed set, where only special-feature-junkies (guilty!) will view it. To air it directly before the finale was lovely, & a touching tribute to everyone who has made this show work for the past 8 years from the other side of the camera.
[Spoilers Below]
The actual finale, Everybody Dies, felt a bit forced - it never really felt like the end of the series until the last 4 minutes. I'm sure there will be haters, dismissing the ending as a cop-out, but you can't deny it was very "House". After all, it's always lupus or sarcoidosis until a revelation in the last 4 minutes.
It was extremely satisfying following the #House hashtag on twitter during the last 10 minutes of the West Coast airing. "WTF DID YOU REALLY KILL OFF THE MAIN CHARACTER?" came up often, & was supremely hilarious because a) it's the finale, so that wouldn't be surprising at all, & b) it would be quickly followed by a "nvm. WTF HE'S ALIVE NOW?" You all just got Housed.
House was a wonderful show to invest in. Sure, cases were always solved in 44 minutes (& really, could that guy still have his license?) but it was never just a medical procedural. House was a character so complex that even after 8 years, I never knew what to expect. How far would this guy go? Could he ever change?
A few times each season it would have abstract, surreal episodes that just took your breath away. Three Stories will always be my favourite House episode, with House's Head a close second. Brilliant writing coupled with the always excellent Hugh Laurie made this program appointment television (long after you needed an actual appointment, thanks to DVRs).
"Haven't you ever seen Dead Poet's Society? Carpe Diem, & all that."
Aside from the gold standard set by Boston Legal's Denny Crane &
Alan Shore, has there been a better depiction of male friendship on television? After
all the medical mysteries House will ever tackle are solved, the show
ends with House & Wilson riding off into the sunset to spend their
last months together. There's an implication that when Wilson's cancer
gets really bad, House will let him end it...or perhaps, end it for him.
Where were you?
The finale was lacking one key cast member: Lisa Edelstein (Cuddy). I mean, I get that Cuddy wouldn't bother attending House's funeral after he had driven his car into her house, endangering her & her child. I guess. But with a roster of hallucinations including Stacey (Sela Ward), Cameron (Jennifer Morrison), Amber (Anne Dudek), & freaking Kutner (Kal Penn), you would think he would have hallucinated Cuddy as well, arguably the most important person in his past. Whatever the reasons for Edelstein not returning, it left a hole in an otherwise fitting finale.
One last tidbit: to bring the series full circle, "Cancer's boring" was the last line
of the show. It was also spoken by House in the pilot episode, Everybody Lies, when he didn't want to take on a cancer patient.
The Final Five returns to the Keanu camp after voting out Tarzan. Kim wants to reflect on how far the woman have come & girls rule & boys drool. Um, I don't think it's ok that the girls suddenly go feminist after they spent the first week or so whining to the boys about needing fire, or a proper shelter, or how cold & wet they were the moment a massive-ass storm came rolling in. Future female Survivor contestants: if you want to be a shining light of feminism, learn how to make fire before you begin the game. Learn how to build a shelter. Keep an eye on your supplies & don't let bankers steal them. Go out there already knowing the basics so you don't have to go running to the boys, making women look weak. So, good for you, Final 5, for making it this far, but don't claim it for womanhood. It wasn't girl power that caused the original Menudo to self-implode, give up Tribal Immunity & vote Bill out, causing a downward spiral for the men that they couldn't recover from. That was luck, & the girls took advantage of it. Suffragettes, you are not.
Kim suggests to Sabrina they could vote Chelsea out, because she'd likely get lots of jury votes. Sabrina is shocked; betraying Chelsea has never crossed her mind before. And this is why Sabrina shouldn't win Survivor - by this point, every option available should be weighed. Sabrina later admits that she can't separate the game from reality, & if you can't do that, you can't play this game. Alicia is also on Team Vote Chelsea Out, & it is crazy that everyone is forgetting the better target: Kim.
