Survivor South Pacific: 23.10 Out-Organize, Out-Clean, Out-Gather

This episode began with Jim joining his boys Keith & Ozzy at Redemption Island.   Jim reflects on the former OompaLoompa tribe: "This is a cult unlike any I've ever seen before."  The devotion to Coach really is quite impressive, especially when you take into account how unwelcome he was at the beginning of the game.

Over at Te Tuna - ACK! Giant centipede shot!  Why, oh why, do you do that to me when I'm eating Udon noodles?  Also, a friendly reminder to not search for photos of centipedes because screenshots from a certain film are all up in there, & Mom, just don't do it, OK?

Over at Te Tuna, Coach is trying to make Whitney & Dawn feel comfortable.  "Jim is the most dangerous kind of person, because to your face & to the surface, he looks like the best friend of everybody.  But when the chips are down, he wouldn't do shit for you."  Whitney isn't buying it, & like Jim, thinks its all cult-like, except the cult she likens it to is Christianity.  "Coach is running the show like he's Jesus.  All of them think they're gonna go to the end?  Obviously 7 can't go to the end.  I mean, it's so frustrating.  I kind of want to laugh at them & be like, Um, y'all are so smart - Cochran went to Harvard, Sophie's going to Med School - I don't understand how these 'smart people' can be so stupid."  Yes.  She did the air quotes.

Question: if you were a huge Survivor fan, wouldn't Tai Chi on Beach with Coach be on your bucket list?  No?  It's just me & Cochran?  Well, at least one of us can cross that off.  Coach's fist is so longer shaking - it is calm & steady & pulling that imaginary bow back.

Cochran admits to drinking the Coach Kool-Aid, but "taking little, delicate, ginger sips.  If I'm not on the cult leader's side, I'm gonna meet my untimely death, so I gotta obey the father of the family.  Side note: I'm sure in 1978, it was horrible for the Kool-Aid company to find out their product had become synonymous with the cult suicide of the Jonestown Massacre, but look at all the free advertising over the years!  That's taking your lemon(-lime)s & making lemon(-lime)-aid!

Everyone goes to the Redemption Island Arena to watch the Duel, or technically, a Challenge, since there are 3 competitors for the first time this season.  Probst informs them that only the winner of this challenge will stay at Redemption Island - the losers will become the first 2 members of the jury.  The challenge is to balance 2 poles on the top of their hands, applying pressure against an overhead board.  No relaxing those arms at all.

Brandon roots for Jim for some strange reason, & Whitney roots for Keith because why?  Oh yeah, because it was revealed that she & Keith fell in love, despite Whitney being secretly married!  Twist!  In my head, Cochran is screaming, "You yelled at me for throwing my tribe under the bus?  For a vote?  In a game?  And I disgust you?"  I'm just overwhelmed with the honour & integrity from Steve Vai's tribe.

Ozzy wins this challenge, with Jim the first jury member, & Keith the 2nd.  2nd in the jury, & 2nd...nope, I'm not gonna do it.   Ozzy is triumphant in that weird monotone surfer declaration voice of his: "I'm sitting in the best place."  How's that?  "Well, I don't have to rely on people's trust, & I'm sitting there at Redemption, eating my heart out, getting ready for the next person to come in.  I'll be nice, I'll make you fish, make you fruit, & then I'll come & beat you & I'll be sitting at the end, too, & we'll see who's back-stabbed who & who has taken the higher road, if you will."

Time to say goodbye to Jim & Keith, & again I'm reminded how much I don't like Redemption Island.  When Jim fell out of the challenge, he knew he was gone.  Out of the game for good.  But he has to go sit down & watch the rest of the challenge before anything happens.  Then it's time to leave, & he just throws his buff in the fire after hoping there was a secret double Redemption Island.  Maybe it's the daylight that makes it much less dramatic.  It just seems like such a non-event, which isn't fair.  Keith throws his buff into the fire In the Name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spirit, which seemed a little weird when I watched it, & now it seems even weirder.

My husband is a big Ozzy fan & doesn't know how anyone could dislike him, but I just think he's really full of himself.  I admire his survival skills & athleticism, absolutely.  But that's about it.  Now all alone again on Redemption, Ozzy reverts to his natural form, an otter-monkey.  First we are treated to gorgeous underwater shots of Ozzy diving into the reefs, being tossed about by the waves, & looking as comfortable as I am on the couch.  And he does it all with a snorkel - there are no oxygen tanks or scuba gear involved.  Closing his nostrils much like an otter does is the only explanation.  Next he shows us his monkey side as he scales a tree & tosses coconuts to the ground.  Of course, he poses patiently at the top of the tree until the helicopter can circle him.

Dawn is screwed, & trying to find a way out, & has the balls to say this to Cochran: "I was realizing this morning again how frustrated I am that I jeopardized my own game & didn't out your game plan when our group could have shook it up.  I feel like you could reciprocate."  Pardon me?  Cochran offered you a chance to be part of that big move & you didn't take it.  Then you were dumb enough to not say anything, even while knowing it would mean Steve Vai getting picked off one by one.  You sabotaged your own game, Dawn.  Cochran ponders returning to Dawn & Whitney, thinking it might earn him more jury votes, but I think it would make him look flippy-floppy.

At the Immunity Challenge, Probst asks for the necklace back, & Whitney walks over & just turns her back on Jeff, making him take it off her.  "You're not gonna help me at all, are you?" Probst asks.  "Nope.  I don't want to let go of it."  Immunity means more to Whitney than her secret wedding vows!  Zing!  The challenge involves balancing a bowl of rice on your head over teeter-totters, to pour your rice into a big bowl.  When you have enough rice to tip that teeter-totter, you win.  Probst tweeted that he loves Survivor challenges you can play in your backyard.  New project, honey: we need 9 teeter-totters built by the finale.

I'll hit Costco.

Sophie does well throughout the challenge, & with a last bowl that is overflowing with rice, she wins Immunity.  Probst warns there will be a twist at tribal council.  This makes Dawn hopeful, but rarely are tribal council twists a good thing for those on the bottom rungs.  Cochran starts worrying, & thinks the twist may be a double elimination.  Suddenly, there's scrambling.

Dawn & Whitney need someone to talk to.  Whitney's fair assessment is that Brandon's a loose cannon, Rick's not even playing the game, Edna is far up Coach's butt, but Albert seems like a good guy.  Albert it is!  Albert is a thinker & knows now would be a great time to make a big move - but it would mean going against his alliance.  "My only real chance to win this game is to secure every Savaii vote I can get."  He wants to get Edna out, which will move Cochran up the ladder, & curry favour from Dawn & Whitney - 3 potential votes for Albert in the end.

Coach is walking throughout camp, looking stressed.  He knows Albert has been talking to Whitney & Dawn.  Brandon feeds the paranoia: "Coach, I thought it was our thing not to talk to these people."  Cochran & Albert talk strategy while they play checkers on a homemade set.  Via twitter, I asked Albert what it was made from, & he replied that the pieces were left-over accessories from a challenge, & a box they had won coffee in.  Resourceful!

Albert shares his thoughts with "Soph-a-loph" which may be the cutest nickname for a Sophie ever.  She isn't sure if they should make a move, & says "Albert is showing his true colours more & more, which maybe are similar to my true colours: that I'm strategic & I want to win this game."  Albert presses on with why they should vote Edna out.  "This game's not out-organize, out-clean, & out-gather.  It's frigging Survivor."  Best line of the night.

Coach is turning from cult leader into mob boss.  Gone are the days of love-bombing.  "Albert right now is playing for Albert, & that's a dangerous game to play out here...he's either trying to come up with a last second plan, or he's trying to curry jury votes, & neither one of them is acceptable, in my opinion...If anybody goes against the family, they're dead."

At Tribal Council, the first jury members come in.  Jim looks normal, & Keith...does not.  He's wearing a bright green skirt & has shaved his patchy beard into facial hair that only Johnny Depp & the Count of Monte Cristo can pull off.

Just, no.

