Survivor One World: 24.11 Dummies & Bacon

Leif was voted out at the last Tribal Council, & Americans can go to cbs.com to view the webisodes.  I've posted them at the end of this recap for the rest of us.

After sending Leif home, Tarzan comments on the doomed situation he has helped put the men in.  "2 boys left...so now we're in a hopeless situation unless the boys win immunities.  So if I was trying to play the odds in my favour, the smartest thing to do is go with what the girls want me to do, rather than risk being exposed as a person on Troyzan's side."  Tarzan also believes that if you discover you're missing a scalpel after you've sewn a lady up, it's best to just send her on her way & move to another State & change your name to something ridiculous like Tarzan.

Kim's plan is to keep everyone happy & calm.  Unfortunately for her, Tree Mail has other ideas.  The kind of Reward Challenge that everyone dreads is upon them - the kind that reveals what everyone is really thinking, & the pecking order of the tribe.  If the winner gets to bring others along with them, Kat & Kim set up a deal to bring each other.

The contestants have to answer questions about themselves, & when Probst has all of their answers, they have to guess who the majority of the group chose for each question.  Each time they answer correctly, they chop a rope holding creepy-ass dummies representing each Survivor so accurately that Kat's is wearing a pink hoodie.

Not so accurate on the "pretty", though.

Each dummy gets 3 chops before they are sent flying into flames & their real-life counterpart is out of the challenge.  But I thought fire represented life in Survivor!  I'm so confused!  The last dummy...er, person standing wins a helicopter ride to an island picnic, which is pretty much what they do everyday, as they are living outside.  The novelty of a picnic should be long gone.  Probst asks, "Worth playing for?" & I wonder if there's ever been a reward where everyone says, "Meh", but then I remember last season, when a reward "worth playing for" was sitting through a screening of Jack & Jill, so standards are obviously lower in the Survivor world.

This challenge is the kind of game my family likes to play on game nights, but with fun questions like "If Lisa was an athlete, which sport would she excel at?"  If you can get through that question without laughing, you win.  Note this, family: next game night, we're using these Survivor questions.  It's gonna get real dark.

"Who does not deserve to still be here?"  The consensus is Christina, & she is sad, & right about now is when I would start crying.  What exactly have they edited out about Christina?  Does she sleep all day?  Did she eat more than her fair share of Jonas' coconut potato chips?  And if she did, who could blame her?  Damn you, editors!  I'll never know what is so unlikable about Christina!

"Who would you trust with your life?"  Kim wins, but what is more surprising than everyone trusting a bridal boutique owner with their life is that half of them thought the majority chose Tarzan, a man who can't even keep his own underwear clean.

Troyzan's dummy gets its 3rd chop & into the inferno it goes.  Alicia grabs the opportunity to mock him & his motto "This is my island!", & then the game of Survivor gets Tarzaned again.  "...& now he's part of the island - his ashes.  & he's become the molecular substrate of this island, so he does belong on this island."  Um, Troyzan the person hasn't been burned to ashes...it's just a dummy, Tarzan.  Have you spent too long building half-plastic people that you can't tell the difference anymore?

Tarzan would like you to meet his Grandchildren.

"Who most needs a wake-up call in life?"  Kat wins (or maybe loses is the right word here), & Tarzan & Chelsea's dummies are set ablaze. 

"Who's the biggest poser?" The answer is Troyzan.

"Who does the least for their tribe?" Sabrina wins, surprisingly.  She was tribe leader & had so many credentials early on!

Kat is chopped out of the challenge & I love how quickly she gets her back up.  "What?  What did I do to you?  That's ridiculous.  You guys are crazy." She's like my cat (see what I did there?) - she will purr & purr & purr & then suddenly she'll swipe at you with claws fully extended.  Or maybe a honey badger is more appropriate.  Looks adorable, but really the most fearless creature ever.

Christina notes that the dummies have skeletons & holy crap is Tarzan on to something?  Are they really people? Wait - where is Leif?  WHERE IS LEIF?

"Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?"  Kim wins, & Christina is out.

"Who do you hope to never see again after the game?" Troyzan is the clear winner for the girls.  I can't wait to use this question on family game night.  I promise to record the evening & post it here for all to enjoy.

Kim wins the reward & gets to choose one person to bring along.  She doesn't want Troyzan to go back to camp with both Alicia & Christina, so she chooses Alicia.  Probst gives her 1 more spot to fill, & Kat fixes her hair for the breezy helicopter ride to come, & Kim chooses Chelsea.
Kat: "Are you serious?"
Kim: "I'm sorry Kat.  This girl never eats & you know it." 