The Immunity Challenge is basically everything they could think of to throw in one challenge. They have to untie ropes, unlock a gate, walk a balance beam maze, climb up a steep ramp, bounce around on a rope net, untie 5 bags containing puzzle pieces, climb back down, assemble the pieces correctly to get clues, use those clues to find 3 numbers, & use those numbers in a combination in the correct order to release a flag. Can you repeat that one more time, Probst? I'm just going to skip ahead to a flag being raised, because the rope net makes me think of poor Kourtney & her broken arm on that poorly-designed first challenge. Sigh.
Kim wins Immunity for the 3rd time, & everyone is acting as if this gives Kim the power to take whomever she wants to the Final 4. All it really means is that you can't vote for Kim. If she wants Alicia gone, but Chelsea, Christina & Alicia want to take out Sabrina, they totally can. But they are all blindly following Kim. Good for Kim, but depressing & boring for us to watch. Kim is not as entertaining as Boston Rob.
At Tribal, Probst asks Kim why this decision would be hard for her - isn't it easy to take people you could beat to the end? And while you're looking through me with your baby blues, would you like to host the show, Kim? I don't want to be in your way. If this is something you want, I'll just hand it to you. Kim blinks & breaks her hold on Probst & says it's hard because she's attached to all the women left. "I think it's just my heart...like, it does get in the way...Is that a song?" Somewhere in Tennessee, curled up in Keith Tollefson's giraffe neck, is Whitney Duncan, now furiously writing a country song.
"What rhymes with vilified?"
Everyone follows Kim's orders, & Alicia is voted out. I hope there's a supportive bra waiting for you at Ponderosa. Week after week, your breasts tried to escape from my television screen. I had no idea there were so many unflattering bikini tops for large busts. Hopefully you were just as horrified as the rest of us.
Burn it.
Burn it.
Burn it.
You can keep this one.
This Tribal Council was the last time an Immunity Idol could have been played, so I'm wondering why Kim didn't give hers to Chelsea, even if only to play the "I protected my ally" card at the Final Jury?
The next day, the Final 4 do the Fallen Comrades walk. It wasn't aired last season, even though they did it, but isn't it something for the Final 3 to do? Not sure why it was done at this stage. Anyway, usually it's boring & full of "oh, he played with such heart" & slow-mo montages as if these people died, & didn't just, you know, stop playing a game.
First up on the walk is Kourtney, & just like that the best 90 seconds of the 3 hour finale is over. I hear her musical voice admit she'll probably be the brunt of "many a joke for many moons" & I guarantee to physically harm anyone who makes a joke at Kourtney's expense. What happened to her was not cool. Kourtney Moon, I pledge myself in your service, before the old gods & the new. I will be your Brienne of Tarth, my fair Lady Catelyn, as long as we can do shots after I slay some motherf@$%ers.
Then there are a bunch of other people who were voted out.
The final Immunity Challenge is pretty cool - using a long pole, they must move 10 small wooden bowls through a channel-maze-thing to stack all 10 on top of the structure. It all sits on a spring, so it will wobble if you hit the sides, sending all your bowls crashing down. Here's some inside scoop on how this challenge was designed:
Probst: "I would like to have a reason to say 'All the girls are on their poles now', ok?"
Design Team: "We will make it so."
Christina puts forth a great effort, but surprise, surprise: Kim takes the last Immunity & is in the Final 3.
Back at Keanu, Kim says to Christina "Pop quiz: we all know you're going home next unless you change my mind. What do you do? What do you do?" Christina says it's been nice playing & she's just going to enjoy her last day, & you're forgiven & yay for spot #4.
After Christina holds her own head under the water, hoping to make it even easier for Kim to get rid of her, Kim is thinking maybe Christina would be an awesome person to take to the Final 3 after all. Is Christina a genius? Was she reverse-psychology-ing her the whole time? Sadly, no...but that would have been awesome.
At Tribal, Alicia & Kat come out wearing CRAZY amounts of eye-makeup. The Ponderosa videos reveal that Alicia has done the makeup for both her & Kat, & it's awful. It's a more ridiculous version of my stage makeup from a production that I was in, playing a goth.