As Cochran starts speaking, Jim & Keith behave like cartoon villains, narrowing their eyes, shaking their heads...it's good stuff.  Coach starts a long monologue with "I don't do a lot of talking.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm not running this alliance, I'm not running the show, but I'm always thinking in the back of my head that people have to make big moves in order to get further in this game & so I worry, I stress, I believe, I trust - all those emotions, all day long.  It drives me crazy."  It's hard being Coach, you guys.  Seriously, though, Coach has been impressive this season.  He said he was going to be strategic, & he really has been.  Definitely more stressed, though.

Nobody has the hidden Immunity Idol - we know Coach still has one, but have Whitney & Dawn not been looking for the hidden one at all?  Probst reads the votes - at one point we have 2 votes Edna, 2 votes Dawn, & 1 vote Don.  Don?  I know there's always spelling mistakes at tribal, but DON?  My husband & I wager who wrote it.  I say Brandon, he says Rick.  (I won).  Dawn is voted out & as she heads for Redemption Island & some tasty fish courtesy of Ozzy, Probst announces they are going right into an Immunity Challenge, with another vote to follow.

Probst asks Sophie for the Immunity necklace back, & what do you know, she takes it off & hands it to him herself.  Amazing!  Immunity challenge is trivia, & Cochran looks giddy.  They had multiple choice for some of these, but I'll just provide the questions & correct answers:

1. To prevent dehydration, it's recommended Survivors drink how much purified water?  1 gallon.
3 people are out.

2. True or False: A Coconut Crab gets its name because its favourite food is coconut.  True.
2 people are out.

Who knew?

3. The soft, edible flesh inside the stalk of a fallen coconut is called?  Heart of Palm
Coach is out, leaving only Sophie to prevent Whitney from winning Immunity.  The pressure is on!

4. True or False: Although they are quite delicious, you should not attempt to remove giant South Pacific Clams from the ocean as they are considered dangerous.
Whitney says True, Sophie says False.  Sophie wins!  Hooray Soph-a-loph!  Whitney is off to share some tasty fish with Ozzy & Dawn, & write 2 country songs: 1. Y'all Vilified Me.  2. I Left My Secret Husband For The Bonus Jonas.

This episode was the first time this season that I've been able to watch Survivor live, due to a musical theatre production I've been in.  If any of you have been watching live, don't miss the tweeters from Survivor that live tweet the episodes.  If you'd like to tweet along with the most informative/entertaining Survivor tweeters, follow  @JeffProbst, @SurvivorCochran, & @SurvivorAlbert.  They're my favourites, & I'm sure they'll be yours, too.

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.9 Everything's Coming Up Cochran

or

The Episode in which it is Revealed that the Cowardly Wiener is not Cochran.

After being so totally zen as tribal council unfolded around him last week, Ozzy wants to speak to Cochran alone once they get back to camp.  I've always wondered - is there no talking during the walk back to camp?  How long of a walk is it?  Do they have to wait for the dramatic music cue?

Ozzy remains in his surfer zen state, & manages to get one complete sentence out before Brandon appears, wanting to make sure no one is being aggressive towards Cochran.  Ozzy assures him all is fine.  "We're not gangsters out here, man", he says to the guy with the 'Loco' neck tattoo.

I wish Cochran would just tell everyone to kiss his ass, but he explains himself, & uses the rocks as his primary reason for switching.  Ozzy isn't satisfied with this, feels betrayed, & declares "That's how a wiener plays."  Jim doesn't connect so much with the surfer zen Ozzy, instead favouring the tantrum-prone Ozzy from episode 6.  "You're a piece of shit coward. You're a poor excuse for a man.  Don't fucking talk to me ever again."  A little later, Jim also calls him a "fucking piece of shit nerd".  Whitney says "So you're the vote? And you realize Keith & I saved you 3 times?  And that's what you fucking do?  You disgust me."  And she's off to write a country song about feeling vilified, since she uses that word 3 times in this episode.

A saddened Cochran joins the former Oompas around the fire, where they comfort him, & tell him he did nothing wrong.  I see Rick move his lips like he's saying something, but I must be hallucinating since Rick is mute, right?  I wish Cochran had stood up a little straighter against the bullies.  It hurts to see him being yelled at, & feeling scorned.  He has every right to be triumphant & all "suck it, bitches!", but he's not.  Come on, Cochran!

Coach stands next to the new Te Tuna flag, & thankfully it doesn't have any graphic depictions of the actual myth of Te Tuna on it. *Shudder*  Coach then moves down to the beach to do a specific type of Tai Chi that involves shaking his fist in frustration that the rest of the tribe doesn't want to learn from him, like they did in Heroes vs Villains.

Cochran tells Coach he thinks Ozzy should go first, as he's such a threat, but on a personal level, he'd like Jim to be gone.  Ozzy knows he's going to be next if he doesn't win immunity, so he vows to bust his ass at the challenge.

Unfortunately for Ozzy, there's no real way to bust your ass at throwing coconuts into a ring, so he doesn't even make it to the next stage.  Sophie, Jim, Whitney & Dawn now have to crack coconuts open, carry coconut water in their mouths through an obstacle course to fill up a tube.  This challenge provides Probst with lots of innuendo opportunities.  "Whitney getting a good mouthful."  "Sophie sliding down that pole."  Nicely done.  Sophie fights a losing battle with her gag reflex - I honestly don't know how more coconut water wasn't spit out accidentally with all the jumps & falls through the obstacle course.  Crazy.  Jim wins immunity, & trots over to receive his necklace with a coconut in hand.  WTF, Jim? How can you want more coconut water after that?

The Oompas will all vote for Ozzy, because, as Brandon points out, "How many chances do you get to vote him out of this game?" Cochran quickly replies, "Apparently 2!" Brandon looks away.  He looks back at Cochran, laughing at his joke. "...........oh. Yeah. Ha."  I'm not entirely convinced he got it, even then.

Ozzy tells Coach he doesn't want to go, & Coach appreciates Ozzy's humility.  Coach whips out what he says is a Marcus Aurelius quote (I myself cannot go a day without referencing a philosopher from the 2nd century, I don't know about you guys), "Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."  However, this quote is actually attributed to Comer Cottrell, a man who did not live 2000 years ago, & is still alive today.  Step forward & claim your quote, sir!  It seems possible that Coach has forgotten what Aristotle once said: "Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them." Boo-yah!

Do I look like a Greek Philosopher to you?  Give me my quote back.

Dawn very obviously sucks up to Coach, offering him a pillow & blankets.  "I'm gonna need to consider flipping & voting with the Upolu tribe."  Yeah, that would have been nice last week, when you could have sided with Cochran, & that move would've meant something.  Now you just look pathetic.  Note that when everyone was ripping into Cochran earlier in the episode, Dawn was nowhere to be seen - not siding with him, not defending him, not even with the OompaLoompas - just absent.  Dawn remains awful.

Jim & Whitney are talking about how vile & disgusting Cochran is.  Jim says "I could never ever throw my tribe under the bus like Cochran did to us."  Maybe because you actually feel like you're part of a tribe that treats you with respect?  How do these people not get that?  Jim offers a solution to Ozzy: he'll give Ozzy the immunity necklace, & at tribal council, they'll try to convince the OompaLoompas to vote for Cochran, because he's such a cowardly, backstabbing weiner.  Ozzy is so touched he wants to cry, but I say save those tears for the moment Jim actually hands over the necklace.  Ozzy is convinced Jim will follow through on his word, because, after all, he's always been about honesty & integrity, right?

It's 22 minutes into the episode & we're at tribal already.  Cochran describes his reception back at camp as "chilly, & lukewarm, to put it mildly."  Is Cochran describing the temperature at camp, or the people who were swearing in his face?  I'm confused.  These are not your friends, Cochran! Stop trying to say things nicely!  Defending his decision, Cochran says, "I viewed it as an opportunity to take control of my own fate in this game, to play, you know, with the sort of group of people that I wanted to play with (yes! suck it, Steve Vai!)...& I don't mean any disrespect to my former tribe mates.  I know that clearly sounds horrendous..."  Ozzy assures him it did, & Whitney agrees.  Come on, Cochran!  You have 6 people on your side, one of whom surely has been charged with assault in the past.  You can stand up for yourself a little straighter than that!