Troyzan licks his lips & moves in for the kill.  "I think it's pretty revealing.  It shows exactly where everyone stands.  Exactly."  These words haunt Kat all the way back to camp.  Kim should have taken Troyzan along with her, ensuring he couldn't talk to anyone.  Sure, that means he gets a helicopter ride & food, but nobody is starving anyway.  They get doughnuts every 3rd day, for Probstsakes.  Remember when Survivors used to be starving?  Me too.  Sigh.

In the helicopter, Kim says "There's no one else I wanted to bring more", & that sound in the distance was Kat tossing her Hello Kitty TV out of her apartment window.  Kat goes on a rantic back at the Keanu camp, but is still trying to tell herself that Chelsea was picked because she needed the food.  Troyzan is trying his hardest to turn Kat.  "It's not about food today.  It's a strategy."  It drives her to tears & my heart can't take it.  Nobody wants to see Kat cry.

Why is she still so pretty when she cries?  NOT FAIR.

Sabrina tries to comfort Kat by saying they were left behind because Kim knows they won't waver.  But like a true honey badger, Kat don't care.  "Troy was making me so angry.  I'm sick & tired of him saying that...he says they're the final 3...I don't want to go down as a weak player, & I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure that's not the case.  & if that means me having to vote Kim out, then fine."

Sabrina asks Troyzan what his plan would be & pretends to be intrigued by the pitch.  Christina agrees that they have to look at other options.  In Sabrina's confessional, she reveals she just wanted to see how easily Christina would be swayed, & now she knows.  But what does Sabrina expect from someone who has never been in the alliance?  Especially after the entire tribe told Christina she doesn't deserve to be there.  If I were Christina, I would be playing that up, pointing out the obvious benefits of taking someone to the Final 3 who "doesn't deserve to be there".

Kim, Chelsea & Alicia return & Kim eventually convinces Kat to talk to her.
Kat: "I'm furious."
Kim: "Ahem." (pulls out her notes) "Kat, I adore you.  You're one of my favourite people here..."
Kat rips the notes to shreds with her teeth.
Kim later reflects that her decision to not choose Kat was the first mistake she's made because it wasn't strategic.  & now she has a pissed honey badger on her hands.

Everyone is huddling under the shelter, not noticing the camera panning from them to something out of their line of sight.  Again, always look at the cameras.  If you're looking for a Hidden Immunity Idol, & the camera remains zoomed in on a tree hollow you just gave up on, that's where the Idol is.  Now a crew member is trying to get your attention to notice the adorable pig that's just wandered into camp.

When everyone notices the pig, hooting & hollering commences.  Half of the tribe goes Lord of the Flies with a blood-lust not seen since that honey badger video above.  Alicia yells "Kill it!" & our honey badger screams "We gotta spear that thing!".  The excitement is too much to process without some banjo & fiddle music, so let's grab some rope & try to catch us the slowest pig in the world.  Now, I'm not saying Survivor is fixed, or that any part of this is manipulated, but that pig may have been sedated & driven into the camp.  Maybe.  I don't trust anything on this show since I have not received Proof of Life from Leif as of yet, & I am concerned.

We hear pig squeals as he walks from one Survivor to the next, & I'm betting they were added in post-production, not unlike some audio manipulation from the first episode.  Sabrina is explaining the situation when behind her Christina yells "I found it!", grabs an axe, & runs after the pig while the bluegrass music builds.  Perfection.

How does this girl not deserve to still be there?

Troyzan joins in for fun, but thinks "how foolish does this look?  These girls are all running around, chasing a pig, not knowing what the hell they're gonna do with it once they catch it."  Ron Swanson would make it happen.

The pig escapes the rope, axe, & spear, seeing as everyone just screams & runs away when he approaches them.  As the new Keanu Mascot, I dub him: Ted "Theodore" Logan.

The new & improved tribe heads to the Immunity Challenge, which happens to be an adult version of Slip n' Slide, now with extra lube.  At the end of the Slip n' Slide, there are rings that must be thrown onto hooks.  Competing in pairs, until there is only one pair left, they draw for spots & oil themselves up.

Oddly, there weren't as many shots of Tarzan oiling himself up as there were of the girls.

Kat does an adorable dance as she wins her first round, & it makes me wonder how much adorableness we've missed out on since Kourtney broke her wrist.  That's an entire season of knit orca hats, gummi bears & fairy dust.

The responsibility of adorable falls solely to you, honey badger.