After a tedious Tribal Council, the Final 3 will be Kim, Chelsea & Sabrina. Christina is voted out & seems totally fine with it. I think she genuinely just wants people to like her, & think nice thoughts about her, & she wants to avoid confrontation. I get that. I'm the same way (unless you mess with Kourtney, & then I will cut you). But I have to think that I would be different playing a game for $1,000,000. I mean, I'm hardcore when it comes to our Rock Band parties, & there's no cash prize.* You want to sing Carry on My Wayward Son? Bitch, no. That is my song. There'll be peace when you are done. Get off my damn mic. Don't you cry no more.
The next day, Sabrina is getting emotional about making it to the Final 3 & you would not believe the triumphant music in the background. You would think she's about to storm a battlefield or something. If anyone gets to be Brienne, it is me.
On to the Final Tribal Council, & opening statements to the Jury. Chelsea asks Probst if she can stand, because she feels "it helps out a little bit". Probst says sure, & asks if she'd like to strip down & oil up, because that would probably help a lot.
Vote for me.
Chelsea's plea helped Kim more than herself: she worked with Kim, but at the merge she knew she had to leave her emotions out of it or she wouldn't get far. So she couldn't do what Kim did without sacrificing the social game, while Kim made emotional connections with everyone.
Kim spoke about her love of the game, how she saw it as a game, the end justifies the means... No mention of having an idol & never using it, & she didn't even use the "outwit, outplay, outlast" motto, which I thought strange. She would have been one of the only people who could say they actually did all three (even if it was boring to watch because no one else around her would make any moves).
Sabrina says her strategy was to have balance - she knew she could be overbearing, so she underplayed the challenges. She says she can't separate the game from real life. Tells the jury she was laid off. Pretty blah.
Jonas is up first, & is very serious. "When I address you by a name, I want you to answer 'Yes, Master Jonas'" & then he dissolves into laughter. He tells Chelsea she's cute & she is all "what? really?"
A different Taylor Swift shocked face than the one I've been using all season? You've been Swifted.
Jonas blushes & says all the guys agree Chelsea is the hottest girl out there, & Kat, Christina, Kim, Sabrina, & Alicia all line up to get slapped in the face by a tuna-wielding Jonas.
Christina asks Chelsea "Why do you hate people?" & it's hilarious. Chelsea says she had to take her heart out of the game, & she's really not a cold-hearted bitch in real life.
Jay says something, but mostly continues to be pretty.
Michael asks for a definition of "blindside" because everyone keeps telling him he was blindsided, but he doesn't play college football or know Sandra Bullock, so what gives? Now that he understands, he asks Kim if she thinks she's perfected the art of a blindside. Um, there is no art, you just have to be willing to make a big move. The only other person willing to make a big move was Troyzan, & nobody would play this game with him.
Tarzan spends his time talking about his wife & thanks the girls for letting him get to the point in the game where his wife could set foot on the island. Talks about how he will always remember her whispered breath & footprints in the sand until God brings them together again on an atomic level, & dude, we already covered that you're a romantic bastard. Unbelievably, Chelsea hasn't had enough of this & says that he has opened up her eyes to the possibilities of love & never knew a love like that could really exist. Whitney Duncan will be up all night writing country songs.
Leif (who I totally captured in DrawSomething, as you can see) is bitter & wants to know why he was voted out. Really? You were 1 of 2 guys left, & it was clear the women were voting the men out after Jay left. Waste of a question.
Alicia stands up & man, she is delusional, & has an extremely poor grasp of the English language for a teacher. "Kim. You & I played this game very similar. I was a kingpin. I had my pawns: Christina & Tarzan. You have your pawns: Sabrina & Chelsea. Homegirl, you know if I was sitting next to you, you'd be shitting bricks right now. Because without you getting me out, I would have had more chances of winning that money than any of youse. And actually, I'm super gladder, because I didn't know Ms. Puerto Rico over here could actually be a potential threat, like, who thought that, you know?"
I'm also super gladder Alicia was voted out, aren't you?