Brandon pipes up with "The smaller people don't have to take it anymore.  We're not gonna be bullied around.  The Upolu tribe is standing behind Cochran, period."  Cut to Jim, whose face indicates he's having second thoughts about handing the immunity necklace to Ozzy.  Well, it appears that way.  I'm sure he'll stick to his word.
Jim panders to Coach, by saying "warrior heart & warrior soul", & Coach's head literally perks up, like someone said t-r-e-a-t.  Jim gives his best rousing speech to rally the troops.  (It's best if you imagine a triumphant horn section & the Te Tuna flag waving behind him.)

"Today, as one voice, we can send a message to anybody who ever will play Survivor: that you can go through this game honourably.  And if you're a turncoat, you got no place in my tribe.  You can say that right now by voting off Cochran....it gives these guys a chance to really say beyond this game, what is this game really about?"

I think even future players would agree: it's about winning a million dollars.  But Jim is so full of integrity & honour that its understandable he would forget about that part.  Coach is not falling for it, & counters, "It would send a message to everybody that if you stick up for yourself, you're gonna get screwed.  And I'm not gonna see that happen."  The fault in choosing Coach to pander to is that Coach identifies with Cochran, as he's been picked on his whole life.  Before he became the Dragonslayer, obviously.  But yes, as he confided in Cochran last week, he knows what it feels like to be marginalized.  Jim the bully apparently does not.
Ozzy tries a last ditch scare tactic, vowing that if he gets sent to Redemption, he'll return again, after feeding himself well & sending everyone else home.  Now the moment of truth: will the honourable Jim give his immunity necklace to Ozzy?  "I'm gonna keep it tonight."  Ozzy's mind is blown.  In my head, Cochran screams "COWARDLY PIECE OF SHIT WIENER!"

Not only do the OompaLoompas stick to voting Ozzy out, but Dawn does too, as does Whitney!  Whitney!  I know it doesn't make any difference at this point, but how come no one yells at her for directing traffic while Ozzy was thrown under a bus?  Ozzy jumps up, smiling a bit too widely, & says "You guys just fell for my master plan!"  Way to wow us with your thespian skills again, Ozzy.

For the first time, we see what life is like during the day at Redemption Island, & that's probably because the only footage they had previously was of Semhar speaking her truth amongst the trees & tide, & Christine rolling her eyes every 30 seconds.  Now we see beautiful footage of Ozzy spear-fishing in the reefs, & he truly is a rock-star otter fisher-boy.  Not only does he catch the biggest fish he's ever caught, but he also finds some tasty clams to crack open!

While Ozzy & Keith are feasting on the fresh fish, Ozzy wonders what everyone else is eating today.

The 2nd Immunity Challenge of the episode is brought to you by the letter B, & involves balancing a ball on a bended bow, while balancing on a beam. It's also one of those challenges that you can choose not to compete in, & instead gorge on pastries, doughnuts, cupcakes, muffins & iced coffee.  So there's your answer, Ozzy.
Damn you, Probst, & your tempting sweets! It drives me absolutely crazy when anyone chooses the food over competing, so to see Cochran & the former Oompas sit down & binge makes me sad.  I understand that they truly don't need immunity & are in a great position, but I still think everyone should compete, if only to prevent someone else from winning.  Of course, I say that with a belly full of Chinese food, so what do I know?  Everyone dives into the food with so much gusto it's like a food orgy.  When Probst asks Brandon a question, he says he wants to eat, not talk, yet he pauses to whisper sweet nothings to a muffin.

Jim falls out of the challenge early, leaving Dawn & Whitney to battle for immunity.  Probst tells Jim he has no chance at immunity, & Jim barks back with a bratty "I know!"  Dawn tells everyone eating that she'll try to stay in the challenge as long as possible so they can eat as much as they can (they have to stop eating when the challenge is over).  I'm sure immunity has nothing to do with it.  Brandon seems one cupcake away from a food coma, & Cochran offers his shoulder to rest his head on.  Awww.  Careful, Cochran....he may start stalking you next.  Dawn falters, & makes an amazing recovery, & Brandon demonstrates the effect sugar has by singing "So Awesome!"  Whitney wins immunity, which is a non-issue, since Cochran wants Jim gone, & apparently, everything's coming up Cochran right now.

Back at camp, we see that sugar is also coursing through Cochran's system, as he struts around wearing the Coach coat, dances, & then completes the look with Rick's hat.  It's nice to see Cochran comfortable around these people.  Jim tries to persuade Sophie & Albert to side with him, but they see no reason to budge, & Jim seems screwed.  Coach sees an opportunity to use metaphors, & compares Jim to a rhino & Dawn to a snake.  I like it.

At the 2nd tribal council of the night, Jeff seems very concerned with the justness of it all.  "Is it fair to say that it's Dawn or Jim?"  "Is it fair to say that Jim is more of a threat than Dawn?"  "Is it fair to say that Dawn may be more likeable?"  "Is it fair to say that this is what this tribe should do?"  Is it fair to say that someone may have sued Probst recently for past tribal council proceedings?

Dawn makes the mistake of saying that it was hard for her to watch everyone eat while she competed in the immunity challenge.  Uh-oh! Brandon's hand is up!  There's a reckoning about to be reckoned!  "You told us you had wanted to stay up there as long as possible so that we could eat.  You just contradicted what you said."  Silly Dawn tries to reason with Brandon, who forgives her, but will never again second a motion that Dawn is great.  Whitney feels vilified & vilified, & doesn't like that she's been vilified, because she's really a good person, you guys!

Everyone goes to vote, & Probst smiles as Cochran walks past him in the Coach coat.  Yes, he wore it to tribal council.  I am loving this shift in the game as a huge Cochran fan, but also because in my Survivor pool, out of about 40 entries of 3 names each, I am the only person who chose Cochran as one of my picks.  For the last 6 seasons, either my Husband, my Mother, or I have won this pool...so we're pretty awesome at guessing.  (Didn't bow-tie Bob teach you people anything?  Always bet on nerd.)  So if Cochran goes as far as I bet he would, before I even knew the depths of his adorableness, I'll be in a good position.

Jim is voted out, meaning that Cochran has crossed 3 of his tormentors off his list, & they're all hanging on Redemption Island wondering how this nerd put them all there.  Pretty amazing for a guy who was in a pretty desperate situation just a few days prior.  But never forget what Comer Cottrell once said, not 2000 years ago, "Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation".

Why, thank you!

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.8 The Cochran Show

Who knew masterminds were so adorable?

This is the episode I've been dreaming about.  After last week's bold move by Ozzy Christ Superstar, Cochran still has stars in his eyes over the Survivorness of it all. "You just witnessed Survivor history!"  Unfortunately, nobody else at camp Steve Vai cares about the never-before-seen-in-23-seasons-of-Survivor trivia, & they are miserable.  Keith is the most blunt about his disdain for the decision to send Ozzy to Redemption in Cochran's place.  "It's one thing to be willing to go, but to actually do it...to step up & take control...I guess it's just the way that I live my life - I don't live it where somebody else fights my battles for me."  Easy to say when you get kicked out of the Jonas Brothers because you're too tall.  Again, if any of the pretty people had paid attention, they would've realized that it would have been WAY better for their game to send Cochran to Redemption, & if Christine beat him, she would be a number for them.  Not that I'm complaining.  AT ALL.

Cochran says many memorable things this episode, starting with "If anyone in this game is capable of being a double agent, it's me.  I've already been pretending like I like these people on my tribe for the last 18 days...I think I deserve an Academy Award for that performance."

In recognition of John Cochran's superb performance of Nerd Surrounded by Asses in Survivor:South Pacific, which is now apparently eligible for Academy Awards.

Discussing whether or not he is prepared to play the villain, Cochran says he thought he was going to be the sweetheart.  Keith has a chuckle, "That's a good one."  I am loving it, because with all Cochran's insecurity & over-thinking, he still knew he would be charming.  He probably hoped his charm worked less on the viewers at home & more on the people in charge of handing out one million dollars, but the point is, he knew he would be loved.  There is confidence underneath that sweater vest.

