Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Hold Up; Teach Me About Women, Bro

It's a double episode this week, and as always, Kai's comments will be in red font so you can choose to read only the funnier Ferreira's comments if you like.

The No Collars return to camp after voting Nina out.

Looks like Kai was right about Hali's Number 1 passion in life.

Will is concerned that he received 2 votes, and that if they go to Tribal Council again, he's gone.

"Where are the sandwiches?  He promised them sandwiches."

Over at Blue Collar, Dan finds a snake & yells to get the machete.

The snake is beheaded & skinned before it's cooked, & it's pretty graphic.  This is the first of many scenes in these 2 episodes which drive my Mother to turn away from the television, cover her ears, & wait for us to tell her when it's over.  Family show, CBS.  Family show.

The Reward Challenge involves a caller for each tribe sending out blindfolded pairs to retrieve items which must be raised on a platform.  First tribe to have all their items to the top wins chickens & a rooster.  Second tribe to finish wins 10 eggs - an unusual number for a bunch of eggs.  Like, did someone drop 2?  The third tribe wins nothing, not even a date with Probst.

The Survivors seem to be trying to bro down with Probst, as they are super casual in their responses to who's going to sit out.

Blindfolded challenges always provide the same sort of crotch-slamming low-hanging humour provided by AFV.  While one Survivor used his partner as a human shield/pillow against counter-height obstacles...

...another took all blows as they came, & just dealt like a boss.  Gushing blood was the second time my Mom couldn't look.

This was the first challenge that Nina could have actually had a point about her tribe seeing her loss of hearing as a disadvantage, but she's gone so I guess we'll never know how that would have played out.  Sad we never got to see feathers peeking out of a blindfold as well - OR if they had made Vince the caller, how fucking amazing would that have been?  Just follow the wind.  Where is your heart leading you?  Seek the truth of the item.  You're beautiful humans no matter what.  Connect with the colour of your aura.  We were all ripped off.  No Collar finishes first & wins the fowl, White Collar finishes second & wins the not-quite-dozen of eggs.  Blue Collar finishes last, which is interesting, as the whole challenge involved being told what to do & Probst said that was their thing.  HE SAID.

The No Collars wish Will a Happy Birthday & decide to celebrate with one of the chickens.  Jenn isn't happy because deaf people suck, but chickens are precious souls.  Joe killing the chicken was the third time my Mom couldn't look.  And there was a man bun on the screen - who can resist looking at a man bun?  Jenn leaves the camp-turned-slaughterhouse & looks for an Idol & surprise!  She finds one.

Over at Blue Collar, Kelly continues being a badass, revealing she needed 6 stitches.  Then Rodney teaches us all about women & I CAN'T EVEN.


Will it be crabs or herpes tonight?  Fingers crossed for chlamydia!  In Rodney's defense, he also admits you don't know what you're getting when you hook up with a girl at a carnival, or a museum as well.  It's not just the drunk girls.  It's ALL the girls.  #YESALLWOMEN

Rodney continues churning out soundbites faster than I can make memes.  For example, despite saying about Lindsey on the first day: "You get a girl all tatted up, which I like because if somebody has tattoos & they have artwork on their body, they want to express themselves in some way", he now says:


Over on White Collar, eggs are boiling, & Shirin is grateful they didn't win the chicken because who amongst them could slaughter a chicken?  Well, Shirin could.  She reveals that she was practical, & learned how to kill a chicken, & slaughtered a rabbit.  This discussion was the fourth time my Mom couldn't look at the screen.

Joaquin makes it sound more awful.

Personally, I think it's smart, & I love this tweet from Shirin:
The tribe is discussing who to sit out at the next challenge & Max suggests if they sit out Shirin, she will feel alienated & I guess the insinuation is that she will panic & drive everyone nuts.  Carolyn is offended that she has to worry about someone's feelings, even though the social game is a huge part of Survivor, & placating someone absolutely is a thing to be considered.

The Immunity Challenge involves what Probst dubs "Rope Management" as Survivors are tied to a rope they must maneuver around, grab bags of balls, then maneuver 3 balls up a wall, past many holes to settle them into spots, using more ropes.  No Collar finishes first, followed by White Collar, & Blue Collar is going to Tribal Council.

Dan teaches us all about women & I CAN'T EVEN.

Lindsey & Sierra have found themselves on the outside of their tribe, & a new leader is emerging with SO MUCH WISDOM.



Blue Collar heads to their first Tribal Council.

Rodney tells Probst that he & Lindsey don't mix in an oh-so-Rodney way.

I think I've already made more LEGO Survivor memes of Rodney than I have of any other Survivor player in the history of LEGO Survivor memes.  But he just doesn't stop with the gold.