Troyzan, sporting PJ pants, asks Kim one question that will determine if she gets his vote or not. When did she decide to vote him out? Kim says "When we voted Jonas out", but that was not what Troyzan wanted to hear, I guess, so no vote for Kim. Maybe if she had said she knew he was a threat the moment she saw him? I do find this stunt of Troyzan's surprising, because I would have thought a real Survivor fan would put aside any bitterness & vote based on how the game was played.
Kat gets up & says she was hurt & destroyed by Kim voting her out, but she's over it now & would like to share something. "When I was 12, I had 2 open heart surgeries, & in order for me to have kids, I have to have another one in 12 years, which is, like, now, at 22." She's really trying, so no one tell her that her math is wrong. Full House music swells & she teaches the jury a lesson in forgiveness & no day but today & pleads with them to not vote in anger.
Everyone votes, Probst grabs the urn & walks through the forest, & I'm hoping for another great journey-with-the-urn montage, because I cannot get enough of this video from the Vanuatu finale.
I mean, come on, that is awesome. Probst takes the urn & hacks his way through the jungle with a
machete all night long. When dawn breaks, he finds a waiting plane that flies over an
Indiana Jones map to the US, & then he skydives out of the plane, landing
next to a motorcycle which he rides to LA. Come on. Bring that back. Instead, he just walks into the studio.
Chelsea's eyebrows are brought to you by Benjamin Moore.
Now we're in NY for the live show, & hey, I see Blossom in the crowd for a split second. What an appropriate amount of time to showcase someone who has nothing to do with Survivor other than her current show being on the same network! Kind of like when Fringe's Walter Bishop shows up in the American Idol audience & you're like, "Hey, I just spotted John Noble behind Seacrest, smiling & being quiet! Cool beans. I bet Phillip Phillips is his favourite. I'll just have to keep wondering, because spending time on that conversation during a live show would be ridiculous.
Probst spends 3 minutes soaking up the applause before reading the votes. Sabrina gets 2 of the votes (from Troyzan & Leif), & Kim gets the rest.
The least surprising winner in the history of Survivor.
Now, my thoughts on Reunion Shows are that they are always disappointing. Last season, Probst took a question from a little girl asking Ozzy, "How do you
climb trees & swim so well?", yet he didn't have time to say one word to Mikayla, who was a lingerie football player being stalked by another contestant. Seriously. If you only have an hour,
don't waste it on random audience/family members. Talk to the people
who actually agreed to be on your show. I don't want to hear about Russell
Hantz if he's not in the season. I don't care about Colton's Mom (great job on raising a not-horrible person, btw). I never wanted to know that Tarzan's wife only calls him by his nickname during sexytime. And I really, truly don't care about how fabulous Blossom thinks Colton is. I have low expectations for this hour.
Kim has just won, everyone is hugging, the rest of the Survivors come out & there's Kourtney! I can't wait for Probst to give everyone an update on how she's been doing. Probst says "Happy Mother's Day", & I think Awesome! He's going to talk to her first, because she's a Mom who is away from her son on Mother's Day to be here, on your reunion show. Nope.
What we get is a "Worst of Colton" reel, & afterwards, Probst repeats some of the comments we literally just heard 10 seconds ago. Already too much screen time for Colton. He's awful & says he'll own up to it, but really he doesn't say much of anything. Bill, or as my husband yelled when he first came on stage, "Prince!", tries to handle the Colton situation maturely, once again...
...but he's interrupted by Colton. Bill raises his hand a little, to respond, & Probst shuts him down.
Oh, this is what it feels like when the doves cry. I get it now.
Probst goes into the audience to talk to Colton's Mom, & she apologizes for her son & the audience awwws. Save it for your talk show, Probst. Jeff attempts to help her excuse her son's behaviour by saying that since Colton was accepted for being gay, that tells him the Cumbie family is accepting of a lot of things. Like racism!