At the Redemption Island duel, Ozzy puts his actor's suit on, & like a movie villain who explains his entire plan to his nemesis, he "explains" the entire plan to his nemesis.  "We lose one challenge because somebody can't operate a clip, & that ends up being the person that sends me here.  You played the idol, you don't even...(flustered pause)...I know one of you...(shit, where was I going with this?)...somebody else probably knew that you had it...(improv is hard!)...as far as I'm concerned, tribe boundaries...don't exist anymore.  I thrive on the pressure to get back in the game...(dramatic pause)...for revenge...(finished strong!)...basically...(motherfu...)"   To Sophie's keen eye, Ozzy's actor's suit appears to be a woven blend of over-the-top & pathetic.  Itchy.  Cochran does a better job at looking ostracized from his tribe because he's typecast.

The actual duel involves building a pole from sticks & twine that will be able to reach 3 sets of keys.  Once you unlock all 3 locks, the winner re-enters the game.  Jeff Seuss provides commentary:

Your first goal

is to make a pole

that is long enough

& strong enough.

Next step is to reach,

& try not to screech

You can do it

if you put your mind to it!

Christine's pole is shaking,

Ozzy's is not breaking

Christine stops to fix it,

Ozzy simply kicks its (ass).

Christine is quite unlucky,

to leave this way is sucky.

We'll miss your rolling eyes.

Goodbye, Christine, goodbye.

Jeff tells the tribes they are now merged, & they head to their camp to feast on food & beer.  Coach & Cochran immediately talk strategy, & I am happy.  I've been saying all along how great it would be if Cochran was with the Oompas, & it seems more & more likely as the episode progresses.  Cochran is smiling, & looks comfortable.   "I'm excited to become the double agent I was meant to be."  However, I think the more Cochran speaks with Coach, Albert & Sophie, the more he realizes it would be beneficial to just switch tribe allegiances.  What has Steve Vai ever done for him, aside from blistering guitar solos & possibly some tasty honey?  

Coach is all-knowing & appeals to Cochran on an intellectual level, & is actually very impressive in his coaching of Cochran here.  "Our tribe is not budging.  & I feel like you guys are trying to play us.  You guys came up with a story.  You sent Ozzy to Redemption.  You got an idol in your pocket, knowing that Ozzy would win Redemption.  It was a risk, but you knew that Ozzy would win Redemption.  We will not bend, we will vote 6 strong."  Cue the Full House emotional moment music.  "I know what those kinds of people think about people with intellect.  I've been made fun of my whole life, dude.  I might be The Dragonslayer now, but I know what it feels like to be superior in one way to people, & they know it, so they find ways that you're inferior to cut you down.  I know what it feels like, man.  You have a chance to change the game for yourself."  Coach draws a line in the sand. "Come across that line."  So is Coach actually saying he gets made fun of less now that he calls himself a Dragonslayer?  This is why I love Coach.  You too could be a Dragonslayer, Cochran!  Or maybe just stay on the path towards becoming a lawyer...because not everyone is cut out to be a Dragonslayer in the 21st Century.

I'm pretty sure at this point Cochran has decided he has found his people - they're smart, & there's only one ridiculously pretty person.  Cochran spills the "loose beans" on what went down last week regarding Ozzy's night in Gethsemane.  Brandon wants to know who would give Cochran the most trouble if he betrayed the Steve Vai's, & Cochran says Jim has a temper, but Keith has been consistently rude & unpleasant.  Brandon offers protection, & I'm confused because this is a nice thing.  Wait - was Mikayla really an evil seductress?  OMG, has Brandon been sane the entire time?  TWIST!  I wonder if Cochran knows Brandon's relationship to Russell Hantz.  I mean, there are tattoos all over him, but it hasn't been addressed on the show whether any of the Steve Vai's know.  I feel like Cochran would respect Russell's game, even though it's different than his, solely because of how much they both love & respect this game.

Even though Cochran is planning to desert his tribe that never accepted him, he does a good thing.  "I consider myself a strategist, & maybe even a mastermind, but not an evil mastermind, so I returned the hidden Immunity Idol to Ozzy."  He continues, "Up to this point in the game, I feel like I've been putting my fate in the hands of tribe mates I don't entirely trust & who don't entirely respect me.  Now that the merge has come & it's become an individual game, I finally feel like I'm in control of my fate...I am the person right now who gets to decide how Survivor: South Pacific takes shape...& possibly ends."

Dawn, who has never been quite "in" with the pretty people, breaks down when Cochran gives her the option of jumping ship with him.  Cue the Growing Pains emotional moment music.  Dawn is disappointed that she didn't stand up for Cochran sooner.  She has seen him get picked on & treated with disrespect, & has done nothing, even though "I have a son with red hair who Cochran reminds me of".  Let me remind Dawn that she hasn't been too kind to Cochran either, but she has "learned tolerance."  You're awful, Dawn, & no amount of crying can make you sympathetic to me.

Cochran reminds Dawn that if the vote is split 6-6 twice, everyone draws rocks to see who leaves, except the 2 names originally voted for - they become exempt, as is anyone with immunity.  "I've been grovelling & begging not to be voted out since the first tribal council.  Now what we're expected to do is to completely give up our games to fate, with the whole rock draw thing.  This is the first moment when I, & I think you, too, can finally decide what course we want to take."

They will never take our FREEDOM! Screw you, rocks!

The new name of the merged tribe is "Te Tuna", & I think it must be the name of another of Rob & Amber's stuffed animals.  Keith says it's based on a story of how the coconut came to be.  According to Wikipedia, it's A HORRIBLE STORY.  Te Tuna is a Polynesian eel-god who jumps onto land & rapes women, until one day someone cuts off his head, plants it, & shoots spring from it, growing into the first coconut tree.  I do not want to see this tribe flag.

The Immunity Challenge is for 2 Immunity Necklaces: 1 for a man, 1 for a woman.  The challenge is balancing on a perch while holding a coconut between rope & it's so nondescript that all I can say about it is that Dawn & Ozzy win.  This makes the former Steve Vais happy, because if it goes to rocks, there are only 4 of them eligible, then that could go down to 3 or even 2, once you factor in the other idol, & who is voted for first, becoming exempt for the rocks.  So, good odds.

Cochran, however, does not like those odds.  "Even if it was a 1 out of 30 that a rock would send me home, I wouldn't want to do it, because that's not what this game is about.  I love this game, I respect this game, but I don't respect reducing my game to a game of chance in pulling a rock out of a bag."  Well said.

Now that Dawn has a shiny new necklace & is guaranteed safety tonight, she's no so sure she wants to stand up for Cochran anymore.  She was only, you know, crying about her failure to stand up for him earlier, so what's a few more days?  "I feel like he's watching out for himself tonight & nobody else."  And what is it you're doing, Dawn?  And why should Cochran have any loyalty to these people at all?

Surprisingly, Brandon is not overcome with a desire to be truthful at tribal council, & he doesn't tell Steve Vai that Cochran will be voting with the Oompas tonight.  SECOND BRANDON TWIST!  It's like 1999 M. Night Shyamalan wrote this episode of Survivor!  Not a lot of talk before this vote as it seems clear it will go to the rocks, although Ozzy does tell everyone he has the Immunity Idol.  What is his problem?  Ozzy gives the Idol to Whitney.  First round of voting is split between Keith & Rick.  Second round...surprise! Keith, you're gone.  Jim is shocked, & when Cochran turns around to say "I swapped.  I'll explain later", Jim says "Coward".  I say "Bastard."  Cochran, you shouldn't have to explain anything.  And when someone calls you a coward for making a bold move in a game that's in your best interest, you correct him, because that move was the opposite of cowardice.  You blindsided your tribe of bullies, you flushed out the idol, & now you're on the side with more numbers, & nicer, smarter people.  Come on, Cochran, stand up to the bullies!  You're America's sweetheart!

Jim calls Cochran a coward for the second time, & Brandon (Brandon!) steps up & says "Don't talk to him like that. That's what you get for talking to people like that in the first place."  As they leave, Brandon tells Cochran, "Stay close to me."  OMG am I starting to like Brandon?

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.7 Ozzy Christ Superstar

It will all make sense.  Have some faith.