The round of the Zans ends with a slowly moving Tarzan beating Troyzan.  Just like that, it's over for Troyzan.  Who would have thought he would lose to Tarzan?  The girls don't try to hide their elation that Troyzan has lost Immunity, & it seems harsh.  Again, you need votes to win this game.  Troyzan refuses to watch the rest of the competition.

Kat is up to the adorable challenge, as she does a little Katwalk across the screen that is just too cute.  The final round is Kim vs Chelsea, & Kim wins her 2nd Challenge of the day.

Back at camp, Kat is annoyed that Kim is making decisions & telling her what to do.  "No one thinks that I'm the one running the show...it's frustrating for me."  Kat hinted on twitter that she is the one who put together this alliance on Day 1, so if that's true, maybe she has been up to more than the editing has shown.  Christina has also commented on the editing choices, & add that to what I have learned from my virtual BFF Kourtney, & what is the lesson?  DO NOT TRUST THE EDIT.

Ted "Theodore" Logan is actually a seasoned actor. A real ham, you might say. (sorry)

For some reason, Sabrina tells Christina the girls will split the votes between her & Troyzan, but don't worry because Troyzan's going home....as long as he doesn't have an Immunity Idol...which we kind of think he does....  Christina seems to have no problem with this.

Alicia doesn't know why Christina isn't freaking out, & just when you think Alicia can't possibly be any more offensive, she says: "Christina's IQ is probably a 0...I mean, I'm a Special Ed teacher, so I handle Christina as one of my students."

What about Tarzan?  Why not split the votes between the Zans, if you want all females at the end?  Yes, Tarzan would be perfect to take to the Final 3, but as the jury will be mostly male, they'd probably still vote for him over any of the girls.  Most frustrating season of Survivor ever.

Troyzan & Christina are talking about possibly voting for Chelsea.  Troyzan just wishes he knew who the vote would be split with, so he could increase the chances of saving himself.  Christina then tells him that her name will be written down.  NOOOOO!  Christina, what are you doing?  Now Troyzan is super happy & is just hoping Kat will make her move.

At Tribal Council, Probst says, "You started as Men vs Women, it certainly appeared today to still be Men vs Women...is that where we're at Troyzan?  Are you in trouble because you do not have a necklace?"  I swear I thought Probst was going to say a vagina.  Or at least boobies.

Time to vote, no Immunity Idol is played, & Troyzan is voted out.  Kat decided to stick with the girls, & now Christina has go back to Keanu & explain why she voted for Chelsea.  Troyzan doesn't leave without a final push for Kat to take control of the game.  "Do it."  Honey Badger takes what it wants.

Thus ends the Survivor game of this year's biggest superfan.  Troyzan looks back & commits their names & faces to memory.  He will repeat their names over & over every night just like Arya Stark, until every last one of them is taken care of.

Good news, everyone!  I FOUND LEIF!  Looks like he was safe & sound at Ponderosa the entire time!  His first few days there were filled with food, beer, & laughter.  We actually learn more about Jonas than we do about Leif - Jonas also plays guitar, on top of making sushi & both chips & guacamole from scratch for everyone.  Enjoy!

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Survivor One World: 24.10 Troyzan vs Everyone Else

Last week, pretty, pretty Jay left our television screens, becoming the third jury member.  Don't fret: we have the Ponderosa webisodes to tide us over until Tribal Council every week.  As always, Americans are able to watch the videos at cbs.com, & the rest of us can watch them at the bottom of this recap. 

Troyzan returns to the Keanu camp disappointed that no one listened to his proposition to vote Kim out.  He singles out Christina, asking if she ever even considered it, & Alicia (Alicia!) steps in to back Christina up.  "Don't attack her!"  Troyzan erupts at this.  "I'm not attacking her - I'm just asking her a question...I can ask her a question, you're not her mother."  This is the first of several, um, spats, between Troyzan & the others.  "When I get pissed off, I get fired up...now I'm gonna win every damn Immunity.  I could give a crap about those people.  This is no team anymore.  I'm no team player.  This is Troyzan vs everyone else."

I'm not really sure why the other men, at the very least, are not with Troyzan.  It is now obvious to everyone that the women are picking off the men, so why isn't it a core of 3 men trying to switch Christina & Alicia, & not just Troyzan?  The men's votes have been all over the place since voting Jonas off, but now there's not even the excuse of being ignorant to the women's plans.  So frustrating.

Troyzan tries another route with Chelsea, saying he deserves to be in the game much longer than, like, 3 or 4 other people he would name right now if Arzantay asn'tway andingstay ightray erethey.