Instead of going back to the stage where the contestants are, Probst moves back a few rows to Blossom. Excuse me? No worries, Probst assures us that Mayim Bialik isn't there to promote her show, Big Bang Theory, on CBS Thursdays at 8, she's there because she's a fan! Who wrote to him last year! And now is taking up time saying how fabulous she thinks Colton is & that he should have had more time & that she would love to see him on Survivor again.
Probst then pulls a random guy to his feet who says on behalf of the audience, we all hated the character Colton was playing, not the actual Colton. Um, speak for yourself, clueless random guy. Why couldn't you have asked what the deal is with the hot badass chick stuck in the f@#&ing SHADOWS on stage?!?
Kim wins the Player of the Season & the $100,000 that goes along with that. I have to say it's interesting that she won, even though she doesn't have a twitter account, & therefore hadn't been campaigning for votes like, say, Troyzan & Chelsea had been. She doesn't have the kind of online relationship with the viewers that some of the Survivors have, yet she still won.
We get a preview of next season, which will be in The Philippines, & will feature 3 previously medically evacuated Survivors who will join 3 tribes of new players. So NOW we'll talk to Kourtney, right? Because she was medically evacuated in the first episode? Nah. Nobody needs to know about the broken arm that cost Kourtney her job as a motorcycle mechanic. Colton's bacterial infection masquerading as appendicitis is much more intense. What's that? Colton was fine after a few rounds of anti-biotics? Oh. Nevermind.
Probst then mentions the Survivor Auction, where you can bid on items from the season, with all proceeds going to Survivor: Stand Up To Cancer. Hey, you know who outwit cancer? The girl in the shadows on your stage. Maybe now would be a good time to hear about the tumor she had removed after she left the game? The tumor that two Survivor medical evaluations missed? And, I don't know, maybe WISH HER WELL LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING???
Not. Cool. Kourtney, let's get those shots soon, k? Slaying makes me thirsty.
And so Survivor: One World is over. I hope I've added some
entertainment to a season which has been pretty blah. I'll be back next
season - I'm really hoping Jonathan Penner & Michael Skupic will be 2 of the past Survivors returning. Penner is one of my favourite Survivors, & his last evacuation broke my heart.
Anyone you'd like to see back?
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, subscribe, & follow me on twitter: @MomOfKai
As for the Ponderosa videos, Americans can view them at cbs.com, & here they are for the rest of us (there's an almost cat-fight between Alicia & Kat in Alicia's first video. Where was this drama in the show?):
Tarzan:
Alicia:
Christina:
*not that we have Rock Band Parties...that would be lame.....
A few things to get to before the recap: first up is the exciting news that I won a buff from Jeff Probst for my LEGO Survivors! I must thank my son's extensive LEGO collection, because they have won me buffs 2 seasons in a row. I will put up with LEGO permanently embedded in my feet for this.
Next up are the Ponderosa videos nobody wants to see, because it's a very, very distressed Kat, & nobody wants to see Kat cry. She does, & it's a terrible amount. It's so interesting to see how trusting people can be in this game. Kim is doing a helluva job out there, whether you like her game or not. The videos will be posted at the end of the recap.
Thirdly, I'm guessing that Troyzan will win Player of the Season. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to vote for my manic pixie dream girl, so I encourage you to do the same & make Kourtney the first pre-merge player to get at least close to winning the Player of the Season. Because imagine how pissed that would make Alicia. Do it for that alone. Vote for Kourtney here, but only Kourtney, & if you vote for anyone else your computer/phone/tablet will self-implode.
Sad Orca will be sad if you don't vote.
Now on to the show. The Final 6 return to the Keanu camp after blindsiding Kat. They feel a little guilty, but they're kind of giggling about her ironic comment about blindsides being funny & exciting. At that moment, Kat was falling apart in Troyzan's arms, still in shock that she was betrayed.
Kat left before Crabby McClawsters & his 7UP bottles? COME ON.