It was mentioned at the end of last week's episode, & again at the start of this week's: the tribes are even, so the outcome of the next Immunity Challenge is a big deal, as the merge will probably happen soon.  But you won't make the mistake of forgetting it a second time, because you will be reminded of it many times in this episode.

When they return to camp, Oompa Loompa has the discussion about Brandon's instability that they should have had during tribal, so they could have voted him out instead of Mikayla.  Tribal is, after all, the place for full disclosure.  No?  It's only Brandon who thinks that? Everyone else speaks cryptically & guarded?  My bad.  Coach says not to worry - if there comes a time when Brandon becomes a liability, there will be a bullet in his head, like Lennie in Of Mice and Men.  Lennie, of course, was mentally disabled, & had issues with attractive women.  This comparison is awesome, but Coach, I cannot express my disappointment that you would choose such an undignified weapon.  Where is your sword?  Are you a dragonslayer or not?

At Redemption Island Arena, Cochran looks rightly shocked that Mikayla was voted out of Oompa Loompa.  They get rid of the pretty people over there?  The duel involves removing planks from a crate, making a bridge with the planks, & solving a puzzle with the planks.

Planking may or may not have also been a part of the duel.  There were so many planks, it's hard to tell.

Mikayla came from behind to complete the puzzle first, but it was slightly wrong, leaving it open for Christine to win for the 5th time in a row.  Mikayla leaves for really reallz, & Albert is saddened - losing your genetic soulmate can do that to a guy.  Christine says "I have always been a legitimate force.  My whole life."  This gives Ozzy something to think about.  "If the merge is coming, & if we lose the next challenge, it might be worthwhile to send somebody to Redemption that can beat Christine & come back in the game & even out the numbers."  But who this man could be, I just don't know.

Before they reach Steve Vai, Ozzy tells Cochran what he's thinking.  "I don't want to go to Redemption, but if it comes down to it...I will go." Cochran restrains from screaming "Wheeeeeee!", & instead just says "that's...that's unbelievable."  Ozzy Christ Superstar continues, "I only want to say - if there is a way, take this cup away from me.  I don't want to taste its poison."

At Oompa Loompa, Coach is praying. DRINK!  We hear a screeching hawk as Coach does Tai Chi in the ocean.  Love it.  Coach decides the tribe needs a boost, so plans to let everyone know they have the idol so they can all rally behind it.  Also, they will pray.  DRINK!  Everyone gathers & Coach leads them in a prayer to please, God, let them find the idol that Coach already found & has hidden from half the tribe.  Sophie finds it icky, but is keeping her mouth shut, which is exactly what I would do if I found myself stuck in a cult.  She somehow manages to not roll her eyes at the camera, which only tells me she didn't spend enough time with Christine to learn the proper eye-rolling etiquette. Christine knows that when participating in the first of many group prayer circles, EYE-ROLLING IS MANDATORY. 

Coach is all "hey, look what we found", & Brandon practically weeps with joy.  "We found the idol not even 5 minutes after we got done praying.  It's definitely an advantage having The Big Guy Upstairs on your tribe."  Bitch, please.  Like God is hanging out at Oompa Loompa when his son, Ozzy Christ Superstar, is on Steve Vai's tribe.  AWKWARD.  I wonder if Brandon is having a crisis of faith, given that prayer had nothing to do with finding the idol.  It was just Coach getting it from the place where he put it.  It's a miracle!

The Immunity/Reward Challenge is next, although this week the "Reward" is debatable.  Everyone shows up painted & adorned like one other person - their twin.  I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for this. 

I absolutely love how striking Cochran's paleness is. That popped-collar is doing its job!

Probst breaks the news that the "reward" will be a private screening of Adam Sandler's new movie, Jack & Jill, where he plays twins.  So, do you get it now?  Twins?  And you're all painted?  To match another person?  Like you're twins?  Like in this movie?  Somehow, no one is as excited as they are when the reward is pizza & beer.  This challenge is a blind obstacle course the "twins" have to go through together to bring back tiki heads to solve a puzzle - you have to match the "twins".  Wow, they are trying really hard to make this work.

Coach starts praying in the middle of the challenge. DRINK! Probst's commentary seems to only update us on the status of Cochran's work, as Steve Vai starts to lose their big lead.  "Cochran is in charge of the ropes...Big malfunction...Still struggling with the ropes...lost a tremendous amount of time...Once again, having trouble with the ropes...Cochran was in charge of getting them hooked in, & he did not do a good job...Ozzy's gonna unhook & rehook the rope the way it should've been done in the first place." AWFUL WINGMAN.  Cochran gives Probst a look like he can't believe even the principal is picking on him.  Cochran messed up, & it cost Steve Vai the challenge. 

Oompa Loompa was celebrating by, you know, hugging, & cheering, but Coach will have none of it.  "On your knees!  On your knees!"  He grabs Edna & forces her to the ground.  Woah.  Then they pray.  DRINK, but this time a little apprehensively because it's getting creepy & maybe we weren't right to make fun of something Coach & Brandon are taking a little too seriously.  This is how wars get started, you guys.  Coach says "This challenge was about family (they got it, Jeff!), hidden trust, & um, some blindfolds...but we give God the glory - we prayed before the challenge, during the challenge, & we gave thanks & knelt down before Him as soon as we won the challenge."  Someone get Sophie out NOW!

Probst reminds Oompa that by winning Immunity, they'll have a one member advantage.  Cue Brandon to point to the heavens, for that is where their extra man resides, & cue the awesome foley guy to put in a church bell.  A screeching hawk AND a church bell?  A true artist.  Probst then says "You're going to enjoy Jack & Jill", but his dimples are shaking their heads.  They know.  Coach shouts, "Jack & Jill, baby!"  Does Coach think Jack & Jill is a dark retelling of the nursery rhyme?  Because only that could explain his delight regarding this movie.

Ozzy is angry, frustrated, punchy & kicky, & with his painted face, I'm thinking another Lord of The Flies moment may be coming.  But turns out, he's just pissed that they lost, when they could've won easily.  Everyone knows Cochran is to blame.  But to blame for what?  For Steve Vai NOT HAVING TO SIT THROUGH JACK & JILL?  Everyone, send Cochran your thanks now, for he sacrificied himself for the good of the tribe.  Alas, nobody sees this silent sacrifice but me, & everyone agrees Cochran is going.  But they still want him to beat Christine at RI, & then rejoin them, obviously.  Cochran feels "a new level of ostracism", one that suddenly has cheerleaders for his downfall: "You can do it, Cochran!"

Cochran feels terrible, & is ready to accept the consequences.  There goes the Ozzy RI plan - he's not as sure as when they started.  "Instead of sending Ozzy, the Trojan Horse, to Redemption Island to shock everybody in a merge & destroy Christine & even the odds, they're sending the court jester, & I don't know what I'm supposed to do apart from a funny little dance or shake my hands around in a comical manner, & it's not going to win the challenge."  Um, unless it's a Woody Allen-off, in which case you win.  And you'd better get your agents lined up, Cochran - I have a feeling Columbia Pictures will jump on this chance of promotion, & plan a remake, starring you:

Danny Kaye.  Sigh.

Cochran is unsure of himself, saying "I don't know how well I can pull off the whole, like, 'I'm indestructable, so you better be shaking in your boots, you stupid bitch'."  Ozzy: "Why not?"  Um, he just explained to you why not, Ozzy.

Ozzy went to bed planning to send Cochran to Redemption, but wakes up bathed in a holy light.  He knows what he must do, & is willing to sacrifice himself.  It's Survivor: Gethsemane!  No more sleeping in the garden, Ozzy!  Ozzy Christ Superstar shows the idol to everyone & offers it to Cochran.  Says he wants to go to Redemption Island, because he has a better chance of defeating Christine, & doubting Keith doesn't like it.  But really, could you ask as much from any other man? 

At tribal (or should we call it Cavalry now?), Steve Vai tells Jeff their hopes that whoever goes to RI will beat Christine & rejoin them.  Probst wonders why Cochran would put his life on the line for them, & Ozzy says, "the thing about it is, Jeff, I'm putting my life on the line."  "BLAM!", said Stacey from home.  Ozzy Christ Superstar goes on to explain that if he goes, numbers could be their reward.  He can show you that he will not be voted off in vain.  Why should he be scared to finish what he started? (Well, what Cochran started.  Ozzy didn't start it.) 