Chelsea wants Troyzan to just suck it up & take it like a man.  Hey, Jonas took it like a man, & we voted him out after he made us POTATO CHIPS OUT OF COCONUTS.  Yeah, but the difference there is that Jonas was voted out & went to fill his belly with amazing food & beer & had deodorant & razors.  How could anyone stay mad?  So, not the same as knowing that you're next because your New Salami tribe is now blatant in their betrayal.  That would be infuriating, & would make one want to kick up a fuss.  We can't all speak like we're in a constant state of relaxation, Chelsea.

Troyzan says, "These girls are kind of acting like what a lot of women act like in real life.  They get their house, they get their food, they get all their stuff, then as soon as they feel satisfied, they go, 'oh, guess what we don't need anymore?'...& they're done with the guy."

Who hurt you, Troyzan?

Troyzan collects Tree Mail which comes with cash-filled envelopes for everybody.  It's auction time!  Everyone is excited to have $500 in 20s to spend on food, but Troyzan has other ideas.  "If Jeff says 'here's a note that can help you get further in the game', I'm buying that.  I'm spending $500, & that's all I got."

At the auction, Christina is wearing Alicia's dress, Probst is in a black shirt, & I'm afraid to look at Tarzan for fear of Monica's red shirt being stretched again beyond recognition.  

Now, everyone knows that Survivor auctions don't last forever.  There isn't a 1-item-for-everyone rule.  So if you see something & you really want it, $500 should be your bid.  No point in going back & forth - if you miss out, you may wind up with nothing.  Very seldom does someone buy more than 1 item, & it's even more rare for someone to want to save the money for use outside of the game.  That's just crazy.  Crazy.

The first item for auction is a plate of 3 doughnuts & an iced coffee.  Kim bets $100 & Kat says "What?!?" Chelsea wins it for $160, & Kat is bewildered at how much doughnut prices have gone up since she's been out there.

Next item is chips, guacamole & a margarita.  Kat goes back & forth with Sabrina, but won't go past $400, so it's Sabrina's.

A protein shake is up next & Kat wants that, too.  She lets Leif have it for $100 & he "Mmm mmm mmm"s his way back to his seat, which annoys the girls.

Wait until the bubble-blowing & slurping starts.

Next up is a shower, with shampoo & a toothbrush.  Alicia bids 20.  Kat then puts a bid in.

"20.  I mean, 15. Can I bid 30?"

While Kat is struggling to rip a $20 in half, Kim bids $40 & wins it.  Kat just wants to win something, damnit!

Probst brings out a BLT, chips & an iced tea.  Kat buys it for $180 & then is super stoked to discover that there's bacon on her Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich.  Is everyone else loving Kat as much as I am? 

Probst reveals a bowl of chocolate bars dipped in a huge bowl of peanut butter & says "I anticipate a bidding war", but really means "I hope Survivor chicks continue to get naked for chocolate & peanut butter."

Alicia says this is the one thing she wanted, but she stepped out of the Immunity Challenge last week for a bowl of candy & chocolate, so how much of a sweet tooth does she really have?  Plus, she admitted in a deleted scene that she wouldn't have stepped down if she had known what the food was - she thought they had moved on to, say, million dollar chicken wings.  So basically, I'm confused.  She lets this go to Kim (who is bidding from the shower) for $240, & once again Probst hands peanut butter over to a naked girl, although this time she's covered in a towel.  Alicia says there was no way she'd spend that much, & Probst reminds her that she was given this money to spend here.  Alicia isn't the only one who can't wrap her head around this concept, as Tarzan is planning to use his $500 to repair the shocks on his Jeep when he gets home.  I'm surprised at the implication that Tarzan isn't a successful plastic surgeon.

Probst brings out letters from home & before everyone can wipe the tears from their eyes, Alicia bids $500 & I actually like her for a second.  Kat is the only one not emotional, & it's soon clear why.  "Wait...someone even wrote me?"  Would someone please explain to Kat what is happening around her?  I feel bad that she's left out of her own life.

Alicia is ready to read her letter but not before Full House music starts playing.  Alicia reads the letter aloud.  "Deej, I'm sure you've noticed that your body is changing.  With great boobs comes great responsibility.  Wear clothes that fit & flatter, never flatten or squish.  Don't ever use a gold hoop to hold your girls in a chest pergatory: they will find a way out of their prison.  You have a buff, & now you're using it the way CBS intended: to stop the flood of complaints.  Kick some ass out there!  Love, Dad."