Tarzan is optimistic as Kat leaving has broken the voting-out-a-male chain. He feels slightly safe, like he's wearing chainmail.....am I right? Anyone? Tarzan reveals he has a subplot, but won't reveal it, even in his confessional, where he's kind of expected to reveal stuff exactly like this. He approaches Kim & tells her what her best strategy will be: To take Christina & Alicia, & when Tarzan's on the jury, he'll convince them to vote for Kim. Kim says "Whatever, crazy old man, I'm not listening to you", except she doesn't say anything like that, & proceeds to confide in him. In Tarzan. "I just start to wonder if Alicia is really going to want to take me." Alicia shows up & agrees that she likes that Final 3 scenario. Kim walks away, & Alicia then confides in Tarzan.
OMG why is everyone believing Tarzan really wants to help them win?
Alicia lies down on a couch & reveals her doubts - can she beat Kim? I mean, obviously she can win against that evil lump of a Survivor, Christina. Christina is apparently so unbelievably awful that CBS can't even air the footage of her tyranny, leaving every viewer to wonder WHAT ABOUT CHRISTINA IS SO HORRIBLE?!? But back to Kim: can Alicia really win against her? Cue Tarzan, who now promises to get the jury to vote for Alicia.
Tarzan now decides he can reveal a portion of his strategy. The strategy he has just now come up with, because he has decided to start playing the game. "I've been doing this in segments: don't be the first one voted out. Make it to the merge. Make it to seeing my wife. Make it to number 4...& maybe slipping in to number 3. Even if I make it to 3 & lose, it won't be a terrible thing. I just won't buy shocks for my car. That's all." Am I really out of the loop on how much shocks cost? Because Tarzan is saying that he can't afford shocks if he wins any amount less than $1,000,000.
Chelsea sees that the Keanu tribe is split down the centre. "I genuinely think that Alicia, Christina & Tarzan think that they have Kim in their alliance, which is great, because I know she's got my back." You know who else thought that?
Honey Badger cares now.
Chelsea tries to break Christina from her alliance by promising to take her along on the reward, if she should win. She mentions that Tarzan might be dangerous because the men might vote for him just to spite the women, & also, don't repeat any of this. Christina says "Yeah, I'll just keep it quiet." Christina then tells everyone & everything she comes across what went down.
"Did you hear? Did you hear?" "Tell me everything, my dear, & I promise you I'll never tell a soul"
On to the Reward Challenge, where they will unscrew discs by spinning around, then use the discs to make a decoder puzzle which will give them 3 numbers to use in a combination to release a flag. I'm dizzy already. Reward is an afternoon/night on a yacht, involving cocktails, a shower, & a feast, of course. I don't even understand how Kim is so thin right now. She should be putting on weight, with the amount she has eaten.
Chelsea wins, possibly redeeming herself after that puzzle she & Alicia couldn't solve even while looking at a completed version. Who will she take with her? Christina pops a few Gravol pills to ward off the seasickness she is sure to be feeling soon, & Chelsea clears her throat. Someone has a speech. "I just know Kat caught a lot of grief for who she chose in the last reward, so I'm gonna play it fair like I've played this whole game...& I think Sabrina needs to go with me." Pick a second person. "Kim."
You've been double-Swifted.
The Final 3 Varsity Team are enjoying the boat. So I kind of have to do this.
Chelsea is showering, & Kim is feeling more like herself what with all the pampering & champagne (note to self: become a bridal shop owner cuz apparently they be livin' the life). Back at Keanu, Alicia is pissed, Christina seems mildly annoyed, & Tarzan is trying to tell a push-up bra-wearing Alicia all about the benefits of breast reduction, but he is shut down.
I'm actually more interested in a breast increasion. That's a word, right? I'm a teacher.
They decide they want to vote out Chelsea, & Alicia trusts that Kim will side with them. Tarzan suggests that Kim & Chelsea may be a team deceiving all of them, & that he may be a better choice to take to the end.
Back on the boat, Kim is feeling more confident in her Varsity Final 3. If only there was a way to split the solid alliance made up of the 2 girls who hate each other & the crazy old man. Hmmmm.