Ozzy plans to tell Christine a story casting Cochran as the villain, which is an idea that Cochran lurves, by the look on his face.  Probst brings up the possibility of not merging so soon, or Ozzy not winning the duel & looking like a fool.  Cochran is like, Are you for real, Jeff?  Ozzy Christ Superstar is undeterred, saying he will drink the cup of poison.  Kill me, take me now, before I change my mind.  Cochran is thrilled on many levels - his ass is saved, & as a Survivor nerd, he's never seen a move like this in 22 seasons, & now he is right in the middle of it.  Amazing.

After the vote, Probst asks about idols, & for a moment, Ozzy Christ Superstar looks like he did change his mind, but then laughs & hands the idol to Cochran.  I take a deep breath & unclutch my pearls.  Probst reads the votes, all for Ozzy.  Keith looks like he's crying a little bit.  Ozzy skips off to the Ascension, I mean Redemption.

I have to say, I've never been a big Ozzy fan, especially this season, but this is a remarkable move.  Stupid, when playing for a million dollars, but remarkable nonetheless.  I really hope he beats Christine, someone who I was also starting to like.  It's funny, because Christine would switch to Steve Vai in a heartbeat if she gets back in the game, so she's your extra number right there.  But I'm sorry Christine, you'll have to count me in as a new member of The Church of Ozzy.

Please enjoy (& I really mean it - I'm not Jeff Probst) a clip of Ozzy Christ Superstar's decision making early that morning.  You have to agree that I did not work as hard to make this connection as Probst did re: Jack & Jill.  This one is right there, wanting to be noticed.

I also threw in a Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat reference, as I am in a sold-out (!!!) production of it at the moment & I couldn't resist.  Anyone spot it?

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.6 Shuffleboard & Coconuts

Following the tribal council that saw his tribe take Elyse out without consulting him, Ozzy goes against everything in The Zen Surfer Dude Handbook, & throws a tantrum.  For best results, please read in a "sucky brat" voice: "I am now what's called a free agent, & I'm playing for myself, & you guys can play for yourselves."  Guess he won't be sharing any of his tasty fish & loaves this week.  "If it doesn't work, I've always got Redemption."  Way to be the "new, strategic Ozzy" we were promised in the first episode.  Ozzy goes fishing & he holds up a small, freshly-speared fish.  See this?  I'm going to start my own fire over there.  I'm going to cook this fish, & eat it all by myself.  Later, I'm going to hunt wild boars, paint my face with blood, put the boar's head on a stick, accidentally kill Simon, murder Piggy, & terrorize Ralph. 

In other Steve Vai news, have Keith's eyebrows always been so prominent?  It appears as though he has 3 eyebrows, with his burgeoning moustache - Keith could be the elusive Bonus Jonas. 

Everyone at camp is talking about Ozzy's hissy fit, leading Cochran to suggest he's behaving "like a stupid bitch".  Why you gotta be hard on all the stupid bitches, Cochran?  Also, I believed Jim paid Cochran in coconuts to utter those words, & you can't change my mind about that.

The Oompa Loompa tribe is cooking again.  Remember when Survivor didn't have so much food, & everyone was actually hungry all the time?  Contestants literally stripped naked in the middle of a challenge to get some peanut butter.  Ah, the good old days.  Brandon goes looking for the Immunity Idol, & finds the clue very quickly.  This amuses Coach, who chalks it up to Brandon having Russell's "same bloodhound scent for the idol".  Coach does a fantastic impression of Russell's determined walk.  At this point, Russell gets a flashback shot.  HE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS SEASON AND HE GETS MORE SCREEN TIME THAN WHITNEY.  That's amazing, & you just know Russell is loving every mention he gets.  You know it because he tweets about it all the time.

Coach is unsure whether to tell Brandon he already found the idol.  Um, NO???  Coach seriously needs to stop being concerned with playing the game honourably.  He said he was going to play differently, but it seems he still cannot seperate the game from reality.

Christine & Elyse enter the Redemption Island Duel Arena, & Probst prompts Christine to cry.  "Has Redemption Island become your home?" "Unfortunately."  "Unfortunately?"  He's the new Barbara Walters.  Christine cries, & it seems that RI has broken her.  What is not broken, however, is her eye-rolling ability.  That is still strong.  Now it's time for the Redemption Island Duel, & when I say duel, I actually mean shuffleboard.  I guess the producers thought "Well, if Christine & Papa Bear's bean bag toss duel could be that exciting..."  They were wrong.  It's boring, not dramatic, & Christine wins.  Probst asks Elyse what she'll take away from this, & Elyse gives her exit speech: "I'll take a sense of accomplishment. I gave my all.  I did. I never would have known that I could push myself so far had I not come out here.  I'm stronger than I think I am."  If only she had thrown in "I'm not here to make friends" & "I'm in it to win it", she would have had 90% of reality TV cliches covered.  At least there's no more "calling on her ancestors".

Probst says what I guess is the new leaving-the-game-for-really-realz line: "Your adventure has come to an end."  I don't like it, but then, I am not a fan of the whole Redemption Island deal.  Not at all.  Goodbye, Elyse.  I hope you really, really enjoyed the experience of being voted out.  And leaving Survivor because you lost at shuffleboard.

Back at Steve Vai, Ozzy sees the error of his ways & apologizes & says he wants to be a team player again.  Jim is smart & sees no problem with that, as Ozzy will help them get to the merge, & then be a bigger threat after the merge.  I say you have to get rid of Ozzy before a merge, or at least flush the idol out now, but nobody mentions this. 

This Immunity/Reward Challenge is one of the coolest challenges ever.  Construct a wheelbarrow, pick up coconuts along an obstacle course, then transform the wheelbarrow into a slingshot, & fire coconuts at targets.  I want this set-up in my backyard.  Oompa Loompa gets a huge lead, but not much luck with the targets.  Coach tries to take Mikayla out of the game after she misses a few targets, but the girl is a competitor, so that's not going to happen.  Coach seems really annoyed, but it looks like he doesn't make any targets either, so I'm not sure why he's so frustrated with Mikayla.  Jim turns out to be a rock star at launching coconuts, & wins it for Steve Vai.

The reward is a picnic at a beautiful natural waterslide, & Cochran is hesistant to follow Ozzy's cliff-diving display, as he is "not physically or emotionally capable of that".  Is he not a water person?  "I'm a sparkling water person."  AGAIN, Cochran has the best line of the episode.  Here's a clip of Ozzy having fun on the reward:

Coach is pissed back at Oompa Loompa camp, & wants Mikayla gone because she doesn't follow orders.  "If I'm going to coach this team..."  NOT real life, Coach - you're nobody's coach out here.  JIMMY JOHNSON didn't claim to be coaching his tribe, so maybe Coach should back off a bit.  Albert tells Mikayla that he will go to war for her.  He sees the value in keeping Mikayla over Edna, & also maybe he knows their babies would be perfect physical specimans & they owe it to humanity to procreate.

All of a sudden, there's a shot of a bee hive.  STACEY IS A PROPHET!  SHE ACTUALLY STARTED A BEE'S NEST!  I'm really excited at this, but my husband is looking at me strangely, so I stop rewinding.

Rick & Sophie are on board with voting Edna out, & Brandon wants Edna gone, too (she makes him uneasy on account of the lady parts) but unfortunately, he's crazy, so he's going to vote Mikayla.  All because he once said he wouldn't vote out Edna.  "I want to be a radical for God."  So, a terrorist?  Well on your way, sir!

Coach doesn't respond well to Albert's logical reasoning for keeping Mikayla.  Coach breaks it down "one coach to another...Mikayla hasn't won anything for us."  Except for that one time, a few days ago, when she picked meat off the dirt with her teeth.  Coach makes Edna sound pathetic, which she kind of is, but I would be too, in her position.  I just wouldn't be wearing the ridiculous tree-mail visor.  I'm all about sun-protection, but come on!  Coach appeals to Rick to switch his vote to Mikayla, & Rick is confused, but unfortunately does not start stroking his magnificent moustache as he ponders his decision.  Opportunity missed!