The girls let out an Annie & Shirley quality "Aw", & everyone, even Tarzan, is emotional.  Probst says that Alicia set the price at $500, so the letters are open to anyone who has that.  Tarzan says to hell with the Jeep, & tearfully collects his letter.  He opts to not share his letter, as he knows it's probably from someone who hates their plastic surgeon.

Probst sniffs a breakdown about to happen, & zeroes in on Troyzan.  "I feel completely alone.  After last night, I just feel...I'm alone.  And to know you have a letter there, maybe from my brother or my Dad, encouraging me...it's good, but it's just the feeling of 'I'm gonna have to do everything on my own'." Probst gives a last chance to buy letters, but Troyzan & Christina, the only 2 with enough money, don't go for it.  We know what Troyzan is waiting for...is Christina waiting for the same thing?

Next item is an advantage at the next Immunity Challenge.  Troyzan perks up, & I'm waiting for a yell of $500!  Troyzan bids $300.  What?!?  Christina also has $500, & while she seems sympathetic to Troyzan's plight, this is Survivor!  The girls all badger Christina to spend her money, & she bids $360.  Ok, so now Christina has given you a chance to bid it all & take it.  Now is the time to shut it down with $500, right?  Troyzan: "$380."

Christina then bids $400, Troyzan bids $420 & by pure luck, he wins it.  Ridiculous.  At that point, I wanted Christina to bid $500 & take it away from him.  You either take it seriously or you don't.  SO FRUSTRATING.*

*Update: Christina has since tweeted that she spent $80 at the auction on lasagna, but it was edited out. So now we know why she didn't outbid Troyzan, & why Troyzan didn't start the bidding at $500. Also, $80 for lasagna? SCORE. What we don't know is why that would be edited out...to make Christina appear weak or stupid? To make Troyzan look stupid? Specifically to frustrate me? Anyway, back to the recap...

Troyzan goes triumphant silverback & slams his fist on Probst's table, & starts bickering with Sabrina.  Kat says "Yo, I got some money left, let's do this."  The next item stays covered & comes with a note.  Kat bids for this in escalating silly voices, with her mouth full.  She says "$160" like she's a "wasssssup" guy from the 90s.  She wins it, & when a glorious strawberry shortcake is revealed, almost everyone is Taylor Swifting.

 The note says it's for the whole tribe, but they only have 60 seconds to eat it.  Challenge accepted.

Kat's slo-mo cakewalk was the icing on top. You groan, but it's true.

Back at the Keanu camp, Troyzan learns his advantage will be advancing to the 2nd stage of the Immunity Challenge.  "These knuckleheads don't know what they've got themselves into."  Everyone's scrambling, searching for an Idol that may or may not be hidden, & Troyzan stuffs his pocket.  "I'm acting cocky because I can.  I got nothing left to lose."  Except for jury votes...

Also at camp:

The Art Department has added a human skull to their stock imagery.

Alicia's dress just brings out the boobs in everyone.

The Immunity Challenge is a 3-parter of previous challenges.  First round is untying rope.  Second round is that backyard classic of Coconut-Trampoline-Target-Smash.  Third round is Coconut-Slingshot-Connect-3, now with nifty graphics to help Kat grasp "diagonal".

Leif is now wearing blue face paint, & how/why this happened is completely edited out.  I bet Leif is really annoyed that the hilarious time had at camp leading up to this wasn't shown at all.  Or even referenced.  He just has face paint on for no reason, for millions of viewers.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Troyzan sits out of the first round, & Tarzan is liposuctioning the hell out of those ropes.  He moves on, as do Kim & Christina.  They join Troyzan for the trampoline portion, & he is the first to break all 3 targets.  "This is my island!  You can't beat me!" he crows.

Rufio demands a crow-off.

Troyzan is crowing, & Kat (Kat!) says "You're not gonna get votes like that."  Tarzan moves on to an all-Zan final, but it's not very suspenseful, because this was one of the press photos released before the episode, of Survivors heading to Tribal Council:

So Troyzan wins Immunity, & continues his exuberant celebrating.  "Yes! Don't fuck with me! I'm gonna continue like that...I've been going 50%, now I'm like, 'let's go'."  Back at camp, he will get lectured by Tarzan, & Troyzan says he can't help it.  He's all alone, & it just feels really good to defeat everyone else, so IN YOUR FACE TARZAN!

Leif attempts to talk strategy with Tarzan while he is removing his face paint.  "It's either me or you."  Tarzan says "You don't know that."  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

Despite the ocean being there, you just know Tarzan used spit on that cloth.