Tarzan is having trouble dealing with the estrogen level around Keanu.* He is having a hilarious breakdown. "My plans for the day are: fix me some coconut stew, start the fire, clean my clothes, wash my hair again, & prepare to be defeated at some kind of contest, later today."
Don't be alarmed, it's just a cry for help. It's a cooler, not an oven.
He continues with the grumpy old man bit while preparing his coconut stew. Alicia asks what he's doing with the coconut, which is sitting in his dirty buff, & he growls "Don't worry about it." Alicia says, "You're not using your buff to drain that...or puree it...or whatever you call it." Yeah, it's clear Alicia has never spent much time in a kitchen. I believe strain is the word she was looking for, or maybe even filter. But not even close to "drain" or "puree".
Kim, with her hair that has been freshly shampooed for the 2nd time in the past 33 days, is talking with Alicia. Alicia reveals that Tarzan has been telling everyone that Kim is a threat. Kim then deftly plays Alicia, saying things like "Imagine if Tarzan was really a mastermind." They discover that Tarzan had promised them both the same thing, & limbs go flying all over the place as Kim convinces Alicia that his plan is probably to take Christina to the end, & they almost got "Tarzaned" (oh no, it has become a thing, hasn't it?)! Nicely done.
Alicia says she's happy she avoided looking like an idiot in front of everybody.
LOLZ
She goes on a rantic about how Tarzan is not going to play her. "Now you're trying to work your social game? I am the Queen of the social game." With all this laughing, I'll soon have abs like Kim. "I'm the most powerful player & I'm gonna remain the most powerful player."
At the Immunity Challenge, we find out what happens when Barrel of Monkeys & Heathcliff combines. It's my childhood in an Immunity Challenge, you guys!
Survivors must pick up bags of fish bone puzzle pieces with fish hooks, fit the pieces into a fish skeleton, & do all of that with one hand tied behind their back. We wouldn't want anyone to break a wrist because of incompetent instructions or anything.
Now, when it comes to Survivor & puzzles, I would make sure that it's perfect. This is what Christina does, as hers is the only fish skeleton that has its pieces in proper order for it to actually look right.
Difficult to see, but Christina's is the only perfect one.
I guess perfection wasn't the objective here?
Alicia wins Immunity & gets quite emotional as she finally has something to keep those girls under wraps.
Back at Keanu, Kim tells her Final 3 Varsity Team that she's pretty sure 2/3rds of the JV team will vote out Tarzan because they think he's been playing them. But she's not going to give Chelsea her Immunity Idol, because she might need it herself. Sabrina comments "Kim bats her baby blues & looks right at you...it's really hard to not believe Kim."
"This isn't offensive to anybody if I wear this, right?" Tarzan says as he turns around wearing Kat's tank top, with her bikini bottoms on his head. I'm having flashes of Norman Bates.
Future Survivors: ALWAYS take your bag with you to Tribal.
At Tribal Council, Tarzan gives it one more shot, although he knows he might have blown his subplot by being a grumpy old man. He makes the point that the men don't like him, since he helped vote them out, & nobody wants to give the money to a millionaire. Again, why can't you afford shocks for your Jeep? The girls bring up the bikini situation & Tarzan says "I'm not afraid of those panties at all." Cut to Kat (who looks gorgeous, BTW) wiping a tear from her eye.
98% sure this is a random shot of emotional Kat at Tribal, but Tarzan was wearing her stuff, so...
Tarzan is voted out, & thanks everyone for the adventure. He then leaves us with a bit of prose not seen since Semhar's spoken word.
"To win Survivor is the goal
if a million bucks lifts your soul.
You must outwit, outplay, outlast
or be a savage soon outcast.
Expect there'll be so much to see
people will lie & they will cheat."
Goodbye, Tarzan. You decided to start playing the game about 6 Tribal Councils too late.
Don't forget the season finale is this Sunday night! I'll be live-tweeting it, if you want to join in the conversation: @MomOfKai
As always, if you are in the US, you can watch Kat's Ponderosa webisodes at cbs.com, & I have them posted here for the rest of us. I must warn you - your heart will weep for this girl.