At tribal, Probst asks Edna what it's like to be weak.  "That's just the way it is with me."  If that's your defense, I see why you need Coach to stay in the game.  The tribe talks about going into the merge with loyalty vs numbers. With every episode, Albert seems smarter AND hunkier, & tonight is no exception.  "Loyalty can be faked.  You can't fake strength." 

Then, right on cue, Brandon has a crisis of conscience & being a radical for God when it comes to doing good leads him to call out his alliance on praying-to-false-gods charges, or something.  "We had a pact to take the 6 of us, so Mikayla, I love you (does he ever!), but you're going."  Then Brandon, thinking himself righteous, declares "Vote me out today if we're going to play disloyal".  Probst's eyes almost fly out of his head, but Brandon will not be deterred & continues from his mighty pulpit.  "Nowadays people get the misconception that we can tell a half-lie, or a little bit of a lie.  Oh, it's just a game, oh, it's just one cigarette, oh, it's just a little bit of marijuana..."  First of all, those aren't really lies at all.  Secondly, what was next, "she said she was 18"?  "A smile is consent, right?"  PSYCHO.  Oh & thirdly, isn't Brandon 19? What 19 year old says "nowadays"?  Old Testament Brandon states: "There is no grey.  It's black or white, period."  That's a fun guy to have around you 24-7.  Why Sophie didn't start a "Vote Brandon Out" movement right there at tribal is beyond me.  Rick ends up siding with Coach & Brandon, & Mikayla is voted out.  Ridiculous.  I hope she does well at Redemption Island against the broken Christine.

One thing, though - who can Brandon vote for now?  He's in an alliance with everyone that's left, so voting for any of them would go against his word, so I'll be looking forward to watching that struggle.



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We All Go Back To Where We Belong

R.E.M. has released their final single as a band.  It's gorgeous & moving. 
A lush, horn-heavy arrangement that has Stipe's voice front & centre.  Perfection.
We All Go Back To Where We Belong.

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/exclusive-stream-r-e-m-s-final-single-we-all-go-back-to-where-we-belong-20111018


Yes, it has taken me a month to cohesively put together my thoughts on R.E.M.'s breakup.  When the news broke, I had condolences pouring in from family, friends, & even a few high school acquaintances who remembered something about me. I loved R.E.M., and EVERYONE knew it.

Why this band resonated with me, I don't know.  I'm a good decade younger than the majority of hardcore R.E.M. fans - the ones who have followed them from college radio & van tours to #1 albums & stadiums.  I remember the first time I heard them - I was about 11, & the Chris Eliott sitcom "Get A Life" came on.  Stand was its theme song, & I thought it was a Beatles song for the longest time.

I know.  But you can see the appeal it had for an 11 year old.  After that, I heard Shiny Happy People, & thought R.E.M. was a band that made really, really happy songs that the Mini Pops or Alvin & The Chipmunks could cover really well.  But then I discovered the rest of Out of Time, & I fell in love.  In love with the music, in love with Stipe's voice...in love with Stipe himself.  Absolutely my biggest - & longest lasting - celebrity crush.

I had an R.E.M. scrapbook, filled with newspaper & magazine clippings.  It started as an English Media project, but I still have it in my closet upstairs.  I did one of my required Concert Critiques for Musical Repertoire class on an R.E.M. concert.  I convinced my English teacher (a fellow fan) to give me bonus points every time I could fit an R.E.M. reference into an assignment, as long as it made sense.  It always did. My brother had a portrait assignment in art class, & made this for me:

It hung first in my locker, then my bedroom, then my apartment, & now it's in the scrapbook, because my husband thinks it's creepy.  I have one clipping from a classmate's assessment of an essay:

So, yeah, the news of the break-up made me more than a little sad.  It was broken to me by someone I'd describe as my high school music nemesis (at the risk of sounding like Survivor's Coach!)...he hated R.E.M., & I hated The Tragically Hip (his favourite band), almost to comic exageration.  I admit, at first I thought his post on my facebook wall was a joke.  R.E.M. have been through so much in their 30+ years as a band: constant speculation over Michael Stipe's sexuality, a guitarist's meltdown on a plane, & of course, their drummer's shocking onstage brain aneurysm.  They had just released a wonderful album (Collapse Into Now) reminiscent of their earlier work...and now they decided to "call it a day"?

A quick search told me it was true, & I was immediately saddened that I will never go to another R.E.M. concert. Though their breakup makes the 4 concerts that I did attend in Toronto very special.

June 1995 - Molson Amphitheatre, with Luscious Jackson opening, with my friend Jen.  They were awful lawn seats - this was back in the day when you had to physically line up for wristbands on one day, then go line up on another day, only to have a random wristband number selected to be the start of the line.  That sucked.  My first REAL concert, only a few months after Bill Berry's near-fatal aneurysm & subsequent amazing recovery - the only time I would ever see that original lineup. Those 4 guys together - Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills & Michael Stipe were R.E.M.  Their album Monster had come out earlier that year, showcasing a new gritty, dirty guitar sound, & the video for What's The Frequency, Kenneth? revealed a newly bald Michael Stipe to match his eratic dancing. 

To this day I have a thing for bald guys.  Imagine my disappointment that my husband did not inherit his father's receding hairline.  I snuck my huge walkman recorder into the concert, where I recorded the whole show in a horrible quality I will always cherish.  Yes, it is marred in plenty of places by the guy behind us yelling "Orange Crush!" throughout the show (& no, they didn't play it), but it was a dangerous act of rebellion for 15 year old me. 

My next R.E.M. show was in support of UP, their first album as a trio.   My friends & I had better seats than the lawn seats in 1995, & I swear Michael Stipe made eye contact with me.  Magical.  Earlier that year, R.E.M. had done an interview at MuchMusic, so of course, I dragged my friend Craig & a then boyfriend downtown to be there for it.  I stood right next to Mike Mills, & when we were outside, Michael Stipe walked past me & smiled.  AT ME.  He was small, & in a lime green peacoat, & huge nerd glasses before nerd glasses were cool.  It still makes my heart flutter.  It was an amazing day.  I have a worn-out VHS somewhere of this interview & you can see me.  Right next to them.  Of course, you can also see my then-boyfriend, which explains why the video is still in my Mom's basement.

The next concert was my favourite.  May 2001, a free concert outdoors at Yonge & Dundas. I went with my future husband, who is not an R.E.M. fan.  At all.  We were about 10 rows back, Michael was lovely, funny, sweet, & still crazy sexy to me.  The band sounded great, I loved their new album, Reveal, & my future husband even admitted they were fantastic live.  Or he at least said "good".  The most memorable R.E.M. moment was when it started pouring, & Stipe started singing CCR's "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?"  My husband has noted that my love for Stipe's voice is odd, as I am a vocalist myself.  No, Stipe's voice is not the most technically sound, but truly, it is magical.  Here it is, the clip from that very concert:

Sigh.

The last R.E.M. concert I attended was in 2003, which was not memorable at all, unfortunately.  It was a huge venue, & even with seats considerably close, it couldn't compare to the outdoor show.  I was unable to attend the next few shows R.E.M. played in Toronto, which turned out to be their last shows here.

It's a weird thing when a favourite band breaks up.  Another favourite band, Dream Theater, saw the departure of their drummer last year - a founding member & huge force within the band.  It was shocking, & there's a feeling of nervousness & anticipation to see what the next move will be.  At least, it was like that for me, but I've been said to take my music very seriously.   The R.E.M. break up wasn't quite that unexpected - they have been a band for 31 years, practically an eternity in the music business.  But they have been the soundtrack from my adolescence to adulthood.  Almost every R.E.M. song has a memory attached to it.  And that's why it's sad to say goodbye to R.E.M.

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Survivor South Pacific: 23.5 Gasoline Drawers

Stacey & Christine are reunited on Redemption Island, & I can only hope they will have some sort of "Good Morning Long Island" talk show when this season is over.  Imagine the drinking games you could have: Christine rolled her eyes?  Drink!  Stacey made up a phrase?  Drink!  (Of course I would be DVRing this show & watching in the evenings...)  Stacey foresees her former tribe mates "going to hell with gasoline drawers on".  I googled this, & it's an actual saying, & even a song that I kind of can't stop listening to now.  Skip to 1:08 for the awesomeness, although the whole song has a repeatability you can't deny.