Troyzan's plans haven't changed: get Leif, Tarzan, Alicia & Christina to vote out Kim.  Since this makes sense for the 2nd week in a row, nobody listens.

At Tribal Council, Sabrina comments on Troyzan's behaviour.  "You're a great competitor, but within the last 48 hours, I have seen you morph into a creature that I can't identify."  Troyzan does the mocking sarcastic voice my 7 year old has just about perfected.  "Oh my God, it's so terrible...Troyzan the Ultimate Terror..."  They bicker back & forth until the unthinkable happens.

They broke Jeff Probst.

Troyzan gives a passionate speech to Leif, Tarzan, Alicia & Christina just before voting.  One of them will be voted out tonight, OR they can guarantee them all top 5, & vote Kim out tonight.  He points out that making this move wouldn't be "going for Troy", it would be for themselves.  It's voting time, & Kim either left her Immunity Idol at camp or she wasn't worried at all, because she doesn't play it.

There are 3 votes for Leif, 2 votes for Kim, 3 votes for Tarzan, & the last vote is for Leif.  The only person who voted for Kim with Troyzan is gone.  Hopefully there will be BBQ waiting for him at Ponderosa.

Here are Jay's Ponderosa videos.  Feast your eyes on Jay eating, Jay shaving, & Jay eating some more.  Full of pretty.

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Survivor One World: 24.9 Prospector Dance & More Idol-Crotch

Wow.  This season has so many huge mistakes in it, I'm surprised Gob Bluth hasn't popped up.
Here is my Survivor pet peeves countdown:
3. Throwing a challenge
2. Stepping down from a challenge for food
1. Giving up immunity.  Originally, this referred to an individual immunity idol or necklace, but I'll be damned if now it doesn't include giving up tribal immunity as a group.  I didn't even know that was a thing until this season.

Also, I despise the word "panties".  So I was very frustrated & almost physically ill watching this episode.

Last week Jay was crazy suspicious of the girls, & that was before they voted out another guy, Mike.  He should be even more suspicious now, right?  Especially after dreaming of getting shot.  That can't be good.

Tarzan notes that the girls are taking out the guys since they fell apart, & I agree with Tarzan.  How different it would have been if the original Menudo, you know, hadn't given up their immunity in order to vote someone out.  Bill would have been spared his awful fate, tribes would have been switched up, (don't worry, Colton still would have been med evac'd), AND the numbers for the merge would have been different.

Troyzan tells Tarzan it's not over yet.  And yes, that will be the tagline for my new screenplay, which follows 2 Zans as they make their way through the jungle, in search of immunity, monkeys, & someone to clean the poop out of someone's underpants.

Back to the very serious, Troyzan tells Tarzan not to worry, because there could be an Immunity Idol out there somewhere.

"Well, now you're just making stuff up. Community Midol? LOLZ"

Troyzan persists, saying he could get a core of 5 together - the 2 of them plus Leif, Jay & Christina.

"Stop it with the jokes, I'm gonna poop my pants!"

Tree Mail comes with a Do-it-Yourself Reward Challenge, meaning no Probst.  What, do you think those magnificent dimples take care of themselves?  Probst gets shot in the face with a BB gun twice a year.

The challenge is a version of Ladder Toss: 2 balls on a string are thrown around numbered pegs to score.  I'm wondering if Probst knew balls were involved before booking his dimple-maintenance on this day...how many innuendos are we missing out on?  The tribe draws coloured rocks to divide into teams, & the reward is a boat ride to a secluded island where they will have a local BBQ feast.

Troyzan, our resident superfan, claims the title of host, but Probst he is not.  Not one ball joke!  Kat is the first to score, with a 2.  Troyzan steps up & Kat suggests "take your time like I did", so of course, Troyzan just tosses it all willy-nilly & fails to score.  Tarzan scores a 4, bringing the red tribe up to 6.  Christina puts the black team on the board with 1, but they barely clap for her, even though it's better than anything they've done so far.  Sabrina can't do any better - it's like these guys have never played resort games while on vacation.

A proud day when my husband kicked our son's ass at Ladder Toss.

So the red tribe wins, & Troyzan, Tarzan, Jay, Alicia & Kat will enjoy the reward.  Now with celebrating, there are different ways you can go.  You can bask in your own, undeniable beauty while others hoot & holler around you.

You can jump up & down, leaving everyone wondering how those girls are staying put?

You can go the Douchey McTool route, & push a little person out of your way so YOU can jump in the water & celebrate, damnit.

But Tarzan was inspired by a different contestant this season: a Survivor who just had to dance his joy out.