Rodney reiterates his belief that women should hold themselves to a higher standard & even Jeff Probst is like Whoa with the misogyny there.  Mike speaks of the difference between the Collars & Probst is giddy because this is what he wanted.  Why yes, you would have slit your throat on No Collar, because they're a bunch of new age hippies.  Why yes, the White Collars live off of the hard work of Blue Collar Americans.  

Time to vote, votes are read, & it's a 3-way between Rodney, Lindsey & Sierra.

Everyone but those 3 vote again, & Lindsey is voted out.  She leaves the Tribal Council immediately.

After the Lindsey vote, Sierra can't trust her tribe.  Good thing for her it's Tribe Swap time.

Sierra ends up on the new Escameca with all the men except Max & Will, who are on the new Nagarote with the rest of the women.

The first Reward Challenge is lacrosse with the reward of kitchen supplies.  Escameca wins.

Nagarote goes back to their camp & Hali reflects on how the game might change now that they're not all No Collars.  In fact you might say that No Collars are not even a thing anymore.  You could even suggest that they never were a thing at all.  Nevertheless, she continues to live the No Collar philosophy.

Over at Escameca, Rodney gives more insight into the #1 love of his life.

Rodney, Mike, & Dan leave to get water & as soon as they're out of earshot, Sierra tells Joe, Joaquin, & a very stoic Tyler, exactly how much her former Blue Collars suck, & how happy she is to have them.  Tyler calls her a broken puppy & says "Bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled Survivors."

I said in my cast assessment that Tyler reminded me of a Cabbage Patch Kid all grown up.  Specifically, my brother's childhood CPK named Ollie Hunter.  Which my Mom found for me.

Don't see the resemblance?  How about now?

Don't worry, there are only 4 or 5 CPKs hanging around my parents' house, so no CPK Survivor recap (until the Final 4 or 5, obvs).

Over on Nagarote, Shirin is busy being the life of the party.

The problem is that nobody else is down to party with her.  She's singing & whistling & this annoys Jenn because what could be more No Collar than not bothering to learn your tribemate's name, or wanting to know about her life, man.

Max comes out of the water once again wearing underwear that's more revealing than if he had been censored for his nudity.  Along with his underwear, he also has 2 fresh stingray stings.

Jenn tells Max to put his feet in a pot of water.  Hali then freaks out because Max has a plantar's wart on his foot, & now it's in the pot they boil their drinking water from.  So now Max is disgusting, even though Jenn is the one who clearly told him to put his feet in the pot.  Also, how is Jenn annoyed with Shirin's voice, but okay with Hali's?  I want to stuff my ears with all of the fringes from her bikini every time she says disgahstinggah.

Carolyn reveals that even though it looks like 3 White Collars, 3 No Collars, she is hoping to blindside Max & Shirin.

Over at Escameca, Mike takes a turn teaching us about women & I CAN'T EVEN.

Immunity Challenge time, & this one involves placing pots on a sled that will be dragged through an obstacle course & also will 100% look like monkey balls.  The pots will go on stands to be destroyed by a wrecking ball & we will discover the pots were filled with popcorn.  Escameca wins, as they have the most Blue Collars so obviously they're the best with wrecking balls.

After giving us some choice soundbites about being happy to go to Tribal Council & excited for blindsides (yikes), Max tries to bond with the flaky No Collars by bringing up astrology which lolololol okay.  Jenn isn't impressed, though, as she seems to be a huge fan of the game who does not like other fans of the game.  Max & Shirin are a little too on the intense-nerd-passion-for-Survivor side than the Cool-episode-bro kind of side she's on, I guess?

Max & Shirin discuss voting Will out with Kelly, who says she's in.  Shirin takes it to Carolyn, who is not so in.

Everyone's talking about how annoying Max & Shirin are.

"I don't think Max is annoying.  They haven't shown him being annoying.  I've never seen him be annoying.  Maybe they don't know Max like I do."

At Tribal Council, Shirin is telling Probst that White Collar never gelled, & then she giggles because Probst made a face at her & HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS WOMAN?

The fandom of Max & Shirin is discussed, as is the misfit status of the new Nagarote tribe compared to the strength of the new Escameca.  Time to vote, the votes are read, & then:

In case you're not a superfan, this is the moment in Survivor history that Max was referencing:

Max is voted out of Survivor, & is asked to leave the Tribal Council immediately.

Kai & I went to the Toronto Zoo over his March Break, & he took several pictures that reminded him of season 30, so far.  Sadly, we saw no monkey sex, nor monkey balls...but we did see several penises, not that any penis after a Tapir penis matters.

Yeah.  That's a penis.  We were seriously talking about that penis all day.  And I've been talking about that penis all week.

More pictures taken by Kai that reminded him of Survivor:

Mike's breakfast

Mike's lunch

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