Stacey also wants to expose the OompaLoompas to Steve Vai, which sounds worse than it is.  She wants to "start a bee's nest".  I googled this as well, & turns out this is not an actual saying.  Which makes sense, as you'd probably have to be a bee to start a bee's nest.  I think she meant stir.  But who knows with Stacey?  ZAP!

Surprise! A date has been added to The Brandon Hantz Apology Tour, as Brandon apologizes for waking everyone up with tree mail.  Cut to him crying!  He's upset because Mikayla said the thing she disliked the most about Brandon was that he's a Hantz.  Aw, don't cry Brandon!  I'm sure that "being a Hantz" is way at the bottom of her now very long list of why she dislikes you & you have to stay 500 yards away from her at all times.

Stacey goes off at the duel, refusing to call Coach "Coach", & instead, calling him his actual name: The Name That Must Not Be Named.  How she knew this would piss him off, I don't know, but it worked.  Voldemort will answer to Tom sooner than Coach will answer to The Name That Must Not Be Named.  The one thing that upset me about Stacey's Secret Spillage (possible segment on Good Morning Long Island?) is the revelation that Coach has been telling stories & jokes that haven't aired!  Halloween & ChuckECheese jokes!  STOP HOLDING OUT CBS!  They better be on that never-before-seen-footage episode mid-season.

The ball chute duel is a joke, as Christine has a strategy, while Stacey doesn't even pay attention & drops a ball very early.  Stacey says goodbye & reminds us that she's a Funeral Director.  With every embalming, a free pair of gasoline drawers to go to hell in!  We realize this is a difficult time, so choose your coffin & POW!  We'll make everything hunkadory.

Over at Steve Vai, we see there are a lot of bullies on this show.  Did everyone miss all the anti-bullying PSAs? Was this season of Survivor filming when they went viral?  I just want to write letters to all of their parents, demanding apologies for my beloved Cochran.  Leave gingers alone!  And nerds are cool now - did you guys miss that as well?

The Steve Vai tribe has become a cliquey high school, where there's only one student not failing his classes, & everyone else makes fun of him for it.  "The Little Cochran that could"?  Wow, that's not patronizing at all.  Cochran leaves, & Elyse praises Ozzy for acknowledging the lowly guy who's working hard around the camp, "You're a good guy."  Didn't the Natives have an awesome torture technique, where they would cut open a belly, nail the intestines to a tree, & make their prisoner run around that tree until they just couldn't anymore?  Strange how that tidbit from my Canadian History class just popped into my head.

Ozzy is a total moron, revealing his poker hand to the marijuana selling poker player: "If Coach is smart, he'll get rid of Albert soon."  Dum dum DUMB.  Ozzy is reminding me more & more of the character Max from NBC's Parenthood.  You know, the one with Aspergers?  Ozzy is void of all emotion, & his monotone voice just cements it for me.  Ozzy has dead eyes.

Albert is concerned that Stacey blabbed to Steve Vai.  "It's painful to my cause."  Know what's not painful?  Albert walking around in his underwear.  It's like Probst knew something had to erase the memory of Phillip in his.  Hunky Albert finds the Immunity Idol Clue, but can't find the idol itself, so enlists the help of Coach & Sophie.  Coach finds it, & is so happy he starts speaking about himself in the third person.  It's nice to see a happy Coach.

A fishing expedition for OompaLoompa, where Cochran admits he has "zero experience, zero ability & zero confidence."  But your adorableness is through the roof, Cochran!  Who else would say about Ozzy that he was "superhuman, Mowgli-esque" & now he's "middle-aged Ozzy".  AWESOME.  Ozzy hunts a bunch of fish spectacularly, & his return to camp & subsequent adoration brought to mind one thing:

It was only fish, guys, not fish & loaves.

The Immunity/Reward Challenge is pretty gross, although not as gross as when Probst makes personal sea slug gut/jellyfish smoothies.  They had to tear big hunks of pork off to bring back to their basket, using only their mouths.  Yum.  Disgusting, & the basket-cam was completely unnecessary.  Serves me right for wondering how it would look if Survivors puked on me.  Halfway through the challenge, it started looking like a preview of AMC's The Walking Dead.  Poooorrrrrrrkkkkkkk.  Gross.  Rick drops a huge piece on the ground, & leaves it, even though Probst brings it to his attention.  Rick will make out with Brandon, though, to get a piece of pork that's stuck in his teeth, but dirt is just too gross.  Rick needs to work on his ideas of hygiene.  Mikayla has no pride (that whore!), & gets that dirty meat, maybe adding the extra 2oz her tribe won by, even though Ozzy somehow has the entire pig in his mouth, looking like a guilty labrador (though lacking all the emotion of a labrador).   OompaLoompa wins Immunity, veggies, spices & bread, AND they get to take all the gross meat they just spit out of their collective mouths.  Brandon points to the heavens, because we all know God was watching over Brandon as he tore meat off another of His creatures, for a televised game.  Keep your enemies closer, & all that.

OompaLoompa washes the spit off their meat, & they let Brandon cook dinner.  Brandon has apparently settled on "good" for the day, saying, "We're a team, & we're a family." A family that hopefully doesn't frown upon incest...wait, maybe he settled on "evil"...MIKAYLA, DON'T EAT THAT! HE ROOFIED YOUR PORTION!  Coach is really happy tonight, first with the idol, & now with the food.  "Taste the victory!" "This is freaking unbelievable, man!"

At Steve Vai, Jim & Cochran are rallying their troops to get Elyse out.  Dawn's on board, & Jim has to explain very slowly to Keith why they can't tell Ozzy about their plan.  Keith has trouble understanding this. "But...what happens when Ozzy..."  "We don't tell Ozzy."  "But then....he's not gonna trust us."  Awww, he's trying so hard.  Whitney & Keith both want Elyse gone, but don't want to vote for her & piss Ozzy off.  If only there was a way we could vote for someone else, & she'd still go home.  You can!  Do exactly what you just said!  And seriously, these people did not know that cold sores are herpes?  And that the challenge they just participated in is very likely to have transferred some communicable disease or another?  Cochran, don't tell them that the earth is round!  They'll vote you out on grounds of your insanity!  How awesome would it have been if Cochran had been put on OompaLoompa, with Albert & Sophie?  Super awesome.

Tribal Council infuriated me.  Hey, let's all pick on Cochran.  That adorable guy, who when asked about injuries from the pork, says, "I haven't been wearing my retainer as much as I should be".  He's concerned about the alignment of his teeth.  How can you not like that guy?  More importantly, can you not tell that this guy is going to be a fan favourite when you're out there playing?  I wouldn't want to be on TV, picking on the ones that audiences are going to fall in love with.  People rallied around Mikayla, & I bet a nerd army will be even stronger.  In brain power.  Probst asks "how often is Cochran charming, & how often is he just annoying?"  WTF Jeff?  You are a horrible wingman.  You cannot make up for that by getting Cochran dates on twitter.  You sucked tonight.  Dawn is even worse, saying "he's a real character", & "I'm learning to be more tolerant".  Tolerant?  Cochran has a condition called being-way-more-awesome-a-human-being-than-the-rest-of-you-combined.  Dawn needs a talking-to from Stacey. 

Elyse is even worse than that, saying "we've all been picked last".  Like that time that she wanted some of her ancestors spiritual guidance, & they pretended not to know her.  Then she says something so ridiculous that the only thing that made me not slap my TV was knowing she would be voted out in 5 minutes:  "One thing to appreciate is that he's such a big fan that whether he stays or goes to Redemption Island, he's going to appreciate the experience." 

Time to vote, & Keith & Whitney somehow figure out what to do, & Elyse goes home without them voting for her.  Guess what - Ozzy's still going to be pissed.  Or can he show that emotion?  We'll see.  Elyse is gone to Redemption Island, & I just really, really hope she enjoys the experience.

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