So Tarzan, not being quite as limber as he used to be, goes for a classic.  The classic dance of an old-timey cartoon prospector  who has just discovered gold in them thar hills.  I don't want to increase the amount of time your eyeballs have to see Tarzan in his Speedos, but this is just too good to leave out.  Sorry, everyone's eyeballs.

The whole time, all Troyzan wanted was a high-five.

The boat comes & whisks the revelers away with rum & coconuts.  This is Tarzan's first reward, so he is starving & over-exuberant, even raving about the architectural structure of the crabs.  There is a rainbow in the sky, & I think of Kourtney.  *Sigh*

Jay wants reassurance, because he still has some suspicion left over from last week, but not enough to actually do something.  "At this point it's hard to trust anybody.  And if somebody has numbers on you, it's definitely hard to trust them....There's definitely gonna be some blindsides coming up.  I just hope it's not me."

Meanwhile, Chelsea is having a tough time with the hard decisions at hand regarding Troyzan & Jay.  "Looking them in the eyes & telling them they can trust me & then betraying them?  That is just not me at all."  Well, I get that, but at the same time, I don't usually charge my family for utilities or rent when they stay the night, but when I play Monopoly, we are vicious.  FOR FAKE MONEY.

Sabrina doesn't like Chelsea's doubts.  "Back to day one, we formed this alliance.  This is what we're gonna stick with...going to the end requires some big girl decisions.  You gotta put on your big girl panties & make a big girl decision.  You knew it was gonna have to come to this."

Jay understands the danger in messing with a plan already in motion.  I would agree with this most of the time, but Survivor is all about adapting.  He talks to Kat & suggests the next to go should be Alicia.  Kat: "And she's weaker than who?"  Jay takes a deep breath & speaks a little more slowly.  "She's a threat, she works both sides..."  When asked if she's cool with that, Kat says "What am I gonna say, "no"?  Jay looks at her with suspicion, but darnit, she's so cute!  So when Chelsea & Kim join them & he tells them Alicia, & asks "Can we make that set & not derive from it?", he doesn't even pick up on the glances back & forth & the pauses before answering.  Jay is suddenly naive or in denial, neither of which makes sense because he was so paranoid just a few days earlier.   Chelsea is still having a hard time.  "Jay is a hard person to look in the eye & lie to."  Well, yeah, because first you have to not look at the rest of him.

Hey girl. If you're searching for my eyes, they're near the top.

The girls know they won't win against a guy because the jury is looking to be made up of mostly guys.  Troyzan sees the girls talking & he knows what's up.  Jay doesn't want to believe it.  Jay asks Troy if he'd ever give up on a challenge for food, & Troyzan is a quick "No".  Point for Troyzan.  "I just don't want them to pull some fast move on this one."  Does this reignite Jay's suspicion?  "I really, really, really don't see that happening." 3 reallys.

Kat takes her Bieber hoodie & stands in front of a giant fan to get that sexy, wind-blown hoodie look.

The Immunity Challenge Tree Mail is read aloud, & Tarzan is now wearing a women's shirt, for some unexplained reason.

My husband's theory: He's posing as a women to avoid being voted out.

On to the Immunity Challenge that a green-shirted Probst calls "a Survivor Classic".

Survivors stand barefoot on a perch, with one hand tethered to a bucket.  When that arm drops, the bucket of water dumps on them, & they are out.  Ready to start it off, Probst says, "This challenge is officially..."

"...on."  Tarzan is out before the challenge even starts.  Probst brings out a food item to tempt with, & Christina falls just before the reveal, missing out on cookies & milk.  Sabrina jumps down for the snack & at home I'm all WTF.  I HATE when people do this.  To compete or eat?  COMPETE, every time.  Even if you are 100% safe, don't you want to prevent someone else from winning?  And how would you ever feel 100% safe?  And for cookies?  Are you kidding me?  Do you know how many times I could have bailed on writing this recap to go eat food?  My son's Easter chocolate is EVERYWHERE, but I resist.  UGH.  Hate. it.

Alicia says she may want the next plate, & Jay taunts her "You take that food, I'm gonna vote you out."  Alicia passes on cupcakes, but Kim & Kat jump down for them.  Alicia then tells Chelsea she's going to drop out & eat whatever's next, so Chelsea can win it for the girls.  Jay says, "It's kind of strange how Alicia feels safe enough to do this, almost like she's in an alliance with all the girls."  He doesn't say that?  Oh.  How are alarm bells not going off in Jay's head?  The girls aren't even pretending anymore!  Does he just think they've convinced Alicia she's safe?  If so, isn't he thinking maybe they've done the same with him?  Again, UGH.  Alicia jumps down & is rewarded with a bowl of candy & chocolate, yet I still resist the Easter loot surrounding me.

After 45 minutes, there are 4 left - Leif, Troyzan, Jay & Chelsea.  Troyzan loses his balance & is out, & rightfully pissed about it.  Probst brings out chicken wings & beer & JAY STEPS DOWN.  I can't...I mean...

Chelsea looks at Leif & says, "I can tell you this - if you step down, it makes you less of a threat."  Probst is loving this.  "Chelsea is saying winning this actually works against you.  Who do you trust?"  Not Probst, who brings out the last food item & parades it in front of them: 3 burgers, chips & beer.

Chelsea doesn't want to look at it.  Probst translates, "Leif, she's telling you 'Step down from the challenge, take a burger, & make yourself less of a threat.'  Sounds like a great deal if you buy it."
Leif: "Chelsea, is that true?"
Chelsea: "Yeah, it's true."
Leif: "Is that true?"
Chelsea: "Look at me in the eyes - it's true...do it buddy."
And Leif jumps down.  AND SHARES HIS FOOD WITH HER.

Chelsea is coming around to the knowledge she has to vote out Tryozan & Jay.  "I hate to be that person, but I love money."  The girls decide to split the vote at Kim's suggestion: 5 for Troyzan, 3 for Jay.  Jay goes to Kim for reassurance & she's all smiles & blue eyes, so what's to doubt?

Troyzan does the same, but is suspicious of Kim's exuberance.  "'You're safe! You're safe!'...you only have to say it once."  Troyzan appeals to Jay to wake up.  "I have an idol, bro.  I'm playing it."  Jay tells Tryozan he's worrying too much.  You know who told Jay he was worrying too much last week?  Mike, the guy who was blindsided.  Troy wants to switch votes from Alicia to Kim, so if they flush out the idol, she will go home.

Your secrets are safe with me, bro.

So, naturally, Jay tells Kim all of this.  I know he doesnt want to go to the end with Troyzan, but come on.  You have to see the foolishness of telling another guy's plans to the ringleader of the women.  Kim is worried that she doesn't have enough time before Tribal to change plans.  "He put the fear of God into me."

At Tribal Council, Probst asks who feels in danger.  Kim, Jay & Troyzan put up their hands.  Again, Alicia isn't even pretending anymore.  Troyzan says he started getting suspicious after the Immunity Challenge.  "You can sort of tell by who decides to step out first & get food, who applauds who when someone goes out, you know, I noticed that when I went out, everybody applauded, even some of the tribe that I thought would be rooting for me, might be rooting against me."

Alicia also notices things, like "who takes their bags to Tribal Council & who doesn't.  I notice what shorts are worn today & what shorts aren't being worn today."  She looks at Troyzan.  "He's got a lot of pockets there", she says, implying Troyzan has an idol in one of those pockets, since he was wearing swim trunks earlier in the day.

It's voting time, & we see Jay put his vote in for Alicia.  "I told you not to step down."  Right?  Who would give up a chance at Immunity for food? 

Million dollar wings, anyone?

Time to play an Idol if you have it, & Troyzan stands up.  Does he reach into one of the many pockets in his cargo shorts?  Perfectly acceptable form of transporting an Immunity Idol from camp to Jeff Probst's hands?  Nope.  'Tis the season of Idol Crotch, after all.

Let me just pull this out of my crotch for you, Jeff.

"Troyzan, why is this so warm?"

Votes are read & it seems that Kim did have enough time before Tribal to rearrange everything, as Jay is voted out.  What is confusing to me is that Tarzan voted for Jay.  Troyzan must have gone to him with his Kim plan, & told him to vote for the pretty one with the beautiful eyes.  Oh, Tarzan.

So we have to say goodbye to Jay.  So suspicious a week ago, smarter than he appeared, yet dumb enough to trust without question in the game of Survivor.  Let's remember his words to Alicia in the Immunity Challenge: "You take that food, I'm gonna vote you out."  So true.

Here are Michael's Ponderosa videos.  For Americans, you can watch the videos here, but for the rest of us, here they are.  There's food & grooming, & arts & crafts.

And another cute video, the charming & dashing Joel McHale's new ad for Nintendo 3DS...I managed to pry my eyes off all the handsome in this video & who do I see?  Survivor's Amanda Kimmel!  She wins Survivor All-Stars AND gets thisclose to Joel McHale.  Just when I'm getting jealous, I remember she dated Ozzy for awhile.  Jealousy gone.

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